Reflecting

i'm usually not the mushy type. i put up a barrier around my heart because i felt like to display my raw emotions makes me vulnerable or a sucker. but i really don't feel that way anymore. i didn't realize how tall i built that wall until i noticed how long it took me to take it down, and it's taken a pretty damn long time honestly. i'd get comfortable and take a couple bricks down, get hurt and stack them back up again.

in a few months i will have "been with" my man for 4 years.... i put quotes on "been with" because for a good while we were not in an actual relationship. we were more like best friends with benefits. we kicked it all the time (no, not just for sexin), held eachother down in times of need, got along very well, etc..... and silly me assumed that because i wasn't having sex with anyone else, then he shouldn't either. but it didn't turn out that way. i sensed it sometimes but shrugged it off. eventually i started to care. and then i wanted to know the truth... and the truth hurt. it broke my heart. i realized how much i loved him, i just never wanted to admit it to myself, i ignored that feeling for a long time because i was afraid of it. after the things "love" did to me before, i just didn't want to be love's friend. in the beginning neither of us wanted a relationship anyway. but once my feelings started to change, i pretty much kept that to myself, never verbalized it. never said "i love you." i kept up my hard facade. so i accept part of the blame for the way things went down because it is true that a man will only do what you let him do. a relationship doesn't exist just because one person feels like that's what it is. a relationship exists when two people have a mutual agreement that is what they have, and we never came to that agreement. so i couldn't get mad at him without getting mad at myself too.

after that, i let him know that i'm aware temptations exist and some people can resist them better than others. but at the same time, if he felt like he was missing something or had to get some things out of his system then he was free to do so, but not with me in the mix. that if he was not ready for a commitment, then we could no longer remain as we were. we would have to either part ways as friends or move ahead, in a relationship. and told him to take his time with that decision, don't just tell me what i want to hear. to think about how he really feels and what he wants and just be honest with me because we're both adults. he wiped a tear off my face and said, "i apologize from the bottom of my heart and every bone in my body, i never wanted to hurt you and i'm so sorry i did. i'm human, i made a mistake and i was wrong for that. i don't want anybody else." i accepted his apology and asked him to leave so he could take time to think about things. and he still said that he didn't want anybody else so.....

here we are now (this was over a year ago, before i started this blog). at first "taking him back" was awkward, i had those uneasy thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. suspicious. interrogated him when ever he returned a missed call.... he would get upset and say that if i don't trust him then we shouldn't be together and that it's not fair for me to give him a second chance without actually giving him a second chance. he had a point. so i decided to stop driving myself crazy and relax. it sucks when your mind gets the best of you, it's hard to get a grip. but like i said, he had a point. if you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. and if you decide to forgive someone and move ahead, you can't keep on holding the past against them. so you either need to take a deep breath and proceed with caution, or walk away if you aren't prepared/able to do that. i had do ask myself "is he doing anything wrong now?" and my answer (to the best of my knowledge) was "no."

if anything he was making an effort to do better but i was too occupied with being paranoid that i didn't give him a fair chance to prove he was sincere. and ever since then that's all he's done, we have remained "incident-free" lol. at first i was wondering "yeah okay, how long is this gonna last?" feeling like he was only doing these things because he felt bad and would soon slip up.... but that hasn't happened. and that paranoia i had doesn't even exist anymore, hasn't for quite a while actually. i feel a way i never felt before. i had gotten so used to rebuliding my wall that now when i just have a pile of bricks and nothing to do with them, i'm like what now? i've never gotten to this point with anyone before. all i know is it feels really good.

he keeps an eye on my kids while i go to class. he helps clean up, he cooks from time to time, sometimes even has dinner ready when i walk in the door so i don't have to do anything but make plates. he sings me silly songs, hugs me for no reason, curls up on me at night and squeezes me, smooches my forehead, and gropes me all the time (i like that cuz i'm a pervert). he's helped my sons learn to write their name and read, and he tries to comb my daughter's hair lol. whenever i'm down or frustrated he tells me "don't worry baby, we gon make it through this. i promise everything will be okay." and every morning when he wakes up, he smiles at me with his eyes half open and it makes me feel all soft and bitch-like inside. but i don't care. i'll be that lol. looking back on day one up until now, he has changed so much. some things i honestly thought i'd never see him do or hear him say. i just really appreciate that man. yeah we've been through a lot, but to me that's what makes it more real. it feels like we actually built something. nothing is perfect. and nobody is perfect either. but i do believe there are people who can be perfect for eachother. and it doesn't matter if it makes sense to the rest of the world or not.

all i know is i'm grateful to have someone who can make me feel a way i never knew. the way i deserve to feel.

and just because i feel like a punk now for being all open and lovey dovey-ish, let me say i also love him for (less mushy) things like this:

"oh i meant to tell you, you pooted in your sleep last night... like 3 times. stankin booty girl."

"damn why you get dressed so fast? i wanted to squeeze a titty."

me: *doing homework at the computer*

him: *slaps me on the shoulder with penis and keeps walking*

♥

"

*dooooby dooooby dooooo...*

oh sorry. thats what i sing out loud to myself when im bored lol.

so let's see.... what can i talk about?

i guess i feel like talking about marriage because i just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine and i love her but she just makes me feel some kinda way sometimes. like she is so pressed to get married, she puts deadlines on her love life and it just bothers me. like "if he hasn't done this and that by such and such a time, i'm done with it. i wanna see if i can have kids or not and my time is too precious to waste."

okay but at the same time, if you don't give someone a fighting chance because they gotta operate on your timeline and it's rushed or forced, it won't last. and isn't that time wasted too?

i really think that marriage is overrated these days. it's like people don't know what it really means anymore. that shit means FOREVER bitch.

FOREVERRRRR. and ever.

honestly, i could care less if i ever get married. my main goal to achieve in a relationship is to just be happy. period. now dont get me wrong, i'm not refusing to consider marriage or rejecting the idea of it altogether. i'm just saying that it's not that serious to me. i mean it's just some rings, a legal document and a ceremony. and then what? i mean really. what's changed? you love eachother more now because you have your relationship in a contract?

okay let me break this down from my point of view.

i understand the "concept" of marriage. you love me, i love you. i can't see me with anybody else (which isnt even always the case, smh...) and i want to give you this ring as a symbol of my appreciation for your love and tell you in front of all our family and friends. and give you my last name... and sign this paperwork.

im fine and mufuckin dandy with all of that... except the last part. paperwork. what the hell is that necessary for? except changing of the last name, which some feel offers up some type of claim or validation. okay i understand that to a certain extent. BUT what i don't understand is WHY is marriage such a big deal? because history and the bible tell us that's what we are "supposed to do" when we truly love someone?

so people just be all in love and shit and then rush to the altar. then a couple years later realize "damn this mufucka really gets on my nerves." and get a divorce.

or a man who isn't capable of being faithful asks his #1 to marry him to make her feel "special." awwww aint that cute how you fuck bitches on the side but it's okay because "i got the ring bitch." (how many times have we heard that one?) well good for you dummy! congratulations! you are the one he loves MOST. but doesn't that ring mean you are supposed to be the ONLY?

okay let me be fair here... OR the unfaithful trifling bitch who accepts the ring, knowing damn well she doesn't deserve it. end up on maury pulling up a chair holding his hand talkin bout "you know i love you right?" smh...

OR the gold-diggin bitch. who when she sees the ring her immediate thought is *cha-ching!*

OR the sucker for love ass man who proposes JUST so no other man can snatch his lady up. fools.

i could go on and on... but i won't. all im trying to say is most people these days take marriage too lightly. divorce rates are high as hell. because some people dont understand it's meant to be PERMANENT. because that's what marriage is. the rest of life. and just as quick as you can sign a piece of paper to commit to "the rest of my life with you baby," you can sign another piece of paper saying "oops my bad, i meant until i got sick of your shit." and get a divorce.

i just dont see the sense in legalizing love. atleast not within the first 5 years of being in a committed relationship AND being over the age of 25. that should be like a free trial period. bond. learn eachother's faults. live together. share hard times. share happy times. meet the family. see if you are capable of growing with that person. figure out if you can handle eachother's faults. laugh together. cry together. oh yeah and have sex. fuck that waiting til marriage shit. it's 2009... you better test drive that car before you sign the title and drive off the lot because if you end up with some crap you're stuck... for the rest of your life. and we all know how frustrating car repairs can be, catch my drift?

then again, who waits til marriage anymore anyways? ha!

before i go let me just state that i am not a marriage hater. i wish the best for married folks, it's a beautiful thing to have found your "other half" and love of your life and all that. my feelings are just that it's not valued the way it was intended to be as much anymore. and people get out of it too easily nowadays. married 2 years (or less!), decide you made a mistake and then sign divorce papers. like how REAL could the love have been if it's that easy to say fuck it? it just bothers me when people put the goal of marriage before the goal of happiness. if you strive for happiness and attain it, ride that out for a good while to make sure it has longevity. fuck marriage until you have that in order FIRST.

like i've been with my man for 3 years now. ups & downs. highs and lows. tears and laughter. hard times, easy times. challenges and triumphs, all that shit. and i dont care how high on cloud 9 i am... 3 years is NOT enough time to know if someone is who you should spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. i tried to tell my friend this because she's been involved with her man for even less time than me and mine. and she's all "no, he should know by now if he wants to be married and start a family by now." saying this while SHE isn't even ready to start a family her damn self. so what's the rush then?

i asked her "why do you want to be married?"

her: "because that's what i want, i want to be married."

me: "okay but WHY? you want to be married just to be married, or do you want to be married because you feel like HE should be your husband?"

her: "because i... i feel like he's the man i should marry... and i'm bout to be 30 i want to see if i can try to have kids before i'm 35 and im not having kids unless im married."

me: "oh okay just checkin. cuz actually that shoulda been your response the first time. i suggest you stop thinking so hard and relax cuz you're gettin ahead of yourself. you can't rush that. and aren't you the one who always says "if God blesses me with a child then it's meant to be but if not, then that's His plan..." so why are you trying to script your life?"

her: "you know what... i dont like you. okay so what? okay you're right, okay. okay..."

and THAT my friends... is exactly what im talkin about.

pace your life. you only get ONE time to live it.

Why DO We Love Love?

Why does it seem, statistically speaking, that a majority of female's goal in life is to be in love? Is that all there is to life? And this is coming from someone in a happy relationship so don't think this is one of those "bitter" posts. No it's not perfect and yes we've had ups and downs, you have no idea, but if we don't last I figure it just wasn't meant to be. And yes I'd be hurt because we've shared so many happy times and memories with eachother, but I'd be okay. And I wouldn't be scared to walk away if that's what needed to happen. And I wouldn't feel defective if he left me, if that's what needed to happen. It would just be... life. I notice this issue pretty much everywhere. In real life, online, in blogs, on television... everybody is searching for love. And why?

I really blame the Lifetime Network for this shit lol. Like why do we have an epidemic of females searching for, anticipating, and expecting to find love? Love is no joke. Love can never be planned or coordinated. Love will just happen to you when it's supposed to. And if it isn't happening when you want it to, then it just isn't your time. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you're doomed for loneliness. It just means that you have more living and growing to do and that can be achieved with or without a man by your side. I think females should spend more time concentrating on themselves, wether you are in a relationship or not. You can't expect to build a life with another person until you've built one for yourself. Established who you are, what you are willing to accept, and what you want to achieve in life.

My man does not define me, he compliments me. He does not complete me, we are a team. I was already a whole woman before I met him and my happiness does not revolve around him. But his presence in my life is still very much appreciated. I just think a common mistake women make is getting too caught up in a man. Like once they get swept off their feet or fall head over heels, they change. They communicate less with their female friends, hang out more with their man than their female friends, and want to spend most of their spare time with him. If this man is your husband, then that's cool because he's officially your BFF for life at that point anyway lol. But if it's not that type of party, be easy. Have a life of your own and let him have one too, especially if it's still "new." Now by new I mean even the first year or two or three. Yes that is still considered new to me. How long exactly do you think it takes to get to totally know another person? My point can be illustrated by asking another question: how long did it take you to get to know yourself? I bet you sittin there not even totally knowing yourself right now as you read this lol. So you see where I'm going with this?

Love takes time, real time. This is why people who get too serious too young, don't tend to last. And this is another reason why divorce rates are so high. People get married too soon these days. And again, I also blame Lifetime lol. But it's the media in general really. Painting picture perfect love tales on the movie screens and television shows. Got bitches out here daydreaming about a love like that. Wake up! That shit is NOT easy to come by. Every man who makes you smile or gives you butterflies or puts it on your ass... is NOT "the one" okay? Learn him. Know him. But most importantly, learn you. Know you, first.

I've made the mistake of thinking I had found it all, and said to hell with everything else. I was like "Okay, finally a man who treats me right and makes me smile and puts me up on a pedestal, I'm good now." Only to learn a year and a half- and a child- later that he was a physically abusive man. I would have NEVER seen that coming. If only I had not just assumed he was the best thing since sliced bread, I wouldn't have ignored the red flags that I noticed only in hindsight. I was so blinded by "love" that I refused to believe he was capable of any wrong or harm. I know not every person's experience is this extreme but it does prove that you have to take your time with love. It takes two people to make it work, together. Not one trying harder than the other. It actually shouldn't take much effort at all. Love is not a job or project. If you feel like you have to work hard at love, it probably isn't love. And on another note, if it seems to come too easily then that probably isn't love either....

infatuation- noun
1. a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration
2. temporary love of an adolescent
3. an object of extravagant short-lived passion

Notice the word "extravagant" mentioned 2 out of 3 times in that definition?


extravagant- adjective
1. spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful
2. excessively high
3. exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions.
4. going beyond what is deserved or justifiable
5. Obsolete. wandering beyond bounds.

Pretty cut and dry huh? I'm sure there's nothing we can disagree with there right?


Hmmm... okay so let's see now, how can we define love?

love- noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like. ie: Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

SYSTEM OVERLOAD! What? All of that is love? How?

See what I mean? Take your time people, take your time. You can't define love. You need to know that there is no such thing as love until you actually experience it. I can't tell you what love is. Your momma can't tell you what love is. And evidently, not even the almighty know-it-all dictionary can either. So if you're out there looking for love, um it doesn't know you like that, stop stalking lol. No I'm joking but I just want females to know that there is more to life than the quest for love. "Live ya life" suddenly popped into my head just now... sorry I'm random. But anyway, if you've already found and defined it by your own experience, lovely. But if you haven't, that's lovely too. I hate to quote a damn ketchup commercial but fuck it, the best things come to those who wait. Yeah I'm soooo deep ain't I? But regardless of where it came from, it's still the truth.

And before I go (damn this shit was long! my bad son lol) I want to leave you with the best quote that I've heard about love so far...

"Love is when you only want the best for someone, even if it doesn't include you."

For those of you who've experienced love, what is it to you?