Pardon Me...

as i go off on a tangent. a rant is coming but i'd like to be a crazy bitch with a method to my madness so i shall first explain a few things before i go the fuck off. just know that the "going the fuck off" is indeed coming.

im about to share some personal business which i usually dont do... but then i figured isnt that what MY blog is for? to say what I want? but of course. and whoever feels compelled to judge can lick my ass.

first, my job recently cut my salary 10% which caused me to make even less money than when i first started two years ago. second, the only reason i have this job is because my bd (baby daddy. or bitchass dummy, pick one) made me lose my last job. the only job i ever had that i actually enjoyed, the job i made the most money at, the job i could finally call my career. before i started that job i was receiving daycare assistance from the state, once i started that job and had to submit paystubs for a review- they told me i made "too much money" and just cut the shit off, rather than simply reducing the amount of assistance they gave me. at the time my sons were in daycare all day and my daughter was in kindergarten. so i became responsible for paying two full-time daycare tuitions and one before/after school care... which came up to $330 a week. which came up to... $1320 a month, more than my damn rent okay?

dear government, what kinda math told you i could afford that shit by myself??

anyway... so since that was impossible to swing, i asked my bd to just watch the boys during the day- since his ass wasn't working nor contributing to SHIT financially, and said that i would pay the before/after school care for baby girl. he agreed. but only kept them two days. the night of the second day, he calls and tells me he needs to take care of some business and couldn't take the boys the next day (by the way, his "business" was picking up a bitch from the airport and taking her to get a rental car). so i told him do NOT play with me and said *gasp* his government name.

him: you don't call me that, you call me (lame ass nickname)

me: what? please. you were (first middle last name) when i met your ass and you will be (first middle last name) when you die. the fuck i look like callin you (lame ass nickname)? you ain't nobody.

him: well "nobody" is gonna be here in the morning if you try to drop them off then, how bout that? then you gon lose your job n have to move back to NY haha bitch.

*click*

um yeah. so he ignored my calls after that and the next morning i woke up stressed out. my man asked me what i was gonna do and i said "i dont even know? i guess ima call out, i dont have any money for daycare." so he tells me "well... i'd rather miss work than for you to miss work so i'll call out and stay with them so you can go in." i damn near cried lol. at this time, he'd never watched them before so that was like a big deal to me, probably the moment i decided "okay thats it. i love this muthafucka." lol

so he watched them for me that day but i couldnt expect him to keep that up of course. i told daycare the situation and asked if they'd let me just pay them that friday, they agreed. so the rest of the week i was good. i took them to daycare the next week as well... then that $330 started kickin my ass. i found a lady around the corner who did in-home childcare and charged $100 less... but still. eventually it got to the point where one day i got paid and i had to choose between paying rent or paying for childcare. i chose to pay the rent. but then i couldnt go to work. i called out 3 days in a row, they were aware of the situation and were as understanding as they could be. but by the 4th day i had to call out... i already knew. i heard it in my boss' voice "im so sorry... " i said "i already know what you're going to say and i understand. you can't keep someone employed when neither of us has a clue as to when i'll be able to show up again." she apologized again and we hung up. and i cried and cried. (by the way this job was so BOMB that the day i went to get my stuff from my desk, they handed me an envelope that said "from your esurance family" and i opened it up and there was $200 in there, they took up a collection around the office for me. made me cry in front of everybody n shit lol. and on mother's day, one of my old bosses and his wife came to my house with flowers and a $100 gift card to the grocery store that they collected from their church. oh AND while i was working there, my van broke down and THEY paid over $300 for it to be fixed, that i didnt even have to pay back. i miss that job so much *tear*)

so the government who cut my daycare assistance was now forced to give me food stamps, medicaid, AND pay for my daycare once again while i searched for another job. imagine how much money they coulda saved if they would have just reduced their assistance to me when i started making "too much money" smh. so after two months of no work, almost getting evicted twice, lights getting shut off and NO help AT ALL from the bd, i finally got a job offer. so i took it. now mind you i had to stay under a certain amount or i'd get no daycare assistance and be in the same situation all over again. so this is how i ended up at the job i'm at now. fortunately this year, all three of my kids only need before/after school care and as long as i can get a job making what i'm SUPPOSED to be making (like i was before) then i wont NEED the damn government to help me pay for daycare anymore. so this is the mission i'm on now... getting a job that pays me my worth. in the meantime this 10% paycut has me struggling.

oh there's a man in my house you may be thinking. yes indeed but sadly, after i got him a job with me after his previous job closed down, he was laid off along with a few others before these paycuts were made. i never mentioned it before because i really dont feel its anyone's business but such is life, shit happens and there's nothing to be ashamed of. (he has an interview tomorrow by the way so cross your fingers for us lol)

NOW... the reason for my rant...

in the meantime in between time the bd falls off the radar for 8 months, no phone calls, no # to reach him- nothing. during this time he started doing well for himself, called me and claimed he wanted to get back into his kids lives again.

*fast forward*

okay so earlier this year, he offered to pay for daycare himself. so of course i was like well be my guest, its about damn time. now even though this bitch can pay cash for a jag, get drunk n crash it into a tree, then pay cash for another one (all within 4 months)... he can neglect daycare completely for 3 months. priorities all fucked up. so today i let him know how much it was ($300... really shoulda been more but the director was lookin out a lil bit) and this fool offers me $50.... $50 bitch?? then says he'll pay $150 and i need to pay the other $150... um hello who let it get this far behind asshole?? not i. and who volunteered to be responsible for paying daycare? so then he says okay $100 and im like wow. if i had it myself, i woulda just told him to wipe his ass with it. but i went to go get it on my lunch break. he says "i'll give you $150 this week and $150 next week." he takes out $200 and gives me $140 (after he JUST said $150) and puts the rest of his money in his pocket n mumbles "this is some bullshit." mannn... i was like "no it's money for daycare for the children you helped create, it's LIFE, not bullshit." n just left.

so i give daycare the money when i picked them up and she tells me that the state is doing their audit and if they see that the other $160 isn't paid, they will cut me off. so i call him and tell him that and he tells me that i need to pay that. im like how? from where? what the fuck do you mean? i mention that i will once in a while have to pay this lady to watch the kids for me on a saturday or two out of the month so that i can go to school and im beyond tapped out. he says "oh yeah. good go head n get you a lil degree that aint even gonna mean shit." yo if i could spit venom.... and also shit like this "why you strugglin? dont you have a man in your house? tell him to step his game up. why dont u have a better job yet? you been broke for how long?"

when i wouldnt EVEN be in this situation if HE woulda stepped HIS game up and watched his sons and/or helped me pay for daycare in the first place!! i'd literally be making twice what i make now. and they are HIS kids! not my man's kids. but my man can pay for my daughter's birthday party and walk them to the bus stop and help them with homework n all that. so WHO needs to step their game up? pardon me if my man doesnt resort to illegal tactics, like running an "escort agency," for income. sorry he prefers to make an honest living and is doing the best he can to make that happen. but a man who would be homeless if hoes became extinct is gonna call my man a loser? i'll be damned. had to tell him some thangs.

"how the fuck you gonna call somebody a loser when i left your ass you had to go to a homeless shelter! but i guess you should be grateful for that experience because it helped you quit sucking your grown ass thumb (dead ass). you forgot i KNOW yo ass? i've SEEN you diggin thru couch cushions for change just to get a six pack of icehouse bitch. and please do tell me how someone is a loser when the ONLY way you've ever made it in life is off a bitch? that's all you have to lean on. that jag you drive? pussy got you that. not your intelligence. so who the fuck is a loser bitch?"

oh and THEN text me talkin about "half. holla. no free ride for you." like i'm not paying daycare because i just dont feel like it, like HIS ASS did for over two years. muthafucka i CANT pay half, plain and simple. like wow was it a "free ride" for you when you didnt give me a DIME for two years? nah muthafucka i paid your "half" because you couldn't/wouldn't so how dare you even...

i can NOT wait until i get a new job making what i'm actually capable of making so i can pay all of daycare myself. he will be obsolete. i tried to tolerate him for the kids but it just isn't possible. if he hasn't changed by now i doubt he ever will. i cant take it anymore. its not like he spends any time with them so what will they be missing? shit. i will be changing my number and he will NOT know where i'm moving. oh yes in the midst of all this, the townhouse i'm renting is now in foreclosure thanks to my cheap bastard landlord and now i have to find a place to move to. in the meantime i am just going to breathe, throw up bat signals to karma once in a while and patiently wait for her to land on his doorstep. as much as i'd like to beat her to it and just swipe a hanzo sword across his muthafuckin fo'head... but i'll just *woooossssaaaaahhhh*

i feel better now that i've vented.

now i know im supposed to be quitting my herbal essence but tonite, we just need to kick it. and whoever has anything to say about that... by time you read this it will be too late anyway :-P

♥ bella