Yes this is random as hell. But I am a bitch just full of random advice, lucky you lol.
Okay it happens to us all, we're at work and *uh-oh* we have to shit. How do we make this awkward event less uncomfortable for ourselves and others? Basically by exercising your common courtesy (and common sense).
Now, I can't speak for the men cuz I assume they could care less about shitting at work so they don't even need to read this but listen up bitches.
If your work bathroom is set up in the manner of a public bathroom (with stalls):
1. Do not talk to the person in the stall next to you in an attempt to distract them from the funk you are creating, it makes it even more awkward (yes, i had a bitch do this to me). And if a bitch starts talkin to you, and you don't know her like that, I'm sorry there just isn't anything you can do about that.
2. Use the furthest stall from the door, please.
3. Always, and I mean always, keep a travel size bottle of body spray or something else fragrant in your purse, take it to the bathroom with you when you are for certain you are going to take a shit... and kindly use it.
4. If someone walks in while you're in the process, hide your feet old school style for it may very well be a bitch who would love to go back to her desk and stop and tell a few folks on the way "Yo, so and so is blowin the bathroom up." (I've witnessed this as well, and on one occasion was even the one guilty of spreading the word, sorry I couldn't help it that heffa used to get on my nerves wit her redneck self lmao.)
5. If you are washing your hands, about to leave and someone comes in and says "Dayum!"... play along.
"Girl, I know right?"
Hey, they can't prove a damn thing after the fact. But the odds of this happening are FAR less if you abide by Rule #3, understand?
If your work bathroom is set up privately (one toilet and a sink):
1. Lock the damn door. (poor me, I've walked in on a shitty bitch just cuz she forgot to lock the mufuckin door)
2. If there is a fan in there, turn it on and run the sink water to create somewhat of a sound barrier just in case your ass suddenly decides to make unpleasant noise.
3. If your job does not stock air freshener in the bathroom, please see Rule #3 above. You should always have some type of smell goods in your purse anyways.
4. If you are unable to follow Rule #3 and someone is waiting their turn to use the bathroom, there is no way you can play this off, sorry. I suggest you make light of the situation by pulling an Ace Ventura, "Whoooo! do NOT go in there!" or else you'll just have to shamefully hurry off.
Now one thing applies to any situation, try your best not to leave any gaps between the seat and your ass in an effort to keep any aroma from escaping, and (this is gonna sound quite raunchy but...) as soon as "the kid jumps in the pool"... flush. Fuck if you haven't wiped yet, that ain't your water bill, flush that bitch much as you want to lol.
Oh yes and of course WASH YO GOTDAMN HANDS!! At my old job this beeotch took a shit, came out the stall, talked to us for a minute and then just went back to her desk. Ol' shitty fingertip ass bitch.