And She Says...

taps mic

2011-02-22T01:10:00.000-05:00

Hello to the few people who are left in the deserted bloggerland. I guess tumblr is "the thing" now? I don't know anything about the shit myself. Don't care to take the time to figure it out either.

I don't really have shit to talk about, I'm just bored and twitter is "blah" to me. It's gone from fun and random to dry and predictable, for me anyway. Seems like the same topics get recycled, the same lingo gets passed around, the words "slander" and "thirst" get overused, abused, and misused. And apparently people would like you to consider what THEY think before you post any tweet, lest they label you "lonely" or state that #NobodyCares even though they took the time to acknowledge it. Everyone is trying so hard to be an asshole or comedian like it's "trendy." And I've never seen so many "straight men" take on the role of being Homo Referees in my life. Hey fellas, throw a flag at your damn self for being that concerned about what you THINK another man might be doing with his booty hole just because he said something "suspect" that wasn't even suspect until you twisted it that way in YOUR mind. Hmmm... but anyway...

I have quite a bit of "Nobody Cares" info to proudly share. :)

I recently quit my job to work from home. *throws confetti & twirls in it* Every week night since the day after Christmas, I have been getting up at 7am, taking the kids to school, working from 9am-6pm, then taking my online training class for my new job from 8pm-12am. Then doing some studying and training on the weekends. But I made it through! With the help of my love, gotta give him some credit. No way I could have survived this without his help and cooking and cleaning and making sure my kids were straight while I locked myself away in the room, stuck at my computer for hours every night. It is such a relief to be done, working from home, making my own schedule, and having more time to spend with my lil ones. I can even see the difference when I look in the mirror, like I have some more life in my eyes. I'm feeling most excellent.

In other news, my kids' father moved two blocks away from me about 2 weeks ago... BUT this is actually working out quite well. At first I was like o_O THE FUCK?? Because I never told him where I lived. Whenever he took them for a weekend or a day, I just met him somewhere or dropped them off at his place. Then I found out from the kids that when he picked them up from daycare one day, he drove past our street and they pointed and said "That's where our house is Daddy!" so that explains that. He said he wanted to be closer to them and see them more often, and he requested that I permanently change their after-school address to his house. So now the bus drops them off to him every day after school. He helps them with their homework and feeds them dinner before I pick them up. Last week, they weren't even home. Just stayed at his house every night. I don't know how sense got knocked into that man and I don't care. I am just happy that my kids don't have to deal with the bullshit and disappointment anymore. If they like it, I love it. It has been over a year since he's acted a fool so hopefully *crosses fingers* he is through with his "cause drama and havoc" phase. It only took more than 5 years -_- It's an awkward feeling when they're not here sometimes, but I get some much needed "me" time, so I ain't even mad. ;)

Speaking of "me" time, I decided to start drawing again. Drawing is some relaxing shit. I'm mad it took me damn near 15 years to re-discover my love for it. I haven't made any real effort to draw or do anything artistic since I was maybe 14 years old. This is my most recent work in progress...

I definitely wasn't drawing anything like this in 8th grade though. Anywaaay... I think I'm done typing for the night.

*yawn*

Be good, people. All two of you. :)

Satisfaction Guaranteed

2010-12-10T11:56:00.002-05:00

There was a discussion on twitter yesterday about women "faking it" and I don't know how the topic got brought up but it got me to thinking...

WHY?

Why would a woman feel the need to fake an orgasm? I wish I would. No ma'am. If you are not being satisfied, do NOT pretend you are. I've never (knock on good wood) been in the position to call for faking so MAYBE I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe women fake it for the sake of preserving the man's ego, I don't know... but fuck that. I would think that giving a man the impression that he is putting it on you, when in fact he is not, is only going to make it worse for the both of you. You get neglected while he gets his but he thinks he's "the man" because you faked it, so he's just going to keep doing what he does (poorly) while your vagina goes to sleep with an attitude :( And then when you stop dealing with him, he will do this to the next chick as well because he felt like it worked on you, look out for your fellow womankind and don't allow this to happen.

I know everyone has a different stance when it comes to sex. Some people don't mind casual sex, others do. Some people feel like a mutual attraction is enough of a reason to have sex. I personally can't get down like that because I'm not gambling with my sex. I just refuse. I like it too much and take it too serious to risk wasting it on wack penis. I will be PISSED off if I get all hype and aroused and then be stuck looking like "that's it?" Like, I will seriously have an attitude so it's just best if I make sure it will be an enjoyable experience in order to prevent shit from getting ugly. That is why I have a process...

I know this is 2010 and times have changed but, for me, there are certain things that need to be in alignment before I allow a man access to my love below. First of all, we need to establish a mutual respect, love, and friendship for one another. Because when it's all said and done, I want your penis and my vagina to love and respect each other and be like best friends as well. But there are a few more things that need to be evaluated before I determine if a man is...

Okay, we're cool. We respect each other. We love each other (not saying IN love, but there needs to be some type of love). But if that's all it takes in order to justify me giving up the drawls, I would have fucked every single one of my friends by now. So um, yeah. I need more to go on than that.

So the next thing I look at is the way he "threatens me" to build up my anticipation of having sex with him. I know "talk is cheap" but I like to talk shit and I need to know how a man talks his shit. There are certain things a man says that will TELL you (for the most part) if he knows what he's doing or not. For example, if you are having a conversation with someone about... oh let's say politics... and the depth of their convo consists of the same shit you hear on the news, they haven't done any research of their own. Same goes for sex. A man who lacks knowledge on the skills of eating pussy probably wouldn't think to say, "I'll lick you slow until you shake and your pussy throbs on my tongue while you cum." (more than likely, he has caused a woman to experience this before) A man who is just "talking shit" will say something like, "Yeah I'll eat that pussy for hours until you can't take it anymore." (more than likely, he HAS to lick at a pussy for forever because nothing has happened yet, and then she just tells him to stop... or fakes it, I guess) A man with ACTUAL skills won't need "hours" to have you backing up across the bed leaking. Okay, onto the next phase...

By this time, I want to fuck (yeah I'm vulgar, oh well), BUT I need to know what you're working with. So I give the yellow light. I want to feel how you touch me, how you kiss me, etc. before I let you handle my vagina. And I'm going to touch you back because I want to know what you're packing. What I'm going to say next may sound awful but I really don't care. If it doesn't feel like it's capable of damage, I don't want it and I won't accept it. I won't be rude about it but I'm just saying... it's not happening. Not that day or any other day. This is why I prefer we be friends first, so I can say, "I don't know what we're doing, we can't do this. We would be better keeping the friendship we have." Yeah, I already said I know that's awful but oh the hell well. If you don't want to be my friend because I won't fuck you, then fuck you :)

Okay, now if I like what I felt and saw... you can get the green light. But not right that moment. We'll have to call it a day (or night) and part ways, but I will arrange to see you the next day. I may be a tease but I have good intentions. Because I guarantee you that next day, all we can think about is the night before and how we are going to ravish each other, so when it finally goes down- it goes DOWN. And will continue to do so because: 1) the love, respect, and friendship was already established, and 2) the sex is great.

I like sex too much to get it sporadically. I'm fully capable of busting nuts all by my lonesome if need be. I'd rather go without a man in the equation altogether until I find the right person to enjoy it with. For some people, that may sound like I'm depriving myself but I feel like there are certain things that are worth my patience. And my vagina's well-being and happiness is one of them. After being with my kids' father for 6 years, when I left him, I went 7 consecutive months (damn that sounds like a jail sentence) without sex, until I met someone who captured my interest, and I applied the above "process." He satisfied all requirements, and we have been together ever since. So, going over half a year without penis in my life resulted in having frequent (and fabulous) sex with a man who loves and respects me, and is like my best friend, for over 4 years and counting... sounds like a win in my book.

If that's not what you're looking for at this time, cool. Everyone is different and I know that. This is just the best way I know of to reduce the risk of experiencing disappointing sex (or disappointing relationships). I have more to say but this is already longer than I intended so I'll just end it on that note.

Reality... Check Please!

2010-08-11T11:50:00.000-04:00

Today I'd like to discuss separating emotion from logic. Some people are walking through life confused. Some people seem to think that "just fucking" someone is the equivalent to being in a relationship. And there are some people who confuse being in a relationship with being married.

MOST of these confused people are females. Not saying that men don't do it, but women are definitely more guilty of it due to our emotional nature, I believe. But let me break a few things down that I've seen/ learned over the years.

I would like to address the "fuck buddy" issue first. Okay... having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding that is indeed what they have. If you are allowing a man access to your lady parts, it is your responsibility to know what type of man you're dealing with and what you are willing to accept from him. If you are perfectly fine with it just being a sex thing, that's on you- just use protection please. But if you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might (definitely) want to make sure he's on the same page.

If there is never an agreement reached that two people are in a relationship, it isn't a relationship- no matter how long it's been going on. So ladies, you don't have the right to:

1. question him regarding his whereabouts.
2. get mad at him for not answering his phone/ returning your calls in a timely manner.
3. accuse him of "cheating" on you.
4. be upset if he flirts (or even has sex) with someone else.
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it.

These are just a few but you get my point. Don't just assume a role in a man's life, step away from your emotions and analyze the situation- know where you stand. Once you know that, it is up to you to sit down and be comfortable in that role, or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings. If you feel like a man is "playing you" and want to call him an asshole or whatever, ask yourself if you allowed it by continuing to deal with him disappointment after disappointment. If you did, then you need to point the finger at yourself- you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better. Just because a man isn't ready to settle down, doesn't make him an asshole. Now if he lied to you or mislead you, then yes he's an asshole (unless he's done it more than once already- you should be on your toes at this point). But if you saw red flags and ignored them anyway, you are the one to blame. Most of the time, a female will get mad at a man for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt, so instinctively, they just get upset. But perhaps she should pump her brakes and realize that the person she needs to be upset with, is herself.

If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things, that's her fault. You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool, but which one makes more sense? Okay then. The bottom line is if you're not his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect and common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is being a cozy place for him to put his dick from time to time.

I was going to address how some people in relationships tend to confuse it with the equivalent to a marriage, but seeing how long this post already is, I will just write a Part 2 next week (hopefully).

Welp...

2010-07-29T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'm gonna come back to blogging from here until further notice.

At my other site, I was using a company to edit/design my blog and paying them $4.99/month for that "privilege" and when they went to automatically deduct the payment from my card in June, I forgot to put money on it so they just pretty much gave me the finger and reverted my page to blankness over the price of a five dollar footlong.

And then said that even if I start it back up again, I would be starting from scratch, so I lost my layout and my posts... ugh. And I seriously don't have the time nor patience to do all that shit over again right now. I still own my domain name and all that but I can only use their default templates which look like garbage to me, so no thanks, I can just do that from here so what's the point?

I hadn't even blogged since April anyway, haven't really been in a writing mood. Can't even say when I'll post from here again honestly but a few people asked me "what happened to your blog?" so I figured I'd post this in case anyone else was wondering.

Anyway... all is well and I'll try to post again soon :)

Moving Right Along

2010-04-14T21:38:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I know yesterday I said "fuck everything that's gonna distract me." But this blog isn't a distraction, it's my happy place sometimes. It's like my e-baby, I can't neglect it lol. Plus I have about 20 minutes before I start my exercise :)

Sooo.... I have been blogging for over a year now, and even though I don't post nearly as often as I'd like to, I enjoy writing SO much. I've been writing since I was 12 years old. Little stories, poems, random things that come to mind. Well last year I finally started working on a book. I don't even have a chapter complete yet but I have been doing ALOT of thinking in the past 24 hours and have decided that even though my free time is limited, I am going to make more of a commitment to my book and my writing in general. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to become published and be an actual writer some day. Whether I sell 5 copies or 50,000 copies, I don't care. (That's a lie, who wouldn't like to sell MORE of anything with their name on it? lol) But just the accomplishment would feel like success to me. Of course if a profit were to ever come into the equation, you won't hear me complain.

Well my hunny has been working on his website all week and it looks pretty damn nice I must say. He suggested that I get one and I was thinking "eh, for what? i already have a blog up and running." BUT... this is really blogger's blog. I'm just using it. Considering that and seeing how his site is coming together, I decided to buy a domain name tonight and will be moving my blog to my own site :) Now I feel a bit more "established" and motivated to crank this book out. Ahhh it will be most exhilerating! *prince akeem voice*

And since he has a degree in graphic design, he's gonna help me make it all fly and stuff. But I'm not going to post the URL until it looks like I didn't just move in that bitch. So stay tuned!!!

First Things First

2010-04-13T23:24:00.002-04:00

1st: Please follow my sister from another mister's blog "Her Name is Fiyah" I promise you won't regret it. She has recently committed to updating it regularly, and she is made of the truth and sheer awesomeness, so skip on over there and show her some love! (or I'll be forced to thrash you.)

2nd: "30 Days ON" <------------ my new "program." I made the shit up like, 10 minutes ago. If you are currently frustrated about a situation: tackle that muthafucka, push its face in the dirt, run an interception, spike a touchdown and do yo dance on hoes. Because um... that's what I'm about to do. For the next 30 days... I will be minimizing all distractions, I'm only making time for success-oriented activities. I don't give a fuck if a Law & Order SVU Marathon is on, I will walk away and search jobs online instead. Fuck twitter. Fuck facebook. Fuck people wasting my time. Just fuck anything that isn't necessary.

3rd: That's about it. Feel free to join me in my "fuck everything for 30 days" plan.

(I also plan to clean up my potty mouth during this time.)

Tis all, love yall :)

Gone But Never Forgotten

2010-04-09T11:41:00.003-04:00

April 9, 1998

I came home from school, sat on the couch and played some Tekken 3 with my sister. About an hour later my father walked in the door.........

His eyes were bloodshot and puffy and his face was red, he had the most defeated look on his face and I knew something was wrong.

"Sandy.... is gone." he said.

We stood up and asked him, "Gone? What do you mean gone?"

He burst into tears and said, "She's dead, she's dead."

My sister and I cried in a panic, "No! What do you mean? How? What?!"

Then my stepbrother, her son, came out of his room in a daze. "What did you just say?"

My father turned to him, "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't know you were home already. She..... she killed herself."

It seemed like we all crumbled to the floor at the same time. My father, staring into space. My sister crying. I grabbed the closest thing to me (a bandana) and ripped it in half screaming "Why! Why did she do that?! No, no, no... she didn't do that!" My stepbrother punched the wall, then slid down it, shaking his back and forth over and over. Everyone in disbelief.

I can't imagine how hard it was for my father to tell us that his wife just committed suicide... at the mall. She landed 60 feet below the movie theaters.... 20 feet away from children waiting in line to see the Easter Bunny. The same mall my brother was at buying sneakers with his girlfriend when it happened, but he didn't know it was her.

My father paged him, he called back from a payphone inside the mall. My Dad asked him where he was.

"Carousel Mall with Tanya, I was in Foot Locker and they said some lady just killed herself here a little while ago, isn't that crazy?"

My father (not wanting to tell him over the phone, especially where he was): "Yes, can you guys come home? I have to tell you something important but I need to tell you in person."

The phone rings again and I answered it.

"Sandy?"

It was one of her best friends, I guess we sounded alike on the phone. I said "No.... this isn't..." and just started sobbing as I told her what happened. I think she dropped the phone. I could hear her screaming, "NO! NO! It's not true! NO! NO! NO!" and her husband yelling "What's wrong? What happened!" Then he picked up the phone and said "Who is this?!" And I had to explain to HIM too. She wasn't able to get back on the phone after that.

That was the hardest day of my life. Before then, I had no experience in dealing with death or losing a loved one. It was on the local news and even mentioned in national news briefly. My father dropped her off at work that day, but she never went inside the building- just walked towards it so he would think she did. Apparently she then got on a bus, went to the mall, took some money out of the ATM, watched Titanic... then climbed over the rail on the movie level and ended her life. The police report was so eerie because the security guard said that he saw her as he was coming up the escalator and he yelled for her to stay where she was. She turned around, looked him in the face, then turned her back and spread her arms open as she calmly fell forward. I remember the first time she saw Titanic, she told my father, "I love that movie so much, I have to see it atleast 5 times before I die." This was months earlier, and prior to the day of her suicide, she had seen it 4 times already. It makes me wonder.... and it creeps me out because she held her arms open just like Kate Winslet when she was standing on the rail of the ship. I will never look at that movie the same again, and til this day refuse to walk through that courtyard at the mall.

Three weeks after her suicide, a young teenage boy copied her and did the same thing. The mall had to increase security guards around the center rails, it was just crazy.

My stepmother never left a note, we still don't know why she took herself from us and everyone who loved her. She was a manic-depressant and some days she would hide in bed with the lights off and call out of work. She hated her boss, he was so condescending and rude to her. She would tell him good morning and he'd walk past like he didn't even hear her. My father called him to let him know what happened and added, "If you step foot near her funeral I will fucking kill you." and the asshole had the nerve to call the cops on my Dad, the day after his wife kills herself, and say he wants to charge him with harrassment. SMH.... The police disagreed though, but the audacity of that man, ugh. It sucks that conditions at work caused her to spiral downwards like that, when she had so many people outside of her job who loved her. I know she was taking medication for a chemical imbalance, but we had no idea she felt THAT lost inside.

She was so sweet, she would spark a friendly conversation with anyone. She was even friends with my mother, I have never known an ex-wife and the new wife to actually bond and do brunch. Even celebrate Mother's Day together. I guess that makes them both remarkable women. My mother even wrote her a poem and recited it at her funeral. I am fortunate to have been influenced by two amazing women growing up. She was married to my father for 10 years, and I was 17 when she died, so she was family to me. I remember once a few months before she died, she took me to a rose garden and asked me, "Aren't the flowers pretty?" I said, "I don't know, I don't care about flowers." and she said, "What? Every woman should love flowers." So for her funeral I wore a dress with flowers on it for the first time since I was a little girl. And now I always make sure to admire them, and think of her when I do.

My father flew out to California and scattered her ashes into the ocean from her favorite place to watch the sunset, he wanted her to be remembered as a free spirit, resting where she loved to be, not below the ground marked by a stone. Hopefully some day I can go out there and throw some flowers into the wind.

Rest in Peace Sandy ♥

ugh.

2010-04-05T19:34:00.001-04:00

disclaimer: i'm just writing this because i need to vent. so if you don't care to hear me rant about my BD, feel free to click the "back" button on your browser.

the last i heard from this mf was back in october. when he told me "fuck you" for asking him to help me pay HIS outstanding daycare balance. then apparently he got locked up, still don't know exactly when or what for. he never had his family contact me to tell me that, except after he'd been locked up for a couple months already and only because he expected me to do him the "favor" of signing a release for his property and using his $1280 to co-sign his bond. but he couldn't pay daycare AND said fuck me? nah, fuck YOU bitch.

so today daycare called me and said " i just wanted to let you know their father was just up here."

*record skips*

OH? so you just gonna pop up outta nowhere huh? no phone call apologizing or even to simply say "hey, i'm out now and i'd like to see the kids." just pop up right? smh... according to my kids, he said he was going to pick them up this saturday and take them shopping and to a carnival, and wrote his phone number down and gave it to my daughter, trying to act like he didn't know my number. word? so you can give your brother-in-law my phone number and have some dude i don't even know email me asking a favor on your behalf and you want ME to call YOU? muthafucka what?

i refuse.

IF this bitch really intends to do this "carnival and shopping" excursion with them, after the way he left shit, it is HIS job to contact ME and arrange that shit. i am SO gotdamn sick of him thinking that being a parent is optional and he can just come and go in and out of their life as he pleases. i am a parent EVERY SINGLE DAY. and because i am, i know that it's important for my children to have their father in their life. but not the way he goes about it. no sir. not gonna work. i have given him too many chances to be an ACTUAL father to them and he fucks it up every time. before i let him take them ANYWHERE, he will have to do the following:

- get his name on their birth certificates.
- agree to scheduled visits (they have NEVER spent a whole weekend with him since i left him 4 years ago)
- contribute atleast half towards daycare, school supplies, and clothing.
- agree to keep all conversations strictly related to the children.
- focus more on spending time with THEM and not whatever his hustle of the moment is.

if he can't comply with any of that, then FUCK HIM. my kids deserve to feel like their father gives a damn, not to be treated like they are optional in the life of someone they love. i'm tired of the drama and i'm tired of seeing them disappointed. i know i can't MAKE him do any of those things, but i can let him know i am NOT playing with his ass, at all.

he knows i pick them up around 6:30pm so i'm sure by now, he's aware that i have his phone number. but my number hasn't changed in years so let's see if Saturday comes and they hear from him or not. i doubt it. but what sucks is, my kids don't. and for their sake, i'd like him to prove me wrong this once. but i just don't see it happening.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time and not have procreated with HIM. but then my kids wouldn't be the ones i have now and i can't imagine that. i absolutely LOVE being THEIR mommy. i guess in being young and making decisions when blinded by "love" (realized too late that was SO not what love is) there's no way to see these things coming. but regardless, this is the hand i've dealt myself, good thing i can fold at any time AND walk away with all the chips... sucks to be him.

Happy Easter.....?

2010-04-04T14:34:00.005-04:00

This may be the wrong day, or the perfect day, to say this but... Easter confuses me, well religion in general really. My father is an atheist and my mother only made an attempt to bring us to church steady for like a month and we never went back.

When it came to religion, there really was none in our house. No saying grace at dinner, even on holidays. No praying at night. Nobody telling me to believe in God or that God will make everything alright. None of that. All I knew was there were churches and people went to them to praise God, whom nobody has ever seen. But does that mean he doesn't exist? I couldn't tell you. For a long time it was more my father occasionally convincing me he doesn't exist than it was anyone trying to convince me he does. And it wasn't like my father said "God doesn't exist and neither does the devil so don't you ever believe they do." It was just things he would say when people mentioned God on t.v. or on the news thanking God nobody was hurt during a bank robbery- stuff like that. He'd sarcastically say "Oh right, that was ALL God. It had nothing to do with maybe the robber just wanted money and didn't want to shoot anyone." And to me, that felt like an accurate assessment of the situation. Like I couldn't picture a criminal standing there with a gun, hand on the trigger and God came down and interfered in some way. It seemed more likely to me that the man was just greedy, not violent. It wasn't until I got older that I even knew what an atheist was.

So all the while I have my father making points as to how God doesn't exist, I had nobody compelling me to believe he did. And since we are all products of our environment, I grew up leaning more towards the belief that there is no God. I had too many unanswered questions.

"Could he have existed at some point?" Sure.

"But is a spirit living in the sky pulling puppet strings on lives down here NOW, and has been for thousands of years?" In order to believe that, I'd have to believe in ghosts and that magic is real.

"If God made everything, then who made him? Where did HE come from?" More magic?

"If he only created earth, then "who" created the other planets? And stars in the sky? Am I supposed to believe God existed before the sun and the moon did?" How?

"Jesus died for ME?" I never even met him, I wasn't there, and I didn't ask him to so.... o_O

"If Jesus didn't give his life then..." (complete this sentence for me because I don't know)

"HOW do you resurrect ANYONE from the dead?" I need answers. Let me know, I have a few deceased loved ones I'd like to kick it with today. Must be nice, Jesus.

I'm supposed to believe all of these things because there is a book written stating it to be so.... why? Anybody can write a book, anyone can tell a story. How do we know what is fact or fiction without asking the author? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here making a mockery of it. I genuinely would appreciate an explanation. Like I seriously want someone to answer these questions for me, because so far in my 28 years of living, nobody has. Everyone's answer was always "just because... that's the way it is.... it's in the Bible... girl I don't know... etc..." Well sorry but that's not good enough. I just don't understand how people can be so gung-ho fanatic for something they can't even explain to me. Do I pray? Yes. Am I doing it because I really expect God to hear me and carry out my wishes? Not exactly.

I believe there is an energy, a force, a fate and a spirit that lives IN US. I can FEEL it but I think it mostly comes from within. My positive attitude has everything to do with me and the way I choose to see life. I don't feel like a divine spirit lays hands on me and calms my soul when times are hard. I use my mind to reason with myself and say "This is life. Things happen. But it will get better." Because that is the outlook I choose to have. Now there are some twists of fate and incidents that set your life on a different course that you have no control over. And that I can't explain, but who can? Is it just convenient to say "That ain't nothin but God (or the devil) girl." and call it day? I do believe there is SOMETHING but do I have to say it's God simply because just about everybody else does? I don't believe in ghosts so I can't justify it to myself.

I had a friend who asked me to come to church with her when I was 17 and I said "Girl I don't believe in God." You woulda thought I said "I just fucked 5 dudes last night." the way her face looked. "What?! Girl... why?" Then I asked her the questions I posed earlier in this post and she didn't have much to say. What I wanted to ask her was "How would your God feel knowing you fuck a married man while shouting "Oh God!" and then go sit up in church shouting praise to him? Hmm?" And she was 25 or 26 years old at the time, plenty old enough to know better. I've see too much hypocrisy and contradictory shit from so-called "saved" people. Religion itself seems contradictory, there are all these things you are not "supposed" to do, or you are considered a sinner. BUT if you happen to do it, and confess/ask for forgiveness- it's all good. And then when you die, your soul is judged again? Then your spirit goes to heaven or hell? And then what? NOBODY KNOWS.

NOBODY.

If you can find me someone who has been to heaven or hell, I'd like to meet them.

There is a saying: "It is better to live life like God does exist and find out he doesn't, than to live like he doesn't exist and find out he does."

Well, if that's the case... then I'm good. I conduct myself morally better than some "devoted Christians" I know my damn self. I have never betrayed anyone, I treat people how they treat me, I don't judge anyone, I'm not a thief or murderer, I'm honest, I am a great mother, I have a positive attitude and I don't take a second of life for granted. Just because I don't know who/what hears me when I pray/send my energy out, doesn't make me less worthy of any blessings or good fortune I may receive. I devote my life to LIVING IT THE BEST I CAN, not to please God or Christ or Peter or whoever. And if there are pearly gates, and they want to hold that against me when my day comes- but forgive a murderer or child molester and let them in just because they said "I'm sorry, please forgive me."- then I didn't want to roam eternally amongst hypocrits anyway.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged". Matt. 7:1

Hmmm.... So, Jesus can't get mad at ME because nobody has facts and examples, right? Not my fault. All I know is when I went to google images and typed in "easter" to pull a pic for this post, out of the first 20 pics, only 2 were of the cross where Jesus "gave his life for us"..... and the rest were colored eggs and bunnies.

I'm about to go eat some jelly beans.

Ayyyeee!!

2010-04-03T00:20:00.003-04:00

currently on repeat...

LOVE it.

"i tip on alligators, and little rattlesnakers, but i'm another flavor, somethin like a terminator..."

*dances on the table*

the man and i play this shit TO DEATH. daily.

"no matter how hard the times may seem. don't give up our plans, don't give up our dreams, no broken bridges can turn us around, cuz what we're searchin for will soon be found."

yesssirrr.

I Smile Because...

2010-03-31T10:50:00.004-04:00

- i woke up.

- my kids tell me i'm their best friend, and they are mine.

- i'm able to pay rent, on time.

- i have food, hot water, electricity, cable, and internet.

- i go to sleep and wake up next to a man who makes my heart happy.

- my children make Honor Roll and Perfect Attendance every quarter.

- i am currently a straight A student.

- all of my loved ones are healthy.

- i have transportation.

- i am employed.

- i keep my energy centered around positivity, strength, and growth.

- i know how far i've come.

- i know where i'm going.

- there are people who doubt me.

- at the end of the day, why wouldn't i?

:)

I Need a Hero

2010-03-27T19:05:00.001-04:00

"Captain Camel Toe Joe is here to Save a Hoe!"

(pic courtesy of @FLACO_757 on twitter, he stays with a wild default and makes me want to give him a whoopin on a daily basis)

Layin Low

2010-03-21T18:46:00.003-04:00

there is too much fuckery afoot on these internets for me lately.

gonna leave twitter, facebook, and my blog alone for a while.

enjoy.

BAM!

2010-03-13T01:22:00.004-05:00

grades for 2nd quarter have been finalized and i got straight A's! :)

not gonna lie, the first quarter i didn't do so great. started off good but then fumbled a bit. i was going back to school for the first time in 10 years, under a lot of stress, not getting enough sleep, and really just needed to get my time management skills in order. so i made sure for the 2nd quarter (and going forward) to organize my time better. i knew this wasn't going to be easy but anything worth having, is worth the struggle to get it. and i am so thankful to have a man in my life who supports me and cares for my kids so i can go to school. without him, i wouldn't be able to go. it means so much to me that sometimes i feel like i don't know how to thank him enough, that's a big thing to take on responsibility for kids that aren't even yours, atleast to me it is.

thank goodness no class last week, i finally had a significant amount of relaxation time. i started that insanity workout program almost two weeks ago.... omg the shit is NO joke! but if anyone is thinking of doing it, i say DO IT. i have a feeling it will turn out to be some of the best money i've ever spent. my jeans are already getting loose after just 10 days. only thing is you have to really be serious about it and stick with and eat right. all of which were hard for me before. i have tried and failed many times in the past to eat healthier and be active so i can stay in shape... but the brownies and cookie dough won every time. this time i figured "if i order this, i will HAVE to do it because i'll be damned if i waste that much money." i was sitting there lookin hesitant as hell before i clicked that "checkout" button too, like "man... i'm kinda scared of this shit." :-/ i was worried i wouldn't be able to stick to a diet but i learned something when i took the fitness test the first night... i have GOT to eat better. all that test did was let me know how OUT of shape i am! i finished that shit and was like "okay. fuck a brownie. fuck donuts. fuck frappuccinos. fuck cookies and fuck cakes. just fuck all that shit." and so far i've actually stuck to it. i breeze my happy ass right on through the bakery section at the grocery and walk back to the fruit section (by the way i think it's fucked up how they make you walk past cakes and cookies and pastries to get to the fruits and vegetables, it's like a temptation gauntlet lol).

but so far, i FEEL better. i make an effort to get atleast 7 hours of sleep now. lately i've been waking up even before my alarm goes off, which is like unheard of. i really wish i would have had the good sense to be this disciplined a long time ago. it's really not about looking better (well not completely anyway hehe), eating right and exercising seems to put more life in you too. it's hard to explain, it's a good feeling tho. so like i said, anyone thinking about getting the insanity dvd's and whatnot, go for it. it's an investment on your health and body. but i repeat, you must stick with it and stay committed. this mf makes you workout (hard) 6 days a week for 60 days and you have to eat breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner & keep track of your calories o_O they do include a meal plan with recipes and calorie calculator to help you out tho.

i miss...

2010-03-12T15:41:00.005-05:00

writing poetry. on paper.

i used to write ALL the time. i have notebooks upon notebooks upon notebooks upon loose leaf papers upon random scribbled down thoughts.... just tucked away in my closet. i remember back when it was just me and my kids in my old apartment, after i tucked them in at night i'd go sit in the living room, listen to music, light some candles, zone out... then just write for hours.

i decided to read some of my old stuff... it's funny some of the things i wrote that i forgot about. interesting to see how i've grown...

"thanks"

your attempts to bring me down
only made me stronger
thank you for being a fraud
so i could recognize the real
thank you for making me numb
so i could learn how to feel
thank you for bringing me down
so i could pull myself together
thank you for raining on my picnic
so i could brave the weather
thank you for the manipulation
so i could learn to think for myself
thank you for crushing my soul
so i could nurse it back to health
thank you for the drama
so i could appreciate the silence
thank you for making me a momma
and goodbye violence.

or how i've remained the same...

"love of my life"

the moment we met
i felt it in my heart
we're in this til the end
nothing can keep us apart
and i know that's true
because i love you so much
i almost cry holding you
at the thought of losing your touch
you mean the world to me
your smile and your eyes...
when you look at me
and put your hand in mine
you make me forget my problems
and bring me to a happy place
even when we struggle
you put a smile on my face
anything you need
i won't rest until it's yours
i'll drop to my knees
and pray until they're sore
your happiness means more than my own
because you are my children
my flesh, my blood, my home.
my life.
i solemnly swear
to never neglect you
i'll always be here
to love and protect you.

amen.

every day.

Are We Raising Men or Mice?

2010-03-05T10:40:00.016-05:00

(shame on me for having this saved in my drafts for like a week even though it's already been posted on O Hell Nawl .... yeah i plugged myself a lil bit. sue me :) but also please check em out if you haven't already. i love that site, it's one of my faves and i appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts there. anyways.... enjoy.)

"The way for a young man to rise is to improve himself in every way he can, never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him." - Abraham Lincoln

Hello good people. I'd like to speak on single mothers raising their sons in today's society. First let me make it clear that a woman cannot teach a boy how to be a man. We don't have a penis, we're not qualified. Point blank, period. The best we can do is teach our sons how to be good PEOPLE and hope that we have instilled enough respect and responsibility in them to produce a good man.

I often hear a lot of "My son will never act like this or my son will never do that." Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong, nobody wants to raise a disrespectful son who ain't about shit. But... my fellow Moms, please keep in mind it's not our job to turn our sons into the opposite of a man who has betrayed or failed us in life. It is a mother's job to teach, protect, and be a source of strength. Don't be so preoccupied in your mind about NOT raising an "ain't shit" man that you misguide your son into worshipping everything with a vagina. If you have a daughter, would you not tell her to be cautious in dealing with men? Of course you would, and probably fairly early. So let's not forget to protect our sons too. I always say: every man with a penis is not a dog, and every female with a vagina is not a lady (hence, bitches).

How can you feel like this?:

and hope to raise a son properly?

You can't. My sons are young (5 and 6) but once they become of age, you better believe I will equip them with the knowledge on how to recognize a scalywag. I'm not gonna have my sons being some sucka for love ass chumps giving their heart and undivided attention to just anything with a fat ass and pretty smile. Yes, teach your sons how to be respectful, courteous, have manners and be gentlemen, etc. Just know that like every man isn't worthy of your all, nor is every female worthy of a man's all (and ironically, these were probably the little girls whose mothers "best advice" once upon a time was telling them that men ain't shit. smh). When boys start to like girls, it's exciting but intimidating for them, fear of rejection can be a muthafucka. Keep that in mind, teach confidence as well as respectfulness. A man needs to know his worth too.

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart." - Nelson Mandela

Some women push their experiences off onto their sons and give them the burden of proving themselves to females without even realizing it, although their intentions may feel good- they are misguided. Teach him for his sake, not for the sake of womankind. As long as there are Nicki Minaj's and "barbies" out here, some women will do a fine job setting themselves back on their own, without a man's help. If ALL a little boy is ever told is that girls are precious and special and should be treated with care and tenderness, he's gonna get played for a fool some day, guaranteed. Hell he may get played anyway, but atleast let him know that's a possibility so he's better prepared to deal with it. Not have him out here blindsided like "Damn I thought girls were made of sunshine n gum drops n shit, thanks a lot Mom." (*backfire*)

And if you have a daughter, pleeeeeease don't plant in her head that all men are not to be trusted and they will hurt you. There are men out here who were raised right but they'll never get the time of day if they're treated like the usual suspects. Just keep her up on game for whenever a man does try to pull a fast one, she can be like "nuh uh." Also an even bigger PLEASE to mothers who have a worthless man in their life, do NOT allow your child to EVER see you accept less than your worth. Fuck what your heart feels (go 'head with that Melanie Fiona "but i love this mannnn" bullshit), your child(ren)'s best interest comes before anything. ANYTHING.

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; and nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." - Thomas Jefferson

It is so critical to provide knowledge to your children on as many aspects of life as you can, in case you haven't noticed, the world is only getting crazier. And don't forget to lead by example, practice what you preach because simply talking a good one isn't good enough.

Anyone care to share their experience/two cents on being a single mother? Or any men who were raised by a single mother and how you feel it had an effect on your life? Advice from fathers for single mothers?

Oh wait. Before I drop the mic and get down off my soapbox, I'd like to shout out Slaus, Minista, and D'Mario for being good fathers, and all the rest of the fathers who are active in their child's life and upbringing- not just paying that child support and calling it a day *side eye*. Also to the men out there who are in a relationship with a woman who has children and help her hold it down, yall are appreciated too! ;)

P.S. Be sure to tackle your sons or body slam them on the couch for no reason from time to time, rough em up. It's good for their soul :)

Disturbing

2010-02-26T10:35:00.004-05:00

okay so i go to school for Criminal Justice (for those of you who are new round here- but not to be the police- to work in a crime lab doing forensic science) and on Tuesday we had special agents from the GBI (like the FBI but on a state level- for Georgia) come in and give us a presentation on cybercrime.

cybercrime= computer hackers n shit, right? yes but not so much. see most of cybercrimes involve child pornography. therefore, that is what most of their computer crime cases consist of. well they cracked down on this one man and went to arrest him.

WARNING: i'm about to give some crime scene details- not involving blood, guts, or injuries to a child- but graphic nonetheless.

so they had a slide show of crime scene photos for this arrest.

1st pic: outside of a nice, suburban home. lawn was well-kept. nice truck in the driveway.

2nd pic: inside of the house. messy. mountain dew cans everywhere. clothes on the floor. just sloppy.

(sidenote: they mentioned a weird/funny observation about two things that most of these perverts have in common- excessive mountain dew consumption and a love for ninja kung-fu type of shit lol)

okay the pics progressively get worse. they show his bedroom. dirty mattress with no sheets on it. mountain dew cans and bottles all over the headboard. and a plate..... they asked us "what do you think is on that plate?"

baked beans?

an old browie?

chilli?

nope. this nasty son of a bitch was eating his OWN SHIT. feces!! (at this point some boy got up and walked out the classroom like fuck this shit- can't really blame him tho.)

then on his nightstand was a set of binoculars. and guess what his bedroom window had a clear view of?

the neighborhood children's bus stop.

*shudders*

yall.... this man is a SICK, SICK man. it gets even more bizarre.

in his bathroom, he had pics of naked kids taped to the wall in his shower. and on the floor were cut up pieces of these:

pool noodles.

he cut them into like 12-inch pieces and then pinched the middle with a rubber band, kinda like a bowtie. then put some type of balloon or condom on one end. homemade ridiculously huge dildo of some sort. man there were like 8 of these contraptions on the floor of his shower stall..... with fecal matter on them. he was sticking these things IN.HIS.ASS.
*vomit*
these things were all under his bed too! this animal had a kiddie pool in his room and a pot of various lubes on the floor. he would warm the lube on the stove, put the kiddie pool on his bed, pour the lube in it, climb in there with his dildo noodles and with the help of some augmentation device.... fuck himself up the ass with these things!!!! as he looked out the window at the CHILDREN!!!!!
that shit right there? had me like..... enraged. like to the point of contemplating switching my career move from crime lab to child pornography investigator. all these sick, disgusting, pieces of shit need to be locked up and off our streets (among various other punishments i can think of but won't mention).
i'm not writing this blog to gross anyone out. i'm writing it to wake people up. to make people alert. to know what is going on in your neighborhood. to encourage you to check the sex offender registry online to see if you have any sex offenders living near you. even if you don't have children. there are still rapists and peeping toms out here.
so.... what's YOUR neighborhood lookin like?
you can find out here -------------------> Sex Offender Registry
be safe out there please. this world seems to just be getting crazier and crazier.
*sigh*

How I Do....

2010-02-25T10:50:00.004-05:00

So my job decided they want to cut my hours now, on top of already cutting my salary 10%.... so I'm off on Mondays and work 32 hours a week instead of 40 hours. And since I don't work a full 40 hours, I am now considered "part-time" and ineligible for benefits, paid time off, vacation days, paid holidays off, etc. Basically I'm just here for my bitch ass pay check and that's it.

I ain't mad tho. Although I'm a tad pissed at how this will affect my income, I'm also smarter than the average bear.

When I got my income tax return, I did not lose my mind and go on a shopping spree. I paid off all my bills down to my current balance plus 2 months ahead. So I won't have to worry about paying any bills until April. Now, with these Mondays off I have all day to look for a new job, thanks bitches :)

This Monday was my first Monday off and it was drizzling and dreary but I got my ass up and out anyway. Apparently applying online isn't working fast enough, or at all even. So I just said fuck it, I'ma go out and ask people if they're hiring. There are alot of business complexes near my house so I started there. I got alot of "Sorry, we're not hiring but we'll take your resume." blah blah blah. I went to about 18 places and got rid of 10 resumes. One place I will hear from either tomorrow or Monday. It's a screen tee printing company and the owner also owns a financial consulting firm and said that lately he's been too occupied doing "small stuff" and needs more time to dedicate towards the important stuff. So he told me that he's going to figure out what he needs help with between his two businesses and see if he can find 40 hours worth of work for me to do, and if he can then I will have a job :) So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that!

Word of advice to anyone looking for a job, go in person! Apply online too but don't do that and only that. I got my current job just by walking in. The position I'm working didn't even exist before I came in the door. After I dropped off my resume, they thought "Hmm... we do need some help." and created a position for me. Not that I like this job, just sayin that going in person can speed the process of finding a job.

A manager at one of the places I went to Monday said that they didn't have anything but he admired my determination and he will be sure to ask his associates if they know of anything so he can share my resume. He also said to call him back in 5-6 weeks if I didn't have a job by then to see if business has picked up and he'd see if he had something for me then.

Never give up. Never think there is only one way to go about doing something.

Every Monday I'm going out until I get something. So hopefully by the time bills start rolling in again I will have new employment with a new (better) salary and everything will be cool. I actually declared at the beginning of this year that I WILL have new job by March, so let's see how good my psychic powers are lol. My honey on the other hand, is discouraged by the current job market and thinks his time would be better spent going back to school to study law. But I think that's a positive thing and I support him on that if that's what he'd like to do. He's about sick of the government getting over on people just because they don't fully understand their rights, and so am I. But that's a whole other blog right there....

But anywaaay... gotta cut this short. I hope yall have a lovely day :)

Random Cool (useless) Bella Facts

2010-02-19T10:52:00.002-05:00

- i often remix songs into some perverted or otherwise inappropriate version in my head. just be in the bathroom singing "every piss begins with peeeee." to the tune of a kay jewelers commercial.

- i only like red and purple skittles. i don't wanna taste the rainbow.

- i have eaten more cookie dough in the last month than i have actually used it to bake cookies, even though is specifically says "DO NOT CONSUME RAW COOKIE DOUGH" on the packaging :-/

- i do my kegel exercises every day. it's just the responsible thing to do when you have a vagina.

- i sleep on the left side of the bed.

- some days i imagine cocking back and bustin my boss in the forehead with a chicken wing for my own amusement.

- i don't think trey songz invented sex.

- i whoop ass when necessary. more parents should.

- i think highly of myself, but i don't look down on anyone. unless i'm gettin some head ;)

- i dance and sing (really loud) in my car, even when i can feel people looking at me, i don't give a fuck... point. laugh. glad i could entertain ya. catch me at a red light near you bitches.

- i think many perverted thoughts every day. many.... every.... day.

- i don't like to share my snacks. depending on what kind of mood i'm in, i will: 1. buy you some of what i'm eating 2. eat it away from other human beings or 3. straight act like i don't see you eyeballing my tasty treats as i devour them.

- i hate tomatoes. and mushrooms. and olives. and bananas. and oranges. and i only use onions and peppers for flavor while cooking, but i push them off to the side when it's time to eat.

- i have a heart of platinum. i will do anything i'm capable of for those i love (*who i know- without a doubt- would do the same for me).

- i'm addicted to Forensic Files tv series and Law & Order. i can watch either of those back to back to back...

- i squeeze my own ass for no particular reason sometimes.

- i just ordered that Insanity workout DVD series.... pray for my body please.

- i love big earrings.

- chocolate is like crack to me. craaaack!!

- i have only lived in two states, NY (since birth) and GA (since 2000).

- i hardly ever go out. and as i'm getting older, i realize when i do go out that i'm not missing much. i feel like small doses of partying are better than partying til it seems old and boring to you.

- i think smoking cigarettes is even nastier than sucking 3 different dicks in one day. yall know what that does to your lungs? this: (left lung non-smoker, right lung.... well, do the math)

-i'm an asshole.
-i'm a leo. which may explain why i'm an asshole :)
- i can appreciate a nice ass on a female just as well as a man can. except i do not want to have sex with it or touch it. penis fo life! but i'll still look. *shrugs*
- i am currently a straight A student *pops four collars*

tis all for now.

enjoy your day folks!

And This is Why...

2010-02-08T22:45:00.004-05:00

I really don't mean to do two posts in a row on the excuse of a man my children have for a father but.... just to clarify for those who haven't been following my blog very long...

I am not a spiteful, bitter woman, being a stank bitch about my bd over petty things. It's things like today. My youngest son's 5th birthday. His second birthday in a row with no phone call from the man who gave him life. The man who claimed once upon a time that his children meant the world to him. The man he looks like. The man who insisted he be named after him.

I can't wait to fill out those name change papers. Luckily my bd and my brother have the same first name so once I change my son's middle name, he will just be named after my brother, so it all works out :)

And I really don't give a fuck about snatching my bd's father's name away from him, because it's an ugly ass name anyway.

*hmph*

My older son's middle name is the same as my bd's first name (how crazy is it that he made sure both his sons had his name, then went to not giving a fuck to even say "happy birthday"??) so I'm changing his to my father's middle name. And my daughter's middle name is my bd's sister's first name. Sooo hers will be changed too lol. I'm changing it to "Saree" it means "most noble" in Arabic and I like how it sounds with her first name.

This whole changing of the names may sound a bit extreme, but seriously what is the point of having my children walk through life named after people who obviously don't care about them? No thank you.

Anyway, for my son's birthday I dropped him off at school with a cake this morning and then went back up there on my lunch break to have some cake with him and his class. We won't do the actual "celebrating" until Saturday because there's still one more birthday this week, my other son turns 6 on Friday (yeah they were born a year apart and will be the same age for 4 days, crazy huh? lol). So we'll do the Chuck E. Cheese thing when I get out of class and do cake and gifts and all that good stuff for them both then. I just LOVE when my kids have a birthday, I always think back to the day they were born. Despite all the bullshit I went through with their father for six years, if they were the only good thing to come of it, then it was all worth it in my eyes. They are the loves of my life and they mean more to me than I can even put into words. I live for them and I will die for them. Period.

Losin It...

2010-02-03T17:40:00.002-05:00

Today at work I was checking my hotmail to see if I received an alert from H&R Block to let me know if my money was put on the card yet and the lil office manager comes into my office (that I share with my boss, who was also sitting right behind me) and sees me click my hotmail screen down.

her: You know, if you don't have anything to do I can find you something.

me: *whips head around* What? *stares* I have stuff to do, what are you talking about?

her: I see you click that screen down, you over there chatting.

me: Chatting? Um no.

her: Well what was that you clicked down? You want me to pull it up?

me: Go ahead. I don't care. I'll pull it up myself. *opens hotmail screen* See?

her: What about those down there you have open, what's that?

me: *opens other two browsers* UPS to make a shipping label... annnd OUR website so I can access our part catalog.

her: *blank face*

me: I was looking at something. So how was I chatting? Did you see me typing?

her: *hmph*

my boss: What is going on?

me: Yeah. I was checking the status of my tax return because I have some bills that need my attention. Sorry I have other things to do in life besides just sit at this desk all day.

And turned my ass right back around and continued to do my work. Fuck outta here.

I can't be dealing with this bullshit much longer. Usually I am capable of conducting myself professionally, for the sake of a paycheck and only for the sake of a paycheck. But today I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I mean I'm a grown ass woman with children, you don't approach me like that, like you checkin me and you ain't even my boss.... pssshhh.

Yall please pray I don't headbutt this hoe.

Untitled

2010-01-28T12:08:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to share a random story I was reminded of last night. I saw a tweet about donations to Haiti and it made me think of last week when I was getting the kids ready for school. My oldest son (almost 6) was looking for his $1 for icecream the school has for sale every Friday. My daughter (8) walked up to him and said, "You don't need icecream, it's cold outside anyway. You gonna give your dollar to Haiti." in a demanding tone of voice lol. She is so sweet and silly.

Then that got me to thinking about her and the way she is, and I remembered something else she did when she was even younger, about five, and she just amazes me. We were leaving Wal Mart and in the parking lot she saw a young girl (maybe 10 years old) in a wheelchair (I believe she had Cerebral Paulsy) and my daughter asked me what happened to the girl. I said that I wasn't sure and maybe she was born that way or got into a car accident, and also explained that it's important to never stare or point at people who are different than you because it's rude and might make them feel bad.

her: oooh, okay. how is she going to get in her car?

me: her mommy will pick her up and help her get in there.

her: oh. how does she go to the bathroom?

me: i'm sure her mommy and family help her do that too baby.

her: oh. she's pretty.

me: awww *smile*

her: can i tell her?

me: you sure can baby girl.

So we walked over to the girl in the wheelchair as her mother was getting ready to put her in the van, and my daughter put her hand on the little girl's hand and said "you're beautiful." (melted my damn heart lol)

I'm not sure if the girl understood or not but she seemed to smile, and her mother was like, "Awww wow how sweet! Thank you sweetie." and gave her a little hug and smiled at me and said "She is an angel, bless you." I said "Thank you, so is she *pointed at her daughter* you have a good night." and waved goodbye to the girl.

Something I will never forget. Makes me kind of sad that people don't interact with eachother like decent human beings so much anymore. A little can really go a long way sometimes, you never know how much you can turn someone's day around just by giving them a compliment, or even a smile. And it doesn't even cost you anything.

Try it sometimes :)

Fashion Show Pics (late as hell)

2010-01-22T19:23:00.020-05:00

Damn I completely forgot to tell yall (blame twitter) that I was in a fashion show for the first time in November. It was for the Annual Battle of Model and Designers Competition at the World Congress Center in Atlanta. Nothing major but I had fun and learned how to "walk" and "werk" and such.

Here are some pics :)

(pardon the order, I just uploaded them and left it at that lol)

the end.

I enjoyed myself, it was kinda weird getting dressed and undressed in a room full of like 100 people, male and female. Kept making sure to point my booty at a wall when I got undressed. At one point I had to change in the hallway backstage and I was just straight topless in a thong while people were dressing me and people running past me *eeek!* Soooo not accustomed to that type of shit. It was hectic and my feet hurt like a MUTHAFUCKA afterwards (I was there for 10 hours) but like I said, I had a good time. One of the designers I walked for (Jacka- designed the pink print halter dress) won 2nd Place and my Mom drove all the way down from NY to see me :) My Auntie also made a 3 hour drive up from south Georgia. Hoping to do some more in the future, in the meantime I'm in these books and working and getting my Super Mom on!

peace & love.

Deez Nuts

2010-01-22T11:38:00.004-05:00

i came to work this morning and this was on my desk

???

so i decided to share a pic of this nonsense with ms. ava dior
me: so i come to work to this on my desk. um thanks for the peanuts? wtf who just gives people a handfull of peanuts on a sheet of paper without asking if they even want any? fuck these nuts.
ava: write 'deez' on the paper just for giggles....

*sends new pic to ava*

and i will be leaving it right here for the rest of the day.

:-P

Reflecting

2010-01-21T09:21:00.001-05:00

i'm usually not the mushy type. i put up a barrier around my heart because i felt like to display my raw emotions makes me vulnerable or a sucker. but i really don't feel that way anymore. i didn't realize how tall i built that wall until i noticed how long it took me to take it down, and it's taken a pretty damn long time honestly. i'd get comfortable and take a couple bricks down, get hurt and stack them back up again.

in a few months i will have "been with" my man for 4 years.... i put quotes on "been with" because for a good while we were not in an actual relationship. we were more like best friends with benefits. we kicked it all the time (no, not just for sexin), held eachother down in times of need, got along very well, etc..... and silly me assumed that because i wasn't having sex with anyone else, then he shouldn't either. but it didn't turn out that way. i sensed it sometimes but shrugged it off. eventually i started to care. and then i wanted to know the truth... and the truth hurt. it broke my heart. i realized how much i loved him, i just never wanted to admit it to myself, i ignored that feeling for a long time because i was afraid of it. after the things "love" did to me before, i just didn't want to be love's friend. in the beginning neither of us wanted a relationship anyway. but once my feelings started to change, i pretty much kept that to myself, never verbalized it. never said "i love you." i kept up my hard facade. so i accept part of the blame for the way things went down because it is true that a man will only do what you let him do. a relationship doesn't exist just because one person feels like that's what it is. a relationship exists when two people have a mutual agreement that is what they have, and we never came to that agreement. so i couldn't get mad at him without getting mad at myself too.

after that, i let him know that i'm aware temptations exist and some people can resist them better than others. but at the same time, if he felt like he was missing something or had to get some things out of his system then he was free to do so, but not with me in the mix. that if he was not ready for a commitment, then we could no longer remain as we were. we would have to either part ways as friends or move ahead, in a relationship. and told him to take his time with that decision, don't just tell me what i want to hear. to think about how he really feels and what he wants and just be honest with me because we're both adults. he wiped a tear off my face and said, "i apologize from the bottom of my heart and every bone in my body, i never wanted to hurt you and i'm so sorry i did. i'm human, i made a mistake and i was wrong for that. i don't want anybody else." i accepted his apology and asked him to leave so he could take time to think about things. and he still said that he didn't want anybody else so.....

here we are now (this was over a year ago, before i started this blog). at first "taking him back" was awkward, i had those uneasy thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. suspicious. interrogated him when ever he returned a missed call.... he would get upset and say that if i don't trust him then we shouldn't be together and that it's not fair for me to give him a second chance without actually giving him a second chance. he had a point. so i decided to stop driving myself crazy and relax. it sucks when your mind gets the best of you, it's hard to get a grip. but like i said, he had a point. if you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. and if you decide to forgive someone and move ahead, you can't keep on holding the past against them. so you either need to take a deep breath and proceed with caution, or walk away if you aren't prepared/able to do that. i had do ask myself "is he doing anything wrong now?" and my answer (to the best of my knowledge) was "no."

if anything he was making an effort to do better but i was too occupied with being paranoid that i didn't give him a fair chance to prove he was sincere. and ever since then that's all he's done, we have remained "incident-free" lol. at first i was wondering "yeah okay, how long is this gonna last?" feeling like he was only doing these things because he felt bad and would soon slip up.... but that hasn't happened. and that paranoia i had doesn't even exist anymore, hasn't for quite a while actually. i feel a way i never felt before. i had gotten so used to rebuliding my wall that now when i just have a pile of bricks and nothing to do with them, i'm like what now? i've never gotten to this point with anyone before. all i know is it feels really good.

he keeps an eye on my kids while i go to class. he helps clean up, he cooks from time to time, sometimes even has dinner ready when i walk in the door so i don't have to do anything but make plates. he sings me silly songs, hugs me for no reason, curls up on me at night and squeezes me, smooches my forehead, and gropes me all the time (i like that cuz i'm a pervert). he's helped my sons learn to write their name and read, and he tries to comb my daughter's hair lol. whenever i'm down or frustrated he tells me "don't worry baby, we gon make it through this. i promise everything will be okay." and every morning when he wakes up, he smiles at me with his eyes half open and it makes me feel all soft and bitch-like inside. but i don't care. i'll be that lol. looking back on day one up until now, he has changed so much. some things i honestly thought i'd never see him do or hear him say. i just really appreciate that man. yeah we've been through a lot, but to me that's what makes it more real. it feels like we actually built something. nothing is perfect. and nobody is perfect either. but i do believe there are people who can be perfect for eachother. and it doesn't matter if it makes sense to the rest of the world or not.

all i know is i'm grateful to have someone who can make me feel a way i never knew. the way i deserve to feel.

and just because i feel like a punk now for being all open and lovey dovey-ish, let me say i also love him for (less mushy) things like this:

"oh i meant to tell you, you pooted in your sleep last night... like 3 times. stankin booty girl."

"damn why you get dressed so fast? i wanted to squeeze a titty."

me: *doing homework at the computer*

him: *slaps me on the shoulder with penis and keeps walking*

♥

Bad Girl?

2010-01-19T09:50:00.007-05:00

Sooo I got asked to cast for Bad Girls Club today.....

my response: I have kids and they need a good role model. So no thanks.

I have never even watched an episode of this show. I've just seen clips of it and heard people talk about it. And that didn't gain my interest, it only deterred it. Just sounds like a bunch of rowdy bitches with no good sense who talk and behave stupidly. Woopty Doo. If I even went on that show I'd wake up, hear some bitches talking outside my room....

and do this

just off GP.

Like "stop talking about stupid shit." and take my ass back to bed. I don't understand the point of this show. Oooo look a buncha bitches done lost their minds. Okay? And I have a daughter. What the hell do I look like going on national tv and making an ass out of myself? I'm tempted to let her watch this shit just to show her how NOT to behave (shout out to the homie Jaila for that idea lol)

I'm sick of all these "reality" shows in general actually.

Flavor of Ray J's Dick.

Jersey Whores.

The Fake World.

etc...

I refuse to donate any of my brain functions towards those shows. I'd rather watch something on the History Channel or National Geographic and learn something than watch bitches chase after "celebrity" penis, or get drunk and fight eachother, or watch people party and fuck carelessly or live in a "real" world that doesn't look a damn thing like the world I live in. I don't know....

Maybe I'm getting old.

Or maybe I'm just getting wiser.

How do you feel about these shows?

Food For Thought

2010-01-17T18:36:00.002-05:00

"every man with a penis isn't a dog and every bitch with a vagina isn't a lady." - Bella

that is all.

Haiti Needs Your Help

2010-01-14T09:15:00.009-05:00

As we all know, Haiti has been devastated by an earthquake. It amazes me that some people can shrug it off or show lack of concern and justify it by saying, "shit we have our own problems and our own hungry and homeless people to take care of here."

This is true. BUT if you haven't been doing anything to assist in that cause EITHER then what are you complaining for? A majority of people in the U.S. are homeless and hungry because they made some bad decisions in their life and need to get it together. There are the disabled or victims of circumstance, who make up the smaller percentage of homeless people, I'm just saying a MAJORITY of people in that position put themselves there (and I do donate to the Salvation Army and have helped strangers many times in my life, so yes I do care about domestic issues too). Haiti is already the poorest nation and they were minding their business when this earthquake hit. I don't see how anyone can be insensitive to such a massive loss of human life and destruction.

Maybe simply hearing about it or reading about it isn't enough. But right now THIS is what the people of Haiti are going through:

And THIS is what you can do to help (list compiled by google of all organizations assisting in relief to Haiti).

Also, please click here to see the population map of how the earthquake impacts Haiti.

I'm sorry but if anyone can look at this like it doesn't matter, then they have no heart or regard for mankind. Even if you can't do a lot, if a lot of people do a little- it adds up to a lot.

My thoughts and my heart go out to the people in Haiti and their loved ones who are also devastated by the loss and tragedy.

I would also like to share a song in memory of Teddy Pendergrass passing away yesterday, one which I think we all need to hear and appreciate.

Wake Up Everybody.

And Rest in Peace to those who can't.

Watch Out Now

2010-01-13T15:23:00.004-05:00

i have some shit to talk about.

i always do actually, but somehow when i tell myself "oooh i need to blog about that..." later on i'm like "shit... what the hell was that thing i wanted to blog about?"

so today i decided to keep a lil notepad with me to make a note of these things. and i already have five topics. makes me wonder how many "blogable" thoughts i've lost in the last WEEK... smh... i'm almost certain this has a lot to do with me slackin on my posting.

so be on the lookout for musings from me and my handy dandy notebook! :)

Get It Together

2010-01-07T23:52:00.006-05:00

Okay, there is one thing that really irritates me.

And that is: stupid bitches. I am revolting against stupid bitches in 2010.

There are many breeds of stupid bitch. Today I am talking about the opportunistic, misguided, money hungry variety.

I don't even know where to start... I guess I'll just do a list (i already had a rant about this on twitter today but 140 characters just ain't enough sometimes)

Things These Stupid Bitches Do

1. hold men to materialistic standards they don't even meet their damn self- if you drive a ford focus or take the bus how DARE you say it's a requirement for a man you deal with to be in a luxury car. if you're unemployed or work some part-time retail gig (and don't even go to school), how DARE you say a man must make a lot of money to fuck with you?

2. hold men to moral standards they don't even meet their damn self- if you're looking for a man to save you from financial burdens and end up with a man who does so, but treats you like shit, then you got what you asked for. if you treat a man like an ATM machine and only care about making withdrawls, DO NOT expect him to deposit anything but money and nut into your life. quality time? loyalty? pssshhh...

3. front like men just give them money and gifts for no reason- um 9 times out of 10.... you fuckin. be on the phone like "yeah girl he swear he getting some ass. please he better just come out them pockets and shut up." meanwhile receiving a text from him saying "you know you left your panties over here last night?" mhmmm... if your mentality is all you have to do is throw him some ass and he throws you some cash, you're basically just a "clever" prostitute, stop frontin. and don't flatter yourself.

4. brag about stupid shit- telling everyone that your fuck buddy/trick bought you a winter coat is basically like putting up a Burlington Coat Factory billboard with your vagina on it. "guess what! my pussy is worth $89.99 bitches!" well bravo for you hoe.

5. wonder why they are lonely- if deep inside you really want LOVE, get a fuckin grip and compose yourself. and your labia. you can't be out here fuckin all willy nilly and expect a man to snatch you up and roll out the red carpet for your raggedy ass. don't act like some big ol' pimpstress one minute and then mope about how lonely you are. pick a side and stay there.

6. say "men ain't shit." and "fuck men." - whenever i see or hear these statements i want to just go upside a bitch's head with a bottle of finely aged STFU. if you are out here using a man, expect to be used in return at some point. it's called karma.

7. use their pussy as a meal ticket- if you think you have a platinum vagina that will carry you all the way through life, i would like to kick your mother in the taint for not teaching you better. get some business about yourself. immediately.

8. mention how broke they are within the first two days of meeting a man- FAIL. (no further commentary necessary)

9. teach their daughters this foolishness- if you encourage your daughter to make sure she gets a rich man, without mentioning all else that is important in a man, fuck your life.

10. bring insignificant men around their child(ren)- some, not all, of these bitches think that if a man sees her children, they will feel more sorry for them and be more eager to help (that is, if they've "hit the jackpot" and found a sucka for love ass dude). this is just so wrong for so many reasons. using your kids for pity points? you're a just a bum using advanced peddling techniques, basically. and i won't even get into the chicks who's theme song is "have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire..."

*sigh*

I just need bitches to do better so we have less bitches and more LADIES in the world!

(Please stay tuned for further Stupid Bitch PSA's)

"I Feel You"

2010-01-05T23:41:00.004-05:00

i can't stand when people say that shit to me and they aren't even (or have never been) in my situation.

one of my friends, whom i love DEARLY by the way, is always saying this shit to me.

"i feel you girl."

um how? you don't even have any kids and you live with your mom. and honestly part of the reason yall "struggle" is because you work part-time and sleep full-time. instead of being productive and seeking full-time employment, i'm hearing "girl i just woke up."....... at 4:00 pm...... on a weekday. and "i know i'm broke but i just bought a pair of jeans from my job, they fit so nice, i just had to get them."

while i wake up at 7am everyday, work until 6pm, go to school, tend to 3 kids, cook, clean, do laundry, buy my children clothes before myself and i pay rent and bills. i'm carrying a whole household on my back right now.

but you feel me huh? *scratches head*

don't get me wrong, she has goals and talks about doing better but it's like don't complain about something if you're not going to DO anything about it and then claim to feel ME. because as much as i sit here and complain about my job, know that i spend just as much time looking for a new one.

i love her like a sister but damn... you gotta walk in my shoes before you can tell me you know how my feet feel.

2010 Fuckery

2010-01-05T22:21:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year! (5 days late. oh well.)

My New Year's Eve was.... eh. First, I agreed to watch two of my daughter's friends for the WEEKEND (which begins on Friday night, right?) but then one of the girl's mother asked if they could come a night early. I knew why (so they could get their celebration on) but hell I didn't have any plans and she's kept my kids for days at a time on more than one occasion so I said sure, we can have a party! Even though I didn't really want to lol but as mothers, we got codes. If you watched ALL THREE of my kids for a whole week, the least I can do is watch your daughter and niece for 3 days. Okay so then she texts me asking if her other friend (who I've met about 3 times) can leave her daughter with me overnight and pick her up in the morning around 9am, and also said that she would pay me for doing so. So I agreed, ONLY for those reasons. Early pick up and cash? Cool.

So they all get dropped off. THEN my other friend calls me, she'd been at the hospital all day with a friend of hers who was in labor and said that her other friend needs to go and get ready for her evening and she really wants to stay with her friend until the baby is born or else she will give birth all alone. And she kept talking about how nobody would watch her boys for her so she can stay at the hospital, etc. (Her friend also ONLY speaks Spanish and the nurses were just doing stuff to her without explaining what it was they were doing or why- so the lady was freaked out a little bit). Sooo I said "tell your friend to drop them off here and then when the baby is born, you can pick them up."

EIGHT KIDS.

Everything was fine, they were loud but shit it was 8 of them so that's to be expected. Well the lady had her baby around 9:30pm and my friend kept texting me that she was on her way soon and also saying how she feels bad for me being stuck in the house with eight kids and yada yada yada....

So why did this heffer text me about 11:20pm talkin about "I really hate to ask you this but can the boys sleep over? I'm so tired man I've been up since 7am I'm so exhausted. I just wanna go home and sleep girl." And she even has to drive past my exit to get home? Please.

my reply: girl.......? I get up at 7 am every single day.

(she doesn't work- by choice)

So she came and got them at 11:50pm and wouldn't even stay 10 minutes to wait until midnight so her kids can throw confetti and make noise with the rest of the kids. Anyways.....

My hunny got picked up by his boy earlier that night and before he left I said "Damn, he's gonna get drunk and not feel like driving you back home." He was like "Fuck that. I'm coming home. I will drive HIS car here if I have to and he can get home however he gets home. I told his ass already I ain't with that bullshit."

And that's exactly what ended up happening lol. He drove back home in his boy's truck with dude passed out drunk in the passenger seat, threw a blanket on his ass and left him knocked out in the truck in the driveway.... it was cold as fuck out there too :-/

*insert drunken new years sexy time here*

*fast forward to the next day*

The extra little girl I agreed to watch who was supposed to be picked up in the MORNING and who I was supposed to be PAID to watch ended up going down like this here:

5:00 PM

No call from her mother, nothing. Even though when she dropped her off she said "I have your number, do you have mine?" and I told her no I didn't and to call or text me so I can save it if I need to get in touch with her.

Never happened.

So the other little girl's mother called and said she was going to swing by and drop off her daughter's hair scarf because she forgot it.

So I asked her "Um when is your friend coming to get her child?"

"Hmmm.... you know that is a good question because umm the last time I talked to her she said she woke up butt naked in some hotel room and didn't know where she was, and that was around noon."

Pardon?

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?!

Bitch I did you the favor of watching your child on NEW YEAR'S EVE of all eve's and you just gonna leave your child here without a word for damn near 24 hours?? But you had the sense to call your friend who doesn't even have your child and tell her what's going on? So her friend who dropped of the hair scarf for her own child ended up taking that little girl with her when she left.

Never even got so much as a text or phone call saying "I'm so sorry, but thank you for holding my child down for me."

And of course since she wasn't the one to pick her child up, I didn't get paid shit either.

It is VERY RARE that I even watch my own friend's children like that but honestly I never expected that type of shit from that chick so that's why I agreed to watch her child. Everytime I've ever been around her, she (and her daughter) were laid back, reserved, well-dressed, good-mannered.... but I guess you really never know people. All i DO know is that was my first and last time ever doing favors for a bitch I don't know very well.

The rest of the weekend went good tho! I actually had fun with the girls, we baked brownies and cookies, I gave them pedicures (pastel pink of course, I don't play that grown shit) and we had hot cocoa and played the wii (I kicked their ass in bowling haha). My five year old son tried to bag both my daughter's friends. Gonna tell one he wants her to be his girlfriend then not even 5 minutes later put his arm around the other one talkin about "And I like you too." I got my eye on that boy, tryina get older women already... smh.

Well it's late (kinda) and I'm about to relaaaaxxx now ;)

And let me know how the New Year is going so far for you!!

mi vida

2009-12-30T23:18:00.003-05:00

oh shit i think this is my second post in a week! maybe?

anyway i have some random updates/nonsense i just feel like talking about...

okay first, im broke. but what else is new? i think i forgot to mention that the job my man found a couple months ago turned about to be some ol' bullshit commission fuckery. so he's still looking. i'm still looking. don't get me wrong i am grateful to have a job, it just isnt the job for me. AT ALL. it's robotic, simple, doesn't challenge my brain whatsoever. i feel like i've lost IQ points just working there for as long as i have. if they paid me halfway decent i might be able to deal with that. BUT they don't. my paycheck is an even bigger joke after that 10% salary cut they made and then to only get paid once a month fuckin suuuuucks.

i just wish out of all these jobs i applied to, SOMEBODY will call me for an interview soon. my resume is pretty damn good so i don't understand what the problem is. i guess there really aren't many places hiring right now *sigh* NOW i believe people when they say "i can't find a job." i used to suck my teeth and think "yeah okay, surrrre..." but searching myself has given me a reality check. shit truly is fucked up out here. but enough complaining, we are doing what we can do and we just have to keep on doing it.

i have my moments every now and then but at the end of the day i know it could be worse. yeah my bills are behind, but not to the point where shit is getting disconnected. the rent is paid, the lights are on, i have heat, water, food... shit even cable and internet which isn't even a necessity. it's hard stretching money and making dollars to magic tricks to keep it that way but like i said, it could be worse. and i'm thankful that it isn't.

i have beautiful, loving, crazy children to remind me what life is all about. and i have a man who... well he's just the shit. i don't know another way to put it. if yall knew how he was from day one up until now.... ooowhee. drastic change, for the better. i dont have time to get into our history right now but we've come a long way. i never expected to honestly but life is crazy and everything does happen for a reason. he helps me in every way he is capable and i'm in a state of contentment and happiness i have never known in my life. he also does music and recently wrote a song about strong women (good mothers, going to school, taking care of their kids, etc.) and told me it was dedicated to me. today he told me to call his phone and it was my ringtone :) it feels good to be appreciated, and in the form of a song at that lol.

ohhh i also have a great story about karma. i love that bitch.

i got a phone call from my bd's brother-in-law last week a day or two before christmas. he said that my bd called collect (apparently he's been in jail for months *shrugs* i didnt know and could care less) and gave him my phone number to call me and ask if i would DO HIM A FAVOR. i laughed immediately. i was like "a what? hahahaha yeah right." well his brother-in-law wasn't privy to the situation so i made a long story short and ran it down to him about how he volunteered to pay for daycare, let it get 3 months behind, paid less than half of it and told me i need to pay the rest because "we're not friends i don't do you favors." and when i asked him to just pay the rest of what he owed and go on about his life, his response was "fuck you."..... so he was like "ooooh wow. thats crazy. do you know what he wanted you to do?" i told him to humor me. well how bout this piece of shit wanted me to go to the police station, sign a release for his property so they would give me his $1280 and expected me to use it to bond him out.

o_O

i said "you know what? you can tell him the last thing he said to me. tell him i said: we're not friends, i don't do you favors and fuck you."

merry christmas to him! i hope he enjoyed that room temperature prison eggnog :)

*cheese*

ahhh... now let me go kick it with my baby. yall have a safe and happy new year!!

joy

2009-12-28T00:09:00.005-05:00

this has been a rough year and i still have some way to go to get to where i want to be. but i KNOW where i'm going. and i know that i have the determination, endurance, strength and patience to get there.

even through the rain, i'll still bleed smiley faces and sunshine if you cut me because i have too many reasons to be happy to let anything break me down.

so for anyone going through a rough time right now, i just want to say a couple things.

1. believe in yourself at all times, ESPECIALLY when others don't. success is the greatest revenge of all.

2. know that your current struggle is only temporary.

3. if you think you've hit rock bottom, atleast there is nowhere left to go but UP.

4. obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal, so stay focused.

5. for every one thing that gets you down, think of two reasons to keep going.

6. don't be your own worst enemy. strive for (and accept) nothing short of your worth.

7. reduce negativity and unnecessary distractions in your life, even if that includes people.

8. if something isn't working, try a different approach or eliminate the problem simply by deciding if it's even worth your energy or not.

9. time spent complaining is time wasted. what is your PLAN?

and most importantly...

10. find something to love about every day.

Merry Christmas Hoe

2009-12-23T19:47:00.008-05:00

i went to the grocery store this morning and grabbed a few things to share with the office today.

- muffins

- fruit

- cookies

- orange juice

shit like that.

well the little korean office manager lady says to me "oh how nice! you mind if i take a one pack of oran jews fo geeft?"

me: "gift for... who?"

her: "oh here. in de office. we goeeng to do raffle, deese can be fo someone to win as prize."

and just takes the shit out of the break room. okay i brought in 3 six-packs and most people drink coffee anyway but i was still o_O

fast forward to the end of the day. my turn to play the raffle game, which i dont even have the energy to explain the ridiculous way they went about leading you to your "magic number" for your corresponding gift.

well i ended up at #10

which was this:

im like okay cool. i cant read any of these korean characters but its a gift set of some sort.

chocolates?

dishes?

smell goods perhaps?

nope.

i opened the box and............................

thats right yall see that six pack of tropicana ORAN JEWS! i won my own muthafuckin juice back!

aint that a bitch.

now *vanna white hand motion* i ALSO received a calendar from the korean bank we do business with, a pack of copy paper (from our stock room), deck of cards (also in korean, of course), some chocolates (which i really aint mad at), but what you don't see here is 4 packs of this:

"and what the fuck is that bella?" you may ask... well my friend, it's seaweed.

yes.fucking.SEAWEED.

and the reason it is not in that picture is because i promptly gave that shit away to someone who actually eats it. see korean folks wrap their rice in this dry seaweed. sorry but im not eating shit that grows in spongebob's front yard. call me an ignorant, ungrateful, uncultured, asshole if you want. i dont give a single solitary fuck. this just isn't something that belongs in a "gift set" for christmas or any other occasion.

i need answers.

first i need to know what made her look at my orange juice and think "ooowhee now that's a nice gift, i just know someone had vitamin C on their wish list!"

and i need to know how a ream of copy paper got involved in these shennanigans.

i would also like someone to tell me what game of cards i'm supposed to play with a deck i can't even comprehend.

um the calendar, fuck it.

and the seaweed.... i just can't.

well, merry christmas yall!!

i'll be hitting the road for virginia beach EARLY tomorrow morning to spend christmas time with my family, i hope you all have a safe and lovely holiday :)

Reason #436637 Why...

2009-11-09T23:01:00.004-05:00

i love this man.

me: doing homework, chin in palm with my lip poked out, staring at the computer screen...

him: "what's wrong? you look discouraged." comes over and rubs my neck and shoulders. "do you need anything?"

♥

it's the little things.

"Nope. Not a Drop."

2009-10-03T19:05:00.016-04:00

i was reminiscing the other day about some drunken moments. yall remember the first time you got fucked up? well the first time i ever got officially drunk i was 14 years old (dont judge me). let me tell you the tale of...

OLDE ENGLISH

i was at my friend's house chillin and there was another chick there who we kicked it with a couple times and she asked me to walk to the store with her. so we go and as we're leaving she saw this dude she was "talkin to" and he was like "what yall bout to do?" (i'd seen him around but didn't know him like that) she told him "i dont know, why?" he said "yall wanna come chill? im about to pick up (so and so- dont remember his name.)" she just answered "yeah sure." for us both and i was like whatever, i guess i'll go.

he stops at the liquor store.

yeah we were 14 and he was old enough to buy liquor. at this point im thinking "what the...?" and when he gets back in the car he hands us a damn 40 oz. of Old English. now see i had beer before, my father used to let me have some sips on New Years Eve and SuperBowl games, etc. but not a whole damn 40 oz. i was just planning on not drinking mine. but after we arrived at, which i now assume was his mother's house, she was talkin to her dude in the kitchen and i was in the family room, his boy was sitting on the couch lookin like he wanted to talk to me but was nervous or some shit (which was good cuz he was too old for me. and large and ugly). well i got bored so i twisted the cap off n took a sip. and then another... and another... thought "oh this aint shit." and sips turned into chugs. then soon it was gone. and then i drank half of another one for some reason.

then i had to pee.

i was sitting down while i was drinking and i think i drank it in less than 15 minutes. dont ask me who i thought i was. so i realized i was drunk, but of course tried to play it off. mister old-n-nervous decided he wanted to sit next to me on the couch and try to get my phone number when i came back from peeing and i wasn't even tryina hear that shit so i waved at her and said "yo im ready to leave now." and stood by the door. her dude was like "aww yall aint even been here that long." i told him it was long enough for me and that if he didn't want to give me a ride home i will just walk. so he threw his car keys to pudge face (mufucka looked like beanie seagull- yes im fully aware of how i spelled that) and told him to drive me home.

the ride was silent except me telling him where to turn and proclaiming i was engaged to be married... at 14 years old. i had him drop me off in front of the wrong house on purpose, then walked up the street to my house. my sister and our neighbor were sitting on the steps and the first thing my sister said when she saw me was "oooh you're drunk." so i did the finger to my lips "ssssshhhhh" move, and giggled.

"damn i can smell it on your breath! dad is home, you can't go upstairs like that, come on let's go in the back."

so i followed them to the back and somehow decided i wanted to go into our building's laundry room instead and sit on top of a washer. i looked like a weeble wobble on that shit, talkin about "gum. i need gum. gimme gum." my sister said "i dont have any!"

"yes you do." *reached IN her mouth and TOOK her gum* smh

next thing i remember was them walking me up the street with one of my arms on each of their shoulders. i saw a man bringing trash bags to the curb and yelled out "oh shit its trash day?! i didnt know it was trash day! aw damn it." as if it was of some significance to me (?) then we went onto the playground at the pre-k on the corner. i sat on the lil steel bus talkin about some damn "vrrrrooooom! beep beep!!" and banged my forehead against the steering wheel. damn shame how i get an injury driving a stationary playground fixture.

so since that was a bad idea, we went up in my neighbor's house, who we shared a top porch with. i remember my sister calling a friend of mine and i was on the phone with her saying something about being drunk and engaged (and i had actually put my lil diamond pinky ring onto my left ring finger at some point). but our neighbor friend's mom came home and if she saw me drunk she'd tell my father so we snuck out onto the top porch. with my father in the living room on the other side of the door.

i was shook as hell. but unfortunately no amount of shookness could sober me up. it was about to start getting dark and i'd already been gone all day so of course my father was looking for me. my sister told him she hadn't seen me. but i realized i just better take my ass home. so they snuck me out of the neighbor's house and i went downstairs, opened our door and went up. walked in and went straight to the bathroom. splashed my face with cold water then came out trying to act like i was tired and didnt feel good.

nice try.

my father was like "have a seat over there for a minute."

"aw fuck."

i sat my ass down and stared at the tv like everything was just cool.

dad: where were you?

me: with danielle.

dad: who the hell is danielle?

me: neasha's friend.

dad: ok where? doing what? drinking?

me: *innocent face* whaaat? no! *stares back at tv*

dad: so you haven't been drinking?

me: nope. not a drop.

3...2...1...

*BARF!*

all over the living room floor.

i dont remember feeling anything, but i do remember my hair flying across my face cuz he went upside my head.

me: *sobbing* im so sorry i'll never drink again!

lies.

Shatter

2009-09-28T22:26:00.007-04:00

Over the past couple days I've noticed a few things about myself, things I was too overwhelmed or distracted to notice before. I'm starting to think about my life harder than I ever have. I'm getting tired. I am fed up with the struggle. I am determined to look at every obstacle as a way to be more clever, to be stronger, to be smarter. I look at my babies and I feel like... "i HAVE to make it. i HAVE to." Any time I find myself feeling discouraged, I remind myself of my purpose.

We only get one life- ONE.

Today I did something I rarely do, let my brain be still. Just stop thinking about what needs to be done... and what needs to be done after that... and okay once that's done, then what? I feel like a robot sometimes. I started to think about alot of things... then I just cried. Just let every stress and every frustration roll down my face. I pretty much cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And I needed that. I hate to cry but I think as humans we just need to, atleast once in a while. One thing I like to say is: In order to get ourselves together, sometimes we need to fall apart.

I just make sure that when I pick up the pieces, I leave behind the parts I don't need anymore. Sometimes we need to stop and analyze ourselves. It's good to stop and think, what was I doing two years ago? And what am I doing now? Have I moved backwards or forwards? Is there anything I'm unhappy about right now that I can change?

Make a plan for yourself. What is your dream? What's standing in the way? How can you clear the path? Rarely in life are things going to happen just because we want them to really bad. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

And sometimes we need help, people to give us that encouragement when we're all tapped out. So choose your army wisely. You don't want negative people in your circle. I'm not saying cut off your miserable friends, just keep them outside your circle- love them from a distance. The more positive people you surround yourself with, the more that energy will rub off on you. The more goal-oriented people you associate with, the more you will strive for success. And don't let anyone tell you that you think you're better than anyone either. It's just growing up, we all have to do it eventually, some just get there quicker than others. That's their fault, not yours. And it's your life, not theirs.

Take some time to analyze yourself, figure out what you want, and how you can get there. Life is what you make it, so I suggest you make yourself proud.

Inner Peace

2009-09-24T11:54:00.006-04:00

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."

I need a break. My mind needs a vacation and my body needs rest. I have too much going on right now with work, school, moving, tending to my children, taking care of home, and looking for a new job. Lately the average time I've been getting in bed is 1am... squeeze some lovin in there and the time I actually go to sleep is later than that lol. Then I wake up at 6:30am to start my day. And since I have classes all day Saturday (8:30am-5:50pm) the only day I really get to "rest" is Sunday. Which is also laundry day, woohoo! *sucks teeth n pouts*

On top of all that I blog, I tweet, I read blogs (yeah I be lurkin sometimes lol), I get phone calls and text messages. I get called upon for advice and venting, etc. I even have a friend who will call as I'm putting my kids in bed and ask me "What are you doing?" and I tell her "Putting them in bed..." but she keeps on talking anyway "Oh. Girl let me tell you what happened." NO. How bout I call you back after I tuck my children in? How about I not have a phone up to my face as I hug and kiss them goodnight? Finally I just have to cut her off and be like "yo i'ma call you back."

I try to do too many things, I push myself in too many different directions throughout the day. I let other people's problems become my problems. And lawd knows I have enough of my own as it is. I just can't do it anymore, atleast not right now. I'm going on hiatus. I'm putting my phone on silent from the moment I get home until 30 minutes after my kids are in bed. No more distractions, no more twitter, no more blogging, no more letting people talk my ear off about things that don't even matter when I have shit to do, none of that... not forever- just not rite now. I can't afford distractions at this point in the game.

I currently have an average of 100% in all three of my courses and I intend to make damn sure I keep it that way. All of the distractions I have are distractions that I allow, not anybody else. So it's up to me to reduce them. I just need more "me" time. My biggest goals right now are keeping good grades and finding a better job. In the meantime I'm making myself scarce. I may blog here and there but that's just because I can't help it, writing is one of my outlets and everybody needs that. I also must start taking my ass to bed at a more decent time, I'm gonna wear myself out with this 5 hours of sleep (or less) every night for months in a row nonsense. And I need to eat healthier, I LOVE JUNK FOOD. But I feel like your body is like a car, if you keep driving it without proper maintainence, it's gonna slowly but surely fall apart on you. Except the difference is, a car can be replaced- YOU can't.

I took some time to step back and look at myself and I just feel like there are some things I need to improve in different areas of my life, and also my physical and mental being. So I'm just gonna hang up a "Closed For Remodeling" sign up on my life right now. It may get a little unorganized, it may inconvenience some people... but when it's all said and done everything will be beautiful.

And I will finally have some inner peace.

Paper Thin

2009-09-21T23:25:00.007-04:00

this post is for my single ladies (no beyonce). first, yes thats MC Lyte in that pic and i dont wanna hear nothing about her pants... dont even act like... matter fact that's all i'ma say: DONT EVEN ACT. lmao

second, pay hommage. she was definitely one of the illest female emcees. do me a favor and scroll down, look to the right, and pause the homie nas real quick.

*waiting*

okay, now that we've got it quiet in here, i'd like to share some of the realest shit ever spit for the ladies. i think this song should just be re-released, like right now, for no reason. fuck worrying about gettin a ring put on it.

i'm also posting the lyrics just to help it sink in even more:

When you say you love me, it doesn't matter.
It goes to my head as just chit chatter
You may take this egostistical or just or worry free
But what you say I take none of it seriously
And even if I did I wouldn't tell you so
i'd let you pretend to read me
and then you'll know.
Cause I hate when one attempts to analyze.
That I despize those who even try
to look into my eyes to see what I am thinking.
That dream is over you gotta sink it.
And I tell all of you like I told all of them
what you say to me is just paper thin, word

I'm not the kind of girl to try to play a man out
I take the money and the gear and then break the hell out
No thats not my strategy, not the game I play
I admit I play game but it's not done that way
Truly when I get involved I give it my heart
I mean my mind, my soul, my body I mean every part
But if it doesn't work out, yo it just doesn't
It wasn't meant to be you know, it just wasn't
So I treat all of you like I treat all of them
and what you say to me is still paper thin
In one ear and right out the other
hurt is mumbo jumbo (eeeish) lover
I don't pay attention
I don't concentrate
you ain't got the bait
that it takes to hook this
a-hah, a-hah, a-hah
Sucker you missed, I put feelings aside I know who I am
My name is Lyte is your name Sam?
Cause if it is step off, grab your coat and get lost
Wrap your scarf around your throat and go back and catch a rope
And hit the road Sam, don't you come back
no more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road Sam, don't you come back no more

So now I take precaution when choosing my mate
I do not touch until the third or fourth date
Then maybe we'll kiss on the fifth or sixth
time to be me *mmmuaah*
Cause a date without a kiss is so incomplete
and then maybe I'll let you play with my feet
You could suck the big toe and play with the middle
it's so simple unlike a riddle
It's as easy as counting to 1-2-3
in other terms, letters L-Y-T-E
I'll tell you, you, you and all of you
in the back and in the middle in the front
Yo, that's it paper thin word up

*bows head and raises fist*

this shit used to be my anthem i swear. hence the bolding of certain lyrics lol. alrite yall, just wanted to blow the dust off an oldie but goodie to share with my ladies :)

♥

Oh You Wanna Race Huh?

2009-09-16T23:19:00.009-04:00

okay as i mentioned earlier today, i probably get my road rage from my daddy. this man thinks he is the KING of the road, do you hear me? one christmas there was a blizzard. and i mean some state of emergency do-not-drive-anywhere-for-any-reason type of shit. well he said "fuck that." so im in the backseat, and my stepmother is in the front seat (bless her heart) and we get on the highway so they can drop me off at my bd's sister's house and then they continue on to my stepmom's brother's house which is an hour drive with NO snow. the shit is just coming down, you don't even know if a car is ahead of you or not until suddenly you see hazard lights. this man has the nerve to cuss people out for driving slow.

"why are you driving 20 miles per hour?!" and of course they can't even hear him.

then he passes a snow plow truck and curses THEM out.

"that big ass truck can't go any faster than that?!"

while we were in a nissan altima.

okay there's one example.

now lawd dont let us be on a two lane highway and the person in the left lane is doing the speed limit, or even five miles over it. i swear he would have LOVED to have that sign at his side. he will go the fuck off. lay on the horn, call people all kinds of "motherfuckers" and "retards"... flip the bird as he passes, all of that. oh but wait... let HIM be in the fast lane and someone from the right is matching his speed or going faster. he thinks they want to race. no lie. "oh so you wanna race huh? you think you're faster than me?" and will really proceed to race with them.

be behind someone who turns with no blinker? or brakes and THEN turns on their blinker? that's my daddy rite there in that pic.

let me share a story.

once upon a time, he was behind a city bus as it was merging onto the boulevard and there was a yield sign. well apparently this bus yielded longer than my father felt was necessary and he assumed it was moving ahead as he was looking left to make his way into traffic. well it wasn't- so he hit it. not hard but he hit it. he gets out of the car, goes banging on the bus door, yelling at the bus driver, "what the fuck is wrong with you?! dont you know how to merge?!" etc, etc. so the bus driver grabs a hold of the handle that opens the door to prevent my dad from getting on the bus (cuz he shole was trying to get on that bus) and this pissed him off even more. soooo he decided he will just walk around and grab the winshsield wipers and bang them against the window, and talk his shit. finally he felt like he had said enough and got back in the car and just left.

see im mild compared to him.

but the story that sticks in my head the most is this one here... he was approaching a red light, it turned green. however, the car sitting there wasn't paying attention and just sat there, and in turn my father ran into the back of his car. mannn....

he got out his car and started marching towards the man as he was also getting out of his car. dude started gettin hype at my daddy "ah you hit my car! im gonna call the police and make a report! rah rah rah" soooo... my father snatched that man by his collar and bent him backwards over the hood of his car and told him "you're not calling shit. you sat your slow ass at a green light! you better not EVEN look at my car to get my license plate number. you're gonna get your ass back in the car and go wherever the hell it was you were going. do you understand?" then stared the man down as he got in his car and stood blocking the view of his license plate as the man drove off.

yo. i dont fucks with my daddy. he is no joke. my daddy went to the park in his 1970's basketball shorts with his socks pulled up to his knees, got laughed at... dunked on all them muthafuckas, got his daps and went home. my daddy didnt like the way domino's made his pizza so he drove past there and threw the whole mufuggin pizza at their window, while they were on their way to deliver us a new one. my daddy got pissed that the principal sent me home for what i had on and called him like "you only sent her home because you're a pervert and you didnt wanna get caught looking! she can wear whatever the fuck i buy her." i LOVES my daddy. i went off the subject but gotdammit he's my hero lol.

this would be us in the car together... except we look better. just sayin.

one year for father's day, we got him this lovely invention that my mom found at spencer's. til this day he says it was the best gift ever.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is the big flipper (as you can see). now what you do is pull down on the lil black latch there near the "wrist" and that spring up there causes the middle finger to fly up. he kept this in the car AT ALL TIMES. and when he wasn't able to react quick enough because he had to steer or whatever, he pointed at the car he was pissed at and told one of us to grab the big flipper and flip it at them. one time i flipped off the wrong car, oops. i have NO idea if they still make these or not, we bought that for him in the late 80's/ early 90's... looking at it kinda makes me want one just for old times sake lol.

so you see... i come by my road rage honestly. just about two weeks ago i was driving along minding my business *humming* when this truck just decides to pull out in front of me and i had to slam on my brakes and swerve a lil bit so i didnt end up hitting his ass. i was HEATED. heated i say! he tried to speed off on me but um... nah mudafucka, me real ting dis.

i caught up to his ass at a red light n put my window down. he gon just keep lookin straight ahead like he dont see me. oh but his window was down too so mufucka you atleast gon HEAR me. man i cursed his ass out in two languages (i live in an area with a high hispanic population- just letting you know why the two languages were required lol) i forgot how much spanish i knew but that shit just flew rite out of my mouth. fool gon straight ignore EVERYTHING i said except when i said "estas borracho puta?!" (are you drunk bitch?) gonna keep lookin straight and shake his head no. didnt even say sorry or nothing. smh

but u know what? prior to that it has actually been quite some time since i had a road rage episode so im proud of myself. i did much better than the time this dude cut me off and i wanted to curse him out so bad, but remembered my window didnt work, so i opened my door (while i was switching lanes) and went the fuck off with my head sticking out the door. or the time this man almost side-swiped me on the highway in a convertible and i threw my drink in his car.

but like i said im doing better and that's all that matters :)

how about yall? any road rage stories??

p.s. i posted this simply because i wanted to share some memories n stories of mine so just in case anyone was thinking of preaching about setting examples or my behavior n such- save it. nobody likes a pawty poopa.

Shutcho Mouf!

2009-09-16T10:49:00.006-04:00

man i have a problem with cursing. i just didnt realize how bad until it rubbed off on my youngest child. smh

when he was two he used to call people "doopit ahss!" (stupid ass) because if someone makes me mad while i'm driving thats the first thing i yell "STUPID ASS!!" usually followed by a "muthafucka" and "dumb bitch"... its bad i know. i get this road rage from my daddy i believe, but thats a whole other post in itself.

i got him to stop saying that and he hasn't really slipped since, except for a couple weeks ago my daughter told him to do something "fast" ... well he thought she called him fat and he yelled "hey im not fat damn it!"

*sigh*

but yesterday really let me know i need to do better at watching my mouth. we went to look at a house and when i looked at the bedrooms i said "if we get this house, this would be your room boys." and apparently he liked that idea so much that he felt compelled to leap into the air with both fists raised n shout "yeah muthafuckas!!" then when he landed did the tiger woods fist pump n had the most serious face.

i told him to watch his mouth n popped the shit out his ass. (wow- i already suck at cursing less. smh)

but i really have only myself to blame. i felt a range of emotions when i heard him say that. i was mad cuz he said "muthafuckas" but then i was fighting back a laugh because of the way he went about it, like if i saw that on youtube i'd probably crack up- just being honest. BUT it wasnt on youtube and it wasnt someone else's child. it was MY baby doing that. and it was MY fault. so then i got mad at myself. like "you GOT to do better with your mouth bitch." yeah i know, shut up. i said this in my head lol. thankfully i got a lock box code from the lady so i could let myself in and look around. but if someone was actually showing the house and that happened... i woulda been mortified.

seriously i HAVE to stop. not stop completely, just do it less often and be mindful of what i say when they are in earshot. i forget that just because they arent in the same room as me, doesnt mean they cant still hear me.

from now on, i solemnly swear not to swear... so much... around my kids. if anyone else has this bad habit, please join my cause lol.

whooooo's coming with me? *jerry mcguire voice*

Quick Update

2009-09-15T14:28:00.005-04:00

just a lil update on my post about relieving my bd of his parental duties.

i was going to change my number but then i was reminded that i can simply block his ass from calling me (shouts out to verizon) so i did just that. had all three of his numbers blocked (yeah he could pay 3 phone bills a month but not pay daycare. smh) from calling or texting me. i deleted his numbers out of my phone. i went to daycare and school and had him removed as their parent and listed him as "not allowed to visit or pick up" too. this process was rather simple due to the fact that he is not on any of their birth certificates and they all have my last name, so he has no legal rights to them anyway (we weren't married when they were born and he refuses to get a valid state issued ID). it used to bother me that he wasn't on their birth certificates and he occasionally mentioned that he needs to so they can have his last name but... like they say, everything DOES happen for a reason. i will also be moving within the next couple weeks and he will have no idea where to.

just because they are his blood doesn't mean he deserves them. i got this.

the end.

:)

2009-09-13T14:14:00.004-04:00

okay enough complaining, i feel like that's all i've done this week and i've given too much attention to the wrong person. i usually dont tell my hunny about my baby daddy drama, just because it's awkward and i dont want him to have to worry about that. i mean he's aware that my bd aint shit, thats no secret. shit its obvious due to his lack of involvement in their lives. but during all of this, it was hard to hide my mood over it and so i told him the things that were said and done this week and how upset i was.

and he got upset... at me. at first i didnt understand why he would get upset so i was feeling some kinda way. like "damn i just wanted to vent and have someone cheer me up." but then he explained himself...

"there should be NOTHING that man can say or do to effect your mood. as much as you've been through and overcome to get away from being treated like that, there is no way you should allow him the power of getting to you. do not give him that satisfaction. he gets off on upsetting you and i know you feel cheated, like you got the bad end of the deal because you didn't know things would turn out this way, but they did baby. and even though it sucks, it's made you stronger. and regardless of what he does or doesnt do for his kids, you are more than enough. when i first met you i could tell that you'd been hurt real bad and you didnt deserve that, you didnt. you are so special. you are bigger than him and they will know that. they don't need him, he is the one losing in this situation and you cant make him do anything. if he cared he would just do it baby. you shoulda gave him the finger a long time ago, i just didnt feel like it was my place to say so. yeah he was doing a few things here and there but nothing enough to be a huge help to you. so what if he bought them things once in a while, how many times has he helped them with homework? how many weekends has he kept them? how many times has he played football with his sons or taken his daughter to see a movie? (which by the way, the answer to all of those questions is: never, ever.) you have family, you have friends and you have me. i love you to death and i love them to death. you dont NEED his help. all he does is give you money once in a while, stress you out and try to put you down and hardly even sees them. so for you to let anything he says to get to you or upset you, it pisses me off. fuck him. who is he? you are above that baby you mean so much. not only do you raise your kids but you also provide for them and work AND go to school and thats hard, so NEVER let anything he says upset you. as much as we've built on and accomlished, there should be nothing that NOBODY can say to ever get you like that."

i didn't even know what to say, my heart just melted and a tear rolled down my face as i smiled.

i love that man.

sidenote: the interview i mentioned that he had earlier this week... he got the job! also my first real day of school (on campus) was yesterday and i loved it.

slowly but surely... every little thing is gonna be alrite :)

Adios, Sionara, Peace the Fuck Out

2009-09-11T20:17:00.005-04:00

As stated in my previous post, and many others, my bd aint about SHIT. I'ma keep it real right quick... he DID buy them their school clothes and school supplies this year- for the first time ever. He DID buy them some nice gifts for Christmas last year and he DID buy them some summer clothes and sneakers this year.

BUT...

He only did those things so he can say, "See? I finally did something, now shut the fuck up." No bitch. Those are things I did all by my lonesome for days, weeks, months, and years. That is shit you are SUPPOSED to do as a parent. Did he give ME props for holding shit down on my own? No and I wouldn't give a fuck if he did because I don't do things for my children for props. I do for them because I love them and I want them to have nice things and be well taken care of. If he did that for those same reasons, he would also make an effort to spend time with them. They haven't slept over at his house in over a year. He didn't take them one single day this summer. Matter of fact he's said he was coming to pick them up to do this and do that, then doesn't show up or cancels at the last minute. And I'm the one who sees their tears and look of disappointment on their face. He calls maybe two or three times a month to talk to them. So he feels like as long as he buys them some shit every once in a while, he's doing his part. Negative. I'd rather he spend all the time in the world with them and be on some "I may not have much right now but I'll do my best to help you" shit instead of spending hardly any time with them, buying them shit once in a while and giving ME a hard time about some daycare money all while he constantly flaunts how much money he has. So the fact that he has the money but refuses to do what is fair, indicates to me that he is a selfish bitch and his children come second. Especially when I'm in the opposite position, I may not have alot of money but still do all that I can to make sure they are straight, they are my life.

So after some thought today I decided that the little bit he does do, when HE feels like it, isn't worth the drama. He doesn't deserve their admiration while he puts their needs second or third in his life. He doesn't deserve for them to love him like a father when he acts more like a distant relative. And they don't deserve to be treated like they don't mean the world, because they are EVERYTHING and should be treated as such.

Today I gave him one last chance, and he failed. I texted him about paying for the rest of daycare that HE neglected for so long and he just texts me back "nope."

me: so u leave daycare behind like that n then put more than half of it on ME? if that's the case just pretend u dont have kids then.

him: fuck u.

me: okay. you know what? the kids are good. you are relieved of your parental obligations. have a fantastic life.

no response.

*hands washed*

And I could really give a fuck less. I'll manage to catch daycare up somehow, I did it without him for longer than I did it with his half-ass help so they will be just fine. I will just let them decide how they feel about him when they get older and if they care to keep in touch with him or not.

But for now... ya dead bitch the reaper done came.

Pardon Me...

2009-09-09T23:21:00.005-04:00

as i go off on a tangent. a rant is coming but i'd like to be a crazy bitch with a method to my madness so i shall first explain a few things before i go the fuck off. just know that the "going the fuck off" is indeed coming.

im about to share some personal business which i usually dont do... but then i figured isnt that what MY blog is for? to say what I want? but of course. and whoever feels compelled to judge can lick my ass.

first, my job recently cut my salary 10% which caused me to make even less money than when i first started two years ago. second, the only reason i have this job is because my bd (baby daddy. or bitchass dummy, pick one) made me lose my last job. the only job i ever had that i actually enjoyed, the job i made the most money at, the job i could finally call my career. before i started that job i was receiving daycare assistance from the state, once i started that job and had to submit paystubs for a review- they told me i made "too much money" and just cut the shit off, rather than simply reducing the amount of assistance they gave me. at the time my sons were in daycare all day and my daughter was in kindergarten. so i became responsible for paying two full-time daycare tuitions and one before/after school care... which came up to $330 a week. which came up to... $1320 a month, more than my damn rent okay?

dear government, what kinda math told you i could afford that shit by myself??

anyway... so since that was impossible to swing, i asked my bd to just watch the boys during the day- since his ass wasn't working nor contributing to SHIT financially, and said that i would pay the before/after school care for baby girl. he agreed. but only kept them two days. the night of the second day, he calls and tells me he needs to take care of some business and couldn't take the boys the next day (by the way, his "business" was picking up a bitch from the airport and taking her to get a rental car). so i told him do NOT play with me and said *gasp* his government name.

him: you don't call me that, you call me (lame ass nickname)

me: what? please. you were (first middle last name) when i met your ass and you will be (first middle last name) when you die. the fuck i look like callin you (lame ass nickname)? you ain't nobody.

him: well "nobody" is gonna be here in the morning if you try to drop them off then, how bout that? then you gon lose your job n have to move back to NY haha bitch.

*click*

um yeah. so he ignored my calls after that and the next morning i woke up stressed out. my man asked me what i was gonna do and i said "i dont even know? i guess ima call out, i dont have any money for daycare." so he tells me "well... i'd rather miss work than for you to miss work so i'll call out and stay with them so you can go in." i damn near cried lol. at this time, he'd never watched them before so that was like a big deal to me, probably the moment i decided "okay thats it. i love this muthafucka." lol

so he watched them for me that day but i couldnt expect him to keep that up of course. i told daycare the situation and asked if they'd let me just pay them that friday, they agreed. so the rest of the week i was good. i took them to daycare the next week as well... then that $330 started kickin my ass. i found a lady around the corner who did in-home childcare and charged $100 less... but still. eventually it got to the point where one day i got paid and i had to choose between paying rent or paying for childcare. i chose to pay the rent. but then i couldnt go to work. i called out 3 days in a row, they were aware of the situation and were as understanding as they could be. but by the 4th day i had to call out... i already knew. i heard it in my boss' voice "im so sorry... " i said "i already know what you're going to say and i understand. you can't keep someone employed when neither of us has a clue as to when i'll be able to show up again." she apologized again and we hung up. and i cried and cried. (by the way this job was so BOMB that the day i went to get my stuff from my desk, they handed me an envelope that said "from your esurance family" and i opened it up and there was $200 in there, they took up a collection around the office for me. made me cry in front of everybody n shit lol. and on mother's day, one of my old bosses and his wife came to my house with flowers and a $100 gift card to the grocery store that they collected from their church. oh AND while i was working there, my van broke down and THEY paid over $300 for it to be fixed, that i didnt even have to pay back. i miss that job so much *tear*)

so the government who cut my daycare assistance was now forced to give me food stamps, medicaid, AND pay for my daycare once again while i searched for another job. imagine how much money they coulda saved if they would have just reduced their assistance to me when i started making "too much money" smh. so after two months of no work, almost getting evicted twice, lights getting shut off and NO help AT ALL from the bd, i finally got a job offer. so i took it. now mind you i had to stay under a certain amount or i'd get no daycare assistance and be in the same situation all over again. so this is how i ended up at the job i'm at now. fortunately this year, all three of my kids only need before/after school care and as long as i can get a job making what i'm SUPPOSED to be making (like i was before) then i wont NEED the damn government to help me pay for daycare anymore. so this is the mission i'm on now... getting a job that pays me my worth. in the meantime this 10% paycut has me struggling.

oh there's a man in my house you may be thinking. yes indeed but sadly, after i got him a job with me after his previous job closed down, he was laid off along with a few others before these paycuts were made. i never mentioned it before because i really dont feel its anyone's business but such is life, shit happens and there's nothing to be ashamed of. (he has an interview tomorrow by the way so cross your fingers for us lol)

NOW... the reason for my rant...

in the meantime in between time the bd falls off the radar for 8 months, no phone calls, no # to reach him- nothing. during this time he started doing well for himself, called me and claimed he wanted to get back into his kids lives again.

*fast forward*

okay so earlier this year, he offered to pay for daycare himself. so of course i was like well be my guest, its about damn time. now even though this bitch can pay cash for a jag, get drunk n crash it into a tree, then pay cash for another one (all within 4 months)... he can neglect daycare completely for 3 months. priorities all fucked up. so today i let him know how much it was ($300... really shoulda been more but the director was lookin out a lil bit) and this fool offers me $50.... $50 bitch?? then says he'll pay $150 and i need to pay the other $150... um hello who let it get this far behind asshole?? not i. and who volunteered to be responsible for paying daycare? so then he says okay $100 and im like wow. if i had it myself, i woulda just told him to wipe his ass with it. but i went to go get it on my lunch break. he says "i'll give you $150 this week and $150 next week." he takes out $200 and gives me $140 (after he JUST said $150) and puts the rest of his money in his pocket n mumbles "this is some bullshit." mannn... i was like "no it's money for daycare for the children you helped create, it's LIFE, not bullshit." n just left.

so i give daycare the money when i picked them up and she tells me that the state is doing their audit and if they see that the other $160 isn't paid, they will cut me off. so i call him and tell him that and he tells me that i need to pay that. im like how? from where? what the fuck do you mean? i mention that i will once in a while have to pay this lady to watch the kids for me on a saturday or two out of the month so that i can go to school and im beyond tapped out. he says "oh yeah. good go head n get you a lil degree that aint even gonna mean shit." yo if i could spit venom.... and also shit like this "why you strugglin? dont you have a man in your house? tell him to step his game up. why dont u have a better job yet? you been broke for how long?"

when i wouldnt EVEN be in this situation if HE woulda stepped HIS game up and watched his sons and/or helped me pay for daycare in the first place!! i'd literally be making twice what i make now. and they are HIS kids! not my man's kids. but my man can pay for my daughter's birthday party and walk them to the bus stop and help them with homework n all that. so WHO needs to step their game up? pardon me if my man doesnt resort to illegal tactics, like running an "escort agency," for income. sorry he prefers to make an honest living and is doing the best he can to make that happen. but a man who would be homeless if hoes became extinct is gonna call my man a loser? i'll be damned. had to tell him some thangs.

"how the fuck you gonna call somebody a loser when i left your ass you had to go to a homeless shelter! but i guess you should be grateful for that experience because it helped you quit sucking your grown ass thumb (dead ass). you forgot i KNOW yo ass? i've SEEN you diggin thru couch cushions for change just to get a six pack of icehouse bitch. and please do tell me how someone is a loser when the ONLY way you've ever made it in life is off a bitch? that's all you have to lean on. that jag you drive? pussy got you that. not your intelligence. so who the fuck is a loser bitch?"

oh and THEN text me talkin about "half. holla. no free ride for you." like i'm not paying daycare because i just dont feel like it, like HIS ASS did for over two years. muthafucka i CANT pay half, plain and simple. like wow was it a "free ride" for you when you didnt give me a DIME for two years? nah muthafucka i paid your "half" because you couldn't/wouldn't so how dare you even...

i can NOT wait until i get a new job making what i'm actually capable of making so i can pay all of daycare myself. he will be obsolete. i tried to tolerate him for the kids but it just isn't possible. if he hasn't changed by now i doubt he ever will. i cant take it anymore. its not like he spends any time with them so what will they be missing? shit. i will be changing my number and he will NOT know where i'm moving. oh yes in the midst of all this, the townhouse i'm renting is now in foreclosure thanks to my cheap bastard landlord and now i have to find a place to move to. in the meantime i am just going to breathe, throw up bat signals to karma once in a while and patiently wait for her to land on his doorstep. as much as i'd like to beat her to it and just swipe a hanzo sword across his muthafuckin fo'head... but i'll just *woooossssaaaaahhhh*

i feel better now that i've vented.

now i know im supposed to be quitting my herbal essence but tonite, we just need to kick it. and whoever has anything to say about that... by time you read this it will be too late anyway :-P

♥ bella

The Streets Is Watchin

2009-09-07T17:07:00.003-04:00

Okay as some of you may know I have another blog which is strictly sexual in nature (stories, tips, tricks, advice, etc...) and I had to set it to "invite only" because it was brought to my attention that when my government name is googled, that blog popped up as the 5th result.

I edited the post that was listed as the result (remove my name and email address), googled myself- it still showed up. So I then removed the post altogether, googled myself again- it still showed up. THEN I went into my setting and selected "no" for the option to allow search engines to pull your blog info... googled myself- and it STILL shows up!

And being that I'm in the midst of a search for a better job, I don't want any prospective future employers to decide to google my ass and see that. So for those of you who follow that blog as well as this one, and would like to continue to do so, please email me at thebellashow@gmail.com and I'll send you an invite :)

P.S. the person who stumbled across that blog was my momma. LMAO! which i find more funny than embarrassing because my sister told me that she clicked off it with the quickness. wonder why.... hehe.

School Update

2009-09-06T14:13:00.004-04:00

Sooo... it's official! I'm a student :)

I don't have to pay for shit right now, not even my books, yeaaah baby!

I received a grant (which means I don't have to pay that back, yessss) and I'm also eligible for a scholarship somehow. So thankfully that decreased the amount of my student loans by a pretty decent amount and I'm feelin good, feelin great!

I start Tuesday... which is just the day after tomorrow. WOOOOT!

Thank you all for your encouraging words through all of this, yall are the best!

XOXO

2009-09-02T19:46:00.004-04:00

The counselor I've been speaking to about school called me and said that the Criminal Justice course I want to take is in fact... available online.

*cabbage patches in a circle*

I'll have to go to campus and take a few Saturday classes for what can't be covered online, but I can swing that. I go up there tomorrow to apply for financial aid.

YESSSS!!

*waves goodbye to marijuana* it's been real homie. *daps chest n sheds a tear*

Time to go make me a drank!

Things That Make You Go Hmmm....

2009-08-27T23:04:00.011-04:00

okay fair warning, this blog is going to take up some time so if you don't have like 30 minutes to spare you may want to come back later (due to the videos- aint NO way in hell im typing 30 minutes worth of shit lol). other than that, get comfy :) seriously, do yourself a favor and watch each video in its entirety. the shit gets rather deep.

my man showed me some shit that just got me like "whoa." i really dont even know how to approach an intro to the clips im about to share with you because it's so complex but the jist of it is: the corruption in hip hop and the entertainment industry. let me just say first that i dont agree with EVERY word spoken or implied... but if this shit dont make you wonder some things... mannn listen. if you're already familiar with professor griff (public enemy) and "the industry" then you've probably already seen this. there are 50 parts but i honestly havent been thru each one, so im just gonna show a couple. heeeeerrre we go *slick rick voice*

(please pause nas first if you havent already lol)

The Industry Part 33

The Industry Part 34

The Industry Part 35

i also did some quick reference work for ya:

Operation Paperclip

Illuminati

Masons

(to see all parts of "the industry" just go to youtube and search "the industry 1" and so on and so forth. sorry but im not linking ALL of that shit lol)

real quick let me just say, that shit Amil spit on the last video? yo. she MEANT that shit. it really makes me wonder whatever happened to her. she was ON one minute, then working at k-mart the next. she never confirmed it but i read an article in The Source yeeeears ago and when she was asked about the rumors of her working at k-mart she was like "i gotta do what i gotta do for my kids." so um yeah, explain that. and thats a track that im sure hardly ANYBODY has ever heard... wonder why.

things that make you go hmmm....

sooo... what are your thoughts on all of this?

hulk smash

2009-08-25T23:42:00.008-04:00

soooo... i went up to the school yesterday to figure out what exactly i want to do with myself. i decided on criminal justice. no, not to enforce the law. to investigate it. i feel like i could benefit from this in many ways. first of all, knowing the law inside and out and how the court system works is important for us all. too many people get jerked just because they weren't aware of their rights. i'd like to know mine- all of them. i'm also GREAT at investigating and researching, things i've picked up in my years as an insurance claims adjuster, gathering evidence, taking statements, analyzing accident scenes, photos & police reports, etc. im also a crackhead for CSI, Law & Order, Forensic Files- all that shit. i can watch marathons all day long. i love to challenge my brain and piece puzzles together.

the counselor suggested i become a police officer *blank stare* ummm... okay no way in hell could i do that. like putting cuffs on people and writing them tickets just is NOT for me.

lets say i get called to a domestic disturbance for instance...

man: she shot me in my arm!!

woman: i came home and he had another woman in our bed naked!

me: *shrugs at man* thats what yo stupid ass get. have a good evening ma'am. *hat tip*

or i'd fuck around and pull somebody over, smell some weed smoke and be like "is that marijuana i smell? gimme that sir." then take all their weed, send them about their business and roll a dutch in my patrol car in front of dunkin donuts.

so you see, Officer Bella would just be an all around bad idea.

ahhh but Crime Scene Investigator Bella would be ON IT. do you hear me?

but guess what? this course isn't available online (for obvious reasons) and the hours i would have to be on campus conflict with my work hours and my motherly obligations. and my kids father is nowhere near reliable enough to depend on to hold them down the way they'd need to be (insert the sincerest "if i knew then what i know now..."). and no way in hell am i gonna ask my man to make that type of commitment to watch kids that arent even his... 3 nights a week for two years. i love him dearly but we're not married and thats just too much i feel. and i cant afford an actual babysitter at this point in time honestly so... looks like i've hit a brick wall.

BUT...

somehow, some way this is what i'm gonna do to it.

diggin in the crates

2009-08-24T19:45:00.004-04:00

sooo... it's been a while since i've written any poetry and i kinda miss it. i think i've only posted some of my shit on here like twice? well i felt the urge to dig into my many notebooks and share a few things i've written over the years. thanks to my sister for posting some of hers lol.

might as well just get right to it.

(no title)

sometimes it takes all i have
to get up and face the day
sometimes i give all i got
to make it seem like im okay
because inside me is a war
but im gonna fight it
get my mind right
conquer and divide it
im going to live life
not let it get the best of me
a focused mind and strong heart
are the secrets to my recipe
life is short
but the days are long
as my heart beats
to the struggle's song
i will stay on my feet
and keep marching on

"worth it"

there's some things i want to say
and some things i want to do
but i conceal these thoughts
in my mind away from you

im not ready for you to know
not prepared for you to see
i cant let it show
the effect you have on me

its ironic how i feel
because it feels so strong
and it feels so real
but it feels so wrong

its probably too soon
my body is relaxed
but my mind is consumed
i try to push back
this lust i feel for you

you have no idea
the things i want to do
right now, right here
you have no clue...

i just want to kiss you
and caress your face
and i just wish you
would hold onto my waist
and slowly rub my back
but if you did as i wish
i wont know how to act
i'll want more than a kiss
more than your hands
more than your lips
to explore the land
just below my hips
right above my thighs
i would break down
and let you come inside
i'd wrap my legs around you
and hold you close to me
you'd feel my love surround you
the way its supposed to be
i'd look you in the eyes
and tell you that its yours...

but it just isnt time
so my mind locked the doors
keeping those thoughts away
hidden for now
what i feel i cant say
but in time i'll show you how
we can go from friends
to becoming lovers
you'll see in the end
my love is like no other.

"beautiful confusion"

i never thought it would be
what it is right now
this thing between you and me
i just dont know how
but day by day
you changed in my eyes
and i must say
you changed me inside
my heart was solid
and my mind was strong
no visitors were wanted
but then you came along
and what you did i dont know
but now im holding you
and i dont want to let go
your head is on my chest
and your arms around me
feeling your caress
and your hand in mine
in the silence
feels so divine
as we drift off to sleep
i feel so at ease
i feel such peace
we are still
and my eyes close
the way i feel
only god knows

okay one last one... its old as hell but i'd like to post this for my sister ♥

you fed me so many lies
over the years
how many times i cried
i cant even count the tears
outside i would smile
and stand tall
but on the inside
i felt so weak and small
all the insults you threw to me
convinced me little by little
to actually believe your scrutiny
and go from solid to brittle
you broke me down
you tore me apart
you smashed my crown
and shattered my heart
until i couldnt take it any longer
but all you did
was just make me stronger
so say goodbye wife and goodbye kids
you have only yourself to blame
for all of this
to me its no loss, only a gain
no longer will i be
called out my name
or made the fool
im free of my pain
because i'm rid of you.

THE END

oh wait hold up © 2009 (i dont play about my shit lol)

Ladies & Gentlemen...

2009-08-24T19:27:00.005-04:00

my sister has joined the blogosphere :) i know i refer to alot of my friends as my sisters but this is my blood, my kin, my heart- my little sister (yeah she's 26 and im 28 but she will always be my baby sister. hehe)

she needs space to let her mind roam freely so i suggested she do it here. and what do you know this lil heffa done posted 4 entries in one night already lol.

click --------> HERE <--------- and show Miss Catalina some love please :)

p.s. she is like the sweeter version of me. or not, shit who knows what's bound to come out of her mouth lol.

LOVE YOU SIS!!

All That I Got Is Youuu...

2009-08-23T16:41:00.003-04:00

this is my shit.

that is all.

Being a Good Woman

2009-08-16T19:00:00.004-04:00

Okay so pardon me but... I think I'm a pretty damn good specimen of the female species if I may say so myself, and I don't mean as far as appearances go. I mean as far as my mentality and my approach on life, along with my motherly skills.

I want to share some things I've learned over the years because I took on the role of a woman at an early age so I feel I'm qualified enough to speak on it.

Personal Background
As soon as I turned the legal age to work, I've been working non-stop. I've felt "grown" ever since. When I was 16, my stepmother committed suicide and I took on the role as the lady of the house. My brother and sister lived with my mother at the time (I didn't get along with her ignorant ass husband so I started living with my father when I was 15). I made my Dad his coffee in the morning, ironed his shirts, cleaned, cooked dinner, etc. At the same time I was working and going to school. I moved out of the nest on my own free will when I was 17, hadn't even graduated high school yet. I wasn't having any problems at home, nothing like that, I just wanted to be independent. I got into a roommate situation with a co-worker who was a tad bit older than me. We got along real well and she "took me under her wing" I guess you could say. I didn't have any rules and still managed to conduct myself very well. I had to contribute towards rent and bills just like any other roommate would have to. And even though we had lil parties, smoked weed and drank here and there, I never took any of that too far, I never got ridiculous with it, I always stayed focused.

When I was 18, I had 3 jobs. Not for any reason other than I wanted the most money I could possibly have. I loved to shop. But since I was working so much (mon-fri 12pm-4pm at my 1st job, then 5pm-10pm at my 2nd job and my 3rd job was on the weekends) I didn't really have the time to spend the money. But it just felt good to say "I got 3 jobs and I don't need nobody for shit." lol. Not "girl i'ma make this fool buy me some shoes." or "i bet this mufucka pay my phone bill." Fuck that shit.

I had a friend (when we were teenagers) who would cry broke to a man so he would give her money and then she would go buy some *wait for it* bamboo earrings :-/ And I would be like "What the fuck? Bitch don't you need food? And aren't you capable of working?" Why cry broke (literally- she pulled out tears for the man) if you're not even gonna be responsible with the help you get? That was just grimey to me. If a man tried to give me something that I know I don't deserve, I don't want it. If you were in need and I wouldn't feel the urge to look out for you, then I don't even feel comfortable accepting your help. If we are not close, if I'm not feelin you- I don't want a damn thing from you homie. It's just my natural way of thinking and it's gotten me very far I must say. If the only person you depend on is yourself, you can never be disappointed.

Here are some unwritten rules I have engraved in my head for myself:

1. Never depend on a man. I mean if you're in a solid relationship and he wants to help you and you would do the same for him, cool. I think that's called teamwork. But to depend on a man to pay your bills or car note or buy you food is just stupid to me. Eventually he's gonna realize that's all he's of use to you for and bounce. And then what? You gotta scramble to find another fool before the next light bill shows up in the mailbox? Pssshhh... THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. Get some business about yourself and handle your shit like a grown ass woman. I despise opportunistic bums.

2. Trust yourself. If you ask a friend for advice, take it in as such. Don't confuse advice for instructions. What works for them may not be what works for you. They won't have to live with the aftermath of your choice- but you will. Everyone's situation is not the same so they may be speaking on your situation from a different angle, their own. But the only person who has to live your life is YOU. So when making decisions, don't worry about what other people may think or say because it's your life, not theirs. The only exception to this I would say is if you have numerous people telling you the same thing, it's probably not a coinsidence and something you need to seriously evaluate. But in the end of course it is still your decision and only time will tell if you chose wisely.

3. Fail is the F-word to me. I want nothing to do with it. If I set out to do something and commit to doing it, there is no turning back or giving up. I moved out of my hometown in NY in October 2000 when I was 19 years old. And as many times as I've fallen, so to speak, I got my ass back up and kept it movin. I was asked to move back home several times, and I refused. "Oh, just come back here until you can get on your feet and then move back to Atlanta." Kiss my ass. I'll be damned if I ever get even remotely comfortable back home so I can get sucked back in that bitch. HELL NO. My friend even admitted to me last year that when I left, she said to a couple of our mutual friends "She'll be back." and they all were like "Oh yeah we know she will." HA! Negative. I left for a reason, for good. Literally and figuratively. I have children and I will never let them see me fail at shit. I will fight til my knuckles are bloody for their stability and security.

4. Keep a positive attitude. No matter how bad something seems, I guarantee it could be worse. Car accident ahead? Now you stuck in traffic right? Gonna be late for work now? You mad huh? Well maybe somebody in a car ahead of you just lost their life and will never work or see their family again. Be happy you were in that place and time so you weren't a part of the accident. Besides, being mad doesn't make anything move quicker. People need to learn not to stress things out of their control. Worrying is just that: worrying. All you're gonna do is upset yourself. If you think negatively, you will attract negative energy and results. If you remain positive and keep your cool, I promise you will make it through a situation much easier.

I really have more "rules" for myself I'd like to share but this is already long so I'll just do a part two in the near future. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

*smooches*

P.S. I decided today that I want to go to school (yay!) so I'm in the middle of figuring out how I can do that now while juggling everything else in my life so if my investigation leads me to a road in my favor, I will have to make myself scarce on these innanets. I shall keep yall posted on that :)

It's A Celebration Bitches!

2009-08-13T08:21:00.025-04:00

alritey. update time. (as you can see i chopped half my hair off lol) and my birthday was august 1st but due to my babysitter situation, i wasn't able to celebrate until the following saturday. we went to Opera, which is my favorite place to go out. my man took me there last year for my birthday and i've loved it ever since. you almost feel like you are somewhere else. it's SO diverse. you will see asian, middle eastern, russian, hispanic, black, white, italian people, etc... just all having a good time together, i love it.

here's a shot of the club while it's empty.

so we had a bit of a problem at the door due to a misunderstanding. we had email passes to get in free before 11pm (call me cheap but they charge $20 to get in and as Epitome would say "it's a recession." lol so if i can save me some money, gotdamit ima save me some money- so i can get more drunk. hehe) anyway we got there on time, one of the guys asks me what i have, looks at my passes and tells us to stand off to the side and wait to be checked in. so we do as we're told and slide off to the side. to make a long story short, the fool thought i was "special" as he put it, and assumed i was part of a VIP event or some shit. so he made us miss the cut off time, standing off to the side forever for no reason and the best they could do was give me free VIP and a complimentary drink, let us cut the line and charge my friends half price to get in. okay why give me VIP and not them? like ima really go up there without my friends. and it was YO fault we missed the cut off time so why cant they get in free too? hello? smh but whatever. we had a wonderful time regardless.

first i must make a disclaimer regarding my outfit. *clears throat* yes you can see thru my dress, but no those are not my panties. they are shorts and i wore them as such. even have thongs on under them just so i can be telling the truth when i say "no, you can't see my panties thru this dress." lol the flash just enhanced the sheerness so *shrugs* alrite let's move along...

this rite here is my ace (and her man) she is the one who captured all these moments :)

this is my neptune. she is gettin it. and you can't tell her shit. i loves her.

we took over the stage for the remainder of the evening. including that gogo dancer's post behind us.

me and my one and only. "fuck off." (oh and to the left of my elbow is my "little sister" from another mister.)

my kiki fiyah. i LOVE this pic. she was having the time of her life up there.

i have a bird flipping reflex.

i wanna rock with youuuu. all niiiiiight.
♥

the club's dancer. we took her shit over in 3...2...1

when reggae plays, we must dance. tis the law.

yesssirrr.

gettin it.

i was clearly in a zone.

birfday booty.

i dont know why he was there. all i know is i HAD to put my booty on the panda before the night was over. mission accomplished.

squeezing the charmin.

this is all that was caught on camera. other fuckery includes:

a nigerian man trying to wife neptune in the club and steal her away to miami so she can be his consultant (?) and let him "take care of her." FOH. ah and some other dude kissed her on the mouth without warning.

we befriended a stranger named Tom (thanks to ki lol), who we called Todd all night.

someone kept calling me lady gaga :-/

we stayed til the lights came on and they had to remind us it was time to leave. twice i think.

drunk dude came up to me after the club and said (loud as hell) "YOU! are the reason i LOVE goth music!!" um really? and exactly who the fluck do you think i am sir? i was just like "okay." and crossed the street.

miss neptune's car got locked in the parking garage she paid to park in.

my man was too drunk and left early, went home, cooked a steak and passed out.

there was drunk dialing and talks of "period sex" but people will remain nameless in order to protect the not so innocent.

ki and i made it safely to my house, and ate my man's steak (hehe) she went off to my son's bed to sleep with spiderman (the blanket lol)

and i woke up the next morning to my man giving me a blank stare. cuz i was butt ass naked with my gloves on.

THE END.

she get it from her mama... maybe?

2009-08-06T09:23:00.003-04:00

this morning my man says "babe come here for a minute, i wanna show you something."

so i go into the computer room and he's like "for some reason, i think this was you when you were little." and starts laughing then plays this video for me... from thisis50.com of all places lol

okay now on one hand im like "damn she gettin it aint she?" but there's a lil part of me saying "why and how she learn to whine her hips up like that?" lol i dont know... to me it looks more like she's having fun instead of tryina be sexy. overall im just baffled that a lil blonde chick is doing all of this lol. it appears from the youtube page that this is possibly in spain, i think the language describing the video looks like portuguese- but im no expert *shrugs*

but i say go head lil jessica (just because she's not my child and i know a couple grown-ups who could take a step or two from her lol)

what say you?

Who Are You?

2009-08-04T10:33:00.007-04:00

so i've been talkin to myself alot lately, in my head. kinda cursing myself out actually.

i feel like i've gone off track. i feel like im running in place. been working a job i cant stand for two years, living check to check. even tho its due to extenuating circumstances, which i will get into at another time (long story), but i dont feel like im accomplishing anything. i dont feel like im on the right path. i feel like i need to do more, i WANT to do more. i want more for my children. i want them to have and experience things i never did. i moved out of my hometown for a reason and i need to remind myself of that more often.

before i got in the shower last nite i looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "who are you? and what are you doing?"
honestly, i didnt really come up with much.

yeah i work, my bills are paid- maybe not on time- but atleast paid in full, my kids are fed well and all of that. but i coulda done all this back home. so what exactly am i doing? why move to a city with all these opportunities and not take advantage of it? why do the SAME thing over and over every day? i dont HAVE to. and im not going to. not anymore.

from now on, im going to use my time more productively. i can sit here and complain about shit all i want but if im not taking any initiative towards changing things, then all im doing is just talkin. and thats not me. i think i've gotten so used to my robotic daily routine that i lost sight of my potential. that i just said "okay so this is my life then." when it really isnt. im not built for nor meant to live check to check. i know we're in a recession but that doesnt mean i cant do my best to swim upstream against it. fuck what all is going on out here, nothing is hopeless and i refuse to be tricked into thinking so.

i CAN do something and i WILL do something. plain and simple. i refuse to let the story of my life be that i worked a 9-5 and retired on a 401K and collected social security- if there's even any left for us when that time comes. i want more from life than that.

i have been standing in my own way by making excuses as to why i can't do something, instead of looking for ways around my obstacles. hope alone won't get me anywhere.

im on a mission now.

Fuck The Radio: 90's Edition

2009-07-30T20:13:00.006-04:00

if you don't already know the routine... scroll down a bit and pause the player to the right.

then play this one below and bob your head down memory lane with me.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Hoe.

2009-07-27T12:30:00.005-04:00

so my man called me a hoe yesterday.

NO not like yall think lol. we were being silly and it kinda slipped out and although most women may have been like "hoe?!" i just immediately burst into laughter.

we had just finished a blunt so i was spraying air freshener and he says, "what are you spraying?"

me: air freshener. duh.

him: light a incense hoe.

his face was priceless! like "oooops!" before he could even get his apology out i was dying laughing like "you just called me a hoe!"

then he started laughing too like "im so sorry, it just slipped out, i didnt mean it like that babe i swear..."

so i waved my hand like "boy stop. i know you were just bein playful, im not mad i promise. you see me laughin rite?"

i just got him back later.

*put my hand down his pants*

"woman, are you molesting me?"

"bitch i might be."

ha!

Fuck The Radio

2009-07-24T01:37:00.005-04:00

okay it's friday.

pause my playlist to the right.

play this one below.

fuck your boss.

and fuck the radio.

and that's really all i have to say.

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

(disclaimer: pardon the green lantern intro on schooly D lol thats all stupid mixpod had. but i really wanted it on here so hmph.)

Get Ya Mind Rite

2009-07-19T16:31:00.004-04:00

Is it just me or does anyone else feel bothered when a chick breaks up or goes through a bad experience with a man and they say "men ain't shit." or "fuck men" or some other mess? Some bitches don't even realize they may actually be to blame for their sudden singleness. And I'm not talking about all women or about every break-up, I'm just sayin. Like if you keep finding yourself in the SAME ol' situation with men, maybe it's not them. MAYBE it's YOU.

For example I took a poll on twitter and posed the question, "Fellas, let's say you're feelin a chick... then she does something to turn you off. Something that makes you change your mind about taking things further, what would some of those things be?"

I'm going to post the responses and then add my own commentary. Okay here we go:

- "Koolaid colour hair/ potty azz mowf / working a job rather than a career / trout mouth bunch of girls"

(basically be a lady. and listen, if you're gonna knock a man for his profession, please make sure you have yours in order first.)

- "you know what I hate is when they get mad cuz we not spending enough "time" like I'm busy Im not even wit other gurls, just busy. this new level of selfishness I'm so unfamilar with it, like if I like u we gone chill relax! Why we gotta be together EVERY minute?"

(YES! ladies, FALL BACK. don't smother a man. if you're curious or concerned with his every movement- you have issues.)

- "oh yeah I dislike a woman who is involved but dresses like she is single. you can be sexy without having your tits and thong showing all the time, are they that desperate for attention??"

(I'm inclined to slightly disagree with this one because I don't condone a man regulating his woman's attire. BUT at the same time I do feel you can achieve a sexy look without lookin like you're about to be next on the pole.)

- "What up Bella, Some women tend to treat all men the same, and I cant stand that ish. If the last two men you dated were clowns and treated you bad, don't automatically think I will do the same."

(this is THE BIGGEST mistake I think females make. this must be stopped. you are standing in your own way when you convince yourself that all men are the same. I'm not sayin trust a man openly from jump, not at all. but ATLEAST give them the benefit of the doubt. there is a difference between "proceeding with caution" and "expecting disaster." always proceed with caution until someone's actions make you comfortable enough to let your guard down little by little. but do NOT think everything with a penis is out to ruin your life. let's say you're reading a book and halfway through you're like "ok, this story is going nowhere." but yo ass keeps on reading anyway then get mad n suck your teeth at the end when you wind up disappointed. YO FAULT! shoulda put that shit down when you noticed it was wack. but that's not gonna stop you from reading another book is it? no. you just need to choose a different author or title- SOMETHING. don't blame all the books in the world, that would be just silly now wouldn't it?)

- a female with no confidence

(if you don't believe in yourself, how is anyone else supposed to take you serious?)

- "too demanding, too needy, lazy, one who likes to plan too much and doesnt go with the flow of things."

(1. a man owes you nothing simply because he is a man and you are a woman. you either deserve to be treated a certain way, or you don't. but that's up to him and it depends on how you carry yourself. 2. needy= nagging and nagging= "fuck this shit, im out." 3. nobody likes a lazy bitch. period. 4. take shit one day at a time. ESPECIALLY if it's the beginning. don't try to be up under his ass all the time. and don't talk about serious shit too soon. you will scare that muthafucka OFF.)

- "for me the most annoying thing is a girl who is overly clingy or needy, yet untrusting. like they want u to call 3x a day but if that doesnt go down then they assume the worst and dude is always working to prove something."

(there goes that needy shit again, see? it really is annoying. but if a man does it to you, he's all kindsa bugaboos and punks tho. riiiight? smh. and also the treating a man like a suspect shit is for the birds. unless that man has actually given you a VALID reason to be suspicious, calm the fuck down.)

- "I dunno that's a difficult one cuz u want attitude but then u don't want no stank attitude and u don't want super friendly."

(exactly. lol you have to have a healthy medium in your behavior. you can't be actin funky ALL the time but you also can't be all chipper ALL the time either. one thing that really pisses me off is when a female is rude to a man who approaches her respectfully. if you're not interested then politely decline. no need to screw your face up at a man just because he asks you how you're doing or compliments your smile. now if they get disrespectful, go head n be stank. shit i do. or if they don't go on about their way after you politely decline, then do what ya gotta do. this was kinda off topic but i felt the need to bring it up because sometimes you lil stankin bitches are throwin shade at a decent man for no reason. it takes some men alot to gather the nerve to approach you, be a lady about it.)

- "chicks who dont read, or chicks who ONLY read fashion magazines and Zane novels."

(knowledge is power.)

- "perpetually negative chicks..never have anything positive to say about anything."

(ugh. i don't even like to have FRIENDS like this. let alone be in a relationship with someone negative. you can be in a good mood and here they come to smash it to pieces with their complaining and depressing bullshit. negative energy is NOT attractive.)

- "chronic bad breath. I dont give a fuck how hot you are... it's unacceptable."

(nuff said. all the shit out these days... listerine, colgate, tongue scrapers, etc. there really is no excuse for it.)

- "Ugly feet... an absolute deal breaker."

(this may sound finicky, but a woman's feet really do tell alot about how she takes care of herself. you can't help the shape or size of the feet you were born with. but you CAN keep them shits lotioned up, nails clipped and toes painted. very simple.)

- "wear a sleep scarf outside, or some dirty ass bandana u use to wrap your hair outside...unless you're a pirate... NEGATIVE."

(this is just a part of caring about your appearance. SOMETIMES tho if you have to make a quick run to the corner store, i say do you. shit it just be like that sometimes. but like to the mall or general public place, nuh uh.)

- "mistreat your kids...GONE."

(there's really nothing left to say further. because i'll go on all day about how you ain't shit if you are flyer than your children or if you think hot dogs and doritos qualifies as a hot meal... okay i'm shutting up now *lips zipped*)

- "in a big ass rush to meet my (child)... uh-uh."

(um yeah. as a mother, i feel this. dealing with children is a delicate thing. you don't want to confuse them or get them too comfortable/ familiar with a person who has yet to be determined a constant/consistent person in their life. so ladies, no matter how cute you think babies/children are- don't press a man to meet his kids too soon.)

- "needy, clingy, and all around nagging... SEE YA!"

(yall should get the point by now)

- "forget your role... ADIOS."

(some chicks tend to mistake "girlfriend" for "wife" or even worse is when you are in the "just kickin it" stage and you start to prematurely assert yourself as the girlfriend? oh no ma'am. not gonna work. basically, don't you ever get too comfortable. unless you become the wife. understand?)

There are a couple other things I'd like to mention. I'm suprised none of the guys mentioned golddigging. That shit is shameful to me. Like if you look at a man as a meal ticket or a means to pay your bills, then don't get mad if all he looks at you as is a piece of ass, and treats you as such. It's 2009 ladies, DO FOR YOU.

Also I find it ironic how chicks who say "men ain't shit." are so quick to fall right back into that cycle. Like if based on your experiences, you've been disappointed more often then not... then stay on your toes damn it! If you notice the next man doing anything similar to a previous, where the situation ended badly, then don't make the mistake of staying longer than you should. I had to learn the hard way to stop starting people off with a high rank in my eyes. Nah muthafucka, starting from day one, you are a ZERO and you must WORK your way up. I will look at all of your initial attempts to impress me as "new shit." Shit you do when something is new and you want to give a good impression. Now if that "new shit" can be kept up for an extended length of time, then you move up a notch. You will be FAR less disappointed if you operate that way, trust me. You can weed out an "aint shit" muthafucka real quick. Never second-guess your better judgment or your gut instinct. I'm not saying immediately act upon it, but just make a mental note then sit back and observe. Keep in mind, he SHOULD be looking at you the same way, because how well do you know someone at first anyway? So don't get mad or offended if you don't get some "red carpet" treatment right away. Don't forget there are bitches out here that ain't shit either.

Well, my dinner is done cooking and I have a man and children to feed so I gots to go. In the meantime, I will just leave yall with that food for thought. Let it digest.

*smooches*

♥ Bella

p.s. shout outs to @urbanledjen, @slaus, @OpusDei24, @divashoefetish, @blackroosters, @Only1KJ, @BronxBomberKB, @jamesofctpmag for their participation in my lil survey, preciate it! (if you're not on twitter you won't understand why the @ symbols are involved in my shout out, sorry lol)

Amazed

2009-06-16T11:40:00.007-04:00

Being a single mother of a little girl is scary. It's cute for the first few years but once you realize she only gets bigger, it gets a little nerve racking. I start to be more careful about what I say and do around her now. Especially since she can spell very well now, I can't be spellin S-E-X no more lol...

But this weekend I saw proof that so far I'm doing pretty damn good raising my daughter.

First, she asked me if she could vacuum the floor. Which is rare for 7 year olds as far as I can tell. She asks to help me cook, she asks to help load the dishwasher, she takes it upon herself to sweep the floor, even when it isn't really necessary. She knows how to make waffles, instant oatmeal, pb&j sandwiches, microwave popcorn, and set the table. All of this I've never had to ask her to do, which makes me feel confident that I'm doing a good job leading by example. Sometimes it isn't what you tell you children, it's what you show them.

Saturday, I was upstairs sorting laundry and she was downstairs vaccuming. After a while I went downstairs and saw this:

she was sitting on the living room floor. the vacuum cleaner was tipped over and she had the bottom of it rested on a paper towel, in her lap. the dirt trap cover was off and there was a screw driver next to her on the floor. she looked at me and said "it wasn't working good. something was stuck in here, i got it out." and pointed to some fur and crumbs on the paper towel. and then asked her little brother for the screws she gave him to hold, and screwed it back together.

I was in awe. She had taken this thing apart by herself! Didn't even call my name to tell me something was wrong with the vacuum cleaner. Didn't even ask me where the screwdriver was or how to use it or anything (btw she's 7 yrs old). I've done this to the vacuum cleaner myself a few times, I just never realized she was paying me any mind when I did it. I was sooo proud of her at that moment.

I snuck a video of her putting the piece back on.

And I love how you can hear my youngest son in the background say to her "good job talia." as my other son sits there holding the screws for her. Teamwork baby. (sidenote: later on this same day my sons were cleaning their room and I overheard them singing "teamwork! cuz thats how it works! teamwork! cuz thats how we roll!" (*dead*) I have no idea where they come up with this stuff! LMAO)
So even though I get nervous about parenting as I go along, this just made me feel like so far I have nothing to worry about... like I'm doing just fine. I told her I was proud of her & that she was so smart and she smiled so hard her eyes almost closed lol. I think I did the same.
She also likes to act a fool (don't know where she gets it from tho *looks around innocently*)

I ♥ my babies.

Aw Shit!

2009-06-03T20:05:00.002-04:00

69 followers!!

woot woot!!

i love you all.

okay im done being ignorant now.

*smooches*

♥ bella

♥

2009-05-31T00:01:00.001-04:00

(So I had started this post like a month ago but it stayed in "draft" status til now, I had to finish it first. I wrote it because I was happy to see I was up to 50 followers and wanted to share 50 personal things about myself. Even though I've passed 50 Followers since then *smooches* I'd still like to share. So here it goes...)

I'm up to 50 followers now, wow I'm kinda surprised there's 50 people interested in anything I have to say lol. When I first started my lil blog, I just wanted an outlet to express my thoughts. Thanks to each of you who clicked the "follow" tab for a bitch. I know 50 isn't alot per se, but it is to me because I take my writing serious. I just don't keep up on it like I should anymore (curse you twitter!) So since all I've been doing lately for the most part is posting funny videos, I'm gonna make this post a bit more personal and share 50 things about myself, walk through my brain with me :)

1. I was born with blond hair and blue eyes, then around 5 yrs old my hair started to get darker and my eyes turned green.

2. I have one older brother in the Navy. And I have a younger sister who I hardly ever speak to because her husband's family is apparently more important than her own.

3. I wore a dress last year on my birthday and it was the first time I had worn a dress in almost 10 years.

4. I'm a Daddy's girl. If something ever happened to him I would lose it.

5. When we were babies, my parents used to play catch with us. As in they would stand 5-6 feet apart from each other and throw us back and forth.

6. My parents divorced when I was around 5 years old so I don't have many (hardly any) memories of living in some "happily ever after" type of household.

7. Kids used to pick on me when I was younger because I was a tad pudgy, had poofy hair and my mom couldn't afford us very nice clothes.

8. I didn't get along with white kids very well for some reason. Probably because they were the only ones always talkin shit "is your comb broken? did your mom make that shirt? hahahaha" Yeah, hardy har har now bitches. And I'm not gonna throw in a "lol" cuz I mean that shit.

9. My mom really did make our clothes sometimes. She's nice on the sewing machine. And I love her for that.

10. My parents told us that I was the only one they actually planned to have and the other two were suprises. Makes me feel kinda awkward and special at the same time lol.

11. I went to 5 different elementary schools between Kindergarten and 6th grade because my mom moved so much. I remember two days of my 5 year old life that our home was the car. It's so crazy because I even remember the brown and orange knitted blanket that I covered up with and falling asleep in the back of a station wagon, hearing Phil Collins on the radio... "I can feel it comin in the air tonight... hold on..." like it was yesterday.

12. I still remember my phone # from when I was 6 years old (315) 437-5516

13. I used to be a lil bad ass, tearing up people's yards for no reason. Uprooting their flowers, kicking over lawn decorations, turning on their water hoses and unraveling them. I mean from house to house like a serial delinquent. And I still couldn't tell you why *hangs head in shame* lol.

14. I used to harass my mother's friends if they showed up to my birthday party without a present. Next time I saw them I'd be like "So did you remember my present this time?" and I mean every single time. Til one day my mom heard me and cursed me out, whoops. Shit I didn't know that was rude lol I was just a kid and I wanted my present damn it.

15. I used to correct grown folks.

Grown Folk: "Why don't you go sit down in that chair?"

Me: "Actually, that's NOT a chair. It is a bean bag chair."

It got to the point where my mom's friend stared calling me "Miss Correct-All" because I jumped on everything.

16. When I was 10 years old, I thought I got my period because I did #2 in Popeye's bathroom and the walls were red and the lights were low, optical illusion like a mufucka okay? So I told my mom I got my period, she bought me pads, called all her friends and everything. I told one of my friends, who went and told a bitch who told a bitch... til everyone knew. And it was one more thing for people to pick on me about (for some reason), only to find out it was a false alarm...smh.

17. That same year I got my first lil boyfriend, kinda popular, lived across the street from me. I remember his parents had a party that weekend and my family was there. His mom and my mom were talking til late at night and he fell asleep on the couch with his headphones on. Even at 10 years old I had the instinct to turn his music off, remove the headphones, cover him up, and smooch him on the forehead. I was all happy I had me a boyfriend lol. Til three days later he called me and said he was breaking up with me to go out with my prettier friend. And the next day in school she was like "I'm really sorry..." I just cut her off and said "It's okay, friends are more important than boys." I was the realest 4th grader alive lol.

18. My first crush was in the 2nd grade and I still remember his name. O'dell Graves. I should look him up on facebook... ha! Yeah right.

19. When I was a little girl I used to want to be a ballerina... and an English teacher. Weird.

20. I was NOT allowed to waste food. Even if I had to sit at the table for 2 hours staring at lima beans... oh they made me eat them bitches one way or another. One night my Dad sat at the table singing "Just eat it!" to me (Before Weird Al Yankovich even remade "Just Beat it." by the way lol)

21. I acquired a taste for Kalhua at 12 years old. I used to sneak and put it in my milk sometimes.

22. When I lived with my mom in the suburbs, I was an outcast. When I went to school in the city after moving in with my Dad, I became popular. Hmm... wonder if that had anything to do with moving away from all the stuck up Ambercrombie & Fitch bitches...

23. I got kicked out of high school in 10th grade and sent to "the bad kids school" V.I.N.T.A. which stood for Violence Is Not The Answer... smh. Easiest credits I ever earned. It was only from 9am to 1pm... that was punishment? And it doesn't even show up on my record? Shit, thank you.

24. My first job was at a laser tag place/arcade. I used to help myself to pizza and birthday cake while the party was in the back playing lol. We also used to smoke weed in the breakroom with the assistant manager & sneak in vodka and sprite in Taco Bell cups. And we used the breakroom wall to write shit about eachother in permanent marker. I used to write shit like "I saw (so and so) in the food court wearin a lime green sequin bodysuit doin the humpty hump talkin bout 'i shot the sheriff!'" Then they would write their rebuttal, ahhh good times... good times.

25. I spent my first paycheck from my first job in less than 3 hours, then asked my Dad for lunch money the next day. He told me I should've thought about that before I went shopping and spent all my money. I learned how to budget at 16 lol.

26. When I was 17 I ran into two bitches at the mall who used to make fun of me when I was 10... they didn't recognize me. Oh-ho-ho but I recognized them! And made sure to go up to them with the only "Jessica? Amber?" then watch the puzzled look on their face when I said "It's me (insert government name here)." The look on their face was more gratifying than any sarcastic thing I could have even said. I just hit them back with a big smile, an extra cheerful "Well it was nice seeing you, take care!" flipped my hair and walked away :D

27. I moved out of home when I was 17, before I even graduated high school. Roommated with a friend, thought I was grown as hell lol. Been living on my own ever since.

28. My father's second wife (of 10 years) suffered from chronic depression and committed suicide in the mall by jumping 4 stories from the movie theater level and landed next to children waiting in line to see the Easter Bunny, it even made national news. That was the worst day of my life.

29. My mother wrote a beautiful poem about my stepmother and read it at her funeral, my mom is the REALEST.

30. When I was 18 I worked 3 jobs. Clerical work Monday thru Friday from 12pm-4pm, then off to a News Stand in the mall food court from 4:30-10pm, and then worked at Victoria's Secret on the weekends. And I didn't even have to, I just wanted to.

31. I had my first child when I was 20, my second at 22 and my third at 23.

32. I didn't know I was pregnant with my second child until I was 20 weeks. Mother Nature is a tricky bitch boy I tell ya.

33. My kids' father AKA B.D. put me through alot of shit. He was abusive, possessive and controlling. He even called the train station one night to confirm that a train wasn't running and that's why I was late getting home from work. Like my word wasn't good enough.

34. One night he left me and our daughter at the ER when she had the flu and a fever of 104.1 and we had to take a cab home. The next day he still wasn't home so I had to put her in the stroller and walk in the freezing cold and wind down the side of a busy street with no sidewalks (while I was pregnant) just to go get her prescriptions. I bought her a stuffed unicorn that day, when I couldn't really afford to, just because I loved the smile it put on her sick little face. Then when he finally showed up at home around 2pm, he had spent all of our rent money partying with his boys. She still has that unicorn and it reminds me of that day every time I see it.

35. I'm not going to talk about him anymore. I prefer to have amnesia regarding that chunk of my life.

36. I sold weed for a little while when I was 16... and worked a regular job. I don't know what I was thinking.

37. Every friend I have ever made and considered a real friend, is still in my life. We may not talk often, but no love is lost. We can go months without talking but when we do, it's just like old times. I treat my friends like they're my sisters.

38. I will do anything for anyone that I'm capable of. If I don't have the answer or solution myself, I will find a way.

39. I'm probably one of the most trustworthy people you will ever meet. I can sit here with a clear conscience when I say: I have never betrayed anyone. EVER.

40. I'm VERY good at reading people.

41. I worked in the auto insurance field for four years. Investigating accidents, statements, evidence, tracking down hit and run drivers etc... Combine that with all the Law & Order and CSI episodes I've seen and I make a damn good detective lol. If you can get one over on me, congratulations.

42. I write poetry. I will share some on here from time to time starting in the near future.

43. I'm also working on a book. I don't have a set date as to when I'd like to have it finished. I just add to the last thing I wrote whenever the mood strikes me. I think I need to focus on it a little more :-/

44. I'm not a very religious person but I have my children say this every night before bed: "We pray for love, health, happiness, and success for our family and friends, amen." I think if anything, those are the four things you should wish upon your loved ones, no matter what you do or do not believe in.

45. I also teach my daughter a new word every night after I tuck her in. And tell her what it means. If I forget to, she will remind me lol.

46. If I have a really bad day, I go into my kids' rooms and watch them sleep. It always makes me forget whatever is bothering me.

47. I appreciate my man. He isn't perfect, but who is? Shit I know I'm not lol. He has disappointed me in the past but when I notice the changes he's made over the years, it makes me feel good that I'm worth the effort. I never had that before.

48. I take life one day at a time. I do my best not to worry or stress over things out of my control. Because when you do that, and nothing bad happens, you have worried for nothing. And if something does happen, well you just end up having to worry twice.

49. Like I said, I'm not a very religious person but I've recently started praying at night. I just want to clear the burdens of the day off my soul, put that energy out there and lay down with a clear mind. No matter what's going on in life, I always feel blessed to have made it through another day. And I don't want go to sleep ungrateful for that by worrying about things that I know will be okay in due time anyway, especially knowing there are people with problems worse than mine.

50. My favorite quote is: "Life is what you make it." because it's the truth. Alot of times people (myself included) don't even realize that they are standing in their own way. Gotta work on that one.

Okay all done, I just wanted to give my followers/lurkers some history and personal info about myself for once.

P.S. If you actually read 1-50 all the way through, thank you :) I know that was a whooole lot of shit lol.

dooooby dooooby dooooo...

2009-05-27T20:44:00.008-04:00

oh sorry. thats what i sing out loud to myself when im bored lol.

so let's see.... what can i talk about?

i guess i feel like talking about marriage because i just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine and i love her but she just makes me feel some kinda way sometimes. like she is so pressed to get married, she puts deadlines on her love life and it just bothers me. like "if he hasn't done this and that by such and such a time, i'm done with it. i wanna see if i can have kids or not and my time is too precious to waste."

okay but at the same time, if you don't give someone a fighting chance because they gotta operate on your timeline and it's rushed or forced, it won't last. and isn't that time wasted too?

i really think that marriage is overrated these days. it's like people don't know what it really means anymore. that shit means FOREVER bitch.

FOREVERRRRR. and ever.

honestly, i could care less if i ever get married. my main goal to achieve in a relationship is to just be happy. period. now dont get me wrong, i'm not refusing to consider marriage or rejecting the idea of it altogether. i'm just saying that it's not that serious to me. i mean it's just some rings, a legal document and a ceremony. and then what? i mean really. what's changed? you love eachother more now because you have your relationship in a contract?

okay let me break this down from my point of view.

i understand the "concept" of marriage. you love me, i love you. i can't see me with anybody else (which isnt even always the case, smh...) and i want to give you this ring as a symbol of my appreciation for your love and tell you in front of all our family and friends. and give you my last name... and sign this paperwork.

im fine and mufuckin dandy with all of that... except the last part. paperwork. what the hell is that necessary for? except changing of the last name, which some feel offers up some type of claim or validation. okay i understand that to a certain extent. BUT what i don't understand is WHY is marriage such a big deal? because history and the bible tell us that's what we are "supposed to do" when we truly love someone?

so people just be all in love and shit and then rush to the altar. then a couple years later realize "damn this mufucka really gets on my nerves." and get a divorce.

or a man who isn't capable of being faithful asks his #1 to marry him to make her feel "special." awwww aint that cute how you fuck bitches on the side but it's okay because "i got the ring bitch." (how many times have we heard that one?) well good for you dummy! congratulations! you are the one he loves MOST. but doesn't that ring mean you are supposed to be the ONLY?

okay let me be fair here... OR the unfaithful trifling bitch who accepts the ring, knowing damn well she doesn't deserve it. end up on maury pulling up a chair holding his hand talkin bout "you know i love you right?" smh...

OR the gold-diggin bitch. who when she sees the ring her immediate thought is *cha-ching!*

OR the sucker for love ass man who proposes JUST so no other man can snatch his lady up. fools.

i could go on and on... but i won't. all im trying to say is most people these days take marriage too lightly. divorce rates are high as hell. because some people dont understand it's meant to be PERMANENT. because that's what marriage is. the rest of life. and just as quick as you can sign a piece of paper to commit to "the rest of my life with you baby," you can sign another piece of paper saying "oops my bad, i meant until i got sick of your shit." and get a divorce.

i just dont see the sense in legalizing love. atleast not within the first 5 years of being in a committed relationship AND being over the age of 25. that should be like a free trial period. bond. learn eachother's faults. live together. share hard times. share happy times. meet the family. see if you are capable of growing with that person. figure out if you can handle eachother's faults. laugh together. cry together. oh yeah and have sex. fuck that waiting til marriage shit. it's 2009... you better test drive that car before you sign the title and drive off the lot because if you end up with some crap you're stuck... for the rest of your life. and we all know how frustrating car repairs can be, catch my drift?

then again, who waits til marriage anymore anyways? ha!

before i go let me just state that i am not a marriage hater. i wish the best for married folks, it's a beautiful thing to have found your "other half" and love of your life and all that. my feelings are just that it's not valued the way it was intended to be as much anymore. and people get out of it too easily nowadays. married 2 years (or less!), decide you made a mistake and then sign divorce papers. like how REAL could the love have been if it's that easy to say fuck it? it just bothers me when people put the goal of marriage before the goal of happiness. if you strive for happiness and attain it, ride that out for a good while to make sure it has longevity. fuck marriage until you have that in order FIRST.

like i've been with my man for 3 years now. ups & downs. highs and lows. tears and laughter. hard times, easy times. challenges and triumphs, all that shit. and i dont care how high on cloud 9 i am... 3 years is NOT enough time to know if someone is who you should spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. i tried to tell my friend this because she's been involved with her man for even less time than me and mine. and she's all "no, he should know by now if he wants to be married and start a family by now." saying this while SHE isn't even ready to start a family her damn self. so what's the rush then?

i asked her "why do you want to be married?"

her: "because that's what i want, i want to be married."

me: "okay but WHY? you want to be married just to be married, or do you want to be married because you feel like HE should be your husband?"

her: "because i... i feel like he's the man i should marry... and i'm bout to be 30 i want to see if i can try to have kids before i'm 35 and im not having kids unless im married."

me: "oh okay just checkin. cuz actually that shoulda been your response the first time. i suggest you stop thinking so hard and relax cuz you're gettin ahead of yourself. you can't rush that. and aren't you the one who always says "if God blesses me with a child then it's meant to be but if not, then that's His plan..." so why are you trying to script your life?"

her: "you know what... i dont like you. okay so what? okay you're right, okay. okay..."

and THAT my friends... is exactly what im talkin about.

pace your life. you only get ONE time to live it.

Blame It On The E-e-e-e-e-economy!! (hilarious)

2009-05-10T01:26:00.003-04:00

this is the best shit ever. thank you sunshyne (i stole this from her facebook, heeheehee)

Straight Trippin

2009-05-07T13:56:00.002-04:00

ok so this is the same place that just decides to hand-write that they are closed on friday the 13th... my lil vietnamese nail/tanning shop okay... so WHAT THE FUCK is this all about?! i mean i come the same time every mufuckin day n now yall talkin bout some damn REX TIME?!! fuck is rex time?! u mean REST? are yall bitches in there taking a nap? i do NOT understand.
unacceptable. smh...
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Well Damn...

2009-05-01T13:34:00.003-04:00

im mad these mufuckas took a MARKER and WROTE "friday the 13th closed" on their shit. that aint no damn holiday!
they said fuck that. we aint tryina leave the house that day. LMFAO!
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Sometimes I Feel Like...

2009-04-29T23:30:00.005-04:00

i don't feel like me anymore
my fight is fading
and my heart is heavy
even tho i feel empty
it seems every day is the same
and i just go thru the motions
struggling to stay sane
trying to stay focused
i want to be hopeful
but i feel so hopeless
so many ambitions
but no means to obtain
every time i see light
a door slams in my face
like everything i want
is on display behind glass
"you can look but you can't touch."
and i'm tired of being trapped
sick of being stuck
frustration taking over my sanity
because my dreams move faster than reality
i want to reach for so many things
but so many things keep grabbin me
so i'll just run in place
until i can break free
one of these days
i will be the me i want to be

© bella

catch your breath but never stop running, the finish line may be closer than you think.

and that is all.

3 Things To Remember

2009-04-24T20:03:00.006-04:00

take care of your children.

take care of your man.

reward yourself :)

Better Late Than Never (like a period, ha!)

2009-04-23T20:01:00.020-04:00

okay so im maaad late with this post. like two weeks late. but what can i say, im late for work every day and only live 5 minutes around the corner. i mean literally 5 minutes, maybe even 4 on a good day lol. i invite people to my kids' parties like "oh it starts at 4:00pm" mufuckas start showin up at 5 and my ass still be doing last minute shit.....smh. i probably get it from my daddy tho so blame him, he was late for his own wedding so um yeah.

alrite a couple weeks ago i had no kids for a whole week. whoa. that hasnt happened to me in like 2 years. it also coincided with the time my man had to go out of town. so i was completely... alone. and free. and i loved every minute of it.

i even went out on a week night until 4am and got my ass up the next morning and went to work like a soldier lol. i also got to go out with my girls that i havent been out with in over 3 years! oh! and i also got a new 'do for the first time in...???... lol here are some random pics...

[please ignore the nut rag hangin on the door. oops.]

[@ niki's before we went out]

[yep. those are real. must be nice. lol]

[guess my arms werent quite as long as i thought when i took this]

[good lord i need a tan]

[loveee] [i love my phone. it does cool stuff.]

[fressshhh]

[and so does ki's. lol]

[see how friends do you when you're drunk staring up at who knows what in waffle house?]

[our server was such a nice lady. thank you... scrappy?]

the spot we went to was... eh. thats really all i have to say about that. but we made the most of it of course :) in our own little world. singing "show me your genitals." over the music... "genitaliaaaa!!" n all that good stuff.

i ended up sleeping on my friend's sofa/chair that night. then the next day, which was a sunday, we went to go see Adventureland. it was just okay to me, dont get me wrong it has its funny moments. my ignorant ass was just hoping for more ignorance from the Superbad boys. oh and notice how i said i slept over my friend's house right? okay so on a sunday afternoon... that hot pink n black outfit is what my ass was strolling around downtown ATL in while 99% of everyone else had on jeans & sneakers. it was kind of a dreary day so i looked just all out of place im sure, cuz i could feel it my damn self lol. like "oh man i just LOOK like the day after the club n shit. what a shame." but whatever. i decided i didnt give a fuck. go figure.

im drawing a blank about the rest of my "time off"... aint that a bitch. i guess thats what happens when u smoke weed n procrastinate on ur bloggin.

oh! in other news, how about my house got robbed tho? yes some lovely person decided it was okay to climb in my window and steal my daughter's lil flat screen tv she got for christmas. along with my boys xbox 360... gosh how nice of them. oh and they took my man's xbox too and a dvd player. and for some odd reason decided they needed to overturn my trash in the kitchen n steal my garbage bag. like what kinda crackhead shit is that? i was sooo mad when i noticed shit was missing and rummaged thru, a light turned on in my head like "oh shit. what if they're still in here?" so i grabbed a mop and a knife from the kitchen n proceeded to yell "yall muthafuckas better hope and PRAY u aint still in my house!!" going room to room, flingin in open closets. slappin the walls n shit. yeah and dont ask me what the mop was for okay? i just felt like i needed it. in case i had to pull a prince hakeem n thrash a mufucka.

and im about 92.8% sure it was my new neighbor's husband. cuz see... some heavy winds knocked a tree onto one of my other neighbor's roof. so there was like 3-4 city trucks out there, a tree shredder and the clean up crew. now correct me if im wrong but even if you're slow, does this look like the best time and place to randomly rob a house?

yes i took this pic as evidence. after i immediately went to the three nearest pawn shops in hopes of catchin a muthafucka tryina pawn my shit. oooh i was so ready! i was on the prowl u hear me? no such luck tho. i aint even bother callin the police til i got back from that mission. plus i had to hide my weed paraphernalia before they got there anyways ;) but u see what i mean? who could walk or drive down that cul de sac (my crib is to the left behind all that green bushery but u cant see it lol) and take shit out of my house in broad daylight without anyone noticing? and the way they got in was thru my back window in the sunroom, which is RIGHT next to the steps to their back door. so according to my calculations: he opened their back door, opened my window, climbed in, thieved my shit, walked out my back door n went right back up the steps into their house. maaan i told yall i be on my law & order shit.

aha! but little do they know i have the key to their crib :) we live in a townhouse and my landlord gave me that key to show the place when it was vacant. so far, there hasn't been a time i could tell that nobody was home. but just you wait. let me see all them mufuckas pile in the car n leave. i will be all up in their shit. watch. *rubs palms together/evil laughter*

well my mouth just started watering for some cookie dough and i think this shit is long enough so *deuces* mwuah!!

Good News!

2009-04-20T19:12:00.004-04:00

i'm the type of person who doesn't like to discuss things before they actually unfold into reality so i've never mentioned this before, but a few months ago i applied to be a model for a company (that im not going to name just yet, i'd rather wait until all the paperwork is finalized and im up on their site before i do my shameless plug lmao) and they hit me back today with a contract!

im so excited yall :) i have to meet with them and get my photoshoot scheduled, which by the way i do NOT have to pay for. thats a fairly good indication that you're not about to get fucked over lol.

there is one event already scheduled that i will be a part of. so any of you in the atlanta area, come out to Opera and celebrate the magazine launch (for said company) on 5/14 hosted by Jermaine Dupri.

i will keep yall posted as this thing develops lol

damn i wish i had some liquor to celebrate! well there is that bitch ass nuvo still sittin in my fridge... but i'll be damned... nuh uh. pass.

*smooches!*

Hit the Flo!

2009-04-16T00:22:00.004-04:00

okay so today on twitter i mentioned i had the urge to stand up n cabbage patch at my desk for no good reason n then sit my ass back down n continue about my business rite? so... this beeotch Epitome decides she wants me to possibly get fired and says "so u must feel like the kids in this video." with THIS attached.

maaan i had to wait til i got home to watch the rest. my ass was bent over under the desk pretending to fix my pant leg cuz i was about to burst out into laughter. yo that lil boy rite there? KILLED me.
Epitome is also the one to blame for the fact that i will be singing "show me your genitals" until i'm 92 years old.
gracias.
p.s. i have NO gotdamn idea what that twitter box shit is that pops up on my blog, so just X that bitch out when it shows up... smh.

Say Word

2009-04-14T18:10:00.002-04:00

blog from phone? yessss mudafucka! im adding a random pic just because its letting me. pardon my complexion. proactiv and i are working to resolve this issue shortly lol.
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Wow.

2009-04-11T21:48:00.004-04:00

i was in the kitchen putting groceries away and baby girl comes in and says...

"the word 'hello' has two bad words in it."

"i know baby... wait, two? i only know one. you talkin about 'hell' and what else?"

(she shrugs and looks at the floor)

"baby what other word?"

"if you take away the L..."

"but that would just be 'heo' and that's not a word."

"no, no the letter. the sound."

so i think for a minute...

hello without the "ell" is ho. wtf rite?

so i said "ho?"

she nods her head and i ask her where she heard that word from and how does she know it's bad...

"when you and daddy used to fight, he used to say that to you and you would cry."

she was just 3-4 years old around that time, now she's 7...

WOW.

we need to remember, that kids remember. but you know what else she'll remeber? that i left... and never turned back.

Hello My Darlings!

2009-04-09T10:36:00.003-04:00

Haaaay! to my followers/lurkers, old and new :)

I've been on "vacation" from motherhood since last Friday and I've been doing grown folk shit that I don't usually have the time or opportunity for while my kids are with me. So I haven't had much time to go through and read up/ comment on your blogs or reply to comments. But I just wanted to let you know that I do appreciate every one of you for coming thru!

Stay tuned for details of my grown folk shennanigans :)

MWUAH!

What In The Hot Pink Hell...

2009-04-06T10:17:00.003-04:00

thats a really pretty bottle isn't it? well guess what? that's ALL the fuck it is! this shit is gay devil's urine. its sassy ass kool-aid. raspberry gingerale on crack. it's a disgrace to the alcohol industry and does not even deserve to be called liquor, oh excuse me "liqueur"... none of that. it should just be called "bitch ass drank" n left at that.

now i expected this to be somewhat fruity, i mean it is pink n all, but i did not expect to take a sip and get downright offended. i slammed the glass down, got up out my chair n started shaking my head like "oh. oh. i dont even believe this shit." my man was like "damn it's that bad?"

yes. hell yes. hell muthafuckin yes.

it tasted like someone put a cup of sugar into some red alize. now listen, i've drank shit and not particularly cared for it before. but then still drank it anyway because i spent my money on it gotdamn it. plus i think wasting alcohol is senseless. but this shit is so bad that i, a single mother of three (in the middle of a recession might i add), am more than willing to forfeit the $21.change i spent on this shit. that bottle will sit in my refrigerator for the rest of its life as a decoration. because that's all it's good for. i feel like nuvo raped my mouth and violated my taste buds.

i have many other things to blog about from my weekend but that will have to wait. i had to look out for your health first. so if you were thinkin about tasting/buying some nuvo....

DO.NOT.

Show Me Your Genitals

2009-04-02T22:33:00.004-04:00

okay i snatched this from epitome's blog cuz i just HAD to share the ignance. enjoy!

"you're talkin to me about stuff. why? i'd rather see your titties."

bwahahahahhhh!

hold up, hold up... after posting this ^^^ i googled this fool and...

this mufucka did a reeeeeemmmmixxxx!!

"2+2= vagina"

i cant!!

Well Alritey Then!!

2009-03-29T12:27:00.004-04:00

you'd think this fool just scored a touchdown... or got some bomb ass pussy... or won the lotto... but nope. he just won a ping pong match.

*dead*

Why DO We Love Love?

2009-03-28T19:59:00.008-04:00

Why does it seem, statistically speaking, that a majority of female's goal in life is to be in love? Is that all there is to life? And this is coming from someone in a happy relationship so don't think this is one of those "bitter" posts. No it's not perfect and yes we've had ups and downs, you have no idea, but if we don't last I figure it just wasn't meant to be. And yes I'd be hurt because we've shared so many happy times and memories with eachother, but I'd be okay. And I wouldn't be scared to walk away if that's what needed to happen. And I wouldn't feel defective if he left me, if that's what needed to happen. It would just be... life. I notice this issue pretty much everywhere. In real life, online, in blogs, on television... everybody is searching for love. And why?

I really blame the Lifetime Network for this shit lol. Like why do we have an epidemic of females searching for, anticipating, and expecting to find love? Love is no joke. Love can never be planned or coordinated. Love will just happen to you when it's supposed to. And if it isn't happening when you want it to, then it just isn't your time. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you're doomed for loneliness. It just means that you have more living and growing to do and that can be achieved with or without a man by your side. I think females should spend more time concentrating on themselves, wether you are in a relationship or not. You can't expect to build a life with another person until you've built one for yourself. Established who you are, what you are willing to accept, and what you want to achieve in life.

My man does not define me, he compliments me. He does not complete me, we are a team. I was already a whole woman before I met him and my happiness does not revolve around him. But his presence in my life is still very much appreciated. I just think a common mistake women make is getting too caught up in a man. Like once they get swept off their feet or fall head over heels, they change. They communicate less with their female friends, hang out more with their man than their female friends, and want to spend most of their spare time with him. If this man is your husband, then that's cool because he's officially your BFF for life at that point anyway lol. But if it's not that type of party, be easy. Have a life of your own and let him have one too, especially if it's still "new." Now by new I mean even the first year or two or three. Yes that is still considered new to me. How long exactly do you think it takes to get to totally know another person? My point can be illustrated by asking another question: how long did it take you to get to know yourself? I bet you sittin there not even totally knowing yourself right now as you read this lol. So you see where I'm going with this?

Love takes time, real time. This is why people who get too serious too young, don't tend to last. And this is another reason why divorce rates are so high. People get married too soon these days. And again, I also blame Lifetime lol. But it's the media in general really. Painting picture perfect love tales on the movie screens and television shows. Got bitches out here daydreaming about a love like that. Wake up! That shit is NOT easy to come by. Every man who makes you smile or gives you butterflies or puts it on your ass... is NOT "the one" okay? Learn him. Know him. But most importantly, learn you. Know you, first.

I've made the mistake of thinking I had found it all, and said to hell with everything else. I was like "Okay, finally a man who treats me right and makes me smile and puts me up on a pedestal, I'm good now." Only to learn a year and a half- and a child- later that he was a physically abusive man. I would have NEVER seen that coming. If only I had not just assumed he was the best thing since sliced bread, I wouldn't have ignored the red flags that I noticed only in hindsight. I was so blinded by "love" that I refused to believe he was capable of any wrong or harm. I know not every person's experience is this extreme but it does prove that you have to take your time with love. It takes two people to make it work, together. Not one trying harder than the other. It actually shouldn't take much effort at all. Love is not a job or project. If you feel like you have to work hard at love, it probably isn't love. And on another note, if it seems to come too easily then that probably isn't love either....

infatuation- noun
1. a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration
2. temporary love of an adolescent
3. an object of extravagant short-lived passion

Notice the word "extravagant" mentioned 2 out of 3 times in that definition?

extravagant- adjective
1. spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful
2. excessively high
3. exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions.
4. going beyond what is deserved or justifiable
5. Obsolete. wandering beyond bounds.

Pretty cut and dry huh? I'm sure there's nothing we can disagree with there right?

Hmmm... okay so let's see now, how can we define love?

love- noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like. ie: Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

SYSTEM OVERLOAD! What? All of that is love? How?

See what I mean? Take your time people, take your time. You can't define love. You need to know that there is no such thing as love until you actually experience it. I can't tell you what love is. Your momma can't tell you what love is. And evidently, not even the almighty know-it-all dictionary can either. So if you're out there looking for love, um it doesn't know you like that, stop stalking lol. No I'm joking but I just want females to know that there is more to life than the quest for love. "Live ya life" suddenly popped into my head just now... sorry I'm random. But anyway, if you've already found and defined it by your own experience, lovely. But if you haven't, that's lovely too. I hate to quote a damn ketchup commercial but fuck it, the best things come to those who wait. Yeah I'm soooo deep ain't I? But regardless of where it came from, it's still the truth.

And before I go (damn this shit was long! my bad son lol) I want to leave you with the best quote that I've heard about love so far...

"Love is when you only want the best for someone, even if it doesn't include you."

For those of you who've experienced love, what is it to you?

I Can't Hang

2009-03-19T22:54:00.008-04:00

i suck! i attempted to follow an exercise dvd that i ordered and couldnt even keep up with the lil gay fella. so sad.

"step, step, step, 1,2,3, tap, tap, tap... now point. and heel, toe, heel toe, step, step, step, okay now step, touch, step, touch..."

maaan... the fuck did you smoke for breakfast u lil hyper summabitch?

first of all im exercising in a tube top n some thongs like i dont own mad wifebeaters n booty shorts. fugg yall i had that tube top on under my peek-a-boo shirt today n i just took my jeans off like fuck it. okay anyway so my extra tall ass in a tube top tryina keep up with this fool. i got frustrated n confused. fuckin up the sequence. pausing, tryina pick up where i left off. lookin like a big ass doofus. i realized i needed to just sit my ass down somewhere when i literally yelled at him on my tv.

"what the fuck is you doin bitch?!!"
*turned the tv off and ate a brownie*

Fiesta, Fiesta!

2009-03-16T17:35:00.009-04:00

i had no children this past weekend and my homie Ava Dior was in the A so we had to go out. i dont get out too often but when i do, i like to go to Opera on fridays. we went on a saturday tho, and i was a lil disappointed in the DJ, i wanted to throw an ice cube at his ass on more than one occasion. this fool played bow wow and ciara's song in the damn club... go home, ur fired.

(yeah i was feelin it)

but whatever, we didn't let that ruin our night. not too long after we got there, one of the bouncers tapped us and asked if we'd like to go upstairs and meet his "VIP friends" and drink for free the rest of the night. free drinks you say?

just lead the way sir.

so we get our wristbands and follow him up there into a "booth" overlooking the dancefloor. then he introduces us to the VIP guest who apparently wanted some company, Greg Oden from the Portland Trailblazers. and i feel bad for saying this but i will anyways cuz its obvious wether i point it out or not but he's uh "rather unattractive." the only thing keeping me from just straight callin him ugly is that he has good manners and also shared his liquor with us lol. which by the way, not a great idea to pour patron and grey goose into identical clear glass pitchers and sit them side by side n tell people to help themselves. made me a strong ass patron n orange juice, oops! lol so i guess me n patron are cool again. me and ava were sittin there like "he's gonna kick us out cuz we're not showing him any groupie love... oh well, we're just here for the drinks" lmao

didnt feel much like dancing. til they played some reggae (nooo, nooo, nooo u dont luuuuv meeee and iiii knoooow nowwww... oh sorry) mr. oden made me pinky swear to a dance, so i danced with him shortly, but he said he had a bad knee. he couldn't hang lol anyway so me n ava danced for a few minutes then went back downstairs. i guess we made some friends...

i dont remember takin this pic. but i do remember booty dancin up on ol' boy to the left and that chick next to him was his girl... i suppose? she came kissing him while we were dancing but i didnt notice til ava said something lol. oops. neither of us ladies are single but the point of going out is to enjoy yourself, so that's what we did. even tho i swear the deejay needs a t-shirt that says "DJ Fuck Up" on it... smh.
and i somehow managed to drive back home (drunk) better than i did driving to the club (sober)... which i still dont understand. love ya ava!!
and the rest of my night is detailed in my other blog, too x-rated for this one lol.
peace out! ♥

And The Award Goes To...

2009-03-15T21:45:00.008-04:00

Twisted Elegance and Piink Cupcakez gave me a "Your Blog Rocks!" Award, thank you lovely ladies :)

I was instructed to keep the love flowin and nominate atleast 5 blogs for this award as well. So without further delay, here are my nominations (which will exceed 5 lol):

1. Imperfect Sense by Ava Dior- she put me on to this, without her i'd still be writing in my raggedy ass notebook and yall would have never hear a word from me lol (love ya!)

2. THE Karrie B. by karrie b- random, smart, funny as hell. how could you go wrong with that?

3. Amber Alert by Amber (duh)- she cracks me up, i feel distantly related to her lol.

4. Socialite's Life by Nina- she just keeps it real and uncut. loves it!

5. The Other Side of Phlyy- she is straight HILARIOUS.

6. Bombchell- In Atlanta- she always has fun pics! and her hair is fly too lol.

7. O Hell Nawl- straight up gotdamn ignorance all day every day, it don't get no better than that.

8. I Run Through Babymommas by William H.- he's funny and tells it like it is from a man's point of view. yeah bitches, believe it or not, life is not all about us.

9. Year of the R A E by J.Rae- she's a bad mutha-shut-yo-mouth. i love her energetic personality, she has an admirable i-dont-give-a-fuck-ness about herself lol.

10. ...yup, simone be talkin shit by simone_dior- never a dull moment. just recently started following her blog and i ♥ it.

And of course I'm throwing nominations right back at Twisted Elegance and Piink Cupcakez (still unclear if that's against the rules or not but oh well, they deserve it).

Now... go follow those blogs! (if you aren't already lol) and if you were nominated then here are the rules:

1.When you receive this award, show that you're happy to the giver.

2.Nominate at least 5 blogs, that you think rocks.

3.Let them know about award in their post.

4.Now blog like you've never blogged before

And thank you to all my readers/lurkers for comin thru:)

P.S. this was kinda tedious (for me atleast lol) so if you don't have the time or care to follow the rules then that is perfectly okay, i just wanted to show some love :)

Call The Coroner

2009-03-13T00:44:00.004-04:00

cuz yo ass bout to be *dead*

i had to share this video posted on O Hell Nawl (one of my favorite places to be unproductive at work lol)

lil donatello aint EVEN playin with that sketcher!!

whoolawd, i just had to share this shit before i lay it down.

Foolish ♥

2009-03-12T00:21:00.006-04:00

so me and my hunny are watching cage fighting together and we start talkin shit to eachother...

him: see that, that's how i'll do you rite there. just bust u in the forehead like PLOW!

me: uh-huh. go rite on ahead mufucka, i'll kick u in the liver, watch.

him: yeah rite. i hear ya talkin!

*we notice a mean left hook on tv*

OOOOHHH SHITT!! gooootttdaaayyyyuuummm!!

him: put yo ass in a headlock...

me: what? i aint NEVER scared.

him: put u to sleep. be in the papers like (insert my name here) was put to sleep by a headlock today. the alleged headlocker, (insert his name) had this to say...

*i cut him off*

me: "bitch left the kool aid jug empty again, shit..."

him: *bursts into teary laughter*

(i stay "forgetting" to make kool aid after i drink it all. but so does he! shit.)

now. im bout to go have me some confrontational sex :)

*smooches*

Baaallllliiiinnnn!!

2009-03-11T17:50:00.005-04:00

so i was leaving the grocery store and happened to notice this fool's license plate.

"BADBOYY"

on a FORD FOCUS?? for real homie?

you get a F in stuntin, a big fat mother-F-in F!!!

Uh Oh Spaghettios!!

2009-03-10T21:44:00.005-04:00

im on twitter now.

http://twitter.com/heffabella

yup. that's right. im a heffa.

holla!! :)

Daaaamn Homie!

2009-03-07T21:03:00.003-05:00

check how this man catches the holy ghost, at his WEDDING. lmao

she must have some really good stuff right? got a fool callin out "glory!!" at the alter n shit, you go girl!! lol

New Shit

2009-03-07T15:34:00.004-05:00

i changed my layout (finally lol) and my playlist. i'm pretty content, for the time being.

the song you are more than likely hearing right now, cuz it's the first one lol, is rich boy "drop" and that shit is sooo fuckin hard to me! if you don't know rich boy by his name alone, you should definitely recognize "throw some d's on that bitch" and if you don't? *slap* i think he's pretty slept on and i hope this shit gets on the radio cuz it KNOCKS! shit if i hear this in the club... i'll probly start bobbin my head hard as fuck n act straight ignant up in that bitch lmao

the 2nd song, blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol... just makes me wanna get tipsy n shake my booty :)

the 3rd song, maaan yall dont know NOTHING bout that shit! when i typed that shit in the search and it actually came up, i literally lost my gotdamn mind lol. started dancin all kindsa nasty. "kill the bitch" yesss!! i ♥ me some damn reggae.

the last two songs were already in my playlist before. you can never go wrong with 2pac! and that mobb deep "quiet storm" just takes me back in time to NY, ahhhh... when that shit first came out and i heard it in the club, i got a bit carried away n started shoulder bumpin bitches for no reason lmao. shit i couldnt even help it.

alritey then im about to get some cleaning done. but before i go i gotta share what my youngest son just said. him and his brother were getting their play clothes on to go outside and he couldn't find his other sneaker. so i went in the closet and found some old chucks and was like, "here just put these on."

this knucklehead...

"but they're dirty!"

"boy they play shoes, they're supposed to be dirty, hush."

"but i got my spider man socks on!"

"so? what u can't wear dirty shoes cuz you got spider man socks on?"

*shakes his head with a sad face*

"uh uh."

"look, they're clean inside punk. they only dirty on the outside. see?"

*inspects the inside n puts his foot in*

kids are crazy lol.

My Mouth Won't Close

2009-03-06T01:34:00.003-05:00

i...i...i... can't pick my jaw up. i'm speachless.

Help Me! Please? :)

2009-03-05T22:03:00.004-05:00

im sick of my layout. im sick of googling shit to FIND layouts. im sick of finding one i like and THEN it doesn't work. getting all types of error messages i don't understand n shit. see i can't be fuckin around with html. if the shit isn't good to go from jump, i want no parts of it. i've only changed my layout/template/whatever like twice since i started this blog... i think? and i dont even want anything fancy, that's what's pissin me off. i just want something simple like black or dark gray with some pink. no flowers or weird ass designs or stupid pictures... just some PLAIN shit. why is that so hard to find? any suggestions?

and if any of you say pyzam...

*shakes fist*

Who Made The Potato Salad?

2009-03-04T17:36:00.004-05:00

i LOVE this movie.

FYI: the BEST part is at 2:30... no matter how many times i see this shit, i laugh so hard my face hurts.

We Gettin Arab Monay!!

2009-03-03T23:24:00.004-05:00

i know, i know... im going to hell. and YOU are coming with me! mwuahahaha!

but you can't tell me they not GETTIN IT IN tho!!

No Words

2009-03-02T20:46:00.005-05:00

I really have no words. Other than I don't give a hot fuck what this girl said or did, she is 15 years old!!! And he's a grown ass man! As much as the world wanna get all up in Chris Brown and Rhianna's domestics... it's obvious there are MUCH more serious problems in this country. And WHY is that other bastard just sittin there like everything is cool???

If that was MY daughter.... oooooowheeeee!!

P.S. Years ago, that same officer shot and killed an unarmed, mentally disturbed man during a traffic stop. How is this muthafucka still employed in law enforcement?!?!

Argh!!

2009-02-27T10:51:00.004-05:00

i'm feelin a lil frustrated rite now. im sick of my job. but i looked online for jobs and they all pretty much fuckin suck. i want to get a second job to have extra money but it's hard to get a babysitter when my friends either a) have their own kids to look after or b) have better things to do than watch my kids on short notice. i dont have any family down here to help me either, none. my bd is a fake ass pimp who acts like i cant drop his kids off cuz he has a "business" to run. im not about to ask my man to watch kids that aren't his, and take away HIS freedom too. they are not his responsibility and im not the type of female who thinks the man in my life must assume a fatherly role to my children. all he has to do is accept them and treat them with love because they are a part of me, and he does that. i also have the potential to get into modeling but... if u read this shit all over again i run into the SAME problem. i'd like to take up a trade or some classes but... again, you see my dilema with that too.

it's really frustrating when u have so many ambitions and goals BUT so much stands in the way. not saying my kids stand in the way, they are the REASON i want more from life. what stands in the way is the lack of help i have. i dont have options. every goal i have is shot down because i'm stuck. there are 24 hour daycare centers here in atlanta, where i could drop them off if i wanted to take a class or pick up a second job a few nights out of the week... BUT that shit is expensive. so i cant do that either. i'd end up working just to pay for that alone so what's the point?

i hate to complain, i really do. i try to think of ways around obstacles instead of letting them deter me from going after what i want. but im tapped out. i feel like i just keep running in place... and it sucks.

Well Damn Mr. Officer, wtf?

2009-02-26T13:52:00.004-05:00

"DENVER – A good Samaritan who helped push three people out of the path of a pickup truck before being struck and injured has gotten a strange reward for his good deed: A jaywalking ticket.

Family members said 58-year-old bus driver Jim Moffett and another man were helping two elderly women cross a busy Denver street in a snowstorm when he was hit Friday night.

Moffett suffered bleeding in the brain, broken bones, a dislocated shoulder and a possible ruptured spleen. He was in serious but stable condition Wednesday.
The Colorado State Patrol issued the citation. Trooper Ryan Sullivan said that despite Moffett's intentions, jaywalking contributed to the accident.

Moffett had been driving his bus when the two women got off. In the interest of safety, he got out and, together with another passenger, helped the ladies cross.
Moffett's stepson, Ken McDonald, said the driver of the pickup plowed into his stepfather, but not before Moffett pushed the two women out of the way.

When he awoke in intensive care, he learned of the ticket. "His reaction was dazed and confused. I was a little angry," said McDonald.

The other man also was cited for jaywalking, while the pickup driver was cited with careless driving that led to injury. Sullivan said the two elderly women haven't been cited but the investigation is ongoing."

For real trooper?? You had to give him a jaywalking ticket? Well I'm just confused. If the driver was cited for careless driving, do you really think if they crossed at the intersection that this would have been avoided? I mean damn.

Reminds me of Mr. Incredible getting sued for saving that man when he tried to kill himself.

ugh.