Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Oh You Wanna Race Huh?



okay as i mentioned earlier today, i probably get my road rage from my daddy. this man thinks he is the KING of the road, do you hear me? one christmas there was a blizzard. and i mean some state of emergency do-not-drive-anywhere-for-any-reason type of shit. well he said "fuck that." so im in the backseat, and my stepmother is in the front seat (bless her heart) and we get on the highway so they can drop me off at my bd's sister's house and then they continue on to my stepmom's brother's house which is an hour drive with NO snow. the shit is just coming down, you don't even know if a car is ahead of you or not until suddenly you see hazard lights. this man has the nerve to cuss people out for driving slow.


"why are you driving 20 miles per hour?!" and of course they can't even hear him.


then he passes a snow plow truck and curses THEM out.


"that big ass truck can't go any faster than that?!"

while we were in a nissan altima.

okay there's one example.



now lawd dont let us be on a two lane highway and the person in the left lane is doing the speed limit, or even five miles over it. i swear he would have LOVED to have that sign at his side. he will go the fuck off. lay on the horn, call people all kinds of "motherfuckers" and "retards"... flip the bird as he passes, all of that. oh but wait... let HIM be in the fast lane and someone from the right is matching his speed or going faster. he thinks they want to race. no lie. "oh so you wanna race huh? you think you're faster than me?" and will really proceed to race with them.



be behind someone who turns with no blinker? or brakes and THEN turns on their blinker? that's my daddy rite there in that pic.

let me share a story.

once upon a time, he was behind a city bus as it was merging onto the boulevard and there was a yield sign. well apparently this bus yielded longer than my father felt was necessary and he assumed it was moving ahead as he was looking left to make his way into traffic. well it wasn't- so he hit it. not hard but he hit it. he gets out of the car, goes banging on the bus door, yelling at the bus driver, "what the fuck is wrong with you?! dont you know how to merge?!" etc, etc. so the bus driver grabs a hold of the handle that opens the door to prevent my dad from getting on the bus (cuz he shole was trying to get on that bus) and this pissed him off even more. soooo he decided he will just walk around and grab the winshsield wipers and bang them against the window, and talk his shit. finally he felt like he had said enough and got back in the car and just left.

see im mild compared to him.

but the story that sticks in my head the most is this one here... he was approaching a red light, it turned green. however, the car sitting there wasn't paying attention and just sat there, and in turn my father ran into the back of his car. mannn....

he got out his car and started marching towards the man as he was also getting out of his car. dude started gettin hype at my daddy "ah you hit my car! im gonna call the police and make a report! rah rah rah" soooo... my father snatched that man by his collar and bent him backwards over the hood of his car and told him "you're not calling shit. you sat your slow ass at a green light! you better not EVEN look at my car to get my license plate number. you're gonna get your ass back in the car and go wherever the hell it was you were going. do you understand?" then stared the man down as he got in his car and stood blocking the view of his license plate as the man drove off.

yo. i dont fucks with my daddy. he is no joke. my daddy went to the park in his 1970's basketball shorts with his socks pulled up to his knees, got laughed at... dunked on all them muthafuckas, got his daps and went home. my daddy didnt like the way domino's made his pizza so he drove past there and threw the whole mufuggin pizza at their window, while they were on their way to deliver us a new one. my daddy got pissed that the principal sent me home for what i had on and called him like "you only sent her home because you're a pervert and you didnt wanna get caught looking! she can wear whatever the fuck i buy her." i LOVES my daddy. i went off the subject but gotdammit he's my hero lol.


this would be us in the car together... except we look better. just sayin.

one year for father's day, we got him this lovely invention that my mom found at spencer's. til this day he says it was the best gift ever.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is the big flipper (as you can see). now what you do is pull down on the lil black latch there near the "wrist" and that spring up there causes the middle finger to fly up. he kept this in the car AT ALL TIMES. and when he wasn't able to react quick enough because he had to steer or whatever, he pointed at the car he was pissed at and told one of us to grab the big flipper and flip it at them. one time i flipped off the wrong car, oops. i have NO idea if they still make these or not, we bought that for him in the late 80's/ early 90's... looking at it kinda makes me want one just for old times sake lol.

so you see... i come by my road rage honestly. just about two weeks ago i was driving along minding my business *humming* when this truck just decides to pull out in front of me and i had to slam on my brakes and swerve a lil bit so i didnt end up hitting his ass. i was HEATED. heated i say! he tried to speed off on me but um... nah mudafucka, me real ting dis.

i caught up to his ass at a red light n put my window down. he gon just keep lookin straight ahead like he dont see me. oh but his window was down too so mufucka you atleast gon HEAR me. man i cursed his ass out in two languages (i live in an area with a high hispanic population- just letting you know why the two languages were required lol) i forgot how much spanish i knew but that shit just flew rite out of my mouth. fool gon straight ignore EVERYTHING i said except when i said "estas borracho puta?!" (are you drunk bitch?) gonna keep lookin straight and shake his head no. didnt even say sorry or nothing. smh

but u know what? prior to that it has actually been quite some time since i had a road rage episode so im proud of myself. i did much better than the time this dude cut me off and i wanted to curse him out so bad, but remembered my window didnt work, so i opened my door (while i was switching lanes) and went the fuck off with my head sticking out the door. or the time this man almost side-swiped me on the highway in a convertible and i threw my drink in his car.

but like i said im doing better and that's all that matters :)

how about yall? any road rage stories??

p.s. i posted this simply because i wanted to share some memories n stories of mine so just in case anyone was thinking of preaching about setting examples or my behavior n such- save it. nobody likes a pawty poopa.

19 comments:

☆Reese✮ said...

Lmao, that sounds juuuust like my mom and uncle! road rage and speed demons..ain't even mad atcha!

ps.
that ps is SLAYING ME! I giggled til my stomach hurt when I saw it. You da bess n all that

Epiphany said...

u sure ur father didn't need anger management? i didn't get a chance to read the whole post cuz i have to be on my to work. but that sounds like a serious problem...

Bella said...

@Reese: lol girl it had to be said. which leads me to...

Epiphany: next time read the whole post before you comment please. there was a p.s. at the end... pawty poopa.

Kingsmomma said...

LMAO...anger mangement wouldn't do shit for your father anyway.
(side note when anyone says the phrase anger manangement i start humming "i see a little silhouette of a man")

anyway it must have been effing hilarious to grow up in your house.

my mom has terrible road rage i mean to the point where she's screaming at the "fucking moron" so loud i roll down the window...shiiit if i have to hear it the person who caused it should here it was well.

Bella said...

@kingsmomma: lmao hell yeah i know thats rite! roll that window right on down lol

but yes girl it was fun in my house! we used to have fake church sessions, he was Father Daddy and we'd be up in there singin real loud and hard about nothing, clapping, shouting out, etc... our downstairs neighbors came n knocked on our door and asked us to stop and he told them it was broad daylight and we were having fun and werent finished yet lmao.

he's calmed down a bit now tho, as time goes by he's in need of "anger management" less and less lol

StarzGazR said...

GIRL!! THIS SHIT HAS ME LAUGHIN WITH TEATS COMING OUT OF MY EYES!!!

i'm loving the whole " i wanted to curse him out so bad, but remembered my window didnt work, so i opened my door (while i was switching lanes) and went the fuck off with my head sticking out the door."

LMAO!!!!!!!!

and throwing the drink into the convertible!! LMAO! priceless!!!!

Epitome said...

I have road rage....bad....i try not to have it when I'm in the car with my baby, but damn its hard. I get mine from my mother...one of her stories:

Somebody cut her off and started driving real slow in front of her...she blares on her horn for a few minutes then she speeds up and gets in front of them and drives real slow...car gets in front of her and drives real slow...they go back and forth for like 3 times...then my mother gets beside the car and rolls down her window cussing them out, they flip her the bird and curse back....my mother (smh) says:

"Oh! you gonna cuss me out?!? I got something for yo ass!"

Goes into her glove compartment like she's pulling out a gun...car swerves off the road and stops...she keeps driving feeling satisfied.

My mother hasn't even held a gun in her lifetime much less have one in her damned car.

Ava Dior said...

lmfao!!! omgosh. um, im pretty damn bad. my brother is probably worse though. if someone pulls out in front of him he rides their ass so close. we were in the car together once while he was doing it and i was screaming "stooooooooop stooop we're going to get in a wreck" and he's going "oh you wanna pull out in front of me mother fucker?? hu? hu?" then he proceeds to break all kinds of laws to return the favor.

Epiphany said...

now that i read the second half, y'all r funny lol...and my first comment i was sayin out shock, like i didn't know ppl got like that in road rage. that's some crazy stuff

Bella said...

@starzgazr: im giggling at the TEATS coming out of your eyes hehe... i know it was a typo but thats what makes it funny (not holdin it against you one bit lol)

lmao @ my twin's mommy! my friend did a similar thing... cept it was outside the club lmao

@ava: girl i feel your pain, trust me lol

@epiphany: no worries girl! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Bella i swear you are my sista from a different mother! My dad is THEE same way! One time we were @ a gas station and this man pumped his gas and then decided he was gonna sit in his car and change to station,look through his glove box....pick his nose...j/k he was taking his sweet time to leave and my dad rammed his car! My dad was gon serve him w/ a two piece and a bisquit......the man was SCUUURED,do you hear me! I'm like you i earned my anger and roadrage HONESTLY!

simone_dior said...

*guffawwww*!!
yo daddy is a soulja!

Wilfredo said...

That was funny as hell, Bella! The visual aids just made it extra! Hahahaha!
I swear your writing style is improving!

Bella said...

@anonymous: LMAO! dayum he rammed him? omg yeah, maybe our fathers are related? lol

@simone: lol indeed he is :)

@wilfredo: awww thanks sweetie! nice to ur face round these parts... well your name rather lol- you know what i mean :)

.:jeni:. said...

ive been reading your blog for a while... stalker turned commenter!...*moving right along lol*... my mothers road rage just annoys the shit outta me! when she gets worked up she slams her hand on the horn and holds it there, last 5 blocks and a red light once, if its at night, she drives up reeeaal close to the car and shines her high beams at em, ignoring the fact that she just might being imparing their vision, setting herself up for an accident!

Bella said...

ayyyeee! @ .:jeni:. thanks for taking off your lurking cloak lol

i feel ur mom's pain tho, cuz that lay on the horn for 5 blocks up to the red light... thats what i did to dude in the truck who pulled out in front of me lmao. never done the high beams tho, she aint playin.

thehoustongirl said...

LMAO!! just read this today :D

your dad is the SHIT! lol my dad likes to speed up when someone tries to merge in front of him and get MAD about it like dude just drive faster then and don't leave space LMAO

NINA said...

TEARS! I WANNA GO ON A ROAD TRIP WITH YOU AND YOUR DAD HAHAHAHAHA

Rere said...

LMAO for 2 reasons

#1 My window doesn't work and therefore I have to curse people out with my head sticking out the whole door on a weekly basis.

#2 My horn also doesn't work so throwing my drinks at peoples car is also a weekly occurrence. Shit, its the only way to get someone attention sometimes!