Random Cool (useless) Bella Facts

- i often remix songs into some perverted or otherwise inappropriate version in my head. just be in the bathroom singing "every piss begins with peeeee." to the tune of a kay jewelers commercial.

- i only like red and purple skittles. i don't wanna taste the rainbow.

- i have eaten more cookie dough in the last month than i have actually used it to bake cookies, even though is specifically says "DO NOT CONSUME RAW COOKIE DOUGH" on the packaging :-/

- i do my kegel exercises every day. it's just the responsible thing to do when you have a vagina.

- i sleep on the left side of the bed.

- some days i imagine cocking back and bustin my boss in the forehead with a chicken wing for my own amusement.

- i don't think trey songz invented sex.

- i whoop ass when necessary. more parents should.

- i think highly of myself, but i don't look down on anyone. unless i'm gettin some head ;)

- i dance and sing (really loud) in my car, even when i can feel people looking at me, i don't give a fuck... point. laugh. glad i could entertain ya. catch me at a red light near you bitches.

- i think many perverted thoughts every day. many.... every.... day.

- i don't like to share my snacks. depending on what kind of mood i'm in, i will: 1. buy you some of what i'm eating 2. eat it away from other human beings or 3. straight act like i don't see you eyeballing my tasty treats as i devour them.

- i hate tomatoes. and mushrooms. and olives. and bananas. and oranges. and i only use onions and peppers for flavor while cooking, but i push them off to the side when it's time to eat.

- i have a heart of platinum. i will do anything i'm capable of for those i love (*who i know- without a doubt- would do the same for me).

- i'm addicted to Forensic Files tv series and Law & Order. i can watch either of those back to back to back...

- i squeeze my own ass for no particular reason sometimes.

- i just ordered that Insanity workout DVD series.... pray for my body please.

- i love big earrings.

- chocolate is like crack to me. craaaack!!

- i have only lived in two states, NY (since birth) and GA (since 2000).

- i hardly ever go out. and as i'm getting older, i realize when i do go out that i'm not missing much. i feel like small doses of partying are better than partying til it seems old and boring to you.

- i think smoking cigarettes is even nastier than sucking 3 different dicks in one day. yall know what that does to your lungs? this: (left lung non-smoker, right lung.... well, do the math)



-i'm an asshole.
-i'm a leo. which may explain why i'm an asshole :)
- i can appreciate a nice ass on a female just as well as a man can. except i do not want to have sex with it or touch it. penis fo life! but i'll still look. *shrugs*
- i am currently a straight A student *pops four collars*

tis all for now.

enjoy your day folks!

And This is Why...

I really don't mean to do two posts in a row on the excuse of a man my children have for a father but.... just to clarify for those who haven't been following my blog very long...

I am not a spiteful, bitter woman, being a stank bitch about my bd over petty things. It's things like today. My youngest son's 5th birthday. His second birthday in a row with no phone call from the man who gave him life. The man who claimed once upon a time that his children meant the world to him. The man he looks like. The man who insisted he be named after him.

I can't wait to fill out those name change papers. Luckily my bd and my brother have the same first name so once I change my son's middle name, he will just be named after my brother, so it all works out :)

And I really don't give a fuck about snatching my bd's father's name away from him, because it's an ugly ass name anyway.

*hmph*

My older son's middle name is the same as my bd's first name (how crazy is it that he made sure both his sons had his name, then went to not giving a fuck to even say "happy birthday"??) so I'm changing his to my father's middle name. And my daughter's middle name is my bd's sister's first name. Sooo hers will be changed too lol. I'm changing it to "Saree" it means "most noble" in Arabic and I like how it sounds with her first name.

This whole changing of the names may sound a bit extreme, but seriously what is the point of having my children walk through life named after people who obviously don't care about them? No thank you.

Anyway, for my son's birthday I dropped him off at school with a cake this morning and then went back up there on my lunch break to have some cake with him and his class. We won't do the actual "celebrating" until Saturday because there's still one more birthday this week, my other son turns 6 on Friday (yeah they were born a year apart and will be the same age for 4 days, crazy huh? lol). So we'll do the Chuck E. Cheese thing when I get out of class and do cake and gifts and all that good stuff for them both then. I just LOVE when my kids have a birthday, I always think back to the day they were born. Despite all the bullshit I went through with their father for six years, if they were the only good thing to come of it, then it was all worth it in my eyes. They are the loves of my life and they mean more to me than I can even put into words. I live for them and I will die for them. Period.

Losin It...

Today at work I was checking my hotmail to see if I received an alert from H&R Block to let me know if my money was put on the card yet and the lil office manager comes into my office (that I share with my boss, who was also sitting right behind me) and sees me click my hotmail screen down.

her: You know, if you don't have anything to do I can find you something.

me: *whips head around* What? *stares* I have stuff to do, what are you talking about?

her: I see you click that screen down, you over there chatting.

me: Chatting? Um no.

her: Well what was that you clicked down? You want me to pull it up?

me: Go ahead. I don't care. I'll pull it up myself. *opens hotmail screen* See?

her: What about those down there you have open, what's that?

me: *opens other two browsers* UPS to make a shipping label... annnd OUR website so I can access our part catalog.

her: *blank face*

me: I was looking at something. So how was I chatting? Did you see me typing?

her: *hmph*

my boss: What is going on?

me: Yeah. I was checking the status of my tax return because I have some bills that need my attention. Sorry I have other things to do in life besides just sit at this desk all day.

And turned my ass right back around and continued to do my work. Fuck outta here.

I can't be dealing with this bullshit much longer. Usually I am capable of conducting myself professionally, for the sake of a paycheck and only for the sake of a paycheck. But today I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I mean I'm a grown ass woman with children, you don't approach me like that, like you checkin me and you ain't even my boss.... pssshhh.

Yall please pray I don't headbutt this hoe.

Untitled

I just wanted to share a random story I was reminded of last night. I saw a tweet about donations to Haiti and it made me think of last week when I was getting the kids ready for school. My oldest son (almost 6) was looking for his $1 for icecream the school has for sale every Friday. My daughter (8) walked up to him and said, "You don't need icecream, it's cold outside anyway. You gonna give your dollar to Haiti." in a demanding tone of voice lol. She is so sweet and silly.

Then that got me to thinking about her and the way she is, and I remembered something else she did when she was even younger, about five, and she just amazes me. We were leaving Wal Mart and in the parking lot she saw a young girl (maybe 10 years old) in a wheelchair (I believe she had Cerebral Paulsy) and my daughter asked me what happened to the girl. I said that I wasn't sure and maybe she was born that way or got into a car accident, and also explained that it's important to never stare or point at people who are different than you because it's rude and might make them feel bad.

her: oooh, okay. how is she going to get in her car?

me: her mommy will pick her up and help her get in there.

her: oh. how does she go to the bathroom?

me: i'm sure her mommy and family help her do that too baby.

her: oh. she's pretty.

me: awww *smile*

her: can i tell her?

me: you sure can baby girl.

So we walked over to the girl in the wheelchair as her mother was getting ready to put her in the van, and my daughter put her hand on the little girl's hand and said "you're beautiful." (melted my damn heart lol)

I'm not sure if the girl understood or not but she seemed to smile, and her mother was like, "Awww wow how sweet! Thank you sweetie." and gave her a little hug and smiled at me and said "She is an angel, bless you." I said "Thank you, so is she *pointed at her daughter* you have a good night." and waved goodbye to the girl.

Something I will never forget. Makes me kind of sad that people don't interact with eachother like decent human beings so much anymore. A little can really go a long way sometimes, you never know how much you can turn someone's day around just by giving them a compliment, or even a smile. And it doesn't even cost you anything.

Try it sometimes :)

Fashion Show Pics (late as hell)

Damn I completely forgot to tell yall (blame twitter) that I was in a fashion show for the first time in November. It was for the Annual Battle of Model and Designers Competition at the World Congress Center in Atlanta. Nothing major but I had fun and learned how to "walk" and "werk" and such.

Here are some pics :)

(pardon the order, I just uploaded them and left it at that lol)

the end.

I enjoyed myself, it was kinda weird getting dressed and undressed in a room full of like 100 people, male and female. Kept making sure to point my booty at a wall when I got undressed. At one point I had to change in the hallway backstage and I was just straight topless in a thong while people were dressing me and people running past me *eeek!* Soooo not accustomed to that type of shit. It was hectic and my feet hurt like a MUTHAFUCKA afterwards (I was there for 10 hours) but like I said, I had a good time. One of the designers I walked for (Jacka- designed the pink print halter dress) won 2nd Place and my Mom drove all the way down from NY to see me :) My Auntie also made a 3 hour drive up from south Georgia. Hoping to do some more in the future, in the meantime I'm in these books and working and getting my Super Mom on!

peace & love.

Deez Nuts

i came to work this morning and this was on my desk

???

so i decided to share a pic of this nonsense with ms. ava dior
me: so i come to work to this on my desk. um thanks for the peanuts? wtf who just gives people a handfull of peanuts on a sheet of paper without asking if they even want any? fuck these nuts.
ava: write 'deez' on the paper just for giggles....

*sends new pic to ava*

and i will be leaving it right here for the rest of the day.

:-P

Reflecting

i'm usually not the mushy type. i put up a barrier around my heart because i felt like to display my raw emotions makes me vulnerable or a sucker. but i really don't feel that way anymore. i didn't realize how tall i built that wall until i noticed how long it took me to take it down, and it's taken a pretty damn long time honestly. i'd get comfortable and take a couple bricks down, get hurt and stack them back up again.

in a few months i will have "been with" my man for 4 years.... i put quotes on "been with" because for a good while we were not in an actual relationship. we were more like best friends with benefits. we kicked it all the time (no, not just for sexin), held eachother down in times of need, got along very well, etc..... and silly me assumed that because i wasn't having sex with anyone else, then he shouldn't either. but it didn't turn out that way. i sensed it sometimes but shrugged it off. eventually i started to care. and then i wanted to know the truth... and the truth hurt. it broke my heart. i realized how much i loved him, i just never wanted to admit it to myself, i ignored that feeling for a long time because i was afraid of it. after the things "love" did to me before, i just didn't want to be love's friend. in the beginning neither of us wanted a relationship anyway. but once my feelings started to change, i pretty much kept that to myself, never verbalized it. never said "i love you." i kept up my hard facade. so i accept part of the blame for the way things went down because it is true that a man will only do what you let him do. a relationship doesn't exist just because one person feels like that's what it is. a relationship exists when two people have a mutual agreement that is what they have, and we never came to that agreement. so i couldn't get mad at him without getting mad at myself too.

after that, i let him know that i'm aware temptations exist and some people can resist them better than others. but at the same time, if he felt like he was missing something or had to get some things out of his system then he was free to do so, but not with me in the mix. that if he was not ready for a commitment, then we could no longer remain as we were. we would have to either part ways as friends or move ahead, in a relationship. and told him to take his time with that decision, don't just tell me what i want to hear. to think about how he really feels and what he wants and just be honest with me because we're both adults. he wiped a tear off my face and said, "i apologize from the bottom of my heart and every bone in my body, i never wanted to hurt you and i'm so sorry i did. i'm human, i made a mistake and i was wrong for that. i don't want anybody else." i accepted his apology and asked him to leave so he could take time to think about things. and he still said that he didn't want anybody else so.....

here we are now (this was over a year ago, before i started this blog). at first "taking him back" was awkward, i had those uneasy thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. suspicious. interrogated him when ever he returned a missed call.... he would get upset and say that if i don't trust him then we shouldn't be together and that it's not fair for me to give him a second chance without actually giving him a second chance. he had a point. so i decided to stop driving myself crazy and relax. it sucks when your mind gets the best of you, it's hard to get a grip. but like i said, he had a point. if you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. and if you decide to forgive someone and move ahead, you can't keep on holding the past against them. so you either need to take a deep breath and proceed with caution, or walk away if you aren't prepared/able to do that. i had do ask myself "is he doing anything wrong now?" and my answer (to the best of my knowledge) was "no."

if anything he was making an effort to do better but i was too occupied with being paranoid that i didn't give him a fair chance to prove he was sincere. and ever since then that's all he's done, we have remained "incident-free" lol. at first i was wondering "yeah okay, how long is this gonna last?" feeling like he was only doing these things because he felt bad and would soon slip up.... but that hasn't happened. and that paranoia i had doesn't even exist anymore, hasn't for quite a while actually. i feel a way i never felt before. i had gotten so used to rebuliding my wall that now when i just have a pile of bricks and nothing to do with them, i'm like what now? i've never gotten to this point with anyone before. all i know is it feels really good.

he keeps an eye on my kids while i go to class. he helps clean up, he cooks from time to time, sometimes even has dinner ready when i walk in the door so i don't have to do anything but make plates. he sings me silly songs, hugs me for no reason, curls up on me at night and squeezes me, smooches my forehead, and gropes me all the time (i like that cuz i'm a pervert). he's helped my sons learn to write their name and read, and he tries to comb my daughter's hair lol. whenever i'm down or frustrated he tells me "don't worry baby, we gon make it through this. i promise everything will be okay." and every morning when he wakes up, he smiles at me with his eyes half open and it makes me feel all soft and bitch-like inside. but i don't care. i'll be that lol. looking back on day one up until now, he has changed so much. some things i honestly thought i'd never see him do or hear him say. i just really appreciate that man. yeah we've been through a lot, but to me that's what makes it more real. it feels like we actually built something. nothing is perfect. and nobody is perfect either. but i do believe there are people who can be perfect for eachother. and it doesn't matter if it makes sense to the rest of the world or not.

all i know is i'm grateful to have someone who can make me feel a way i never knew. the way i deserve to feel.

and just because i feel like a punk now for being all open and lovey dovey-ish, let me say i also love him for (less mushy) things like this:

"oh i meant to tell you, you pooted in your sleep last night... like 3 times. stankin booty girl."

"damn why you get dressed so fast? i wanted to squeeze a titty."

me: *doing homework at the computer*

him: *slaps me on the shoulder with penis and keeps walking*

♥

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