Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Reality... Check Please!

Today I'd like to discuss separating emotion from logic. Some people are walking through life confused. Some people seem to think that "just fucking" someone is the equivalent to being in a relationship. And there are some people who confuse being in a relationship with being married.

MOST of these confused people are females. Not saying that men don't do it, but women are definitely more guilty of it due to our emotional nature, I believe. But let me break a few things down that I've seen/ learned over the years.

I would like to address the "fuck buddy" issue first. Okay... having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding that is indeed what they have. If you are allowing a man access to your lady parts, it is your responsibility to know what type of man you're dealing with and what you are willing to accept from him. If you are perfectly fine with it just being a sex thing, that's on you- just use protection please. But if you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might (definitely) want to make sure he's on the same page.

If there is never an agreement reached that two people are in a relationship, it isn't a relationship- no matter how long it's been going on. So ladies, you don't have the right to:

1. question him regarding his whereabouts.
2. get mad at him for not answering his phone/ returning your calls in a timely manner.
3. accuse him of "cheating" on you.
4. be upset if he flirts (or even has sex) with  someone else.
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it.

These are just a few but you get my point. Don't just assume a role in a man's life, step away from your emotions and analyze the situation- know where you stand. Once you know that, it is up to you to sit down and be comfortable in that role, or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings. If you feel like a man is "playing you" and want to call him an asshole or whatever, ask yourself if you allowed it by continuing to deal with him disappointment after disappointment. If you did, then you need to point the finger at yourself- you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better. Just because a man isn't ready to settle down, doesn't make him an asshole. Now if he lied to you or mislead you, then yes he's an asshole (unless he's done it more than once already- you should be on your toes at this point). But if you saw red flags and ignored them anyway, you are the one to blame. Most of the time, a female will get mad at a man for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt, so instinctively, they just get upset. But perhaps she should pump her brakes and realize that the person she needs to be upset with, is herself.

If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things, that's her fault. You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool, but which one makes more sense? Okay then. The bottom line is if you're not his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect and common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is being a cozy place for him to put his dick from time to time.

I was going to address how some people in relationships tend to confuse it with the equivalent to a marriage, but seeing how long this post already is, I will just write a Part 2 next week (hopefully).


Kiki Fiyah said...

Great post, can't wait until part 2!

Bella said...

thank you Mama Fiyah! :)

Lina said...

Ya know, I hope some women take heed of this because can save them a lot of time and heartache. I'm quite glad I'm able to distinguish the two. The only thing I have a problem with (and I mean with the whole conundrum of male/female relationships) is that, unless a man has false pretenses going in, then none of it is his fault. I mean, while every woman should know what she will or will not stand for, the idea that the man has no personal responsibility for his actions (because he was only doing what we let him do) is a concept I haven't quite picked up on yet. I mean, call me an idiot, but as a person you should treat people how you want to be treated, regardless of their status in your life. Its probably something I'll never understand. Alas, decent post Bella.

Bella said...

Thanks Lina :) I feel what you're saying and I agree with you. It's just unfortunate that not everyone thinks that same way (plus I've been in those shoes and they weren't very comfortable) so I felt like putting it out there in kind of a "raw" way to give some ladies a head's up in hopes that they will pay more attention to what type of man they're dealing with & proceed with caution/walk away when necessary- is the best way I can explain the point I was trying to make :)

Anonymous said...

The REALEST post ever! [did this post inspiration from the latest news about Fantasia?] I 'dumped' my 'situation' over a month ago and it feels so liberating! I wasn't all caught up in feelings with him and it was actually a good 'set up' but that shit gets OLD after a while. He never dogged me out or anything but besides the sex, what else is THERE? At least I ended it (lol)

My new rule is that if you in a situation like this and still fucking with dude after 6 months to a year; LET HIM GO! He's already settled at this point and thinking he don't have to commit to get what he wants out of you aka stringing along .... so these type of relationships DO have a expiration date.

Good post Bella ! :D woo hoo! glad you're back! Speaking of; if you talk to Ava Dior; tell her HAY!!! i miss her blog also :)


achoiceofweapons said...

Wow! U should have a radio show. I vote you take "Dr" Laura's spot! I've been in a relationship like that where I felt the Lady should be mine but she wasn't my Girl and yes I got mad but what you wrote was gospel!

小玲 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

ShAy~SHaY said...

this was a great post. I have been in that situation n once I felt like emotions was getting involved on my part i decided to remove myself from that situation. I feel we women put ourselves in these situations because we can't find anyone at the moment and think "its only sex" but never realize we ALWAYS want more.