Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Moving Right Along

Yeah, I know yesterday I said "fuck everything that's gonna distract me." But this blog isn't a distraction, it's my happy place sometimes. It's like my e-baby, I can't neglect it lol. Plus I have about 20 minutes before I start my exercise :)

Sooo.... I have been blogging for over a year now, and even though I don't post nearly as often as I'd like to, I enjoy writing SO much. I've been writing since I was 12 years old. Little stories, poems, random things that come to mind. Well last year I finally started working on a book. I don't even have a chapter complete yet but I have been doing ALOT of thinking in the past 24 hours and have decided that even though my free time is limited, I am going to make more of a commitment to my book and my writing in general. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to become published and be an actual writer some day. Whether I sell 5 copies or 50,000 copies, I don't care. (That's a lie, who wouldn't like to sell MORE of anything with their name on it? lol) But just the accomplishment would feel like success to me. Of course if a profit were to ever come into the equation, you won't hear me complain.

Well my hunny has been working on his website all week and it looks pretty damn nice I must say. He suggested that I get one and I was thinking "eh, for what? i already have a blog up and running." BUT... this is really blogger's blog. I'm just using it. Considering that and seeing how his site is coming together, I decided to buy a domain name tonight and will be moving my blog to my own site :) Now I feel a bit more "established" and motivated to crank this book out. Ahhh it will be most exhilerating! *prince akeem voice*

And since he has a degree in graphic design, he's gonna help me make it all fly and stuff. But I'm not going to post the URL until it looks like I didn't just move in that bitch. So stay tuned!!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

First Things First

1st: Please follow my sister from another mister's blog "Her Name is Fiyah" I promise you won't regret it. She has recently committed to updating it regularly, and she is made of the truth and sheer awesomeness, so skip on over there and show her some love! (or I'll be forced to thrash you.)

2nd: "30 Days ON" <------------ my new "program." I made the shit up like, 10 minutes ago. If you are currently frustrated about a situation: tackle that muthafucka, push its face in the dirt, run an interception, spike a touchdown and do yo dance on hoes. Because um... that's what I'm about to do. For the next 30 days... I will be minimizing all distractions, I'm only making time for success-oriented activities. I don't give a fuck if a Law & Order SVU Marathon is on, I will walk away and search jobs online instead. Fuck twitter. Fuck facebook. Fuck people wasting my time. Just fuck anything that isn't necessary.

3rd: That's about it. Feel free to join me in my "fuck everything for 30 days" plan.

(I also plan to clean up my potty mouth during this time.)

Tis all, love yall :)

Friday, April 9, 2010

Gone But Never Forgotten

April 9, 1998

I came home from school, sat on the couch and played some Tekken 3 with my sister. About an hour later my father walked in the door.........

His eyes were bloodshot and puffy and his face was red, he had the most defeated look on his face and I knew something was wrong.

"Sandy.... is gone." he said.

We stood up and asked him, "Gone? What do you mean gone?"

He burst into tears and said, "She's dead, she's dead."

My sister and I cried in a panic, "No! What do you mean? How? What?!"

Then my stepbrother, her son, came out of his room in a daze. "What did you just say?"

My father turned to him, "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't know you were home already. She..... she killed herself."

It seemed like we all crumbled to the floor at the same time. My father, staring into space. My sister crying. I grabbed the closest thing to me (a bandana) and ripped it in half screaming "Why! Why did she do that?! No, no, no... she didn't do that!" My stepbrother punched the wall, then slid down it, shaking his back and forth over and over. Everyone in disbelief.

I can't imagine how hard it was for my father to tell us that his wife just committed suicide... at the mall. She landed 60 feet below the movie theaters.... 20 feet away from children waiting in line to see the Easter Bunny. The same mall my brother was at buying sneakers with his girlfriend when it happened, but he didn't know it was her.

My father paged him, he called back from a payphone inside the mall. My Dad asked him where he was.

"Carousel Mall with Tanya, I was in Foot Locker and they said some lady just killed herself here a little while ago, isn't that crazy?"

My father (not wanting to tell him over the phone, especially where he was): "Yes, can you guys come home? I have to tell you something important but I need to tell you in person."

The phone rings again and I answered it.


It was one of her best friends, I guess we sounded alike on the phone. I said "No.... this isn't..." and just started sobbing as I told her what happened. I think she dropped the phone. I could hear her screaming, "NO! NO! It's not true! NO! NO! NO!" and her husband yelling "What's wrong? What happened!" Then he picked up the phone and said "Who is this?!" And I had to explain to HIM too. She wasn't able to get back on the phone after that.

That was the hardest day of my life. Before then, I had no experience in dealing with death or losing a loved one. It was on the local news and even mentioned in national news briefly. My father dropped her off at work that day, but she never went inside the building- just walked towards it so he would think she did. Apparently she then got on a bus, went to the mall, took some money out of the ATM, watched Titanic... then climbed over the rail on the movie level and ended her life. The police report was so eerie because the security guard said that he saw her as he was coming up the escalator and he yelled for her to stay where she was. She turned around, looked him in the face, then turned her back and spread her arms open as she calmly fell forward. I remember the first time she saw Titanic, she told my father, "I love that movie so much, I have to see it atleast 5 times before I die." This was months earlier, and prior to the day of her suicide, she had seen it 4 times already. It makes me wonder.... and it creeps me out because she held her arms open just like Kate Winslet when she was standing on the rail of the ship. I will never look at that movie the same again, and til this day refuse to walk through that courtyard at the mall.

Three weeks after her suicide, a young teenage boy copied her and did the same thing. The mall had to increase security guards around the center rails, it was just crazy.

My stepmother never left a note, we still don't know why she took herself from us and everyone who loved her. She was a manic-depressant and some days she would hide in bed with the lights off and call out of work. She hated her boss, he was so condescending and rude to her. She would tell him good morning and he'd walk past like he didn't even hear her. My father called him to let him know what happened and added, "If you step foot near her funeral I will fucking kill you." and the asshole had the nerve to call the cops on my Dad, the day after his wife kills herself, and say he wants to charge him with harrassment. SMH.... The police disagreed though, but the audacity of that man, ugh. It sucks that conditions at work caused her to spiral downwards like that, when she had so many people outside of her job who loved her. I know she was taking medication for a chemical imbalance, but we had no idea she felt THAT lost inside.

She was so sweet, she would spark a friendly conversation with anyone. She was even friends with my mother, I have never known an ex-wife and the new wife to actually bond and do brunch. Even celebrate Mother's Day together. I guess that makes them both remarkable women. My mother even wrote her a poem and recited it at her funeral. I am fortunate to have been influenced by two amazing women growing up. She was married to my father for 10 years, and I was 17 when she died, so she was family to me. I remember once a few months before she died, she took me to a rose garden and asked me, "Aren't the flowers pretty?" I said, "I don't know, I don't care about flowers." and she said, "What? Every woman should love flowers." So for her funeral I wore a dress with flowers on it for the first time since I was a little girl. And now I always make sure to admire them, and think of her when I do.

My father flew out to California and scattered her ashes into the ocean from her favorite place to watch the sunset, he wanted her to be remembered as a free spirit, resting where she loved to be, not below the ground marked by a stone. Hopefully some day I can go out there and throw some flowers into the wind.

Rest in Peace Sandy ♥

Monday, April 5, 2010


disclaimer: i'm just writing this because i need to vent. so if you don't care to hear me rant about my BD, feel free to click the "back" button on your browser.

the last i heard from this mf was back in october. when he told me "fuck you" for asking him to help me pay HIS outstanding daycare balance. then apparently he got locked up, still don't know exactly when or what for. he never had his family contact me to tell me that, except after he'd been locked up for a couple months already and only because he expected me to do him the "favor" of signing a release for his property and using his $1280 to co-sign his bond. but he couldn't pay daycare AND said fuck me? nah, fuck YOU bitch.

so today daycare called me and said " i just wanted to let you know their father was just up here."

*record skips*

OH? so you just gonna pop up outta nowhere huh? no phone call apologizing or even to simply say "hey, i'm out now and i'd like to see the kids." just pop up right? smh... according to my kids, he said he was going to pick them up this saturday and take them shopping and to a carnival, and wrote his phone number down and gave it to my daughter, trying to act like he didn't know my number. word? so you can give your brother-in-law my phone number and have some dude i don't even know email me asking a favor on your behalf and you want ME to call YOU? muthafucka what?

i refuse.

IF this bitch really intends to do this "carnival and shopping" excursion with them, after the way he left shit, it is HIS job to contact ME and arrange that shit. i am SO gotdamn sick of him thinking that being a parent is optional and he can just come and go in and out of their life as he pleases. i am a parent EVERY SINGLE DAY. and because i am, i know that it's important for my children to have their father in their life. but not the way he goes about it. no sir. not gonna work. i have given him too many chances to be an ACTUAL father to them and he fucks it up every time. before i let him take them ANYWHERE, he will have to do the following:

- get his name on their birth certificates.
- agree to scheduled visits (they have NEVER spent a whole weekend with him since i left him 4 years ago)
- contribute atleast half towards daycare, school supplies, and clothing.
- agree to keep all conversations strictly related to the children.
- focus more on spending time with THEM and not whatever his hustle of the moment is.

if he can't comply with any of that, then FUCK HIM. my kids deserve to feel like their father gives a damn, not to be treated like they are optional in the life of someone they love. i'm tired of the drama and i'm tired of seeing them disappointed. i know i can't MAKE him do any of those things, but i can let him know i am NOT playing with his ass, at all.

he knows i pick them up around 6:30pm so i'm sure by now, he's aware that i have his phone number. but my number hasn't changed in years so let's see if Saturday comes and they hear from him or not. i doubt it. but what sucks is, my kids don't. and for their sake, i'd like him to prove me wrong this once. but i just don't see it happening.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time and not have procreated with HIM. but then my kids wouldn't be the ones i have now and i can't imagine that. i absolutely LOVE being THEIR mommy. i guess in being young and making decisions when blinded by "love" (realized too late that was SO not what love is) there's no way to see these things coming. but regardless, this is the hand i've dealt myself, good thing i can fold at any time AND walk away with all the chips... sucks to be him.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter.....?

This may be the wrong day, or the perfect day, to say this but... Easter confuses me, well religion in general really. My father is an atheist and my mother only made an attempt to bring us to church steady for like a month and we never went back.

When it came to religion, there really was none in our house. No saying grace at dinner, even on holidays. No praying at night. Nobody telling me to believe in God or that God will make everything alright. None of that. All I knew was there were churches and people went to them to praise God, whom nobody has ever seen. But does that mean he doesn't exist? I couldn't tell you. For a long time it was more my father occasionally convincing me he doesn't exist than it was anyone trying to convince me he does. And it wasn't like my father said "God doesn't exist and neither does the devil so don't you ever believe they do." It was just things he would say when people mentioned God on t.v. or on the news thanking God nobody was hurt during a bank robbery- stuff like that. He'd sarcastically say "Oh right, that was ALL God. It had nothing to do with maybe the robber just wanted money and didn't want to shoot anyone." And to me, that felt like an accurate assessment of the situation. Like I couldn't picture a criminal standing there with a gun, hand on the trigger and God came down and interfered in some way. It seemed more likely to me that the man was just greedy, not violent. It wasn't until I got older that I even knew what an atheist was.

So all the while I have my father making points as to how God doesn't exist, I had nobody compelling me to believe he did. And since we are all products of our environment, I grew up leaning more towards the belief that there is no God. I had too many unanswered questions.

"Could he have existed at some point?" Sure.

"But is a spirit living in the sky pulling puppet strings on lives down here NOW, and has been for thousands of years?" In order to believe that, I'd have to believe in ghosts and that magic is real.

"If God made everything, then who made him? Where did HE come from?" More magic?

"If he only created earth, then "who" created the other planets? And stars in the sky? Am I supposed to believe God existed before the sun and the moon did?" How?

"Jesus died for ME?" I never even met him, I wasn't there, and I didn't ask him to so.... o_O

"If Jesus didn't give his life then..." (complete this sentence for me because I don't know)

"HOW do you resurrect ANYONE from the dead?" I need answers. Let me know, I have a few deceased loved ones I'd like to kick it with today. Must be nice, Jesus.

I'm supposed to believe all of these things because there is a book written stating it to be so.... why? Anybody can write a book, anyone can tell a story. How do we know what is fact or fiction without asking the author? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here making a mockery of it. I genuinely would appreciate an explanation. Like I seriously want someone to answer these questions for me, because so far in my 28 years of living, nobody has. Everyone's answer was always "just because... that's the way it is.... it's in the Bible... girl I don't know... etc..." Well sorry but that's not good enough. I just don't understand how people can be so gung-ho fanatic for something they can't even explain to me. Do I pray? Yes. Am I doing it because I really expect God to hear me and carry out my wishes? Not exactly.

I believe there is an energy, a force, a fate and a spirit that lives IN US. I can FEEL it but I think it mostly comes from within. My positive attitude has everything to do with me and the way I choose to see life. I don't feel like a divine spirit lays hands on me and calms my soul when times are hard. I use my mind to reason with myself and say "This is life. Things happen. But it will get better." Because that is the outlook I choose to have. Now there are some twists of fate and incidents that set your life on a different course that you have no control over. And that I can't explain, but who can? Is it just convenient to say "That ain't nothin but God (or the devil) girl." and call it day? I do believe there is SOMETHING but do I have to say it's God simply because just about everybody else does? I don't believe in ghosts so I can't justify it to myself.

I had a friend who asked me to come to church with her when I was 17 and I said "Girl I don't believe in God." You woulda thought I said "I just fucked 5 dudes last night." the way her face looked. "What?! Girl... why?" Then I asked her the questions I posed earlier in this post and she didn't have much to say. What I wanted to ask her was "How would your God feel knowing you fuck a married man while shouting "Oh God!" and then go sit up in church shouting praise to him? Hmm?" And she was 25 or 26 years old at the time, plenty old enough to know better. I've see too much hypocrisy and contradictory shit from so-called "saved" people. Religion itself seems contradictory, there are all these things you are not "supposed" to do, or you are considered a sinner. BUT if you happen to do it, and confess/ask for forgiveness- it's all good. And then when you die, your soul is judged again? Then your spirit goes to heaven or hell? And then what? NOBODY KNOWS.


If you can find me someone who has been to heaven or hell, I'd like to meet them.

There is a saying: "It is better to live life like God does exist and find out he doesn't, than to live like he doesn't exist and find out he does."

Well, if that's the case... then I'm good. I conduct myself morally better than some "devoted Christians" I know my damn self. I have never betrayed anyone, I treat people how they treat me, I don't judge anyone, I'm not a thief or murderer, I'm honest, I am a great mother, I have a positive attitude and I don't take a second of life for granted. Just because I don't know who/what hears me when I pray/send my energy out, doesn't make me less worthy of any blessings or good fortune I may receive. I devote my life to LIVING IT THE BEST I CAN, not to please God or Christ or Peter or whoever. And if there are pearly gates, and they want to hold that against me when my day comes- but forgive a murderer or child molester and let them in just because they said "I'm sorry, please forgive me."- then I didn't want to roam eternally amongst hypocrits anyway.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged". Matt. 7:1

Hmmm.... So, Jesus can't get mad at ME because nobody has facts and examples, right? Not my fault. All I know is when I went to google images and typed in "easter" to pull a pic for this post, out of the first 20 pics, only 2 were of the cross where Jesus "gave his life for us"..... and the rest were colored eggs and bunnies.

I'm about to go eat some jelly beans.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


currently on repeat...

LOVE it.

"i tip on alligators, and little rattlesnakers, but i'm another flavor, somethin like a terminator..."

*dances on the table*

the man and i play this shit TO DEATH. daily.

"no matter how hard the times may seem. don't give up our plans, don't give up our dreams, no broken bridges can turn us around, cuz what we're searchin for will soon be found."