Reality... Check Please!

Today I'd like to discuss separating emotion from logic. Some people are walking through life confused. Some people seem to think that "just fucking" someone is the equivalent to being in a relationship. And there are some people who confuse being in a relationship with being married.

MOST of these confused people are females. Not saying that men don't do it, but women are definitely more guilty of it due to our emotional nature, I believe. But let me break a few things down that I've seen/ learned over the years.

I would like to address the "fuck buddy" issue first. Okay... having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding that is indeed what they have. If you are allowing a man access to your lady parts, it is your responsibility to know what type of man you're dealing with and what you are willing to accept from him. If you are perfectly fine with it just being a sex thing, that's on you- just use protection please. But if you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might (definitely) want to make sure he's on the same page.

If there is never an agreement reached that two people are in a relationship, it isn't a relationship- no matter how long it's been going on. So ladies, you don't have the right to:

1. question him regarding his whereabouts.
2. get mad at him for not answering his phone/ returning your calls in a timely manner.
3. accuse him of "cheating" on you.
4. be upset if he flirts (or even has sex) with  someone else.
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it.

These are just a few but you get my point. Don't just assume a role in a man's life, step away from your emotions and analyze the situation- know where you stand. Once you know that, it is up to you to sit down and be comfortable in that role, or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings. If you feel like a man is "playing you" and want to call him an asshole or whatever, ask yourself if you allowed it by continuing to deal with him disappointment after disappointment. If you did, then you need to point the finger at yourself- you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better. Just because a man isn't ready to settle down, doesn't make him an asshole. Now if he lied to you or mislead you, then yes he's an asshole (unless he's done it more than once already- you should be on your toes at this point). But if you saw red flags and ignored them anyway, you are the one to blame. Most of the time, a female will get mad at a man for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt, so instinctively, they just get upset. But perhaps she should pump her brakes and realize that the person she needs to be upset with, is herself.

If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things, that's her fault. You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool, but which one makes more sense? Okay then. The bottom line is if you're not his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect and common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is being a cozy place for him to put his dick from time to time.

I was going to address how some people in relationships tend to confuse it with the equivalent to a marriage, but seeing how long this post already is, I will just write a Part 2 next week (hopefully).

I Smile Because...

- i woke up.

- my kids tell me i'm their best friend, and they are mine.

- i'm able to pay rent, on time.

- i have food, hot water, electricity, cable, and internet.

- i go to sleep and wake up next to a man who makes my heart happy.

- my children make Honor Roll and Perfect Attendance every quarter.

- i am currently a straight A student.

- all of my loved ones are healthy.

- i have transportation.

- i am employed.

- i keep my energy centered around positivity, strength, and growth.

- i know how far i've come.

- i know where i'm going.

- there are people who doubt me.

- at the end of the day, why wouldn't i?

:)

And This is Why...

I really don't mean to do two posts in a row on the excuse of a man my children have for a father but.... just to clarify for those who haven't been following my blog very long...

I am not a spiteful, bitter woman, being a stank bitch about my bd over petty things. It's things like today. My youngest son's 5th birthday. His second birthday in a row with no phone call from the man who gave him life. The man who claimed once upon a time that his children meant the world to him. The man he looks like. The man who insisted he be named after him.

I can't wait to fill out those name change papers. Luckily my bd and my brother have the same first name so once I change my son's middle name, he will just be named after my brother, so it all works out :)

And I really don't give a fuck about snatching my bd's father's name away from him, because it's an ugly ass name anyway.

*hmph*

My older son's middle name is the same as my bd's first name (how crazy is it that he made sure both his sons had his name, then went to not giving a fuck to even say "happy birthday"??) so I'm changing his to my father's middle name. And my daughter's middle name is my bd's sister's first name. Sooo hers will be changed too lol. I'm changing it to "Saree" it means "most noble" in Arabic and I like how it sounds with her first name.

This whole changing of the names may sound a bit extreme, but seriously what is the point of having my children walk through life named after people who obviously don't care about them? No thank you.

Anyway, for my son's birthday I dropped him off at school with a cake this morning and then went back up there on my lunch break to have some cake with him and his class. We won't do the actual "celebrating" until Saturday because there's still one more birthday this week, my other son turns 6 on Friday (yeah they were born a year apart and will be the same age for 4 days, crazy huh? lol). So we'll do the Chuck E. Cheese thing when I get out of class and do cake and gifts and all that good stuff for them both then. I just LOVE when my kids have a birthday, I always think back to the day they were born. Despite all the bullshit I went through with their father for six years, if they were the only good thing to come of it, then it was all worth it in my eyes. They are the loves of my life and they mean more to me than I can even put into words. I live for them and I will die for them. Period.

Untitled

I just wanted to share a random story I was reminded of last night. I saw a tweet about donations to Haiti and it made me think of last week when I was getting the kids ready for school. My oldest son (almost 6) was looking for his $1 for icecream the school has for sale every Friday. My daughter (8) walked up to him and said, "You don't need icecream, it's cold outside anyway. You gonna give your dollar to Haiti." in a demanding tone of voice lol. She is so sweet and silly.

Then that got me to thinking about her and the way she is, and I remembered something else she did when she was even younger, about five, and she just amazes me. We were leaving Wal Mart and in the parking lot she saw a young girl (maybe 10 years old) in a wheelchair (I believe she had Cerebral Paulsy) and my daughter asked me what happened to the girl. I said that I wasn't sure and maybe she was born that way or got into a car accident, and also explained that it's important to never stare or point at people who are different than you because it's rude and might make them feel bad.

her: oooh, okay. how is she going to get in her car?

me: her mommy will pick her up and help her get in there.

her: oh. how does she go to the bathroom?

me: i'm sure her mommy and family help her do that too baby.

her: oh. she's pretty.

me: awww *smile*

her: can i tell her?

me: you sure can baby girl.

So we walked over to the girl in the wheelchair as her mother was getting ready to put her in the van, and my daughter put her hand on the little girl's hand and said "you're beautiful." (melted my damn heart lol)

I'm not sure if the girl understood or not but she seemed to smile, and her mother was like, "Awww wow how sweet! Thank you sweetie." and gave her a little hug and smiled at me and said "She is an angel, bless you." I said "Thank you, so is she *pointed at her daughter* you have a good night." and waved goodbye to the girl.

Something I will never forget. Makes me kind of sad that people don't interact with eachother like decent human beings so much anymore. A little can really go a long way sometimes, you never know how much you can turn someone's day around just by giving them a compliment, or even a smile. And it doesn't even cost you anything.

Try it sometimes :)

Food For Thought

"every man with a penis isn't a dog and every bitch with a vagina isn't a lady." - Bella

that is all.

"I Feel You"

i can't stand when people say that shit to me and they aren't even (or have never been) in my situation.

one of my friends, whom i love DEARLY by the way, is always saying this shit to me.

"i feel you girl."

um how? you don't even have any kids and you live with your mom. and honestly part of the reason yall "struggle" is because you work part-time and sleep full-time. instead of being productive and seeking full-time employment, i'm hearing "girl i just woke up."....... at 4:00 pm...... on a weekday. and "i know i'm broke but i just bought a pair of jeans from my job, they fit so nice, i just had to get them."

while i wake up at 7am everyday, work until 6pm, go to school, tend to 3 kids, cook, clean, do laundry, buy my children clothes before myself and i pay rent and bills. i'm carrying a whole household on my back right now.

but you feel me huh? *scratches head*

don't get me wrong, she has goals and talks about doing better but it's like don't complain about something if you're not going to DO anything about it and then claim to feel ME. because as much as i sit here and complain about my job, know that i spend just as much time looking for a new one.

i love her like a sister but damn... you gotta walk in my shoes before you can tell me you know how my feet feel.

joy

this has been a rough year and i still have some way to go to get to where i want to be. but i KNOW where i'm going. and i know that i have the determination, endurance, strength and patience to get there.

even through the rain, i'll still bleed smiley faces and sunshine if you cut me because i have too many reasons to be happy to let anything break me down.

so for anyone going through a rough time right now, i just want to say a couple things.

1. believe in yourself at all times, ESPECIALLY when others don't. success is the greatest revenge of all.

2. know that your current struggle is only temporary.

3. if you think you've hit rock bottom, atleast there is nowhere left to go but UP.

4. obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal, so stay focused.

5. for every one thing that gets you down, think of two reasons to keep going.

6. don't be your own worst enemy. strive for (and accept) nothing short of your worth.

7. reduce negativity and unnecessary distractions in your life, even if that includes people.

8. if something isn't working, try a different approach or eliminate the problem simply by deciding if it's even worth your energy or not.

9. time spent complaining is time wasted. what is your PLAN?

and most importantly...

10. find something to love about every day.

Shatter

Over the past couple days I've noticed a few things about myself, things I was too overwhelmed or distracted to notice before. I'm starting to think about my life harder than I ever have. I'm getting tired. I am fed up with the struggle. I am determined to look at every obstacle as a way to be more clever, to be stronger, to be smarter. I look at my babies and I feel like... "i HAVE to make it. i HAVE to." Any time I find myself feeling discouraged, I remind myself of my purpose.

We only get one life- ONE.

Today I did something I rarely do, let my brain be still. Just stop thinking about what needs to be done... and what needs to be done after that... and okay once that's done, then what? I feel like a robot sometimes. I started to think about alot of things... then I just cried. Just let every stress and every frustration roll down my face. I pretty much cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And I needed that. I hate to cry but I think as humans we just need to, atleast once in a while. One thing I like to say is: In order to get ourselves together, sometimes we need to fall apart.

I just make sure that when I pick up the pieces, I leave behind the parts I don't need anymore. Sometimes we need to stop and analyze ourselves. It's good to stop and think, what was I doing two years ago? And what am I doing now? Have I moved backwards or forwards? Is there anything I'm unhappy about right now that I can change?

Make a plan for yourself. What is your dream? What's standing in the way? How can you clear the path? Rarely in life are things going to happen just because we want them to really bad. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

And sometimes we need help, people to give us that encouragement when we're all tapped out. So choose your army wisely. You don't want negative people in your circle. I'm not saying cut off your miserable friends, just keep them outside your circle- love them from a distance. The more positive people you surround yourself with, the more that energy will rub off on you. The more goal-oriented people you associate with, the more you will strive for success. And don't let anyone tell you that you think you're better than anyone either. It's just growing up, we all have to do it eventually, some just get there quicker than others. That's their fault, not yours. And it's your life, not theirs.

Take some time to analyze yourself, figure out what you want, and how you can get there. Life is what you make it, so I suggest you make yourself proud.

Inner Peace

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."

I need a break. My mind needs a vacation and my body needs rest. I have too much going on right now with work, school, moving, tending to my children, taking care of home, and looking for a new job. Lately the average time I've been getting in bed is 1am... squeeze some lovin in there and the time I actually go to sleep is later than that lol. Then I wake up at 6:30am to start my day. And since I have classes all day Saturday (8:30am-5:50pm) the only day I really get to "rest" is Sunday. Which is also laundry day, woohoo! *sucks teeth n pouts*

On top of all that I blog, I tweet, I read blogs (yeah I be lurkin sometimes lol), I get phone calls and text messages. I get called upon for advice and venting, etc. I even have a friend who will call as I'm putting my kids in bed and ask me "What are you doing?" and I tell her "Putting them in bed..." but she keeps on talking anyway "Oh. Girl let me tell you what happened." NO. How bout I call you back after I tuck my children in? How about I not have a phone up to my face as I hug and kiss them goodnight? Finally I just have to cut her off and be like "yo i'ma call you back."

I try to do too many things, I push myself in too many different directions throughout the day. I let other people's problems become my problems. And lawd knows I have enough of my own as it is. I just can't do it anymore, atleast not right now. I'm going on hiatus. I'm putting my phone on silent from the moment I get home until 30 minutes after my kids are in bed. No more distractions, no more twitter, no more blogging, no more letting people talk my ear off about things that don't even matter when I have shit to do, none of that... not forever- just not rite now. I can't afford distractions at this point in the game.

I currently have an average of 100% in all three of my courses and I intend to make damn sure I keep it that way. All of the distractions I have are distractions that I allow, not anybody else. So it's up to me to reduce them. I just need more "me" time. My biggest goals right now are keeping good grades and finding a better job. In the meantime I'm making myself scarce. I may blog here and there but that's just because I can't help it, writing is one of my outlets and everybody needs that. I also must start taking my ass to bed at a more decent time, I'm gonna wear myself out with this 5 hours of sleep (or less) every night for months in a row nonsense. And I need to eat healthier, I LOVE JUNK FOOD. But I feel like your body is like a car, if you keep driving it without proper maintainence, it's gonna slowly but surely fall apart on you. Except the difference is, a car can be replaced- YOU can't.

I took some time to step back and look at myself and I just feel like there are some things I need to improve in different areas of my life, and also my physical and mental being. So I'm just gonna hang up a "Closed For Remodeling" sign up on my life right now. It may get a little unorganized, it may inconvenience some people... but when it's all said and done everything will be beautiful.

And I will finally have some inner peace.

Quick Update

just a lil update on my post about relieving my bd of his parental duties.

i was going to change my number but then i was reminded that i can simply block his ass from calling me (shouts out to verizon) so i did just that. had all three of his numbers blocked (yeah he could pay 3 phone bills a month but not pay daycare. smh) from calling or texting me. i deleted his numbers out of my phone. i went to daycare and school and had him removed as their parent and listed him as "not allowed to visit or pick up" too. this process was rather simple due to the fact that he is not on any of their birth certificates and they all have my last name, so he has no legal rights to them anyway (we weren't married when they were born and he refuses to get a valid state issued ID). it used to bother me that he wasn't on their birth certificates and he occasionally mentioned that he needs to so they can have his last name but... like they say, everything DOES happen for a reason. i will also be moving within the next couple weeks and he will have no idea where to.

just because they are his blood doesn't mean he deserves them. i got this.

the end.

Adios, Sionara, Peace the Fuck Out

As stated in my previous post, and many others, my bd aint about SHIT. I'ma keep it real right quick... he DID buy them their school clothes and school supplies this year- for the first time ever. He DID buy them some nice gifts for Christmas last year and he DID buy them some summer clothes and sneakers this year.

BUT...

He only did those things so he can say, "See? I finally did something, now shut the fuck up." No bitch. Those are things I did all by my lonesome for days, weeks, months, and years. That is shit you are SUPPOSED to do as a parent. Did he give ME props for holding shit down on my own? No and I wouldn't give a fuck if he did because I don't do things for my children for props. I do for them because I love them and I want them to have nice things and be well taken care of. If he did that for those same reasons, he would also make an effort to spend time with them. They haven't slept over at his house in over a year. He didn't take them one single day this summer. Matter of fact he's said he was coming to pick them up to do this and do that, then doesn't show up or cancels at the last minute. And I'm the one who sees their tears and look of disappointment on their face. He calls maybe two or three times a month to talk to them. So he feels like as long as he buys them some shit every once in a while, he's doing his part. Negative. I'd rather he spend all the time in the world with them and be on some "I may not have much right now but I'll do my best to help you" shit instead of spending hardly any time with them, buying them shit once in a while and giving ME a hard time about some daycare money all while he constantly flaunts how much money he has. So the fact that he has the money but refuses to do what is fair, indicates to me that he is a selfish bitch and his children come second. Especially when I'm in the opposite position, I may not have alot of money but still do all that I can to make sure they are straight, they are my life.

So after some thought today I decided that the little bit he does do, when HE feels like it, isn't worth the drama. He doesn't deserve their admiration while he puts their needs second or third in his life. He doesn't deserve for them to love him like a father when he acts more like a distant relative. And they don't deserve to be treated like they don't mean the world, because they are EVERYTHING and should be treated as such.

Today I gave him one last chance, and he failed. I texted him about paying for the rest of daycare that HE neglected for so long and he just texts me back "nope."

me: so u leave daycare behind like that n then put more than half of it on ME? if that's the case just pretend u dont have kids then.

him: fuck u.

me: okay. you know what? the kids are good. you are relieved of your parental obligations. have a fantastic life.

no response.

*hands washed*

And I could really give a fuck less. I'll manage to catch daycare up somehow, I did it without him for longer than I did it with his half-ass help so they will be just fine. I will just let them decide how they feel about him when they get older and if they care to keep in touch with him or not.

But for now... ya dead bitch the reaper done came.

*hulk smash*

soooo... i went up to the school yesterday to figure out what exactly i want to do with myself. i decided on criminal justice. no, not to enforce the law. to investigate it. i feel like i could benefit from this in many ways. first of all, knowing the law inside and out and how the court system works is important for us all. too many people get jerked just because they weren't aware of their rights. i'd like to know mine- all of them. i'm also GREAT at investigating and researching, things i've picked up in my years as an insurance claims adjuster, gathering evidence, taking statements, analyzing accident scenes, photos & police reports, etc. im also a crackhead for CSI, Law & Order, Forensic Files- all that shit. i can watch marathons all day long. i love to challenge my brain and piece puzzles together.

the counselor suggested i become a police officer *blank stare* ummm... okay no way in hell could i do that. like putting cuffs on people and writing them tickets just is NOT for me.

lets say i get called to a domestic disturbance for instance...

man: she shot me in my arm!!

woman: i came home and he had another woman in our bed naked!

me: *shrugs at man* thats what yo stupid ass get. have a good evening ma'am. *hat tip*

or i'd fuck around and pull somebody over, smell some weed smoke and be like "is that marijuana i smell? gimme that sir." then take all their weed, send them about their business and roll a dutch in my patrol car in front of dunkin donuts.

so you see, Officer Bella would just be an all around bad idea.

ahhh but Crime Scene Investigator Bella would be ON IT. do you hear me?

but guess what? this course isn't available online (for obvious reasons) and the hours i would have to be on campus conflict with my work hours and my motherly obligations. and my kids father is nowhere near reliable enough to depend on to hold them down the way they'd need to be (insert the sincerest "if i knew then what i know now..."). and no way in hell am i gonna ask my man to make that type of commitment to watch kids that arent even his... 3 nights a week for two years. i love him dearly but we're not married and thats just too much i feel. and i cant afford an actual babysitter at this point in time honestly so... looks like i've hit a brick wall.

BUT...

somehow, some way this is what i'm gonna do to it.

Being a Good Woman

Okay so pardon me but... I think I'm a pretty damn good specimen of the female species if I may say so myself, and I don't mean as far as appearances go. I mean as far as my mentality and my approach on life, along with my motherly skills.

I want to share some things I've learned over the years because I took on the role of a woman at an early age so I feel I'm qualified enough to speak on it.

Personal Background
As soon as I turned the legal age to work, I've been working non-stop. I've felt "grown" ever since. When I was 16, my stepmother committed suicide and I took on the role as the lady of the house. My brother and sister lived with my mother at the time (I didn't get along with her ignorant ass husband so I started living with my father when I was 15). I made my Dad his coffee in the morning, ironed his shirts, cleaned, cooked dinner, etc. At the same time I was working and going to school. I moved out of the nest on my own free will when I was 17, hadn't even graduated high school yet. I wasn't having any problems at home, nothing like that, I just wanted to be independent. I got into a roommate situation with a co-worker who was a tad bit older than me. We got along real well and she "took me under her wing" I guess you could say. I didn't have any rules and still managed to conduct myself very well. I had to contribute towards rent and bills just like any other roommate would have to. And even though we had lil parties, smoked weed and drank here and there, I never took any of that too far, I never got ridiculous with it, I always stayed focused.


When I was 18, I had 3 jobs. Not for any reason other than I wanted the most money I could possibly have. I loved to shop. But since I was working so much (mon-fri 12pm-4pm at my 1st job, then 5pm-10pm at my 2nd job and my 3rd job was on the weekends) I didn't really have the time to spend the money. But it just felt good to say "I got 3 jobs and I don't need nobody for shit." lol. Not "girl i'ma make this fool buy me some shoes." or "i bet this mufucka pay my phone bill." Fuck that shit.

I had a friend (when we were teenagers) who would cry broke to a man so he would give her money and then she would go buy some *wait for it* bamboo earrings :-/ And I would be like "What the fuck? Bitch don't you need food? And aren't you capable of working?" Why cry broke (literally- she pulled out tears for the man) if you're not even gonna be responsible with the help you get? That was just grimey to me. If a man tried to give me something that I know I don't deserve, I don't want it. If you were in need and I wouldn't feel the urge to look out for you, then I don't even feel comfortable accepting your help. If we are not close, if I'm not feelin you- I don't want a damn thing from you homie. It's just my natural way of thinking and it's gotten me very far I must say. If the only person you depend on is yourself, you can never be disappointed.

Here are some unwritten rules I have engraved in my head for myself:

1. Never depend on a man. I mean if you're in a solid relationship and he wants to help you and you would do the same for him, cool. I think that's called teamwork. But to depend on a man to pay your bills or car note or buy you food is just stupid to me. Eventually he's gonna realize that's all he's of use to you for and bounce. And then what? You gotta scramble to find another fool before the next light bill shows up in the mailbox? Pssshhh... THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. Get some business about yourself and handle your shit like a grown ass woman. I despise opportunistic bums.

2. Trust yourself. If you ask a friend for advice, take it in as such. Don't confuse advice for instructions. What works for them may not be what works for you. They won't have to live with the aftermath of your choice- but you will. Everyone's situation is not the same so they may be speaking on your situation from a different angle, their own. But the only person who has to live your life is YOU. So when making decisions, don't worry about what other people may think or say because it's your life, not theirs. The only exception to this I would say is if you have numerous people telling you the same thing, it's probably not a coinsidence and something you need to seriously evaluate. But in the end of course it is still your decision and only time will tell if you chose wisely.

3. Fail is the F-word to me. I want nothing to do with it. If I set out to do something and commit to doing it, there is no turning back or giving up. I moved out of my hometown in NY in October 2000 when I was 19 years old. And as many times as I've fallen, so to speak, I got my ass back up and kept it movin. I was asked to move back home several times, and I refused. "Oh, just come back here until you can get on your feet and then move back to Atlanta." Kiss my ass. I'll be damned if I ever get even remotely comfortable back home so I can get sucked back in that bitch. HELL NO. My friend even admitted to me last year that when I left, she said to a couple of our mutual friends "She'll be back." and they all were like "Oh yeah we know she will." HA! Negative. I left for a reason, for good. Literally and figuratively. I have children and I will never let them see me fail at shit. I will fight til my knuckles are bloody for their stability and security.

4. Keep a positive attitude. No matter how bad something seems, I guarantee it could be worse. Car accident ahead? Now you stuck in traffic right? Gonna be late for work now? You mad huh? Well maybe somebody in a car ahead of you just lost their life and will never work or see their family again. Be happy you were in that place and time so you weren't a part of the accident. Besides, being mad doesn't make anything move quicker. People need to learn not to stress things out of their control. Worrying is just that: worrying. All you're gonna do is upset yourself. If you think negatively, you will attract negative energy and results. If you remain positive and keep your cool, I promise you will make it through a situation much easier.

I really have more "rules" for myself I'd like to share but this is already long so I'll just do a part two in the near future. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

*smooches*

P.S. I decided today that I want to go to school (yay!) so I'm in the middle of figuring out how I can do that now while juggling everything else in my life so if my investigation leads me to a road in my favor, I will have to make myself scarce on these innanets. I shall keep yall posted on that :)

Who Are You?

so i've been talkin to myself alot lately, in my head. kinda cursing myself out actually.

i feel like i've gone off track. i feel like im running in place. been working a job i cant stand for two years, living check to check. even tho its due to extenuating circumstances, which i will get into at another time (long story), but i dont feel like im accomplishing anything. i dont feel like im on the right path. i feel like i need to do more, i WANT to do more. i want more for my children. i want them to have and experience things i never did. i moved out of my hometown for a reason and i need to remind myself of that more often.

before i got in the shower last nite i looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "who are you? and what are you doing?"
honestly, i didnt really come up with much.

yeah i work, my bills are paid- maybe not on time- but atleast paid in full, my kids are fed well and all of that. but i coulda done all this back home. so what exactly am i doing? why move to a city with all these opportunities and not take advantage of it? why do the SAME thing over and over every day? i dont HAVE to. and im not going to. not anymore.

from now on, im going to use my time more productively. i can sit here and complain about shit all i want but if im not taking any initiative towards changing things, then all im doing is just talkin. and thats not me. i think i've gotten so used to my robotic daily routine that i lost sight of my potential. that i just said "okay so this is my life then." when it really isnt. im not built for nor meant to live check to check. i know we're in a recession but that doesnt mean i cant do my best to swim upstream against it. fuck what all is going on out here, nothing is hopeless and i refuse to be tricked into thinking so.

i CAN do something and i WILL do something. plain and simple. i refuse to let the story of my life be that i worked a 9-5 and retired on a 401K and collected social security- if there's even any left for us when that time comes. i want more from life than that.

i have been standing in my own way by making excuses as to why i can't do something, instead of looking for ways around my obstacles. hope alone won't get me anywhere.

im on a mission now.

3 Things To Remember

take care of your children.

take care of your man.

reward yourself :)

I'm Alive Now :)

Whoooo... lawd. I've been sick since last Thursday. This shit was the worst! I was really down for the count. Thankful for my good friends checking on me, and my ride or die chick Jackie for picking up my boys and keeping them overnight Saturday. That helped sooo much. I already know I gave my man his props the other day (don't even remember what day I typed that, Friday?) but he has been my damn hero, seriously. If I rewind the last few days and play em back without him... I woulda been all fucked up in the game. He took my kids to and from school for me, cooked every night, did some grocery shopping on his own, brought me my medicine when it was time to take it, just everything.

Saturday night I was so grateful for him that I cried. I didn't let him see that shit tho lol. On top of everything else, he ran my shower for me, picked out my pajamas, gave me a back rub, and tucked me in the bed. Nobody has ever taken care of me like this, ever. He did more for me than I could even think to ask of him. I'd never been this sick before, but I was on bed lock down once...

When I was pregnant with my 3rd child, I was put on bed rest because my blood pressure was so high and I was still with my BD. I even had to take maternity leave from work early, doctor's orders. Well one night I was trying to sleep but all I could hear was "boom, boom..." from the bass of the stereo downstairs. It was his weekend ritual to drink himself stupid and listen to music ridiculously loud. I had already asked him so many times to please turn it down, and he would oblige and apologize... but then when he thought I was asleep and wouldn't notice, he turned it back up again. I was sick of that shit. So I went downstairs and unplugged the whole stereo and was like, "Apparently this the only way I'ma get some sleep huh?" Well that didn't go over so well.

He started yelling at me, saying I'm trippin, shit like that. I told him he was selfish as fuck and proceeded to go back upstairs. The fool gon say, "Oh you not gon plug that back in?"

"What? Fuck no." and started back up the stairs again.

Next thing I know... BAM!!

This bastard punched me in the back of my head. While I was pregnant. On bed rest. With my back turned. (yeah so all of yall who say a woman doesn't get hit for no reason, there's your proof that it really does happen.)

So my pregnant ass grabbed the closest object to me, our daughter's Care Bear bike, and went upside his head with it. So he pushed me into the wall and I look at the top of the stairs and see baby girl, she starts crying and yelling, "Daddy, don't hurt Mommy!" He told her to go back to bed. And I gave him the look of death and told him in my calmest tone of voice that if he doesn't go sit his ass back on the couch, he will meet round two with the bike... so he sat his ass back on the couch. And I went upstairs and slept with baby girl in her bed. And of course the asshole plugged the stereo right back in.

Looking back on that incident made me so thankful for how far I've come in life, on my own. For removing my children from that lifestyle before they were too old to get used to it and think it was normal. And it made me appreciate my man beyond words. He isn't perfect but there is far more good about him than there is bad, he has made me smile way more than he's ever made me cry, and whenever I need him- he's here. I haven't been able to say that about a man in a very long time. But now I can and it feels good :)

I would like to thank my BD for being such a piece of shit. Everything does happen for a reason.