ugh.

disclaimer: i'm just writing this because i need to vent. so if you don't care to hear me rant about my BD, feel free to click the "back" button on your browser.

the last i heard from this mf was back in october. when he told me "fuck you" for asking him to help me pay HIS outstanding daycare balance. then apparently he got locked up, still don't know exactly when or what for. he never had his family contact me to tell me that, except after he'd been locked up for a couple months already and only because he expected me to do him the "favor" of signing a release for his property and using his $1280 to co-sign his bond. but he couldn't pay daycare AND said fuck me? nah, fuck YOU bitch.

so today daycare called me and said " i just wanted to let you know their father was just up here."

*record skips*

OH? so you just gonna pop up outta nowhere huh? no phone call apologizing or even to simply say "hey, i'm out now and i'd like to see the kids." just pop up right? smh... according to my kids, he said he was going to pick them up this saturday and take them shopping and to a carnival, and wrote his phone number down and gave it to my daughter, trying to act like he didn't know my number. word? so you can give your brother-in-law my phone number and have some dude i don't even know email me asking a favor on your behalf and you want ME to call YOU? muthafucka what?

i refuse.

IF this bitch really intends to do this "carnival and shopping" excursion with them, after the way he left shit, it is HIS job to contact ME and arrange that shit. i am SO gotdamn sick of him thinking that being a parent is optional and he can just come and go in and out of their life as he pleases. i am a parent EVERY SINGLE DAY. and because i am, i know that it's important for my children to have their father in their life. but not the way he goes about it. no sir. not gonna work. i have given him too many chances to be an ACTUAL father to them and he fucks it up every time. before i let him take them ANYWHERE, he will have to do the following:

- get his name on their birth certificates.
- agree to scheduled visits (they have NEVER spent a whole weekend with him since i left him 4 years ago)
- contribute atleast half towards daycare, school supplies, and clothing.
- agree to keep all conversations strictly related to the children.
- focus more on spending time with THEM and not whatever his hustle of the moment is.

if he can't comply with any of that, then FUCK HIM. my kids deserve to feel like their father gives a damn, not to be treated like they are optional in the life of someone they love. i'm tired of the drama and i'm tired of seeing them disappointed. i know i can't MAKE him do any of those things, but i can let him know i am NOT playing with his ass, at all.

he knows i pick them up around 6:30pm so i'm sure by now, he's aware that i have his phone number. but my number hasn't changed in years so let's see if Saturday comes and they hear from him or not. i doubt it. but what sucks is, my kids don't. and for their sake, i'd like him to prove me wrong this once. but i just don't see it happening.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time and not have procreated with HIM. but then my kids wouldn't be the ones i have now and i can't imagine that. i absolutely LOVE being THEIR mommy. i guess in being young and making decisions when blinded by "love" (realized too late that was SO not what love is) there's no way to see these things coming. but regardless, this is the hand i've dealt myself, good thing i can fold at any time AND walk away with all the chips... sucks to be him.

I Need a Hero

"Captain Camel Toe Joe is here to Save a Hoe!"

(pic courtesy of @FLACO_757 on twitter, he stays with a wild default and makes me want to give him a whoopin on a daily basis)

Merry Christmas Hoe

i went to the grocery store this morning and grabbed a few things to share with the office today.

- muffins

- fruit

- cookies

- orange juice

shit like that.

well the little korean office manager lady says to me "oh how nice! you mind if i take a one pack of oran jews fo geeft?"

me: "gift for... who?"

her: "oh here. in de office. we goeeng to do raffle, deese can be fo someone to win as prize."

and just takes the shit out of the break room. okay i brought in 3 six-packs and most people drink coffee anyway but i was still o_O

fast forward to the end of the day. my turn to play the raffle game, which i dont even have the energy to explain the ridiculous way they went about leading you to your "magic number" for your corresponding gift.

well i ended up at #10

which was this:

im like okay cool. i cant read any of these korean characters but its a gift set of some sort.

chocolates?

dishes?

smell goods perhaps?

nope.

i opened the box and............................

thats right yall see that six pack of tropicana ORAN JEWS! i won my own muthafuckin juice back!

aint that a bitch.

now *vanna white hand motion* i ALSO received a calendar from the korean bank we do business with, a pack of copy paper (from our stock room), deck of cards (also in korean, of course), some chocolates (which i really aint mad at), but what you don't see here is 4 packs of this:

"and what the fuck is that bella?" you may ask... well my friend, it's seaweed.

yes.fucking.SEAWEED.

and the reason it is not in that picture is because i promptly gave that shit away to someone who actually eats it. see korean folks wrap their rice in this dry seaweed. sorry but im not eating shit that grows in spongebob's front yard. call me an ignorant, ungrateful, uncultured, asshole if you want. i dont give a single solitary fuck. this just isn't something that belongs in a "gift set" for christmas or any other occasion.

i need answers.

first i need to know what made her look at my orange juice and think "ooowhee now that's a nice gift, i just know someone had vitamin C on their wish list!"

and i need to know how a ream of copy paper got involved in these shennanigans.

i would also like someone to tell me what game of cards i'm supposed to play with a deck i can't even comprehend.

um the calendar, fuck it.

and the seaweed.... i just can't.

well, merry christmas yall!!

i'll be hitting the road for virginia beach EARLY tomorrow morning to spend christmas time with my family, i hope you all have a safe and lovely holiday :)

Pardon Me...

as i go off on a tangent. a rant is coming but i'd like to be a crazy bitch with a method to my madness so i shall first explain a few things before i go the fuck off. just know that the "going the fuck off" is indeed coming.

im about to share some personal business which i usually dont do... but then i figured isnt that what MY blog is for? to say what I want? but of course. and whoever feels compelled to judge can lick my ass.

first, my job recently cut my salary 10% which caused me to make even less money than when i first started two years ago. second, the only reason i have this job is because my bd (baby daddy. or bitchass dummy, pick one) made me lose my last job. the only job i ever had that i actually enjoyed, the job i made the most money at, the job i could finally call my career. before i started that job i was receiving daycare assistance from the state, once i started that job and had to submit paystubs for a review- they told me i made "too much money" and just cut the shit off, rather than simply reducing the amount of assistance they gave me. at the time my sons were in daycare all day and my daughter was in kindergarten. so i became responsible for paying two full-time daycare tuitions and one before/after school care... which came up to $330 a week. which came up to... $1320 a month, more than my damn rent okay?

dear government, what kinda math told you i could afford that shit by myself??

anyway... so since that was impossible to swing, i asked my bd to just watch the boys during the day- since his ass wasn't working nor contributing to SHIT financially, and said that i would pay the before/after school care for baby girl. he agreed. but only kept them two days. the night of the second day, he calls and tells me he needs to take care of some business and couldn't take the boys the next day (by the way, his "business" was picking up a bitch from the airport and taking her to get a rental car). so i told him do NOT play with me and said *gasp* his government name.

him: you don't call me that, you call me (lame ass nickname)

me: what? please. you were (first middle last name) when i met your ass and you will be (first middle last name) when you die. the fuck i look like callin you (lame ass nickname)? you ain't nobody.

him: well "nobody" is gonna be here in the morning if you try to drop them off then, how bout that? then you gon lose your job n have to move back to NY haha bitch.

*click*

um yeah. so he ignored my calls after that and the next morning i woke up stressed out. my man asked me what i was gonna do and i said "i dont even know? i guess ima call out, i dont have any money for daycare." so he tells me "well... i'd rather miss work than for you to miss work so i'll call out and stay with them so you can go in." i damn near cried lol. at this time, he'd never watched them before so that was like a big deal to me, probably the moment i decided "okay thats it. i love this muthafucka." lol

so he watched them for me that day but i couldnt expect him to keep that up of course. i told daycare the situation and asked if they'd let me just pay them that friday, they agreed. so the rest of the week i was good. i took them to daycare the next week as well... then that $330 started kickin my ass. i found a lady around the corner who did in-home childcare and charged $100 less... but still. eventually it got to the point where one day i got paid and i had to choose between paying rent or paying for childcare. i chose to pay the rent. but then i couldnt go to work. i called out 3 days in a row, they were aware of the situation and were as understanding as they could be. but by the 4th day i had to call out... i already knew. i heard it in my boss' voice "im so sorry... " i said "i already know what you're going to say and i understand. you can't keep someone employed when neither of us has a clue as to when i'll be able to show up again." she apologized again and we hung up. and i cried and cried. (by the way this job was so BOMB that the day i went to get my stuff from my desk, they handed me an envelope that said "from your esurance family" and i opened it up and there was $200 in there, they took up a collection around the office for me. made me cry in front of everybody n shit lol. and on mother's day, one of my old bosses and his wife came to my house with flowers and a $100 gift card to the grocery store that they collected from their church. oh AND while i was working there, my van broke down and THEY paid over $300 for it to be fixed, that i didnt even have to pay back. i miss that job so much *tear*)

so the government who cut my daycare assistance was now forced to give me food stamps, medicaid, AND pay for my daycare once again while i searched for another job. imagine how much money they coulda saved if they would have just reduced their assistance to me when i started making "too much money" smh. so after two months of no work, almost getting evicted twice, lights getting shut off and NO help AT ALL from the bd, i finally got a job offer. so i took it. now mind you i had to stay under a certain amount or i'd get no daycare assistance and be in the same situation all over again. so this is how i ended up at the job i'm at now. fortunately this year, all three of my kids only need before/after school care and as long as i can get a job making what i'm SUPPOSED to be making (like i was before) then i wont NEED the damn government to help me pay for daycare anymore. so this is the mission i'm on now... getting a job that pays me my worth. in the meantime this 10% paycut has me struggling.

oh there's a man in my house you may be thinking. yes indeed but sadly, after i got him a job with me after his previous job closed down, he was laid off along with a few others before these paycuts were made. i never mentioned it before because i really dont feel its anyone's business but such is life, shit happens and there's nothing to be ashamed of. (he has an interview tomorrow by the way so cross your fingers for us lol)

NOW... the reason for my rant...

in the meantime in between time the bd falls off the radar for 8 months, no phone calls, no # to reach him- nothing. during this time he started doing well for himself, called me and claimed he wanted to get back into his kids lives again.

*fast forward*

okay so earlier this year, he offered to pay for daycare himself. so of course i was like well be my guest, its about damn time. now even though this bitch can pay cash for a jag, get drunk n crash it into a tree, then pay cash for another one (all within 4 months)... he can neglect daycare completely for 3 months. priorities all fucked up. so today i let him know how much it was ($300... really shoulda been more but the director was lookin out a lil bit) and this fool offers me $50.... $50 bitch?? then says he'll pay $150 and i need to pay the other $150... um hello who let it get this far behind asshole?? not i. and who volunteered to be responsible for paying daycare? so then he says okay $100 and im like wow. if i had it myself, i woulda just told him to wipe his ass with it. but i went to go get it on my lunch break. he says "i'll give you $150 this week and $150 next week." he takes out $200 and gives me $140 (after he JUST said $150) and puts the rest of his money in his pocket n mumbles "this is some bullshit." mannn... i was like "no it's money for daycare for the children you helped create, it's LIFE, not bullshit." n just left.

so i give daycare the money when i picked them up and she tells me that the state is doing their audit and if they see that the other $160 isn't paid, they will cut me off. so i call him and tell him that and he tells me that i need to pay that. im like how? from where? what the fuck do you mean? i mention that i will once in a while have to pay this lady to watch the kids for me on a saturday or two out of the month so that i can go to school and im beyond tapped out. he says "oh yeah. good go head n get you a lil degree that aint even gonna mean shit." yo if i could spit venom.... and also shit like this "why you strugglin? dont you have a man in your house? tell him to step his game up. why dont u have a better job yet? you been broke for how long?"

when i wouldnt EVEN be in this situation if HE woulda stepped HIS game up and watched his sons and/or helped me pay for daycare in the first place!! i'd literally be making twice what i make now. and they are HIS kids! not my man's kids. but my man can pay for my daughter's birthday party and walk them to the bus stop and help them with homework n all that. so WHO needs to step their game up? pardon me if my man doesnt resort to illegal tactics, like running an "escort agency," for income. sorry he prefers to make an honest living and is doing the best he can to make that happen. but a man who would be homeless if hoes became extinct is gonna call my man a loser? i'll be damned. had to tell him some thangs.

"how the fuck you gonna call somebody a loser when i left your ass you had to go to a homeless shelter! but i guess you should be grateful for that experience because it helped you quit sucking your grown ass thumb (dead ass). you forgot i KNOW yo ass? i've SEEN you diggin thru couch cushions for change just to get a six pack of icehouse bitch. and please do tell me how someone is a loser when the ONLY way you've ever made it in life is off a bitch? that's all you have to lean on. that jag you drive? pussy got you that. not your intelligence. so who the fuck is a loser bitch?"

oh and THEN text me talkin about "half. holla. no free ride for you." like i'm not paying daycare because i just dont feel like it, like HIS ASS did for over two years. muthafucka i CANT pay half, plain and simple. like wow was it a "free ride" for you when you didnt give me a DIME for two years? nah muthafucka i paid your "half" because you couldn't/wouldn't so how dare you even...

i can NOT wait until i get a new job making what i'm actually capable of making so i can pay all of daycare myself. he will be obsolete. i tried to tolerate him for the kids but it just isn't possible. if he hasn't changed by now i doubt he ever will. i cant take it anymore. its not like he spends any time with them so what will they be missing? shit. i will be changing my number and he will NOT know where i'm moving. oh yes in the midst of all this, the townhouse i'm renting is now in foreclosure thanks to my cheap bastard landlord and now i have to find a place to move to. in the meantime i am just going to breathe, throw up bat signals to karma once in a while and patiently wait for her to land on his doorstep. as much as i'd like to beat her to it and just swipe a hanzo sword across his muthafuckin fo'head... but i'll just *woooossssaaaaahhhh*

i feel better now that i've vented.

now i know im supposed to be quitting my herbal essence but tonite, we just need to kick it. and whoever has anything to say about that... by time you read this it will be too late anyway :-P

♥ bella

ima stab my boss

this mufucka has been stealing my pens on and off for a whole year and a half!! it shouldn't bother me cuz it's "just a pen" but gotdammit!! seriously, it's ridiculous tho. i'll find a pen that writes nice and take a liking to it, only for this big head mufucka to steal it. then i gotta steal it back n shit. cuz how do you check your boss about stealing pens? am i supposed to say, "excuse me, do you have a pen fetish? cuz u keep STEALING ALL MY PENS HOMIE!!" like i have even bought my own pens from walmart with my own money and stuck them in the mug on MY desk. oh let a bitch be absent. come back the next day n 2 of them shits just vanish. like what in the hot hell do you need a pink ink pen for fool? you a grown ass man walkin round with a pink pen stickin out ya shirt pocket. my pen bitch, my pen. then when i go to steal it back, he done got all his warehouse dust and grease on the shit. so now i dont even want it back. alrite so yesterday was incident #172 (approximately) i brought my own pen from home rite? he already "used it and walked away with it" once... and i stole it back when he left his desk. then i come back from lunch and it's gone AGAIN. so i say something cuz im sick of this shit.

"where's my pen?"

"what?"

"i had a black gel pen i was using, i brought it from home n now it's not on my desk."

"oh."

oh? just oh, huh? aight bitch.

what do i see stickin out his jacket at the end of the day? yup.

so this morning i was scoping his desk out, lookin for it. didn't see it. okay, ima catch you slippin before the day is over mufucka.

well i snatched my pen back now and i swear if i was a nasty bitch i'd wipe boogers on it!!