Shatter

Over the past couple days I've noticed a few things about myself, things I was too overwhelmed or distracted to notice before. I'm starting to think about my life harder than I ever have. I'm getting tired. I am fed up with the struggle. I am determined to look at every obstacle as a way to be more clever, to be stronger, to be smarter. I look at my babies and I feel like... "i HAVE to make it. i HAVE to." Any time I find myself feeling discouraged, I remind myself of my purpose.

We only get one life- ONE.

Today I did something I rarely do, let my brain be still. Just stop thinking about what needs to be done... and what needs to be done after that... and okay once that's done, then what? I feel like a robot sometimes. I started to think about alot of things... then I just cried. Just let every stress and every frustration roll down my face. I pretty much cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And I needed that. I hate to cry but I think as humans we just need to, atleast once in a while. One thing I like to say is: In order to get ourselves together, sometimes we need to fall apart.

I just make sure that when I pick up the pieces, I leave behind the parts I don't need anymore. Sometimes we need to stop and analyze ourselves. It's good to stop and think, what was I doing two years ago? And what am I doing now? Have I moved backwards or forwards? Is there anything I'm unhappy about right now that I can change?

Make a plan for yourself. What is your dream? What's standing in the way? How can you clear the path? Rarely in life are things going to happen just because we want them to really bad. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

And sometimes we need help, people to give us that encouragement when we're all tapped out. So choose your army wisely. You don't want negative people in your circle. I'm not saying cut off your miserable friends, just keep them outside your circle- love them from a distance. The more positive people you surround yourself with, the more that energy will rub off on you. The more goal-oriented people you associate with, the more you will strive for success. And don't let anyone tell you that you think you're better than anyone either. It's just growing up, we all have to do it eventually, some just get there quicker than others. That's their fault, not yours. And it's your life, not theirs.

Take some time to analyze yourself, figure out what you want, and how you can get there. Life is what you make it, so I suggest you make yourself proud.

Inner Peace

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."

I need a break. My mind needs a vacation and my body needs rest. I have too much going on right now with work, school, moving, tending to my children, taking care of home, and looking for a new job. Lately the average time I've been getting in bed is 1am... squeeze some lovin in there and the time I actually go to sleep is later than that lol. Then I wake up at 6:30am to start my day. And since I have classes all day Saturday (8:30am-5:50pm) the only day I really get to "rest" is Sunday. Which is also laundry day, woohoo! *sucks teeth n pouts*

On top of all that I blog, I tweet, I read blogs (yeah I be lurkin sometimes lol), I get phone calls and text messages. I get called upon for advice and venting, etc. I even have a friend who will call as I'm putting my kids in bed and ask me "What are you doing?" and I tell her "Putting them in bed..." but she keeps on talking anyway "Oh. Girl let me tell you what happened." NO. How bout I call you back after I tuck my children in? How about I not have a phone up to my face as I hug and kiss them goodnight? Finally I just have to cut her off and be like "yo i'ma call you back."

I try to do too many things, I push myself in too many different directions throughout the day. I let other people's problems become my problems. And lawd knows I have enough of my own as it is. I just can't do it anymore, atleast not right now. I'm going on hiatus. I'm putting my phone on silent from the moment I get home until 30 minutes after my kids are in bed. No more distractions, no more twitter, no more blogging, no more letting people talk my ear off about things that don't even matter when I have shit to do, none of that... not forever- just not rite now. I can't afford distractions at this point in the game.

I currently have an average of 100% in all three of my courses and I intend to make damn sure I keep it that way. All of the distractions I have are distractions that I allow, not anybody else. So it's up to me to reduce them. I just need more "me" time. My biggest goals right now are keeping good grades and finding a better job. In the meantime I'm making myself scarce. I may blog here and there but that's just because I can't help it, writing is one of my outlets and everybody needs that. I also must start taking my ass to bed at a more decent time, I'm gonna wear myself out with this 5 hours of sleep (or less) every night for months in a row nonsense. And I need to eat healthier, I LOVE JUNK FOOD. But I feel like your body is like a car, if you keep driving it without proper maintainence, it's gonna slowly but surely fall apart on you. Except the difference is, a car can be replaced- YOU can't.

I took some time to step back and look at myself and I just feel like there are some things I need to improve in different areas of my life, and also my physical and mental being. So I'm just gonna hang up a "Closed For Remodeling" sign up on my life right now. It may get a little unorganized, it may inconvenience some people... but when it's all said and done everything will be beautiful.

And I will finally have some inner peace.

Paper Thin

this post is for my single ladies (no beyonce). first, yes thats MC Lyte in that pic and i dont wanna hear nothing about her pants... dont even act like... matter fact that's all i'ma say: DONT EVEN ACT. lmao

second, pay hommage. she was definitely one of the illest female emcees. do me a favor and scroll down, look to the right, and pause the homie nas real quick.

*waiting*

okay, now that we've got it quiet in here, i'd like to share some of the realest shit ever spit for the ladies. i think this song should just be re-released, like right now, for no reason. fuck worrying about gettin a ring put on it.

i'm also posting the lyrics just to help it sink in even more:

When you say you love me, it doesn't matter.
It goes to my head as just chit chatter
You may take this egostistical or just or worry free
But what you say I take none of it seriously
And even if I did I wouldn't tell you so
i'd let you pretend to read me
and then you'll know.
Cause I hate when one attempts to analyze.
That I despize those who even try
to look into my eyes to see what I am thinking.
That dream is over you gotta sink it.
And I tell all of you like I told all of them
what you say to me is just paper thin, word

I'm not the kind of girl to try to play a man out
I take the money and the gear and then break the hell out
No thats not my strategy, not the game I play
I admit I play game but it's not done that way
Truly when I get involved I give it my heart
I mean my mind, my soul, my body I mean every part
But if it doesn't work out, yo it just doesn't
It wasn't meant to be you know, it just wasn't
So I treat all of you like I treat all of them
and what you say to me is still paper thin
In one ear and right out the other
hurt is mumbo jumbo (eeeish) lover
I don't pay attention
I don't concentrate
you ain't got the bait
that it takes to hook this
a-hah, a-hah, a-hah
Sucker you missed, I put feelings aside I know who I am
My name is Lyte is your name Sam?
Cause if it is step off, grab your coat and get lost
Wrap your scarf around your throat and go back and catch a rope
And hit the road Sam, don't you come back
no more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road Sam, don't you come back no more

So now I take precaution when choosing my mate
I do not touch until the third or fourth date
Then maybe we'll kiss on the fifth or sixth
time to be me *mmmuaah*
Cause a date without a kiss is so incomplete
and then maybe I'll let you play with my feet
You could suck the big toe and play with the middle
it's so simple unlike a riddle
It's as easy as counting to 1-2-3
in other terms, letters L-Y-T-E
I'll tell you, you, you and all of you
in the back and in the middle in the front
Yo, that's it paper thin word up

*bows head and raises fist*

this shit used to be my anthem i swear. hence the bolding of certain lyrics lol. alrite yall, just wanted to blow the dust off an oldie but goodie to share with my ladies :)

♥

Oh You Wanna Race Huh?

okay as i mentioned earlier today, i probably get my road rage from my daddy. this man thinks he is the KING of the road, do you hear me? one christmas there was a blizzard. and i mean some state of emergency do-not-drive-anywhere-for-any-reason type of shit. well he said "fuck that." so im in the backseat, and my stepmother is in the front seat (bless her heart) and we get on the highway so they can drop me off at my bd's sister's house and then they continue on to my stepmom's brother's house which is an hour drive with NO snow. the shit is just coming down, you don't even know if a car is ahead of you or not until suddenly you see hazard lights. this man has the nerve to cuss people out for driving slow.

"why are you driving 20 miles per hour?!" and of course they can't even hear him.

then he passes a snow plow truck and curses THEM out.

"that big ass truck can't go any faster than that?!"

while we were in a nissan altima.

okay there's one example.



now lawd dont let us be on a two lane highway and the person in the left lane is doing the speed limit, or even five miles over it. i swear he would have LOVED to have that sign at his side. he will go the fuck off. lay on the horn, call people all kinds of "motherfuckers" and "retards"... flip the bird as he passes, all of that. oh but wait... let HIM be in the fast lane and someone from the right is matching his speed or going faster. he thinks they want to race. no lie. "oh so you wanna race huh? you think you're faster than me?" and will really proceed to race with them.



be behind someone who turns with no blinker? or brakes and THEN turns on their blinker? that's my daddy rite there in that pic.

let me share a story.

once upon a time, he was behind a city bus as it was merging onto the boulevard and there was a yield sign. well apparently this bus yielded longer than my father felt was necessary and he assumed it was moving ahead as he was looking left to make his way into traffic. well it wasn't- so he hit it. not hard but he hit it. he gets out of the car, goes banging on the bus door, yelling at the bus driver, "what the fuck is wrong with you?! dont you know how to merge?!" etc, etc. so the bus driver grabs a hold of the handle that opens the door to prevent my dad from getting on the bus (cuz he shole was trying to get on that bus) and this pissed him off even more. soooo he decided he will just walk around and grab the winshsield wipers and bang them against the window, and talk his shit. finally he felt like he had said enough and got back in the car and just left.

see im mild compared to him.

but the story that sticks in my head the most is this one here... he was approaching a red light, it turned green. however, the car sitting there wasn't paying attention and just sat there, and in turn my father ran into the back of his car. mannn....

he got out his car and started marching towards the man as he was also getting out of his car. dude started gettin hype at my daddy "ah you hit my car! im gonna call the police and make a report! rah rah rah" soooo... my father snatched that man by his collar and bent him backwards over the hood of his car and told him "you're not calling shit. you sat your slow ass at a green light! you better not EVEN look at my car to get my license plate number. you're gonna get your ass back in the car and go wherever the hell it was you were going. do you understand?" then stared the man down as he got in his car and stood blocking the view of his license plate as the man drove off.

yo. i dont fucks with my daddy. he is no joke. my daddy went to the park in his 1970's basketball shorts with his socks pulled up to his knees, got laughed at... dunked on all them muthafuckas, got his daps and went home. my daddy didnt like the way domino's made his pizza so he drove past there and threw the whole mufuggin pizza at their window, while they were on their way to deliver us a new one. my daddy got pissed that the principal sent me home for what i had on and called him like "you only sent her home because you're a pervert and you didnt wanna get caught looking! she can wear whatever the fuck i buy her." i LOVES my daddy. i went off the subject but gotdammit he's my hero lol.


this would be us in the car together... except we look better. just sayin.

one year for father's day, we got him this lovely invention that my mom found at spencer's. til this day he says it was the best gift ever.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is the big flipper (as you can see). now what you do is pull down on the lil black latch there near the "wrist" and that spring up there causes the middle finger to fly up. he kept this in the car AT ALL TIMES. and when he wasn't able to react quick enough because he had to steer or whatever, he pointed at the car he was pissed at and told one of us to grab the big flipper and flip it at them. one time i flipped off the wrong car, oops. i have NO idea if they still make these or not, we bought that for him in the late 80's/ early 90's... looking at it kinda makes me want one just for old times sake lol.

so you see... i come by my road rage honestly. just about two weeks ago i was driving along minding my business *humming* when this truck just decides to pull out in front of me and i had to slam on my brakes and swerve a lil bit so i didnt end up hitting his ass. i was HEATED. heated i say! he tried to speed off on me but um... nah mudafucka, me real ting dis.

i caught up to his ass at a red light n put my window down. he gon just keep lookin straight ahead like he dont see me. oh but his window was down too so mufucka you atleast gon HEAR me. man i cursed his ass out in two languages (i live in an area with a high hispanic population- just letting you know why the two languages were required lol) i forgot how much spanish i knew but that shit just flew rite out of my mouth. fool gon straight ignore EVERYTHING i said except when i said "estas borracho puta?!" (are you drunk bitch?) gonna keep lookin straight and shake his head no. didnt even say sorry or nothing. smh

but u know what? prior to that it has actually been quite some time since i had a road rage episode so im proud of myself. i did much better than the time this dude cut me off and i wanted to curse him out so bad, but remembered my window didnt work, so i opened my door (while i was switching lanes) and went the fuck off with my head sticking out the door. or the time this man almost side-swiped me on the highway in a convertible and i threw my drink in his car.

but like i said im doing better and that's all that matters :)

how about yall? any road rage stories??

p.s. i posted this simply because i wanted to share some memories n stories of mine so just in case anyone was thinking of preaching about setting examples or my behavior n such- save it. nobody likes a pawty poopa.

Shutcho Mouf!

man i have a problem with cursing. i just didnt realize how bad until it rubbed off on my youngest child. smh

when he was two he used to call people "doopit ahss!" (stupid ass) because if someone makes me mad while i'm driving thats the first thing i yell "STUPID ASS!!" usually followed by a "muthafucka" and "dumb bitch"... its bad i know. i get this road rage from my daddy i believe, but thats a whole other post in itself.

i got him to stop saying that and he hasn't really slipped since, except for a couple weeks ago my daughter told him to do something "fast" ... well he thought she called him fat and he yelled "hey im not fat damn it!"

*sigh*

but yesterday really let me know i need to do better at watching my mouth. we went to look at a house and when i looked at the bedrooms i said "if we get this house, this would be your room boys." and apparently he liked that idea so much that he felt compelled to leap into the air with both fists raised n shout "yeah muthafuckas!!" then when he landed did the tiger woods fist pump n had the most serious face.

i told him to watch his mouth n popped the shit out his ass. (wow- i already suck at cursing less. smh)

but i really have only myself to blame. i felt a range of emotions when i heard him say that. i was mad cuz he said "muthafuckas" but then i was fighting back a laugh because of the way he went about it, like if i saw that on youtube i'd probably crack up- just being honest. BUT it wasnt on youtube and it wasnt someone else's child. it was MY baby doing that. and it was MY fault. so then i got mad at myself. like "you GOT to do better with your mouth bitch." yeah i know, shut up. i said this in my head lol. thankfully i got a lock box code from the lady so i could let myself in and look around. but if someone was actually showing the house and that happened... i woulda been mortified.

seriously i HAVE to stop. not stop completely, just do it less often and be mindful of what i say when they are in earshot. i forget that just because they arent in the same room as me, doesnt mean they cant still hear me.

from now on, i solemnly swear not to swear... so much... around my kids. if anyone else has this bad habit, please join my cause lol.

whooooo's coming with me? *jerry mcguire voice*

Quick Update

just a lil update on my post about relieving my bd of his parental duties.

i was going to change my number but then i was reminded that i can simply block his ass from calling me (shouts out to verizon) so i did just that. had all three of his numbers blocked (yeah he could pay 3 phone bills a month but not pay daycare. smh) from calling or texting me. i deleted his numbers out of my phone. i went to daycare and school and had him removed as their parent and listed him as "not allowed to visit or pick up" too. this process was rather simple due to the fact that he is not on any of their birth certificates and they all have my last name, so he has no legal rights to them anyway (we weren't married when they were born and he refuses to get a valid state issued ID). it used to bother me that he wasn't on their birth certificates and he occasionally mentioned that he needs to so they can have his last name but... like they say, everything DOES happen for a reason. i will also be moving within the next couple weeks and he will have no idea where to.

just because they are his blood doesn't mean he deserves them. i got this.

the end.

:)

okay enough complaining, i feel like that's all i've done this week and i've given too much attention to the wrong person. i usually dont tell my hunny about my baby daddy drama, just because it's awkward and i dont want him to have to worry about that. i mean he's aware that my bd aint shit, thats no secret. shit its obvious due to his lack of involvement in their lives. but during all of this, it was hard to hide my mood over it and so i told him the things that were said and done this week and how upset i was.

and he got upset... at me. at first i didnt understand why he would get upset so i was feeling some kinda way. like "damn i just wanted to vent and have someone cheer me up." but then he explained himself...

"there should be NOTHING that man can say or do to effect your mood. as much as you've been through and overcome to get away from being treated like that, there is no way you should allow him the power of getting to you. do not give him that satisfaction. he gets off on upsetting you and i know you feel cheated, like you got the bad end of the deal because you didn't know things would turn out this way, but they did baby. and even though it sucks, it's made you stronger. and regardless of what he does or doesnt do for his kids, you are more than enough. when i first met you i could tell that you'd been hurt real bad and you didnt deserve that, you didnt. you are so special. you are bigger than him and they will know that. they don't need him, he is the one losing in this situation and you cant make him do anything. if he cared he would just do it baby. you shoulda gave him the finger a long time ago, i just didnt feel like it was my place to say so. yeah he was doing a few things here and there but nothing enough to be a huge help to you. so what if he bought them things once in a while, how many times has he helped them with homework? how many weekends has he kept them? how many times has he played football with his sons or taken his daughter to see a movie? (which by the way, the answer to all of those questions is: never, ever.) you have family, you have friends and you have me. i love you to death and i love them to death. you dont NEED his help. all he does is give you money once in a while, stress you out and try to put you down and hardly even sees them. so for you to let anything he says to get to you or upset you, it pisses me off. fuck him. who is he? you are above that baby you mean so much. not only do you raise your kids but you also provide for them and work AND go to school and thats hard, so NEVER let anything he says upset you. as much as we've built on and accomlished, there should be nothing that NOBODY can say to ever get you like that."

i didn't even know what to say, my heart just melted and a tear rolled down my face as i smiled.

i love that man.

sidenote: the interview i mentioned that he had earlier this week... he got the job! also my first real day of school (on campus) was yesterday and i loved it.

slowly but surely... every little thing is gonna be alrite :)

Adios, Sionara, Peace the Fuck Out

As stated in my previous post, and many others, my bd aint about SHIT. I'ma keep it real right quick... he DID buy them their school clothes and school supplies this year- for the first time ever. He DID buy them some nice gifts for Christmas last year and he DID buy them some summer clothes and sneakers this year.

BUT...

He only did those things so he can say, "See? I finally did something, now shut the fuck up." No bitch. Those are things I did all by my lonesome for days, weeks, months, and years. That is shit you are SUPPOSED to do as a parent. Did he give ME props for holding shit down on my own? No and I wouldn't give a fuck if he did because I don't do things for my children for props. I do for them because I love them and I want them to have nice things and be well taken care of. If he did that for those same reasons, he would also make an effort to spend time with them. They haven't slept over at his house in over a year. He didn't take them one single day this summer. Matter of fact he's said he was coming to pick them up to do this and do that, then doesn't show up or cancels at the last minute. And I'm the one who sees their tears and look of disappointment on their face. He calls maybe two or three times a month to talk to them. So he feels like as long as he buys them some shit every once in a while, he's doing his part. Negative. I'd rather he spend all the time in the world with them and be on some "I may not have much right now but I'll do my best to help you" shit instead of spending hardly any time with them, buying them shit once in a while and giving ME a hard time about some daycare money all while he constantly flaunts how much money he has. So the fact that he has the money but refuses to do what is fair, indicates to me that he is a selfish bitch and his children come second. Especially when I'm in the opposite position, I may not have alot of money but still do all that I can to make sure they are straight, they are my life.

So after some thought today I decided that the little bit he does do, when HE feels like it, isn't worth the drama. He doesn't deserve their admiration while he puts their needs second or third in his life. He doesn't deserve for them to love him like a father when he acts more like a distant relative. And they don't deserve to be treated like they don't mean the world, because they are EVERYTHING and should be treated as such.

Today I gave him one last chance, and he failed. I texted him about paying for the rest of daycare that HE neglected for so long and he just texts me back "nope."

me: so u leave daycare behind like that n then put more than half of it on ME? if that's the case just pretend u dont have kids then.

him: fuck u.

me: okay. you know what? the kids are good. you are relieved of your parental obligations. have a fantastic life.

no response.

*hands washed*

And I could really give a fuck less. I'll manage to catch daycare up somehow, I did it without him for longer than I did it with his half-ass help so they will be just fine. I will just let them decide how they feel about him when they get older and if they care to keep in touch with him or not.

But for now... ya dead bitch the reaper done came.

Pardon Me...

as i go off on a tangent. a rant is coming but i'd like to be a crazy bitch with a method to my madness so i shall first explain a few things before i go the fuck off. just know that the "going the fuck off" is indeed coming.

im about to share some personal business which i usually dont do... but then i figured isnt that what MY blog is for? to say what I want? but of course. and whoever feels compelled to judge can lick my ass.

first, my job recently cut my salary 10% which caused me to make even less money than when i first started two years ago. second, the only reason i have this job is because my bd (baby daddy. or bitchass dummy, pick one) made me lose my last job. the only job i ever had that i actually enjoyed, the job i made the most money at, the job i could finally call my career. before i started that job i was receiving daycare assistance from the state, once i started that job and had to submit paystubs for a review- they told me i made "too much money" and just cut the shit off, rather than simply reducing the amount of assistance they gave me. at the time my sons were in daycare all day and my daughter was in kindergarten. so i became responsible for paying two full-time daycare tuitions and one before/after school care... which came up to $330 a week. which came up to... $1320 a month, more than my damn rent okay?

dear government, what kinda math told you i could afford that shit by myself??

anyway... so since that was impossible to swing, i asked my bd to just watch the boys during the day- since his ass wasn't working nor contributing to SHIT financially, and said that i would pay the before/after school care for baby girl. he agreed. but only kept them two days. the night of the second day, he calls and tells me he needs to take care of some business and couldn't take the boys the next day (by the way, his "business" was picking up a bitch from the airport and taking her to get a rental car). so i told him do NOT play with me and said *gasp* his government name.

him: you don't call me that, you call me (lame ass nickname)

me: what? please. you were (first middle last name) when i met your ass and you will be (first middle last name) when you die. the fuck i look like callin you (lame ass nickname)? you ain't nobody.

him: well "nobody" is gonna be here in the morning if you try to drop them off then, how bout that? then you gon lose your job n have to move back to NY haha bitch.

*click*

um yeah. so he ignored my calls after that and the next morning i woke up stressed out. my man asked me what i was gonna do and i said "i dont even know? i guess ima call out, i dont have any money for daycare." so he tells me "well... i'd rather miss work than for you to miss work so i'll call out and stay with them so you can go in." i damn near cried lol. at this time, he'd never watched them before so that was like a big deal to me, probably the moment i decided "okay thats it. i love this muthafucka." lol

so he watched them for me that day but i couldnt expect him to keep that up of course. i told daycare the situation and asked if they'd let me just pay them that friday, they agreed. so the rest of the week i was good. i took them to daycare the next week as well... then that $330 started kickin my ass. i found a lady around the corner who did in-home childcare and charged $100 less... but still. eventually it got to the point where one day i got paid and i had to choose between paying rent or paying for childcare. i chose to pay the rent. but then i couldnt go to work. i called out 3 days in a row, they were aware of the situation and were as understanding as they could be. but by the 4th day i had to call out... i already knew. i heard it in my boss' voice "im so sorry... " i said "i already know what you're going to say and i understand. you can't keep someone employed when neither of us has a clue as to when i'll be able to show up again." she apologized again and we hung up. and i cried and cried. (by the way this job was so BOMB that the day i went to get my stuff from my desk, they handed me an envelope that said "from your esurance family" and i opened it up and there was $200 in there, they took up a collection around the office for me. made me cry in front of everybody n shit lol. and on mother's day, one of my old bosses and his wife came to my house with flowers and a $100 gift card to the grocery store that they collected from their church. oh AND while i was working there, my van broke down and THEY paid over $300 for it to be fixed, that i didnt even have to pay back. i miss that job so much *tear*)

so the government who cut my daycare assistance was now forced to give me food stamps, medicaid, AND pay for my daycare once again while i searched for another job. imagine how much money they coulda saved if they would have just reduced their assistance to me when i started making "too much money" smh. so after two months of no work, almost getting evicted twice, lights getting shut off and NO help AT ALL from the bd, i finally got a job offer. so i took it. now mind you i had to stay under a certain amount or i'd get no daycare assistance and be in the same situation all over again. so this is how i ended up at the job i'm at now. fortunately this year, all three of my kids only need before/after school care and as long as i can get a job making what i'm SUPPOSED to be making (like i was before) then i wont NEED the damn government to help me pay for daycare anymore. so this is the mission i'm on now... getting a job that pays me my worth. in the meantime this 10% paycut has me struggling.

oh there's a man in my house you may be thinking. yes indeed but sadly, after i got him a job with me after his previous job closed down, he was laid off along with a few others before these paycuts were made. i never mentioned it before because i really dont feel its anyone's business but such is life, shit happens and there's nothing to be ashamed of. (he has an interview tomorrow by the way so cross your fingers for us lol)

NOW... the reason for my rant...

in the meantime in between time the bd falls off the radar for 8 months, no phone calls, no # to reach him- nothing. during this time he started doing well for himself, called me and claimed he wanted to get back into his kids lives again.

*fast forward*

okay so earlier this year, he offered to pay for daycare himself. so of course i was like well be my guest, its about damn time. now even though this bitch can pay cash for a jag, get drunk n crash it into a tree, then pay cash for another one (all within 4 months)... he can neglect daycare completely for 3 months. priorities all fucked up. so today i let him know how much it was ($300... really shoulda been more but the director was lookin out a lil bit) and this fool offers me $50.... $50 bitch?? then says he'll pay $150 and i need to pay the other $150... um hello who let it get this far behind asshole?? not i. and who volunteered to be responsible for paying daycare? so then he says okay $100 and im like wow. if i had it myself, i woulda just told him to wipe his ass with it. but i went to go get it on my lunch break. he says "i'll give you $150 this week and $150 next week." he takes out $200 and gives me $140 (after he JUST said $150) and puts the rest of his money in his pocket n mumbles "this is some bullshit." mannn... i was like "no it's money for daycare for the children you helped create, it's LIFE, not bullshit." n just left.

so i give daycare the money when i picked them up and she tells me that the state is doing their audit and if they see that the other $160 isn't paid, they will cut me off. so i call him and tell him that and he tells me that i need to pay that. im like how? from where? what the fuck do you mean? i mention that i will once in a while have to pay this lady to watch the kids for me on a saturday or two out of the month so that i can go to school and im beyond tapped out. he says "oh yeah. good go head n get you a lil degree that aint even gonna mean shit." yo if i could spit venom.... and also shit like this "why you strugglin? dont you have a man in your house? tell him to step his game up. why dont u have a better job yet? you been broke for how long?"

when i wouldnt EVEN be in this situation if HE woulda stepped HIS game up and watched his sons and/or helped me pay for daycare in the first place!! i'd literally be making twice what i make now. and they are HIS kids! not my man's kids. but my man can pay for my daughter's birthday party and walk them to the bus stop and help them with homework n all that. so WHO needs to step their game up? pardon me if my man doesnt resort to illegal tactics, like running an "escort agency," for income. sorry he prefers to make an honest living and is doing the best he can to make that happen. but a man who would be homeless if hoes became extinct is gonna call my man a loser? i'll be damned. had to tell him some thangs.

"how the fuck you gonna call somebody a loser when i left your ass you had to go to a homeless shelter! but i guess you should be grateful for that experience because it helped you quit sucking your grown ass thumb (dead ass). you forgot i KNOW yo ass? i've SEEN you diggin thru couch cushions for change just to get a six pack of icehouse bitch. and please do tell me how someone is a loser when the ONLY way you've ever made it in life is off a bitch? that's all you have to lean on. that jag you drive? pussy got you that. not your intelligence. so who the fuck is a loser bitch?"

oh and THEN text me talkin about "half. holla. no free ride for you." like i'm not paying daycare because i just dont feel like it, like HIS ASS did for over two years. muthafucka i CANT pay half, plain and simple. like wow was it a "free ride" for you when you didnt give me a DIME for two years? nah muthafucka i paid your "half" because you couldn't/wouldn't so how dare you even...

i can NOT wait until i get a new job making what i'm actually capable of making so i can pay all of daycare myself. he will be obsolete. i tried to tolerate him for the kids but it just isn't possible. if he hasn't changed by now i doubt he ever will. i cant take it anymore. its not like he spends any time with them so what will they be missing? shit. i will be changing my number and he will NOT know where i'm moving. oh yes in the midst of all this, the townhouse i'm renting is now in foreclosure thanks to my cheap bastard landlord and now i have to find a place to move to. in the meantime i am just going to breathe, throw up bat signals to karma once in a while and patiently wait for her to land on his doorstep. as much as i'd like to beat her to it and just swipe a hanzo sword across his muthafuckin fo'head... but i'll just *woooossssaaaaahhhh*

i feel better now that i've vented.

now i know im supposed to be quitting my herbal essence but tonite, we just need to kick it. and whoever has anything to say about that... by time you read this it will be too late anyway :-P

♥ bella

The Streets Is Watchin

Okay as some of you may know I have another blog which is strictly sexual in nature (stories, tips, tricks, advice, etc...) and I had to set it to "invite only" because it was brought to my attention that when my government name is googled, that blog popped up as the 5th result.

I edited the post that was listed as the result (remove my name and email address), googled myself- it still showed up. So I then removed the post altogether, googled myself again- it still showed up. THEN I went into my setting and selected "no" for the option to allow search engines to pull your blog info... googled myself- and it STILL shows up!

And being that I'm in the midst of a search for a better job, I don't want any prospective future employers to decide to google my ass and see that. So for those of you who follow that blog as well as this one, and would like to continue to do so, please email me at thebellashow@gmail.com and I'll send you an invite :)

P.S. the person who stumbled across that blog was my momma. LMAO! which i find more funny than embarrassing because my sister told me that she clicked off it with the quickness. wonder why.... hehe.

School Update

Sooo... it's official! I'm a student :)

I don't have to pay for shit right now, not even my books, yeaaah baby!

I received a grant (which means I don't have to pay that back, yessss) and I'm also eligible for a scholarship somehow. So thankfully that decreased the amount of my student loans by a pretty decent amount and I'm feelin good, feelin great!

I start Tuesday... which is just the day after tomorrow. WOOOOT!

Thank you all for your encouraging words through all of this, yall are the best!

XOXO

The counselor I've been speaking to about school called me and said that the Criminal Justice course I want to take is in fact... available online.

*cabbage patches in a circle*

I'll have to go to campus and take a few Saturday classes for what can't be covered online, but I can swing that. I go up there tomorrow to apply for financial aid.

YESSSS!!

*waves goodbye to marijuana* it's been real homie. *daps chest n sheds a tear*

Time to go make me a drank!