Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pardon Me...

as i go off on a tangent. a rant is coming but i'd like to be a crazy bitch with a method to my madness so i shall first explain a few things before i go the fuck off. just know that the "going the fuck off" is indeed coming.

im about to share some personal business which i usually dont do... but then i figured isnt that what MY blog is for? to say what I want? but of course. and whoever feels compelled to judge can lick my ass.

first, my job recently cut my salary 10% which caused me to make even less money than when i first started two years ago. second, the only reason i have this job is because my bd (baby daddy. or bitchass dummy, pick one) made me lose my last job. the only job i ever had that i actually enjoyed, the job i made the most money at, the job i could finally call my career. before i started that job i was receiving daycare assistance from the state, once i started that job and had to submit paystubs for a review- they told me i made "too much money" and just cut the shit off, rather than simply reducing the amount of assistance they gave me. at the time my sons were in daycare all day and my daughter was in kindergarten. so i became responsible for paying two full-time daycare tuitions and one before/after school care... which came up to $330 a week. which came up to... $1320 a month, more than my damn rent okay?

dear government, what kinda math told you i could afford that shit by myself??

anyway... so since that was impossible to swing, i asked my bd to just watch the boys during the day- since his ass wasn't working nor contributing to SHIT financially, and said that i would pay the before/after school care for baby girl. he agreed. but only kept them two days. the night of the second day, he calls and tells me he needs to take care of some business and couldn't take the boys the next day (by the way, his "business" was picking up a bitch from the airport and taking her to get a rental car). so i told him do NOT play with me and said *gasp* his government name.

him: you don't call me that, you call me (lame ass nickname)

me: what? please. you were (first middle last name) when i met your ass and you will be (first middle last name) when you die. the fuck i look like callin you (lame ass nickname)? you ain't nobody.

him: well "nobody" is gonna be here in the morning if you try to drop them off then, how bout that? then you gon lose your job n have to move back to NY haha bitch.


um yeah. so he ignored my calls after that and the next morning i woke up stressed out. my man asked me what i was gonna do and i said "i dont even know? i guess ima call out, i dont have any money for daycare." so he tells me "well... i'd rather miss work than for you to miss work so i'll call out and stay with them so you can go in." i damn near cried lol. at this time, he'd never watched them before so that was like a big deal to me, probably the moment i decided "okay thats it. i love this muthafucka." lol

so he watched them for me that day but i couldnt expect him to keep that up of course. i told daycare the situation and asked if they'd let me just pay them that friday, they agreed. so the rest of the week i was good. i took them to daycare the next week as well... then that $330 started kickin my ass. i found a lady around the corner who did in-home childcare and charged $100 less... but still. eventually it got to the point where one day i got paid and i had to choose between paying rent or paying for childcare. i chose to pay the rent. but then i couldnt go to work. i called out 3 days in a row, they were aware of the situation and were as understanding as they could be. but by the 4th day i had to call out... i already knew. i heard it in my boss' voice "im so sorry... " i said "i already know what you're going to say and i understand. you can't keep someone employed when neither of us has a clue as to when i'll be able to show up again." she apologized again and we hung up. and i cried and cried. (by the way this job was so BOMB that the day i went to get my stuff from my desk, they handed me an envelope that said "from your esurance family" and i opened it up and there was $200 in there, they took up a collection around the office for me. made me cry in front of everybody n shit lol. and on mother's day, one of my old bosses and his wife came to my house with flowers and a $100 gift card to the grocery store that they collected from their church. oh AND while i was working there, my van broke down and THEY paid over $300 for it to be fixed, that i didnt even have to pay back. i miss that job so much *tear*)

so the government who cut my daycare assistance was now forced to give me food stamps, medicaid, AND pay for my daycare once again while i searched for another job. imagine how much money they coulda saved if they would have just reduced their assistance to me when i started making "too much money" smh. so after two months of no work, almost getting evicted twice, lights getting shut off and NO help AT ALL from the bd, i finally got a job offer. so i took it. now mind you i had to stay under a certain amount or i'd get no daycare assistance and be in the same situation all over again. so this is how i ended up at the job i'm at now. fortunately this year, all three of my kids only need before/after school care and as long as i can get a job making what i'm SUPPOSED to be making (like i was before) then i wont NEED the damn government to help me pay for daycare anymore. so this is the mission i'm on now... getting a job that pays me my worth. in the meantime this 10% paycut has me struggling.

oh there's a man in my house you may be thinking. yes indeed but sadly, after i got him a job with me after his previous job closed down, he was laid off along with a few others before these paycuts were made. i never mentioned it before because i really dont feel its anyone's business but such is life, shit happens and there's nothing to be ashamed of. (he has an interview tomorrow by the way so cross your fingers for us lol)

NOW... the reason for my rant...

in the meantime in between time the bd falls off the radar for 8 months, no phone calls, no # to reach him- nothing. during this time he started doing well for himself, called me and claimed he wanted to get back into his kids lives again.

*fast forward*

okay so earlier this year, he offered to pay for daycare himself. so of course i was like well be my guest, its about damn time. now even though this bitch can pay cash for a jag, get drunk n crash it into a tree, then pay cash for another one (all within 4 months)... he can neglect daycare completely for 3 months. priorities all fucked up. so today i let him know how much it was ($300... really shoulda been more but the director was lookin out a lil bit) and this fool offers me $50.... $50 bitch?? then says he'll pay $150 and i need to pay the other $150... um hello who let it get this far behind asshole?? not i. and who volunteered to be responsible for paying daycare? so then he says okay $100 and im like wow. if i had it myself, i woulda just told him to wipe his ass with it. but i went to go get it on my lunch break. he says "i'll give you $150 this week and $150 next week." he takes out $200 and gives me $140 (after he JUST said $150) and puts the rest of his money in his pocket n mumbles "this is some bullshit." mannn... i was like "no it's money for daycare for the children you helped create, it's LIFE, not bullshit." n just left.

so i give daycare the money when i picked them up and she tells me that the state is doing their audit and if they see that the other $160 isn't paid, they will cut me off. so i call him and tell him that and he tells me that i need to pay that. im like how? from where? what the fuck do you mean? i mention that i will once in a while have to pay this lady to watch the kids for me on a saturday or two out of the month so that i can go to school and im beyond tapped out. he says "oh yeah. good go head n get you a lil degree that aint even gonna mean shit." yo if i could spit venom.... and also shit like this "why you strugglin? dont you have a man in your house? tell him to step his game up. why dont u have a better job yet? you been broke for how long?"

when i wouldnt EVEN be in this situation if HE woulda stepped HIS game up and watched his sons and/or helped me pay for daycare in the first place!! i'd literally be making twice what i make now. and they are HIS kids! not my man's kids. but my man can pay for my daughter's birthday party and walk them to the bus stop and help them with homework n all that. so WHO needs to step their game up? pardon me if my man doesnt resort to illegal tactics, like running an "escort agency," for income. sorry he prefers to make an honest living and is doing the best he can to make that happen. but a man who would be homeless if hoes became extinct is gonna call my man a loser? i'll be damned. had to tell him some thangs.

"how the fuck you gonna call somebody a loser when i left your ass you had to go to a homeless shelter! but i guess you should be grateful for that experience because it helped you quit sucking your grown ass thumb (dead ass). you forgot i KNOW yo ass? i've SEEN you diggin thru couch cushions for change just to get a six pack of icehouse bitch. and please do tell me how someone is a loser when the ONLY way you've ever made it in life is off a bitch? that's all you have to lean on. that jag you drive? pussy got you that. not your intelligence. so who the fuck is a loser bitch?"

oh and THEN text me talkin about "half. holla. no free ride for you." like i'm not paying daycare because i just dont feel like it, like HIS ASS did for over two years. muthafucka i CANT pay half, plain and simple. like wow was it a "free ride" for you when you didnt give me a DIME for two years? nah muthafucka i paid your "half" because you couldn't/wouldn't so how dare you even...

i can NOT wait until i get a new job making what i'm actually capable of making so i can pay all of daycare myself. he will be obsolete. i tried to tolerate him for the kids but it just isn't possible. if he hasn't changed by now i doubt he ever will. i cant take it anymore. its not like he spends any time with them so what will they be missing? shit. i will be changing my number and he will NOT know where i'm moving. oh yes in the midst of all this, the townhouse i'm renting is now in foreclosure thanks to my cheap bastard landlord and now i have to find a place to move to. in the meantime i am just going to breathe, throw up bat signals to karma once in a while and patiently wait for her to land on his doorstep. as much as i'd like to beat her to it and just swipe a hanzo sword across his muthafuckin fo'head... but i'll just *woooossssaaaaahhhh*

i feel better now that i've vented.

now i know im supposed to be quitting my herbal essence but tonite, we just need to kick it. and whoever has anything to say about that... by time you read this it will be too late anyway :-P

♥ bella


yours truly said...

wow. :/

i truly and fully respect you for your strength. the BD? just disgusting. i'm not gonna waste anymore key strokes on him. i don't know where you find the strength but stay with your head up hun like you have all this time.

wishing all the best for you and your family. it's an insane time for you right now but i hope for a good opportunity for you soon. take care. *hugs*

sunshinestar110 said...

*hugs.....Damn that BD of yours. I give you nothing but respect for doing what u have to do to take care of your kids. I know this an hard time but i will all work out and get better. Just keep doing what u are doing to make life comfortable for the kids. One day they will be old enough to recognize how much mommy did for them and how daddy wasn't there.

Keep your head up!

Bella said...

thank you :) i appreciate that, i have my days where i just go numb but i've been thru too much to give up. i kinda feel like im in the middle of redmodeling my life and rite now its a mess, and im trying to figure out where shit belongs but i know if stay focused on my mission, it will be a beautiful thing when it's finished. so thats basically what i tell myself, and also my kids are my main source of motivation. thanks again for your words! *hugs back*

Bella said...

i posted that ^^^ comment before i approved sunshinestar's (hunny bunny! lol) but the *hugs* are for you both! thank you, yall are the best :)

Anonymous said...

Dayum.......This story sounds soooo familiar! I have been through something similar......I have to give it to you,you are a strong woman! You know what they say........only the strong survive! As for that deadbeat....that bytch Karma.......she aint NO JOKE and he will find that out! Keep doin you and yours and trust it will pau off! When one door closes another one opens!

Bella said...

thanks anonymous! and yesss karma is NO JOKE indeed. i love karma, she is my BFF lol

Monique said...

Funny isn't how some men can pick and choose when they want to be in your kids lives but you have no option>? It's not like you try to keep them from him. He can see them whenever but he doesnt make any effort. That is sad.

Ive told you before that you are doing a fantastic job and I know things will work out for you. Keep looking out for jobs and networking. I'll keep forwarding you any and everything I can find. With you back in school, you are one step in the right direction. (((hugs))) girl. You got this!

Bella said...

thanks mama! yeah its crazy how he called out the blue after 8 months talkin about he didnt want to be in their lives until he "had his shit together" THEN he said it was because i told him to move on with his life and forget about them (fiction) and THEN he said it was to "teach me a lesson" of some sort. even tho i have an email i saved and printed from his ass saying "you need help too bad. cant care for someone you don't see. so find them a new daddy stupid." and i am saving that shit FOREVER. what kind of a "loving father" says shit like that?? ugh. let me get back to work before i create another post in these comments lol

PhlyyGirl said...

Damn Bella!!
I knew you were a bad bitch, but *this* makes me respect you so much more. (I meant bad bitch in the best way possible)
To go through all that you've gone through BY YOSELF!?!?!
Maaaaannnnn FUCK that lame ass sperm donor. I honestly can't even believe they still have niggas like that in 2009, but you will be stronger because of this and one day your kids will know and they will love you even more for always being there and making sure that they had what they could.
I will never understand how you could let another man step up and take care of YOUR responsiblities and then wanna get a pissy ass attitude when asked to do waht you SUPPOSED to be doing. It ain't even like you askin this nigga to bend over backwards. You askin him to do what the fuck he supposed to be doing and at a minimum.

Let me leave, cause I'm getting pissed.

You'll be good. matter fact, you'll be better than good and one day, he'll be eating shit. Literally

Bella said...

awwww thank you phree baby! :) i dont understand that shit either. he actually said to me "we're not friends im not doing you any favors." im like BITCH TAKING CARE OF YOUR KIDS IS NOT TO DO ME A MUTHAFUCKIN FAVOR! if that's the case i been doing his ass a "favor" for a hell of a long time!! i told him to kill himself. so im pretty sure now i wont be getting the rest of the $ owed to daycare or anything else but its all good. i'll find a way.

oh and i forgot to mention that i offered him some dental floss to get my man's pubic hair out his teeth cuz he stay swingin on his dick. hmph.

pardon me for rantinig again, i need to wear that "crazy bitch" image as a button for the next few weeks probably lol

Epitome said...

Whoooosah twin whoooosah! Shit is rough right now and that shit is wack...but in the end...better days will come and you'll appreciate them so much more cause of these shitty days right now.

Alright....enough of that mother theresa want me to cut your BD? I'm not usually a fighter but don't nobody fucks with no babies! Daddy or not, I'll stomp a mud hole in that mutha fuckers nuts...say the word and I'm on it!

Nikki said...

I mean I'm all about whippin' a muthafukkas ass... especially sorry ass BD's... Girl you stay positive.. your boys and girl will appreciate everything you do regardless. They will grow up and see the SD (sperm donor) exactly for who he is.. God bless. U got this mama

Mike said...

I think any woman who puts food on the table and handles business for her family is a true hero and your kids will love you for it.

{Can We talk...I'm not trying to be funny or anything just some questions about how some women choose the men in their lives}

I mean I don't know your BD but was he anything when you met him? If not why are you expecting something from him now?

If he was a deadbeat when you met him, why would he be any different now. And if he was a loser then, why were you even sleeping with him?

I have a friend who boyfriend left her while she was 6 months preggers, didn't show up for the shower, and has only seen his son through emailed photos, sends NO Money, has NO Job. But she knew this about him from the jump. I'm not saying this is your situation, it just seems to be a trend I see forming with lots of peeps today.

My question to all women is Why have a baby with these kind of no future, GED having, wannabe hustlers?

You said you have a man in the house, (I'm assuming it's your current boyfriend) why isn't he helping you out more in the past if he was only laid off recently?

Bella said...

ok mike, let me just say i understand why ur curious to ask those questions BUT the fact is the answers do not matter because: it's too late. my kids are here and they mean the WORLD to me so even tho their father aint shit, i cant imagine my life without my babies. so IF i had chosen NOT to have them... i cant even fathom that. or to have them later in life by someone else, they wouldnt be the children they are and i want and love the children that i have. everything happens for a reason, my situation being that i received 3 blessings i wouldnt trade in for the world and a very valuable lesson learned which contributed to the strength i have today.

but since you asked for ur own reasons i will oblige. first i met him when i was 18... i wasnt mature enough to think about what type of man he would become in the future, i mean thats just plain and simple. IF i had met someone like him at this current time in my life of course, he probably wouldnt have lasted one week in my life because i NOW know the red flags of a loser. you live and you learn.

he was actually very good to me at first, i coulda never imagined shit would take a turn for the worse like it did. he put me on a pedestal, he even gave me an engagement ring just 3 months after being together. told everyone i was his wife and his princess, etc. but once he proposed the move to ATL and said he wanted me (i was 19 and he was 23) to come with him and i'd been down here for a while- he changed. and as time went by his true colors showed more and more. had we been back home, where my family is, i woulda left his ass probably after having our daughter. but since i had established a life down here and wanted to stay, i stuck it out. he was treating me better than worse so i stayed, i mean we had a child and i wanted a FAMILY. i never wanted to just be a "baby momma"... then our sons came along. and the way he started acting i couldnt take it anymore and left to live with my friend with my 3 kids and her son in a one bedroom apartment, me and my kids slept on an inflatable mattress in her dining room for two months. then i got my own place and NEVER went back to him. i felt free and renewed.

now as for your question about why my man didnt help me sooner... who said he didnt? he helped as much as he could actually. aside from having his own rent and bills to pay, he also looked out for me as much as was able to. we just started living together a year ago so he hasnt always been in my house... i guess you were assuming that was the case?

well i think i've answered all of your questions so... there ya go.