Wednesday, May 27, 2009

*dooooby dooooby dooooo...*

oh sorry. thats what i sing out loud to myself when im bored lol.

so let's see.... what can i talk about?

i guess i feel like talking about marriage because i just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine and i love her but she just makes me feel some kinda way sometimes. like she is so pressed to get married, she puts deadlines on her love life and it just bothers me. like "if he hasn't done this and that by such and such a time, i'm done with it. i wanna see if i can have kids or not and my time is too precious to waste."

okay but at the same time, if you don't give someone a fighting chance because they gotta operate on your timeline and it's rushed or forced, it won't last. and isn't that time wasted too?

i really think that marriage is overrated these days. it's like people don't know what it really means anymore. that shit means FOREVER bitch.

FOREVERRRRR. and ever.

honestly, i could care less if i ever get married. my main goal to achieve in a relationship is to just be happy. period. now dont get me wrong, i'm not refusing to consider marriage or rejecting the idea of it altogether. i'm just saying that it's not that serious to me. i mean it's just some rings, a legal document and a ceremony. and then what? i mean really. what's changed? you love eachother more now because you have your relationship in a contract?

okay let me break this down from my point of view.

i understand the "concept" of marriage. you love me, i love you. i can't see me with anybody else (which isnt even always the case, smh...) and i want to give you this ring as a symbol of my appreciation for your love and tell you in front of all our family and friends. and give you my last name... and sign this paperwork.

im fine and mufuckin dandy with all of that... except the last part. paperwork. what the hell is that necessary for? except changing of the last name, which some feel offers up some type of claim or validation. okay i understand that to a certain extent. BUT what i don't understand is WHY is marriage such a big deal? because history and the bible tell us that's what we are "supposed to do" when we truly love someone?

so people just be all in love and shit and then rush to the altar. then a couple years later realize "damn this mufucka really gets on my nerves." and get a divorce.

or a man who isn't capable of being faithful asks his #1 to marry him to make her feel "special." awwww aint that cute how you fuck bitches on the side but it's okay because "i got the ring bitch." (how many times have we heard that one?) well good for you dummy! congratulations! you are the one he loves MOST. but doesn't that ring mean you are supposed to be the ONLY?

okay let me be fair here... OR the unfaithful trifling bitch who accepts the ring, knowing damn well she doesn't deserve it. end up on maury pulling up a chair holding his hand talkin bout "you know i love you right?" smh...

OR the gold-diggin bitch. who when she sees the ring her immediate thought is *cha-ching!*

OR the sucker for love ass man who proposes JUST so no other man can snatch his lady up. fools.

i could go on and on... but i won't. all im trying to say is most people these days take marriage too lightly. divorce rates are high as hell. because some people dont understand it's meant to be PERMANENT. because that's what marriage is. the rest of life. and just as quick as you can sign a piece of paper to commit to "the rest of my life with you baby," you can sign another piece of paper saying "oops my bad, i meant until i got sick of your shit." and get a divorce.

i just dont see the sense in legalizing love. atleast not within the first 5 years of being in a committed relationship AND being over the age of 25. that should be like a free trial period. bond. learn eachother's faults. live together. share hard times. share happy times. meet the family. see if you are capable of growing with that person. figure out if you can handle eachother's faults. laugh together. cry together. oh yeah and have sex. fuck that waiting til marriage shit. it's 2009... you better test drive that car before you sign the title and drive off the lot because if you end up with some crap you're stuck... for the rest of your life. and we all know how frustrating car repairs can be, catch my drift?

then again, who waits til marriage anymore anyways? ha!

before i go let me just state that i am not a marriage hater. i wish the best for married folks, it's a beautiful thing to have found your "other half" and love of your life and all that. my feelings are just that it's not valued the way it was intended to be as much anymore. and people get out of it too easily nowadays. married 2 years (or less!), decide you made a mistake and then sign divorce papers. like how REAL could the love have been if it's that easy to say fuck it? it just bothers me when people put the goal of marriage before the goal of happiness. if you strive for happiness and attain it, ride that out for a good while to make sure it has longevity. fuck marriage until you have that in order FIRST.

like i've been with my man for 3 years now. ups & downs. highs and lows. tears and laughter. hard times, easy times. challenges and triumphs, all that shit. and i dont care how high on cloud 9 i am... 3 years is NOT enough time to know if someone is who you should spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with. i tried to tell my friend this because she's been involved with her man for even less time than me and mine. and she's all "no, he should know by now if he wants to be married and start a family by now." saying this while SHE isn't even ready to start a family her damn self. so what's the rush then?

i asked her "why do you want to be married?"

her: "because that's what i want, i want to be married."

me: "okay but WHY? you want to be married just to be married, or do you want to be married because you feel like HE should be your husband?"

her: "because i... i feel like he's the man i should marry... and i'm bout to be 30 i want to see if i can try to have kids before i'm 35 and im not having kids unless im married."

me: "oh okay just checkin. cuz actually that shoulda been your response the first time. i suggest you stop thinking so hard and relax cuz you're gettin ahead of yourself. you can't rush that. and aren't you the one who always says "if God blesses me with a child then it's meant to be but if not, then that's His plan..." so why are you trying to script your life?"

her: "you know what... i dont like you. okay so what? okay you're right, okay. okay..."

and THAT my friends... is exactly what im talkin about.

pace your life. you only get ONE time to live it.


Lina said...

And see, I feel the same way. Marriage, if its real, doesn't need a slip...folks think I be tripping though. Why want marriage for the sake of marriage? What does that prove? Are you living a piece of the American dream? Yea..umm, no. I've said I wouldn't get married unless my partner wanted it, cause when I'm down for you, Im all the way down, so the paper isn't necessary for me. Needless to say, I feel you, homie.

Le Mamba Noir said...

Loves it. I'm all for marriage, but not to the extent of doing it just because. I think, despite how "loose" our society is as a whole, people feel marriage will save them from looking "loose" because their child(ren) live(s) in the same house as BOTH of their parents. Smdh but people just don't get the point.

Epitome said...

I FEEL YOU! 3 snaps in an isoceles triangle n shit. I do want to get married one day but I want it to be RIGHT. I know the fairy tale shit is just that, a fairy tale. But I want to get as close to that as possible, when I feel that with someone, I'll know he's the one. I never pictured myself married but I so want day, when it's right. Not just because it's convenient.

Bella said...

im soooo glad yall feel me lol i was like "wonder if im gonna offend anybody... *type type type* yeah like i give a fuck."


Anonymous said...

Whats your comments about Tiny marrying T.I.? THAT popped in my head when reading this LOL

SUCKER for love is correct on that note lol but I agree...what's the rush? I say [I'm 25] that if its meant to happen; you'll KNOW. It won't be forced or anything. People so damn desperate these days

Felecity said... just elaborated on an experience I just had with a friend and posted about yesterday....except she married this unknown last week. I'm so disgusted with her I don't even know what to do with myself.

Desiree said...

I've been a lurker for some time now - I love how you write, you remind me of my younger times, even though I'm not that much older than you are. :-)

I know where your friend is coming from and although what's coming out of her mouth is marriage it seems that what she really wants is to be a mother. And I totally get that.

See, you already have what she's looking for three (gorgeous) times over. It's kind of like a rich person saying money doesn't matter and you want to say, 'yeah that's because you have it'. You're absolutely right, we only get one life, one chance and it sounds like she's getting nervous because within that one life you get a small (getting smaller) window in which to have a baby. Once that window is closed, you're done. Over. And understandably, she's nervous about her window closing.

Tell your friend to take a deep breath because you're right, a marriage won't last if it's forced. I know of highschool sweethearts who married at 30 and didn't make it to their first anniversary and others who married after a few months (crazy to me personally) and are still going strong after ten years. Time is important, but it's not the end-all measurement.

Your friend needs to get really clear on what she really wants - marriage or kids. What if she marries this guy and it turns out he can't make kids? Will she leave? Then it's probably not marriage she's looking for. Because again, you're right - marriage is not 'I'll do it unless you do/don't do X'. It's I'll do it regardless and that 'regardless' is often too big and too scary for a lot of people and I don't blame them.

The only person in this world we can change is ourselves. I'm sure you know as a mother your kids are their own people and you can guide them and teach them but in the end they're going to live their own lives (down the line, not right now. :-) ) Your friend needs to decide for herself what's more important, making a plan to have kids regardless of her romantic situation or letting the romantic situation be right first before bringing kids into the picture and find the peace in that decision. It's so easy to blame someone else - 'I can't have kids now because I waited for your dumb ass!' When in reality, you made that choice for yourself.

Ok, this was a long ass comment, but I just had to speak on it. ;-)

Peace, girl!

simone_dior said...

let the chuuch say amen!
i think a lot of ppl are just in love w/ the idea of the wedding, gifts, dress, and the rest of the hoopla. i'd rather be in a relationship, happy , without the marriage and scared some nigga bout to shyst me out of half my shit. lol

Krissy said...

I just hope those who disagree with marriage for whatever reason have some good examples of what a great marriage is to go on personally. Not no fucking Obama or Bill Cosby or denzel. But some real people that you actually know. Like your parents or grandparents or aunts and uncles. I have those things. And I also know that Marriage is a great thing. I know you should marry your bestfriend and not just the person you're dating. I know that you can decide if you want to marry someone and it can happen in less then 3 years and can be successful. There are no rules on that. The only rule is that you truly love one another and aren't on any bullshit when you accept the ring or pop the question. Splitting up is easy, but it also cost you to divorce whether you're filthy rich or not. It's not free.

I'm like you're friend. I wanna have kids and I don't want to do so until I'm married. However, that's not the only reason I'd take a husband. I have some prime examples of what a long and lasting marriage looks like and feels like and that's what I'd want for myself. Love and happiness and then children. And it's not about a piece of paper or a ring because if you truly loved someone they could make a ring out of some rolled up foil and get down on the knee and you'd be just as excited because the love is true.

So I hope people don't get all caught up in what they see on TV and read in the media. It's not about what the bible or society says one should do. Because if we went on what today's society says, I'd just go fuck from random dude raw and have his kid and struggle. Since that's what the norm is these days.

But do it for love, do it because your heart tells you to, or don't.

Monique said...

Great post. I couldn't have explained the topic any better.

I have my own views about marriage and relationships, but hey, what works for me may not work for others. The keyword is "me".

Bella said...

wowww! thank you all for sharing your thoughts! i would LOVE to reply individually but im gonna be totally honest here, my comment replies would be super long and turn into a whole other blog post all in the comment section. lol! but seriously, i truly appreciate the comments, yall are great! :)

Gem said...

Bella, I totally agree. I am married, and I KNOW marriage is not valued anymore. I look at "friend" and my cousin. Both have been messing with these guys on and off for years. They are clearly not (marriage) compatible with these men for various reasons. But they string them on for when they hit 30 so they can get married and have babies because that's what it's "time to do". FUCKING BARF!

Said friend's sister was engaged to this dude who emotionally and physically abused her, she and his twin sister got into a fist fight in his house and he did nothing to help her, etc. But she stayed because he had a lot of money and let her drive his Benz AND she had to be "mother" to his kids, 1 of which is developmentally challenged and the guy won't put her in special classes or anything. The engagement recently was called off and I am SO glad.

Honestly, I got married young. But I've known my husband for years. Mucho, mas years. When I tell you we click, sync, everything, it's there. Even if our WORST fights and arguments, we know it will work out. Another thing is we are focused on US and developing us; not trying to pop out beige babies like babies are going out of style and "settling down". Fuck that, B.

I'm also tired of bitches acting like age 30 is the end of the world, your eggs dry up and you become desperate. That is the apex of ignorance.

Also, I agree that a few years under your belt does not equal marriage readiness. Be proud of the years you're investing in each other because if marriage does happen, it was a great investment that you took the time to really know each other, dookie crumbs and all. If you don't get married, it was a great investment in yourself whether you realize it or not.

People need to stop looking at marriage as a means instead of an end.

K. Michel said...


I think I'm the only man here, so I'll just say what I came to say. Marriage symbolizes what "The American Dream" is.

This dream relies heavily on creating a family... so I don't think it's marriage in itself that your friend wants (as others have suggested), but a family of her own. The children, the house...

--The whole lifestyle. In order to achieve this, you have to be married ...because otherwise people will look at you funny.

In other words? You can't say you're successful without being married.

Bella said...

Gem is inside my head with her comment lol.

and @K.Michael thanks for being a brave male soul and speaking up :) lol my friend actually wants the MARRIAGE, she is quick to admit that she is in no position to be a mother right now. however, she feels pressure because she wants to be the one in her family who "gets it right" because her brother has 4 different kids by 4 different women. her mother is a single mother. and none of the ladies in her family have gotten married yet. so yeah she feels like she HAS to be married in the near future to "stop the cycle" (as she puts it)

i just dont think people should base their lives on getting the thumbs up from others or trying to make a statement. like "ha! i did it!" u know? like she wants to get married just to say she has that. to me thats like buying a home before you even have the money to furnish it.

Unknown said...

Can I say TABERNACLE?!!!
The point you made about women being accepting of the husband's cheating ways because they got 'the ring'.

You were shaming some folks.

Point of it all,women don't be dumb broads.