Satisfaction Guaranteed

There was a discussion on twitter yesterday about women "faking it" and I don't know how the topic got brought up but it got me to thinking...

WHY?

Why would a woman feel the need to fake an orgasm? I wish I would. No ma'am. If you are not being satisfied, do NOT pretend you are. I've never (knock on good wood) been in the position to call for faking so MAYBE I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe women fake it for the sake of preserving the man's ego, I don't know... but fuck that. I would think that giving a man the impression that he is putting it on you, when in fact he is not, is only going to make it worse for the both of you. You get neglected while he gets his but he thinks he's "the man" because you faked it, so he's just going to keep doing what he does (poorly) while your vagina goes to sleep with an attitude :( And then when you stop dealing with him, he will do this to the next chick as well because he felt like it worked on you, look out for your fellow womankind and don't allow this to happen.

I know everyone has a different stance when it comes to sex. Some people don't mind casual sex, others do. Some people feel like a mutual attraction is enough of a reason to have sex. I personally can't get down like that because I'm not gambling with my sex. I just refuse. I like it too much and take it too serious to risk wasting it on wack penis. I will be PISSED off if I get all hype and aroused and then be stuck looking like "that's it?" Like, I will seriously have an attitude so it's just best if I make sure it will be an enjoyable experience in order to prevent shit from getting ugly. That is why I have a process...

I know this is 2010 and times have changed but, for me, there are certain things that need to be in alignment before I allow a man access to my love below. First of all, we need to establish a mutual respect, love, and friendship for one another. Because when it's all said and done, I want your penis and my vagina to love and respect each other and be like best friends as well. But there are a few more things that need to be evaluated before I determine if a man is...

Okay, we're cool. We respect each other. We love each other (not saying IN love, but there needs to be some type of love). But if that's all it takes in order to justify me giving up the drawls, I would have fucked every single one of my friends by now. So um, yeah. I need more to go on than that.

So the next thing I look at is the way he "threatens me" to build up my anticipation of having sex with him. I know "talk is cheap" but I like to talk shit and I need to know how a man talks his shit. There are certain things a man says that will TELL you (for the most part) if he knows what he's doing or not. For example, if you are having a conversation with someone about... oh let's say politics... and the depth of their convo consists of the same shit you hear on the news, they haven't done any research of their own. Same goes for sex. A man who lacks knowledge on the skills of eating pussy probably wouldn't think to say, "I'll lick you slow until you shake and your pussy throbs on my tongue while you cum." (more than likely, he has caused a woman to experience this before) A man who is just "talking shit" will say something like, "Yeah I'll eat that pussy for hours until you can't take it anymore." (more than likely, he HAS to lick at a pussy for forever because nothing has happened yet, and then she just tells him to stop... or fakes it, I guess) A man with ACTUAL skills won't need "hours" to have you backing up across the bed leaking. Okay, onto the next phase...

By this time, I want to fuck (yeah I'm vulgar, oh well), BUT I need to know what you're working with. So I give the yellow light. I want to feel how you touch me, how you kiss me, etc. before I let you handle my vagina. And I'm going to touch you back because I want to know what you're packing. What I'm going to say next may sound awful but I really don't care. If it doesn't feel like it's capable of damage, I don't want it and I won't accept it. I won't be rude about it but I'm just saying... it's not happening. Not that day or any other day. This is why I prefer we be friends first, so I can say, "I don't know what we're doing, we can't do this. We would be better keeping the friendship we have." Yeah, I already said I know that's awful but oh the hell well. If you don't want to be my friend because I won't fuck you, then fuck you :)

Okay, now if I like what I felt and saw... you can get the green light. But not right that moment. We'll have to call it a day (or night) and part ways, but I will arrange to see you the next day. I may be a tease but I have good intentions. Because I guarantee you that next day, all we can think about is the night before and how we are going to ravish each other, so when it finally goes down- it goes DOWN. And will continue to do so because: 1) the love, respect, and friendship was already established, and 2) the sex is great.

I like sex too much to get it sporadically. I'm fully capable of busting nuts all by my lonesome if need be. I'd rather go without a man in the equation altogether until I find the right person to enjoy it with. For some people, that may sound like I'm depriving myself but I feel like there are certain things that are worth my patience. And my vagina's well-being and happiness is one of them. After being with my kids' father for 6 years, when I left him, I went 7 consecutive months (damn that sounds like a jail sentence) without sex, until I met someone who captured my interest, and I applied the above "process." He satisfied all requirements, and we have been together ever since. So, going over half a year without penis in my life resulted in having frequent (and fabulous) sex with a man who loves and respects me, and is like my best friend, for over 4 years and counting... sounds like a win in my book.

If that's not what you're looking for at this time, cool. Everyone is different and I know that. This is just the best way I know of to reduce the risk of experiencing disappointing sex (or disappointing relationships). I have more to say but this is already longer than I intended so I'll just end it on that note.

Reality... Check Please!

Today I'd like to discuss separating emotion from logic. Some people are walking through life confused. Some people seem to think that "just fucking" someone is the equivalent to being in a relationship. And there are some people who confuse being in a relationship with being married.

MOST of these confused people are females. Not saying that men don't do it, but women are definitely more guilty of it due to our emotional nature, I believe. But let me break a few things down that I've seen/ learned over the years.

I would like to address the "fuck buddy" issue first. Okay... having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding that is indeed what they have. If you are allowing a man access to your lady parts, it is your responsibility to know what type of man you're dealing with and what you are willing to accept from him. If you are perfectly fine with it just being a sex thing, that's on you- just use protection please. But if you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might (definitely) want to make sure he's on the same page.

If there is never an agreement reached that two people are in a relationship, it isn't a relationship- no matter how long it's been going on. So ladies, you don't have the right to:

1. question him regarding his whereabouts.
2. get mad at him for not answering his phone/ returning your calls in a timely manner.
3. accuse him of "cheating" on you.
4. be upset if he flirts (or even has sex) with  someone else.
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it.

These are just a few but you get my point. Don't just assume a role in a man's life, step away from your emotions and analyze the situation- know where you stand. Once you know that, it is up to you to sit down and be comfortable in that role, or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings. If you feel like a man is "playing you" and want to call him an asshole or whatever, ask yourself if you allowed it by continuing to deal with him disappointment after disappointment. If you did, then you need to point the finger at yourself- you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better. Just because a man isn't ready to settle down, doesn't make him an asshole. Now if he lied to you or mislead you, then yes he's an asshole (unless he's done it more than once already- you should be on your toes at this point). But if you saw red flags and ignored them anyway, you are the one to blame. Most of the time, a female will get mad at a man for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt, so instinctively, they just get upset. But perhaps she should pump her brakes and realize that the person she needs to be upset with, is herself.

If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things, that's her fault. You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool, but which one makes more sense? Okay then. The bottom line is if you're not his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect and common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is being a cozy place for him to put his dick from time to time.

I was going to address how some people in relationships tend to confuse it with the equivalent to a marriage, but seeing how long this post already is, I will just write a Part 2 next week (hopefully).

Welp...

I'm gonna come back to blogging from here until further notice.

At my other site, I was using a company to edit/design my blog and paying them $4.99/month for that "privilege" and when they went to automatically deduct the payment from my card in June, I forgot to put money on it so they just pretty much gave me the finger and reverted my page to blankness over the price of a five dollar footlong.

And then said that even if I start it back up again, I would be starting from scratch, so I lost my layout and my posts... ugh. And I seriously don't have the time nor patience to do all that shit over again right now. I still own my domain name and all that but I can only use their default templates which look like garbage to me, so no thanks, I can just do that from here so what's the point?

I hadn't even blogged since April anyway, haven't really been in a writing mood. Can't even say when I'll post from here again honestly but a few people asked me "what happened to your blog?" so I figured I'd post this in case anyone else was wondering.

Anyway... all is well and I'll try to post again soon :)

Moving Right Along

Yeah, I know yesterday I said "fuck everything that's gonna distract me." But this blog isn't a distraction, it's my happy place sometimes. It's like my e-baby, I can't neglect it lol. Plus I have about 20 minutes before I start my exercise :)

Sooo.... I have been blogging for over a year now, and even though I don't post nearly as often as I'd like to, I enjoy writing SO much. I've been writing since I was 12 years old. Little stories, poems, random things that come to mind. Well last year I finally started working on a book. I don't even have a chapter complete yet but I have been doing ALOT of thinking in the past 24 hours and have decided that even though my free time is limited, I am going to make more of a commitment to my book and my writing in general. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to become published and be an actual writer some day. Whether I sell 5 copies or 50,000 copies, I don't care. (That's a lie, who wouldn't like to sell MORE of anything with their name on it? lol) But just the accomplishment would feel like success to me. Of course if a profit were to ever come into the equation, you won't hear me complain.

Well my hunny has been working on his website all week and it looks pretty damn nice I must say. He suggested that I get one and I was thinking "eh, for what? i already have a blog up and running." BUT... this is really blogger's blog. I'm just using it. Considering that and seeing how his site is coming together, I decided to buy a domain name tonight and will be moving my blog to my own site :) Now I feel a bit more "established" and motivated to crank this book out. Ahhh it will be most exhilerating! *prince akeem voice*

And since he has a degree in graphic design, he's gonna help me make it all fly and stuff. But I'm not going to post the URL until it looks like I didn't just move in that bitch. So stay tuned!!!

First Things First

1st: Please follow my sister from another mister's blog "Her Name is Fiyah" I promise you won't regret it. She has recently committed to updating it regularly, and she is made of the truth and sheer awesomeness, so skip on over there and show her some love! (or I'll be forced to thrash you.)

2nd: "30 Days ON" <------------ my new "program." I made the shit up like, 10 minutes ago. If you are currently frustrated about a situation: tackle that muthafucka, push its face in the dirt, run an interception, spike a touchdown and do yo dance on hoes. Because um... that's what I'm about to do. For the next 30 days... I will be minimizing all distractions, I'm only making time for success-oriented activities. I don't give a fuck if a Law & Order SVU Marathon is on, I will walk away and search jobs online instead. Fuck twitter. Fuck facebook. Fuck people wasting my time. Just fuck anything that isn't necessary.

3rd: That's about it. Feel free to join me in my "fuck everything for 30 days" plan.

(I also plan to clean up my potty mouth during this time.)

Tis all, love yall :)

Gone But Never Forgotten

April 9, 1998

I came home from school, sat on the couch and played some Tekken 3 with my sister. About an hour later my father walked in the door.........

His eyes were bloodshot and puffy and his face was red, he had the most defeated look on his face and I knew something was wrong.

"Sandy.... is gone." he said.

We stood up and asked him, "Gone? What do you mean gone?"

He burst into tears and said, "She's dead, she's dead."

My sister and I cried in a panic, "No! What do you mean? How? What?!"

Then my stepbrother, her son, came out of his room in a daze. "What did you just say?"

My father turned to him, "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't know you were home already. She..... she killed herself."

It seemed like we all crumbled to the floor at the same time. My father, staring into space. My sister crying. I grabbed the closest thing to me (a bandana) and ripped it in half screaming "Why! Why did she do that?! No, no, no... she didn't do that!" My stepbrother punched the wall, then slid down it, shaking his back and forth over and over. Everyone in disbelief.

I can't imagine how hard it was for my father to tell us that his wife just committed suicide... at the mall. She landed 60 feet below the movie theaters.... 20 feet away from children waiting in line to see the Easter Bunny. The same mall my brother was at buying sneakers with his girlfriend when it happened, but he didn't know it was her.

My father paged him, he called back from a payphone inside the mall. My Dad asked him where he was.

"Carousel Mall with Tanya, I was in Foot Locker and they said some lady just killed herself here a little while ago, isn't that crazy?"

My father (not wanting to tell him over the phone, especially where he was): "Yes, can you guys come home? I have to tell you something important but I need to tell you in person."

The phone rings again and I answered it.

"Sandy?"

It was one of her best friends, I guess we sounded alike on the phone. I said "No.... this isn't..." and just started sobbing as I told her what happened. I think she dropped the phone. I could hear her screaming, "NO! NO! It's not true! NO! NO! NO!" and her husband yelling "What's wrong? What happened!" Then he picked up the phone and said "Who is this?!" And I had to explain to HIM too. She wasn't able to get back on the phone after that.

That was the hardest day of my life. Before then, I had no experience in dealing with death or losing a loved one. It was on the local news and even mentioned in national news briefly. My father dropped her off at work that day, but she never went inside the building- just walked towards it so he would think she did. Apparently she then got on a bus, went to the mall, took some money out of the ATM, watched Titanic... then climbed over the rail on the movie level and ended her life. The police report was so eerie because the security guard said that he saw her as he was coming up the escalator and he yelled for her to stay where she was. She turned around, looked him in the face, then turned her back and spread her arms open as she calmly fell forward. I remember the first time she saw Titanic, she told my father, "I love that movie so much, I have to see it atleast 5 times before I die." This was months earlier, and prior to the day of her suicide, she had seen it 4 times already. It makes me wonder.... and it creeps me out because she held her arms open just like Kate Winslet when she was standing on the rail of the ship. I will never look at that movie the same again, and til this day refuse to walk through that courtyard at the mall.

Three weeks after her suicide, a young teenage boy copied her and did the same thing. The mall had to increase security guards around the center rails, it was just crazy.

My stepmother never left a note, we still don't know why she took herself from us and everyone who loved her. She was a manic-depressant and some days she would hide in bed with the lights off and call out of work. She hated her boss, he was so condescending and rude to her. She would tell him good morning and he'd walk past like he didn't even hear her. My father called him to let him know what happened and added, "If you step foot near her funeral I will fucking kill you." and the asshole had the nerve to call the cops on my Dad, the day after his wife kills herself, and say he wants to charge him with harrassment. SMH.... The police disagreed though, but the audacity of that man, ugh. It sucks that conditions at work caused her to spiral downwards like that, when she had so many people outside of her job who loved her. I know she was taking medication for a chemical imbalance, but we had no idea she felt THAT lost inside.

She was so sweet, she would spark a friendly conversation with anyone. She was even friends with my mother, I have never known an ex-wife and the new wife to actually bond and do brunch. Even celebrate Mother's Day together. I guess that makes them both remarkable women. My mother even wrote her a poem and recited it at her funeral. I am fortunate to have been influenced by two amazing women growing up. She was married to my father for 10 years, and I was 17 when she died, so she was family to me. I remember once a few months before she died, she took me to a rose garden and asked me, "Aren't the flowers pretty?" I said, "I don't know, I don't care about flowers." and she said, "What? Every woman should love flowers." So for her funeral I wore a dress with flowers on it for the first time since I was a little girl. And now I always make sure to admire them, and think of her when I do.

My father flew out to California and scattered her ashes into the ocean from her favorite place to watch the sunset, he wanted her to be remembered as a free spirit, resting where she loved to be, not below the ground marked by a stone. Hopefully some day I can go out there and throw some flowers into the wind.

Rest in Peace Sandy ♥

ugh.

disclaimer: i'm just writing this because i need to vent. so if you don't care to hear me rant about my BD, feel free to click the "back" button on your browser.

the last i heard from this mf was back in october. when he told me "fuck you" for asking him to help me pay HIS outstanding daycare balance. then apparently he got locked up, still don't know exactly when or what for. he never had his family contact me to tell me that, except after he'd been locked up for a couple months already and only because he expected me to do him the "favor" of signing a release for his property and using his $1280 to co-sign his bond. but he couldn't pay daycare AND said fuck me? nah, fuck YOU bitch.

so today daycare called me and said " i just wanted to let you know their father was just up here."

*record skips*

OH? so you just gonna pop up outta nowhere huh? no phone call apologizing or even to simply say "hey, i'm out now and i'd like to see the kids." just pop up right? smh... according to my kids, he said he was going to pick them up this saturday and take them shopping and to a carnival, and wrote his phone number down and gave it to my daughter, trying to act like he didn't know my number. word? so you can give your brother-in-law my phone number and have some dude i don't even know email me asking a favor on your behalf and you want ME to call YOU? muthafucka what?

i refuse.

IF this bitch really intends to do this "carnival and shopping" excursion with them, after the way he left shit, it is HIS job to contact ME and arrange that shit. i am SO gotdamn sick of him thinking that being a parent is optional and he can just come and go in and out of their life as he pleases. i am a parent EVERY SINGLE DAY. and because i am, i know that it's important for my children to have their father in their life. but not the way he goes about it. no sir. not gonna work. i have given him too many chances to be an ACTUAL father to them and he fucks it up every time. before i let him take them ANYWHERE, he will have to do the following:

- get his name on their birth certificates.
- agree to scheduled visits (they have NEVER spent a whole weekend with him since i left him 4 years ago)
- contribute atleast half towards daycare, school supplies, and clothing.
- agree to keep all conversations strictly related to the children.
- focus more on spending time with THEM and not whatever his hustle of the moment is.

if he can't comply with any of that, then FUCK HIM. my kids deserve to feel like their father gives a damn, not to be treated like they are optional in the life of someone they love. i'm tired of the drama and i'm tired of seeing them disappointed. i know i can't MAKE him do any of those things, but i can let him know i am NOT playing with his ass, at all.

he knows i pick them up around 6:30pm so i'm sure by now, he's aware that i have his phone number. but my number hasn't changed in years so let's see if Saturday comes and they hear from him or not. i doubt it. but what sucks is, my kids don't. and for their sake, i'd like him to prove me wrong this once. but i just don't see it happening.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time and not have procreated with HIM. but then my kids wouldn't be the ones i have now and i can't imagine that. i absolutely LOVE being THEIR mommy. i guess in being young and making decisions when blinded by "love" (realized too late that was SO not what love is) there's no way to see these things coming. but regardless, this is the hand i've dealt myself, good thing i can fold at any time AND walk away with all the chips... sucks to be him.

Happy Easter.....?

This may be the wrong day, or the perfect day, to say this but... Easter confuses me, well religion in general really. My father is an atheist and my mother only made an attempt to bring us to church steady for like a month and we never went back.

When it came to religion, there really was none in our house. No saying grace at dinner, even on holidays. No praying at night. Nobody telling me to believe in God or that God will make everything alright. None of that. All I knew was there were churches and people went to them to praise God, whom nobody has ever seen. But does that mean he doesn't exist? I couldn't tell you. For a long time it was more my father occasionally convincing me he doesn't exist than it was anyone trying to convince me he does. And it wasn't like my father said "God doesn't exist and neither does the devil so don't you ever believe they do." It was just things he would say when people mentioned God on t.v. or on the news thanking God nobody was hurt during a bank robbery- stuff like that. He'd sarcastically say "Oh right, that was ALL God. It had nothing to do with maybe the robber just wanted money and didn't want to shoot anyone." And to me, that felt like an accurate assessment of the situation. Like I couldn't picture a criminal standing there with a gun, hand on the trigger and God came down and interfered in some way. It seemed more likely to me that the man was just greedy, not violent. It wasn't until I got older that I even knew what an atheist was.

So all the while I have my father making points as to how God doesn't exist, I had nobody compelling me to believe he did. And since we are all products of our environment, I grew up leaning more towards the belief that there is no God. I had too many unanswered questions.

"Could he have existed at some point?" Sure.

"But is a spirit living in the sky pulling puppet strings on lives down here NOW, and has been for thousands of years?" In order to believe that, I'd have to believe in ghosts and that magic is real.

"If God made everything, then who made him? Where did HE come from?" More magic?

"If he only created earth, then "who" created the other planets? And stars in the sky? Am I supposed to believe God existed before the sun and the moon did?" How?

"Jesus died for ME?" I never even met him, I wasn't there, and I didn't ask him to so.... o_O

"If Jesus didn't give his life then..." (complete this sentence for me because I don't know)

"HOW do you resurrect ANYONE from the dead?" I need answers. Let me know, I have a few deceased loved ones I'd like to kick it with today. Must be nice, Jesus.

I'm supposed to believe all of these things because there is a book written stating it to be so.... why? Anybody can write a book, anyone can tell a story. How do we know what is fact or fiction without asking the author? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here making a mockery of it. I genuinely would appreciate an explanation. Like I seriously want someone to answer these questions for me, because so far in my 28 years of living, nobody has. Everyone's answer was always "just because... that's the way it is.... it's in the Bible... girl I don't know... etc..." Well sorry but that's not good enough. I just don't understand how people can be so gung-ho fanatic for something they can't even explain to me. Do I pray? Yes. Am I doing it because I really expect God to hear me and carry out my wishes? Not exactly.

I believe there is an energy, a force, a fate and a spirit that lives IN US. I can FEEL it but I think it mostly comes from within. My positive attitude has everything to do with me and the way I choose to see life. I don't feel like a divine spirit lays hands on me and calms my soul when times are hard. I use my mind to reason with myself and say "This is life. Things happen. But it will get better." Because that is the outlook I choose to have. Now there are some twists of fate and incidents that set your life on a different course that you have no control over. And that I can't explain, but who can? Is it just convenient to say "That ain't nothin but God (or the devil) girl." and call it day? I do believe there is SOMETHING but do I have to say it's God simply because just about everybody else does? I don't believe in ghosts so I can't justify it to myself.

I had a friend who asked me to come to church with her when I was 17 and I said "Girl I don't believe in God." You woulda thought I said "I just fucked 5 dudes last night." the way her face looked. "What?! Girl... why?" Then I asked her the questions I posed earlier in this post and she didn't have much to say. What I wanted to ask her was "How would your God feel knowing you fuck a married man while shouting "Oh God!" and then go sit up in church shouting praise to him? Hmm?" And she was 25 or 26 years old at the time, plenty old enough to know better. I've see too much hypocrisy and contradictory shit from so-called "saved" people. Religion itself seems contradictory, there are all these things you are not "supposed" to do, or you are considered a sinner. BUT if you happen to do it, and confess/ask for forgiveness- it's all good. And then when you die, your soul is judged again? Then your spirit goes to heaven or hell? And then what? NOBODY KNOWS.

NOBODY.

If you can find me someone who has been to heaven or hell, I'd like to meet them.

There is a saying: "It is better to live life like God does exist and find out he doesn't, than to live like he doesn't exist and find out he does."

Well, if that's the case... then I'm good. I conduct myself morally better than some "devoted Christians" I know my damn self. I have never betrayed anyone, I treat people how they treat me, I don't judge anyone, I'm not a thief or murderer, I'm honest, I am a great mother, I have a positive attitude and I don't take a second of life for granted. Just because I don't know who/what hears me when I pray/send my energy out, doesn't make me less worthy of any blessings or good fortune I may receive. I devote my life to LIVING IT THE BEST I CAN, not to please God or Christ or Peter or whoever. And if there are pearly gates, and they want to hold that against me when my day comes- but forgive a murderer or child molester and let them in just because they said "I'm sorry, please forgive me."- then I didn't want to roam eternally amongst hypocrits anyway.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged". Matt. 7:1

Hmmm.... So, Jesus can't get mad at ME because nobody has facts and examples, right? Not my fault. All I know is when I went to google images and typed in "easter" to pull a pic for this post, out of the first 20 pics, only 2 were of the cross where Jesus "gave his life for us"..... and the rest were colored eggs and bunnies.

I'm about to go eat some jelly beans.

Ayyyeee!!

currently on repeat...



LOVE it.

"i tip on alligators, and little rattlesnakers, but i'm another flavor, somethin like a terminator..."

*dances on the table*



the man and i play this shit TO DEATH. daily.

"no matter how hard the times may seem. don't give up our plans, don't give up our dreams, no broken bridges can turn us around, cuz what we're searchin for will soon be found."

yesssirrr.

I Smile Because...

- i woke up.

- my kids tell me i'm their best friend, and they are mine.

- i'm able to pay rent, on time.

- i have food, hot water, electricity, cable, and internet.

- i go to sleep and wake up next to a man who makes my heart happy.

- my children make Honor Roll and Perfect Attendance every quarter.

- i am currently a straight A student.

- all of my loved ones are healthy.

- i have transportation.

- i am employed.

- i keep my energy centered around positivity, strength, and growth.

- i know how far i've come.

- i know where i'm going.

- there are people who doubt me.

- at the end of the day, why wouldn't i?

:)

I Need a Hero

"Captain Camel Toe Joe is here to Save a Hoe!"

(pic courtesy of @FLACO_757 on twitter, he stays with a wild default and makes me want to give him a whoopin on a daily basis)

Layin Low

there is too much fuckery afoot on these internets for me lately.

gonna leave twitter, facebook, and my blog alone for a while.

enjoy.

BAM!

grades for 2nd quarter have been finalized and i got straight A's! :)

not gonna lie, the first quarter i didn't do so great. started off good but then fumbled a bit. i was going back to school for the first time in 10 years, under a lot of stress, not getting enough sleep, and really just needed to get my time management skills in order. so i made sure for the 2nd quarter (and going forward) to organize my time better. i knew this wasn't going to be easy but anything worth having, is worth the struggle to get it. and i am so thankful to have a man in my life who supports me and cares for my kids so i can go to school. without him, i wouldn't be able to go. it means so much to me that sometimes i feel like i don't know how to thank him enough, that's a big thing to take on responsibility for kids that aren't even yours, atleast to me it is.

thank goodness no class last week, i finally had a significant amount of relaxation time. i started that insanity workout program almost two weeks ago.... omg the shit is NO joke! but if anyone is thinking of doing it, i say DO IT. i have a feeling it will turn out to be some of the best money i've ever spent. my jeans are already getting loose after just 10 days. only thing is you have to really be serious about it and stick with and eat right. all of which were hard for me before. i have tried and failed many times in the past to eat healthier and be active so i can stay in shape... but the brownies and cookie dough won every time. this time i figured "if i order this, i will HAVE to do it because i'll be damned if i waste that much money." i was sitting there lookin hesitant as hell before i clicked that "checkout" button too, like "man... i'm kinda scared of this shit." :-/ i was worried i wouldn't be able to stick to a diet but i learned something when i took the fitness test the first night... i have GOT to eat better. all that test did was let me know how OUT of shape i am! i finished that shit and was like "okay. fuck a brownie. fuck donuts. fuck frappuccinos. fuck cookies and fuck cakes. just fuck all that shit." and so far i've actually stuck to it. i breeze my happy ass right on through the bakery section at the grocery and walk back to the fruit section (by the way i think it's fucked up how they make you walk past cakes and cookies and pastries to get to the fruits and vegetables, it's like a temptation gauntlet lol).

but so far, i FEEL better. i make an effort to get atleast 7 hours of sleep now. lately i've been waking up even before my alarm goes off, which is like unheard of. i really wish i would have had the good sense to be this disciplined a long time ago. it's really not about looking better (well not completely anyway hehe), eating right and exercising seems to put more life in you too. it's hard to explain, it's a good feeling tho. so like i said, anyone thinking about getting the insanity dvd's and whatnot, go for it. it's an investment on your health and body. but i repeat, you must stick with it and stay committed. this mf makes you workout (hard) 6 days a week for 60 days and you have to eat breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner & keep track of your calories o_O they do include a meal plan with recipes and calorie calculator to help you out tho.

i miss...

writing poetry. on paper.

i used to write ALL the time. i have notebooks upon notebooks upon notebooks upon loose leaf papers upon random scribbled down thoughts.... just tucked away in my closet. i remember back when it was just me and my kids in my old apartment, after i tucked them in at night i'd go sit in the living room, listen to music, light some candles, zone out... then just write for hours.

i decided to read some of my old stuff... it's funny some of the things i wrote that i forgot about. interesting to see how i've grown...

"thanks"

your attempts to bring me down
only made me stronger
thank you for being a fraud
so i could recognize the real
thank you for making me numb
so i could learn how to feel
thank you for bringing me down
so i could pull myself together
thank you for raining on my picnic
so i could brave the weather
thank you for the manipulation
so i could learn to think for myself
thank you for crushing my soul
so i could nurse it back to health
thank you for the drama
so i could appreciate the silence
thank you for making me a momma
and goodbye violence.

or how i've remained the same...

"love of my life"

the moment we met
i felt it in my heart
we're in this til the end
nothing can keep us apart
and i know that's true
because i love you so much
i almost cry holding you
at the thought of losing your touch
you mean the world to me
your smile and your eyes...
when you look at me
and put your hand in mine
you make me forget my problems
and bring me to a happy place
even when we struggle
you put a smile on my face
anything you need
i won't rest until it's yours
i'll drop to my knees
and pray until they're sore
your happiness means more than my own
because you are my children
my flesh, my blood, my home.
my life.
i solemnly swear
to never neglect you
i'll always be here
to love and protect you.

amen.


every day.

Are We Raising Men or Mice?

(shame on me for having this saved in my drafts for like a week even though it's already been posted on O Hell Nawl .... yeah i plugged myself a lil bit. sue me :) but also please check em out if you haven't already. i love that site, it's one of my faves and i appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts there. anyways.... enjoy.)

"The way for a young man to rise is to improve himself in every way he can, never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him." - Abraham Lincoln


Hello good people. I'd like to speak on single mothers raising their sons in today's society. First let me make it clear that a woman cannot teach a boy how to be a man. We don't have a penis, we're not qualified. Point blank, period. The best we can do is teach our sons how to be good PEOPLE and hope that we have instilled enough respect and responsibility in them to produce a good man.

I often hear a lot of "My son will never act like this or my son will never do that." Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong, nobody wants to raise a disrespectful son who ain't about shit. But... my fellow Moms, please keep in mind it's not our job to turn our sons into the opposite of a man who has betrayed or failed us in life. It is a mother's job to teach, protect, and be a source of strength. Don't be so preoccupied in your mind about NOT raising an "ain't shit" man that you misguide your son into worshipping everything with a vagina. If you have a daughter, would you not tell her to be cautious in dealing with men? Of course you would, and probably fairly early. So let's not forget to protect our sons too. I always say: every man with a penis is not a dog, and every female with a vagina is not a lady (hence, bitches).

How can you feel like this?:

and hope to raise a son properly?

You can't. My sons are young (5 and 6) but once they become of age, you better believe I will equip them with the knowledge on how to recognize a scalywag. I'm not gonna have my sons being some sucka for love ass chumps giving their heart and undivided attention to just anything with a fat ass and pretty smile. Yes, teach your sons how to be respectful, courteous, have manners and be gentlemen, etc. Just know that like every man isn't worthy of your all, nor is every female worthy of a man's all (and ironically, these were probably the little girls whose mothers "best advice" once upon a time was telling them that men ain't shit. smh). When boys start to like girls, it's exciting but intimidating for them, fear of rejection can be a muthafucka. Keep that in mind, teach confidence as well as respectfulness. A man needs to know his worth too.

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart." - Nelson Mandela

Some women push their experiences off onto their sons and give them the burden of proving themselves to females without even realizing it, although their intentions may feel good- they are misguided. Teach him for his sake, not for the sake of womankind. As long as there are Nicki Minaj's and "barbies" out here, some women will do a fine job setting themselves back on their own, without a man's help. If ALL a little boy is ever told is that girls are precious and special and should be treated with care and tenderness, he's gonna get played for a fool some day, guaranteed. Hell he may get played anyway, but atleast let him know that's a possibility so he's better prepared to deal with it. Not have him out here blindsided like "Damn I thought girls were made of sunshine n gum drops n shit, thanks a lot Mom." (*backfire*)

And if you have a daughter, pleeeeeease don't plant in her head that all men are not to be trusted and they will hurt you. There are men out here who were raised right but they'll never get the time of day if they're treated like the usual suspects. Just keep her up on game for whenever a man does try to pull a fast one, she can be like "nuh uh." Also an even bigger PLEASE to mothers who have a worthless man in their life, do NOT allow your child to EVER see you accept less than your worth. Fuck what your heart feels (go 'head with that Melanie Fiona "but i love this mannnn" bullshit), your child(ren)'s best interest comes before anything. ANYTHING.

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; and nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." - Thomas Jefferson

It is so critical to provide knowledge to your children on as many aspects of life as you can, in case you haven't noticed, the world is only getting crazier. And don't forget to lead by example, practice what you preach because simply talking a good one isn't good enough.

Anyone care to share their experience/two cents on being a single mother? Or any men who were raised by a single mother and how you feel it had an effect on your life? Advice from fathers for single mothers?

Oh wait. Before I drop the mic and get down off my soapbox, I'd like to shout out Slaus, Minista, and D'Mario for being good fathers, and all the rest of the fathers who are active in their child's life and upbringing- not just paying that child support and calling it a day *side eye*. Also to the men out there who are in a relationship with a woman who has children and help her hold it down, yall are appreciated too! ;)

P.S. Be sure to tackle your sons or body slam them on the couch for no reason from time to time, rough em up. It's good for their soul :)

Disturbing

okay so i go to school for Criminal Justice (for those of you who are new round here- but not to be the police- to work in a crime lab doing forensic science) and on Tuesday we had special agents from the GBI (like the FBI but on a state level- for Georgia) come in and give us a presentation on cybercrime.

cybercrime= computer hackers n shit, right? yes but not so much. see most of cybercrimes involve child pornography. therefore, that is what most of their computer crime cases consist of. well they cracked down on this one man and went to arrest him.

WARNING: i'm about to give some crime scene details- not involving blood, guts, or injuries to a child- but graphic nonetheless.

so they had a slide show of crime scene photos for this arrest.

1st pic: outside of a nice, suburban home. lawn was well-kept. nice truck in the driveway.

2nd pic: inside of the house. messy. mountain dew cans everywhere. clothes on the floor. just sloppy.

(sidenote: they mentioned a weird/funny observation about two things that most of these perverts have in common- excessive mountain dew consumption and a love for ninja kung-fu type of shit lol)

okay the pics progressively get worse. they show his bedroom. dirty mattress with no sheets on it. mountain dew cans and bottles all over the headboard. and a plate..... they asked us "what do you think is on that plate?"

baked beans?

an old browie?

chilli?

nope. this nasty son of a bitch was eating his OWN SHIT. feces!! (at this point some boy got up and walked out the classroom like fuck this shit- can't really blame him tho.)

then on his nightstand was a set of binoculars. and guess what his bedroom window had a clear view of?

the neighborhood children's bus stop.

*shudders*

yall.... this man is a SICK, SICK man. it gets even more bizarre.

in his bathroom, he had pics of naked kids taped to the wall in his shower. and on the floor were cut up pieces of these:

pool noodles.

he cut them into like 12-inch pieces and then pinched the middle with a rubber band, kinda like a bowtie. then put some type of balloon or condom on one end. homemade ridiculously huge dildo of some sort. man there were like 8 of these contraptions on the floor of his shower stall..... with fecal matter on them. he was sticking these things IN.HIS.ASS.
*vomit*
these things were all under his bed too! this animal had a kiddie pool in his room and a pot of various lubes on the floor. he would warm the lube on the stove, put the kiddie pool on his bed, pour the lube in it, climb in there with his dildo noodles and with the help of some augmentation device.... fuck himself up the ass with these things!!!! as he looked out the window at the CHILDREN!!!!!
that shit right there? had me like..... enraged. like to the point of contemplating switching my career move from crime lab to child pornography investigator. all these sick, disgusting, pieces of shit need to be locked up and off our streets (among various other punishments i can think of but won't mention).
i'm not writing this blog to gross anyone out. i'm writing it to wake people up. to make people alert. to know what is going on in your neighborhood. to encourage you to check the sex offender registry online to see if you have any sex offenders living near you. even if you don't have children. there are still rapists and peeping toms out here.
so.... what's YOUR neighborhood lookin like?
you can find out here -------------------> Sex Offender Registry
be safe out there please. this world seems to just be getting crazier and crazier.
*sigh*

How I Do....

So my job decided they want to cut my hours now, on top of already cutting my salary 10%.... so I'm off on Mondays and work 32 hours a week instead of 40 hours. And since I don't work a full 40 hours, I am now considered "part-time" and ineligible for benefits, paid time off, vacation days, paid holidays off, etc. Basically I'm just here for my bitch ass pay check and that's it.

I ain't mad tho. Although I'm a tad pissed at how this will affect my income, I'm also smarter than the average bear.

When I got my income tax return, I did not lose my mind and go on a shopping spree. I paid off all my bills down to my current balance plus 2 months ahead. So I won't have to worry about paying any bills until April. Now, with these Mondays off I have all day to look for a new job, thanks bitches :)

This Monday was my first Monday off and it was drizzling and dreary but I got my ass up and out anyway. Apparently applying online isn't working fast enough, or at all even. So I just said fuck it, I'ma go out and ask people if they're hiring. There are alot of business complexes near my house so I started there. I got alot of "Sorry, we're not hiring but we'll take your resume." blah blah blah. I went to about 18 places and got rid of 10 resumes. One place I will hear from either tomorrow or Monday. It's a screen tee printing company and the owner also owns a financial consulting firm and said that lately he's been too occupied doing "small stuff" and needs more time to dedicate towards the important stuff. So he told me that he's going to figure out what he needs help with between his two businesses and see if he can find 40 hours worth of work for me to do, and if he can then I will have a job :) So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that!

Word of advice to anyone looking for a job, go in person! Apply online too but don't do that and only that. I got my current job just by walking in. The position I'm working didn't even exist before I came in the door. After I dropped off my resume, they thought "Hmm... we do need some help." and created a position for me. Not that I like this job, just sayin that going in person can speed the process of finding a job.

A manager at one of the places I went to Monday said that they didn't have anything but he admired my determination and he will be sure to ask his associates if they know of anything so he can share my resume. He also said to call him back in 5-6 weeks if I didn't have a job by then to see if business has picked up and he'd see if he had something for me then.

Never give up. Never think there is only one way to go about doing something.

Every Monday I'm going out until I get something. So hopefully by the time bills start rolling in again I will have new employment with a new (better) salary and everything will be cool. I actually declared at the beginning of this year that I WILL have new job by March, so let's see how good my psychic powers are lol. My honey on the other hand, is discouraged by the current job market and thinks his time would be better spent going back to school to study law. But I think that's a positive thing and I support him on that if that's what he'd like to do. He's about sick of the government getting over on people just because they don't fully understand their rights, and so am I. But that's a whole other blog right there....


But anywaaay... gotta cut this short. I hope yall have a lovely day :)

Random Cool (useless) Bella Facts

- i often remix songs into some perverted or otherwise inappropriate version in my head. just be in the bathroom singing "every piss begins with peeeee." to the tune of a kay jewelers commercial.

- i only like red and purple skittles. i don't wanna taste the rainbow.

- i have eaten more cookie dough in the last month than i have actually used it to bake cookies, even though is specifically says "DO NOT CONSUME RAW COOKIE DOUGH" on the packaging :-/

- i do my kegel exercises every day. it's just the responsible thing to do when you have a vagina.

- i sleep on the left side of the bed.

- some days i imagine cocking back and bustin my boss in the forehead with a chicken wing for my own amusement.

- i don't think trey songz invented sex.

- i whoop ass when necessary. more parents should.

- i think highly of myself, but i don't look down on anyone. unless i'm gettin some head ;)

- i dance and sing (really loud) in my car, even when i can feel people looking at me, i don't give a fuck... point. laugh. glad i could entertain ya. catch me at a red light near you bitches.

- i think many perverted thoughts every day. many.... every.... day.

- i don't like to share my snacks. depending on what kind of mood i'm in, i will: 1. buy you some of what i'm eating 2. eat it away from other human beings or 3. straight act like i don't see you eyeballing my tasty treats as i devour them.

- i hate tomatoes. and mushrooms. and olives. and bananas. and oranges. and i only use onions and peppers for flavor while cooking, but i push them off to the side when it's time to eat.

- i have a heart of platinum. i will do anything i'm capable of for those i love (*who i know- without a doubt- would do the same for me).

- i'm addicted to Forensic Files tv series and Law & Order. i can watch either of those back to back to back...

- i squeeze my own ass for no particular reason sometimes.

- i just ordered that Insanity workout DVD series.... pray for my body please.

- i love big earrings.

- chocolate is like crack to me. craaaack!!

- i have only lived in two states, NY (since birth) and GA (since 2000).

- i hardly ever go out. and as i'm getting older, i realize when i do go out that i'm not missing much. i feel like small doses of partying are better than partying til it seems old and boring to you.

- i think smoking cigarettes is even nastier than sucking 3 different dicks in one day. yall know what that does to your lungs? this: (left lung non-smoker, right lung.... well, do the math)



-i'm an asshole.
-i'm a leo. which may explain why i'm an asshole :)
- i can appreciate a nice ass on a female just as well as a man can. except i do not want to have sex with it or touch it. penis fo life! but i'll still look. *shrugs*
- i am currently a straight A student *pops four collars*

tis all for now.

enjoy your day folks!

And This is Why...

I really don't mean to do two posts in a row on the excuse of a man my children have for a father but.... just to clarify for those who haven't been following my blog very long...

I am not a spiteful, bitter woman, being a stank bitch about my bd over petty things. It's things like today. My youngest son's 5th birthday. His second birthday in a row with no phone call from the man who gave him life. The man who claimed once upon a time that his children meant the world to him. The man he looks like. The man who insisted he be named after him.

I can't wait to fill out those name change papers. Luckily my bd and my brother have the same first name so once I change my son's middle name, he will just be named after my brother, so it all works out :)

And I really don't give a fuck about snatching my bd's father's name away from him, because it's an ugly ass name anyway.

*hmph*

My older son's middle name is the same as my bd's first name (how crazy is it that he made sure both his sons had his name, then went to not giving a fuck to even say "happy birthday"??) so I'm changing his to my father's middle name. And my daughter's middle name is my bd's sister's first name. Sooo hers will be changed too lol. I'm changing it to "Saree" it means "most noble" in Arabic and I like how it sounds with her first name.

This whole changing of the names may sound a bit extreme, but seriously what is the point of having my children walk through life named after people who obviously don't care about them? No thank you.

Anyway, for my son's birthday I dropped him off at school with a cake this morning and then went back up there on my lunch break to have some cake with him and his class. We won't do the actual "celebrating" until Saturday because there's still one more birthday this week, my other son turns 6 on Friday (yeah they were born a year apart and will be the same age for 4 days, crazy huh? lol). So we'll do the Chuck E. Cheese thing when I get out of class and do cake and gifts and all that good stuff for them both then. I just LOVE when my kids have a birthday, I always think back to the day they were born. Despite all the bullshit I went through with their father for six years, if they were the only good thing to come of it, then it was all worth it in my eyes. They are the loves of my life and they mean more to me than I can even put into words. I live for them and I will die for them. Period.

Losin It...

Today at work I was checking my hotmail to see if I received an alert from H&R Block to let me know if my money was put on the card yet and the lil office manager comes into my office (that I share with my boss, who was also sitting right behind me) and sees me click my hotmail screen down.

her: You know, if you don't have anything to do I can find you something.

me: *whips head around* What? *stares* I have stuff to do, what are you talking about?

her: I see you click that screen down, you over there chatting.

me: Chatting? Um no.

her: Well what was that you clicked down? You want me to pull it up?

me: Go ahead. I don't care. I'll pull it up myself. *opens hotmail screen* See?

her: What about those down there you have open, what's that?

me: *opens other two browsers* UPS to make a shipping label... annnd OUR website so I can access our part catalog.

her: *blank face*

me: I was looking at something. So how was I chatting? Did you see me typing?

her: *hmph*

my boss: What is going on?

me: Yeah. I was checking the status of my tax return because I have some bills that need my attention. Sorry I have other things to do in life besides just sit at this desk all day.

And turned my ass right back around and continued to do my work. Fuck outta here.

I can't be dealing with this bullshit much longer. Usually I am capable of conducting myself professionally, for the sake of a paycheck and only for the sake of a paycheck. But today I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I mean I'm a grown ass woman with children, you don't approach me like that, like you checkin me and you ain't even my boss.... pssshhh.

Yall please pray I don't headbutt this hoe.

Untitled

I just wanted to share a random story I was reminded of last night. I saw a tweet about donations to Haiti and it made me think of last week when I was getting the kids ready for school. My oldest son (almost 6) was looking for his $1 for icecream the school has for sale every Friday. My daughter (8) walked up to him and said, "You don't need icecream, it's cold outside anyway. You gonna give your dollar to Haiti." in a demanding tone of voice lol. She is so sweet and silly.

Then that got me to thinking about her and the way she is, and I remembered something else she did when she was even younger, about five, and she just amazes me. We were leaving Wal Mart and in the parking lot she saw a young girl (maybe 10 years old) in a wheelchair (I believe she had Cerebral Paulsy) and my daughter asked me what happened to the girl. I said that I wasn't sure and maybe she was born that way or got into a car accident, and also explained that it's important to never stare or point at people who are different than you because it's rude and might make them feel bad.

her: oooh, okay. how is she going to get in her car?

me: her mommy will pick her up and help her get in there.

her: oh. how does she go to the bathroom?

me: i'm sure her mommy and family help her do that too baby.

her: oh. she's pretty.

me: awww *smile*

her: can i tell her?

me: you sure can baby girl.

So we walked over to the girl in the wheelchair as her mother was getting ready to put her in the van, and my daughter put her hand on the little girl's hand and said "you're beautiful." (melted my damn heart lol)

I'm not sure if the girl understood or not but she seemed to smile, and her mother was like, "Awww wow how sweet! Thank you sweetie." and gave her a little hug and smiled at me and said "She is an angel, bless you." I said "Thank you, so is she *pointed at her daughter* you have a good night." and waved goodbye to the girl.

Something I will never forget. Makes me kind of sad that people don't interact with eachother like decent human beings so much anymore. A little can really go a long way sometimes, you never know how much you can turn someone's day around just by giving them a compliment, or even a smile. And it doesn't even cost you anything.

Try it sometimes :)

Fashion Show Pics (late as hell)

Damn I completely forgot to tell yall (blame twitter) that I was in a fashion show for the first time in November. It was for the Annual Battle of Model and Designers Competition at the World Congress Center in Atlanta. Nothing major but I had fun and learned how to "walk" and "werk" and such.

Here are some pics :)

(pardon the order, I just uploaded them and left it at that lol)

the end.

I enjoyed myself, it was kinda weird getting dressed and undressed in a room full of like 100 people, male and female. Kept making sure to point my booty at a wall when I got undressed. At one point I had to change in the hallway backstage and I was just straight topless in a thong while people were dressing me and people running past me *eeek!* Soooo not accustomed to that type of shit. It was hectic and my feet hurt like a MUTHAFUCKA afterwards (I was there for 10 hours) but like I said, I had a good time. One of the designers I walked for (Jacka- designed the pink print halter dress) won 2nd Place and my Mom drove all the way down from NY to see me :) My Auntie also made a 3 hour drive up from south Georgia. Hoping to do some more in the future, in the meantime I'm in these books and working and getting my Super Mom on!

peace & love.

Deez Nuts

i came to work this morning and this was on my desk

???

so i decided to share a pic of this nonsense with ms. ava dior
me: so i come to work to this on my desk. um thanks for the peanuts? wtf who just gives people a handfull of peanuts on a sheet of paper without asking if they even want any? fuck these nuts.
ava: write 'deez' on the paper just for giggles....

*sends new pic to ava*

and i will be leaving it right here for the rest of the day.

:-P

Reflecting

i'm usually not the mushy type. i put up a barrier around my heart because i felt like to display my raw emotions makes me vulnerable or a sucker. but i really don't feel that way anymore. i didn't realize how tall i built that wall until i noticed how long it took me to take it down, and it's taken a pretty damn long time honestly. i'd get comfortable and take a couple bricks down, get hurt and stack them back up again.

in a few months i will have "been with" my man for 4 years.... i put quotes on "been with" because for a good while we were not in an actual relationship. we were more like best friends with benefits. we kicked it all the time (no, not just for sexin), held eachother down in times of need, got along very well, etc..... and silly me assumed that because i wasn't having sex with anyone else, then he shouldn't either. but it didn't turn out that way. i sensed it sometimes but shrugged it off. eventually i started to care. and then i wanted to know the truth... and the truth hurt. it broke my heart. i realized how much i loved him, i just never wanted to admit it to myself, i ignored that feeling for a long time because i was afraid of it. after the things "love" did to me before, i just didn't want to be love's friend. in the beginning neither of us wanted a relationship anyway. but once my feelings started to change, i pretty much kept that to myself, never verbalized it. never said "i love you." i kept up my hard facade. so i accept part of the blame for the way things went down because it is true that a man will only do what you let him do. a relationship doesn't exist just because one person feels like that's what it is. a relationship exists when two people have a mutual agreement that is what they have, and we never came to that agreement. so i couldn't get mad at him without getting mad at myself too.

after that, i let him know that i'm aware temptations exist and some people can resist them better than others. but at the same time, if he felt like he was missing something or had to get some things out of his system then he was free to do so, but not with me in the mix. that if he was not ready for a commitment, then we could no longer remain as we were. we would have to either part ways as friends or move ahead, in a relationship. and told him to take his time with that decision, don't just tell me what i want to hear. to think about how he really feels and what he wants and just be honest with me because we're both adults. he wiped a tear off my face and said, "i apologize from the bottom of my heart and every bone in my body, i never wanted to hurt you and i'm so sorry i did. i'm human, i made a mistake and i was wrong for that. i don't want anybody else." i accepted his apology and asked him to leave so he could take time to think about things. and he still said that he didn't want anybody else so.....

here we are now (this was over a year ago, before i started this blog). at first "taking him back" was awkward, i had those uneasy thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. suspicious. interrogated him when ever he returned a missed call.... he would get upset and say that if i don't trust him then we shouldn't be together and that it's not fair for me to give him a second chance without actually giving him a second chance. he had a point. so i decided to stop driving myself crazy and relax. it sucks when your mind gets the best of you, it's hard to get a grip. but like i said, he had a point. if you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. and if you decide to forgive someone and move ahead, you can't keep on holding the past against them. so you either need to take a deep breath and proceed with caution, or walk away if you aren't prepared/able to do that. i had do ask myself "is he doing anything wrong now?" and my answer (to the best of my knowledge) was "no."

if anything he was making an effort to do better but i was too occupied with being paranoid that i didn't give him a fair chance to prove he was sincere. and ever since then that's all he's done, we have remained "incident-free" lol. at first i was wondering "yeah okay, how long is this gonna last?" feeling like he was only doing these things because he felt bad and would soon slip up.... but that hasn't happened. and that paranoia i had doesn't even exist anymore, hasn't for quite a while actually. i feel a way i never felt before. i had gotten so used to rebuliding my wall that now when i just have a pile of bricks and nothing to do with them, i'm like what now? i've never gotten to this point with anyone before. all i know is it feels really good.

he keeps an eye on my kids while i go to class. he helps clean up, he cooks from time to time, sometimes even has dinner ready when i walk in the door so i don't have to do anything but make plates. he sings me silly songs, hugs me for no reason, curls up on me at night and squeezes me, smooches my forehead, and gropes me all the time (i like that cuz i'm a pervert). he's helped my sons learn to write their name and read, and he tries to comb my daughter's hair lol. whenever i'm down or frustrated he tells me "don't worry baby, we gon make it through this. i promise everything will be okay." and every morning when he wakes up, he smiles at me with his eyes half open and it makes me feel all soft and bitch-like inside. but i don't care. i'll be that lol. looking back on day one up until now, he has changed so much. some things i honestly thought i'd never see him do or hear him say. i just really appreciate that man. yeah we've been through a lot, but to me that's what makes it more real. it feels like we actually built something. nothing is perfect. and nobody is perfect either. but i do believe there are people who can be perfect for eachother. and it doesn't matter if it makes sense to the rest of the world or not.

all i know is i'm grateful to have someone who can make me feel a way i never knew. the way i deserve to feel.

and just because i feel like a punk now for being all open and lovey dovey-ish, let me say i also love him for (less mushy) things like this:

"oh i meant to tell you, you pooted in your sleep last night... like 3 times. stankin booty girl."

"damn why you get dressed so fast? i wanted to squeeze a titty."

me: *doing homework at the computer*

him: *slaps me on the shoulder with penis and keeps walking*

♥

"

Bad Girl?

Sooo I got asked to cast for Bad Girls Club today.....

my response: I have kids and they need a good role model. So no thanks.

I have never even watched an episode of this show. I've just seen clips of it and heard people talk about it. And that didn't gain my interest, it only deterred it. Just sounds like a bunch of rowdy bitches with no good sense who talk and behave stupidly. Woopty Doo. If I even went on that show I'd wake up, hear some bitches talking outside my room....

and do this

just off GP.

Like "stop talking about stupid shit." and take my ass back to bed. I don't understand the point of this show. Oooo look a buncha bitches done lost their minds. Okay? And I have a daughter. What the hell do I look like going on national tv and making an ass out of myself? I'm tempted to let her watch this shit just to show her how NOT to behave (shout out to the homie Jaila for that idea lol)

I'm sick of all these "reality" shows in general actually.

Flavor of Ray J's Dick.

Jersey Whores.

The Fake World.

etc...

I refuse to donate any of my brain functions towards those shows. I'd rather watch something on the History Channel or National Geographic and learn something than watch bitches chase after "celebrity" penis, or get drunk and fight eachother, or watch people party and fuck carelessly or live in a "real" world that doesn't look a damn thing like the world I live in. I don't know....

Maybe I'm getting old.

Or maybe I'm just getting wiser.

How do you feel about these shows?

Food For Thought

"every man with a penis isn't a dog and every bitch with a vagina isn't a lady." - Bella

that is all.

Haiti Needs Your Help

As we all know, Haiti has been devastated by an earthquake. It amazes me that some people can shrug it off or show lack of concern and justify it by saying, "shit we have our own problems and our own hungry and homeless people to take care of here."

This is true. BUT if you haven't been doing anything to assist in that cause EITHER then what are you complaining for? A majority of people in the U.S. are homeless and hungry because they made some bad decisions in their life and need to get it together. There are the disabled or victims of circumstance, who make up the smaller percentage of homeless people, I'm just saying a MAJORITY of people in that position put themselves there (and I do donate to the Salvation Army and have helped strangers many times in my life, so yes I do care about domestic issues too). Haiti is already the poorest nation and they were minding their business when this earthquake hit. I don't see how anyone can be insensitive to such a massive loss of human life and destruction.

Maybe simply hearing about it or reading about it isn't enough. But right now THIS is what the people of Haiti are going through:

And THIS is what you can do to help (list compiled by google of all organizations assisting in relief to Haiti).

Also, please click here to see the population map of how the earthquake impacts Haiti.

I'm sorry but if anyone can look at this like it doesn't matter, then they have no heart or regard for mankind. Even if you can't do a lot, if a lot of people do a little- it adds up to a lot.

My thoughts and my heart go out to the people in Haiti and their loved ones who are also devastated by the loss and tragedy.

I would also like to share a song in memory of Teddy Pendergrass passing away yesterday, one which I think we all need to hear and appreciate.

Wake Up Everybody.

And Rest in Peace to those who can't.