Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm Such a Genius

So I got into a car accident last year, and it was actually my fault for once. At first I was scared to death because:

1. I had no car insurance.

2. My registration was expired.

3. My license was suspended.

(now THAT'S ridin dirty for yo ass!)

It was my daughter's birthday, and I was going to get her cake and decorations. My ace Jackie was in the car with me and we were coming from Taco Bell. I had a soft taco in my lap and I was about to squirt some sauce on it, but I wanted to look down first to make sure I wasn't aiming the sauce packet at my jeans and in that split second I hear "Oh my God!"


I look up and had just clipped THE SHIT outta somebody's rear passenger side. So being that I had no valid license, no insurance, and an expired registration... I start spazzin out.

"Oh my god! Jackie! I hit that car! I'm goin to jail! I can't go to jail man it's (my daughter's) birthday! What do I do?!?!" and no, I did not stop. Not because I didn't care or was only worried about myself, but I noticed right on the corner there was the damn police! So at that point I'm like if I don't pull off into a secluded area ASAP my ass is goin to jail.

This lady pulls up along side me and says "You know you just hit that car back there right?"

"Of course I know I hit the damn car!"

"Well he said he's gonna follow you."

"Good! He can follow me right over there."

*points to parking lot behind Burger King*

Okay so I somehow miraculously rolled past the po-po with the front of my van all smashed up without them noticing, and pulled waaay in the cut of the parking lot, noticing the car I hit following me. And I know this is gonna sound kinda effed-up but I said, "Jackie, oh my God. What if I just hit a white person? They will call the police on me girl!" So the car rolls up next to me and *whew!* no white folks *thank you JESUS*

At first the lil man looks a lil pissed off then I saunter my ass out the van, apologizing profusely asking if everyone is okay... and this old perv is checkin me OUT. But a bitch is in a sticky situation so I'ma take advantage. So I says "Listen, I'm not even gonna lie to you. I have no insurance and my license is supsended so if you call the police I will go to jail and *points at my children* it's my daughter's birthday and I can't be going to jail, I just can't."

His response to me was, "Well I'm not gon lie to you either sweetheart. I was drinkin a beer when you hit me and that shit went ALL OVER the place so I ain't even TRYIN to call the police so it's alright. Listen, this ain't even my car. I will just tell my friend that I came out of the store and it was like this, like it was a hit and run."


"For real?! Oh thank you sooo much! *hugs the man* Hold on, please take this for your troubles *hands him 50 bucks* and you be safe okay?"

"No problem darlin."

Yeah, I was lucky AS HELL. But the fucked up part about all of this is that I don't even fuck with Taco Bell like that. The reason I pulled into Taco Bell was because I saw a cop at the light behind the one I was sitting at (yes I was on point like that lol) so as soon as his shit turned green, he'd be up on my ass. Think quick bitch. Ah, hello Taco Bell parking lot. So I turn in there. Wouldn't yall know this bastard decides to take a short cut through that parking lot RIGHT BEHIND me. Now I just knew he was gonna get me, but he went around and left out the back. But he could still see me so in order to avoid looking more suspicious I pulled into the drive-thru. And ordered some tacos.

Fuck you Taco Bell.

Okay so it was really MY fault for not paying full attention but fuck Taco Bell anyways.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I'm Not Playin With a Full Deck

- when i get a drink from a fast food place i MUST push in all the bubbles on the lid.

- i dont make my bed in the morning, but i make it before i climb in to sleep at night.

- whenever i order a burger i always make sure to say "no pickles, no tomato, and no onions." yeah, what kinda damn burger is that huh? well thats how i like it! bitch. what.

- if any topping besides pepperoni is on my pizza, i pick it off.

- you will never know im on my period unless i tell u because my mood does NOT change. but if i do so happen to feel like being a bitch during my period, i will blame it on that. even tho it's just me being a bitch.

- i remix everything for no reason. i've even sang "throw some cheese on that bitch" at the wendy's drive thru speaker once... and i was sober.

- i break dishes when im really upset. then go outside and sweep it up and magically feel better. weird.

- i refuse to eat a hot wing from any major pizza chain like pizza hut, domino's, papa johns... etc. they look microwaved and chewy.

- i sincerely believe my fried chicken is better than justin's. thats right diddy. i said it. take dat, take dat.

- im at work rite now and gettin upset when the phone rings like THIS rite here is my job duty and THAT is just an interruption. the nerve.

- i know spanish but pretend i dont. "huh? um no hablo espanol." then listen to see if a bitch is talkin about me. "¿quĂ© dice puta?" yeah. thats what i thought.

- i have real life violent tendencies after playin mortal kombat for too long. like i just wanna walk up to somebody n liu kang they ass for no reason.

- i make fun of white people. and im white. but im sorry, i just dont understand why mufuckas feel the need to wrestle alligators for fun n shit. like "this thing could kill me but aw hell, c'mere lil fella... yeah open that jaw full of razor sharp teeth and jump at me buddy. woooooo!!"

dear friends and family,

we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of bob. he was a brave, brave man. but by golly george, he sure was a slow summabitch.

way to go bob.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Ladies & Gentlemen

Alrite yall. After being told so many times that I need to write a book... I'm writing a book. To sum it up, it's a motivational/inspirational/ comical/ get your mind right book for women. At the end there will be poetry, for those in need of something to relate to at certain times in life.

Men please don't stop reading and run away lol, I'ma need your help too. Just hold on a minute pretty please :)

Ladies, I'd like to know:

What do you love most about being a woman? Least?
What is the most valuable lesson you've learned about life so far?
Any favorite quotes or words of advice?

Gentlemen, I'm also dedicating a chapter to you :) So, I'd like to know:

What do you like most in a woman? Least?
What is the hardest thing about being a man?
How do you let a female know you're not interested? (it could be verbally or non-verbally)

The reason I'm throwing in a chapter about men is because I'm tired of bitches making the wrong decisions and assumptions about men and I'd like to break it down and set the record straight.

Because I'm a fair person and that's what I do son.

Anyone helping me on this will receive honorable mention in the book. Not like it's gonna make the New York Times Best Seller List (never know tho lol) but still, I give credit where credit is due.

Tell a friend to tell a friend, the more feedback the better. Thank you in advance!


P.S. Any random sex talk is welcome (and encouraged) also. Hey, you knew THAT was coming :)

Monday, January 12, 2009

If I Were A Boy...

One of my best friends tells me sometimes that I'm like a man. She once complained that she wanted to initiate some sexy time with her man but that he wasn't responsive because a football game was on and she couldn't understand how he would rather watch a game than have sex with her.

I said "Listen, you don't mess with a man while the game is on. You just don't. You gotta respect the love of football heffer. You got your shows you watch and don't wanna be bothered til it's over right?"

Her response to that was, "Oh fuck you, you would say some shit like that, you just like a nigga anyways, ya old mannish ass." and started laughing... but she added, "yeah, you right though."

I know :)

We gotta be fair. Take for example this weekend on Saturday night I planned to suprise my man with some lingerie when he walked in the door. He got home sooner than I expected and I was just barely out of the shower so I was like "damn." Then he poked his head in the door and handed me a bag of some tees he bought me and watched me pull them out of the bag as I kept sayin, "awww thank you baby." lol. Then he says "And I got THIS." and pulls out the Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game for xbox 360 and told me he would be downstairs playing the game while I finished up in the bathroom. Did this upset me that he threw a monkey wrench in my plans? Hell nah. It's not like I made him aware of my intentions... plus I ain't even gon lie, I been wanting that game ever since I saw the commercial last month lmao.

So... I still put on my lingerie and my heels and sauntered my ass downstairs to the living room and announced as he saw me come in the room, "That's right muthafucka. I just got sexy to come down here and beat yo ass! Gimme that joystick." and sat my ass down right next to him on the floor and played a video game in a satin robe, lingerie, and stilletos like what. After a lil while, he tugged on my robe like he wanted a peak.

I said "What? You wanna see what I got up under here don't you?"

He just smiled, his lil mischievous smile that I love. So I untied my robe, showed him and was like "So, you done with the game now?" and he said "Hell yeah. That's for kids, I wanna handle some grown folk business."

And away we went upstairs...

(no details, that's what my other blog is for lol)

So you see? Every girl needs a little "boy" in them every now and then. You can have a healthy balance of the two. It's a good thing in a relationship to put yourself in your man's shoes every once in a while. It's not good to have that "It's all about me." attitude. Then when your ass is sitting alone somewhere it really will be all about you because nobody else will be there lol.

So if I were a boy... would I be all that different than I am now? Maybe. But not by much.

Friday, January 9, 2009

New Blog (X-Rated)

Alrite it's no secret that I love, love, love me some sex but I know everyone may not really care to read all my freaky business so I set up a new blog, Let's Get It On. Nothing but sexual content/ advice/ tips, etc... and the more "regular" things I have to say will be here (but I'm not all that regular or normal either lol).

So check me out... follow... whatever you like :)

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Porn Bailout?

LOS ANGELES, Jan. 7 (Xinhua) -- Two executives of the U.S. adult entertainment industry on Wednesday called for a financial bailout from Washington, arguing that their business is as important for Americans as the banking and auto industries.
Pornographic magazine Hustler's publisher Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" adult franchise founder Joe Francis said in a statement that they have sent a joint request to Congress asking for a 5-billion-dollar federal bailout to help the industry weather difficult financial times.
While the adult entertainment industry is still viable amid the current economic recession, the sagging economy has had an impact, the publishers said.
According to them, adult DVD sales and rentals have decreased by 22 percent in the past year, and viewers are increasingly turning to the Internet for adult entertainment.
About half of all Internet users visit adult-entertainment sites, Flynt and Francis said.
They said that Congress seems willing to help shore up the nation's most important businesses, and the adult entertainment industry deserves the same consideration.
"In difficult economic times, Americans turn to entertainment for relief," said Francis. "More and more, the kind of entertainment they turn to is adult entertainment."
However, Flynt thought that economic hardships are damping Americans' appetite for sex.
"People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said. "This is very unhealthy as a nation.
Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."
"It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly," he said.
On one hand I wanna say "stop the madness" but on the other, I'ma have to say...
I got 5 on it!!
No, really... I'm ALL for the porn but no way in hell is that shit goin down.
He does raise an interesting point though... "Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."
Hmmm... have transportation... or have sex? Is it sad that that's a really hard decision for me?
I would be the happiest bitch you ever seen on the sidewalk, just a skippin to work.

You Can't Be Serious

ATLANTA -- After a wave of upset e-mails from viewers, 11Alive News is asking Atlanta city leaders why, in the midst of a budget crisis and citywide furloughs, are they pushing two pieces of legislation regarding baggy pants. Both a proposed ordinance and a resolution have been submitted to the city council's Public Safety Committee. Members meet Tuesday, January 13, to discuss them and other topics on the agenda. City Councilman C.T. Martin has long fought to reduce the number of young men who wear pants that sit well below their waist and often show their underwear. He believes that it is a city matter because it is happening on the streets of Atlanta and sends a bad message.
"We on the Public Safety Committee tackle a number of issues affecting our young people -- drugs, gangs, graffiti. This is one of those things that hinders who they can become," said Martin.
But overwhelmingly the people responding to believe the city has far bigger issues to tackle right now. Someone by the screen name vincentharris said, " about solving ANYTHING besides this. Who CARES????" Another comment by someone called q. ragsdale wrote, "..shouldn't these councilmen worry about something else, like, say a BALANCED BUDGET and furloughed workers?" 11Alive News asked Councilman Martin whether the discussion of baggy pants should even be taking up time during Public Safety Committee meetings. He said yes, because that group is responsible for the streets and the look of the streets.
According to the Associated Press, the proposed ordinance would "make it illegal to expose one's undergarments in a public setting." The measure would be included in an ordinance already on the books which bans simulated acts of intercourse and exposing or touching one's genitals or breasts. If approved, anyone found in violation of the rule could be fined up to $100 and given eight hours of community service. Martin also just submitted a proposed resolution that he says would be a way to continue the discussion of banning baggy pants and limiting offensive dress and offensive language among colleges, schools, neighborhoods and places of worship.

Now this just pisses me off. With all the homeless people in the streets of Atlanta, these mufuckas worrying about how much of somebody draws are showing in public? Fuck you. Fuck you C.T. Martin (whom by the way is a Black man- just in case you were wondering if it was some old cracker jack who proposed this bullshit lol) for wasting my tax dollars on THIS. When I saw this on the news last night I was in disbelief that this is a matter of PUBLIC SAFETY? Fuck outta here yo. There is SOOO much more to worry about! SOOO much more things to spend time on correcting. What's next? Yall gon cite me for exposing my bra strap? There are so many things I can say but all I can think right now is...
Ya gon too far Biggs, ya gon too far.
(i love shottas lol)

Friday, January 2, 2009

When You Have To Shit at Work...

Yes this is random as hell. But I am a bitch just full of random advice, lucky you lol.

Okay it happens to us all, we're at work and *uh-oh* we have to shit. How do we make this awkward event less uncomfortable for ourselves and others? Basically by exercising your common courtesy (and common sense).

Now, I can't speak for the men cuz I assume they could care less about shitting at work so they don't even need to read this but listen up bitches.

If your work bathroom is set up in the manner of a public bathroom (with stalls):

1. Do not talk to the person in the stall next to you in an attempt to distract them from the funk you are creating, it makes it even more awkward (yes, i had a bitch do this to me). And if a bitch starts talkin to you, and you don't know her like that, I'm sorry there just isn't anything you can do about that.

2. Use the furthest stall from the door, please.

3. Always, and I mean always, keep a travel size bottle of body spray or something else fragrant in your purse, take it to the bathroom with you when you are for certain you are going to take a shit... and kindly use it.

4. If someone walks in while you're in the process, hide your feet old school style for it may very well be a bitch who would love to go back to her desk and stop and tell a few folks on the way "Yo, so and so is blowin the bathroom up." (I've witnessed this as well, and on one occasion was even the one guilty of spreading the word, sorry I couldn't help it that heffa used to get on my nerves wit her redneck self lmao.)

5. If you are washing your hands, about to leave and someone comes in and says "Dayum!"... play along.

"Girl, I know right?"

Hey, they can't prove a damn thing after the fact. But the odds of this happening are FAR less if you abide by Rule #3, understand?

If your work bathroom is set up privately (one toilet and a sink):
1. Lock the damn door. (poor me, I've walked in on a shitty bitch just cuz she forgot to lock the mufuckin door)

2. If there is a fan in there, turn it on and run the sink water to create somewhat of a sound barrier just in case your ass suddenly decides to make unpleasant noise.

3. If your job does not stock air freshener in the bathroom, please see Rule #3 above. You should always have some type of smell goods in your purse anyways.

4. If you are unable to follow Rule #3 and someone is waiting their turn to use the bathroom, there is no way you can play this off, sorry. I suggest you make light of the situation by pulling an Ace Ventura, "Whoooo! do NOT go in there!" or else you'll just have to shamefully hurry off.

Now one thing applies to any situation, try your best not to leave any gaps between the seat and your ass in an effort to keep any aroma from escaping, and (this is gonna sound quite raunchy but...) as soon as "the kid jumps in the pool"... flush. Fuck if you haven't wiped yet, that ain't your water bill, flush that bitch much as you want to lol.

Oh yes and of course WASH YO GOTDAMN HANDS!! At my old job this beeotch took a shit, came out the stall, talked to us for a minute and then just went back to her desk. Ol' shitty fingertip ass bitch.