"I Feel You"

i can't stand when people say that shit to me and they aren't even (or have never been) in my situation.

one of my friends, whom i love DEARLY by the way, is always saying this shit to me.

"i feel you girl."

um how? you don't even have any kids and you live with your mom. and honestly part of the reason yall "struggle" is because you work part-time and sleep full-time. instead of being productive and seeking full-time employment, i'm hearing "girl i just woke up."....... at 4:00 pm...... on a weekday. and "i know i'm broke but i just bought a pair of jeans from my job, they fit so nice, i just had to get them."

while i wake up at 7am everyday, work until 6pm, go to school, tend to 3 kids, cook, clean, do laundry, buy my children clothes before myself and i pay rent and bills. i'm carrying a whole household on my back right now.

but you feel me huh? *scratches head*

don't get me wrong, she has goals and talks about doing better but it's like don't complain about something if you're not going to DO anything about it and then claim to feel ME. because as much as i sit here and complain about my job, know that i spend just as much time looking for a new one.

i love her like a sister but damn... you gotta walk in my shoes before you can tell me you know how my feet feel.

2010 Fuckery

Happy New Year! (5 days late. oh well.)

My New Year's Eve was.... eh. First, I agreed to watch two of my daughter's friends for the WEEKEND (which begins on Friday night, right?) but then one of the girl's mother asked if they could come a night early. I knew why (so they could get their celebration on) but hell I didn't have any plans and she's kept my kids for days at a time on more than one occasion so I said sure, we can have a party! Even though I didn't really want to lol but as mothers, we got codes. If you watched ALL THREE of my kids for a whole week, the least I can do is watch your daughter and niece for 3 days. Okay so then she texts me asking if her other friend (who I've met about 3 times) can leave her daughter with me overnight and pick her up in the morning around 9am, and also said that she would pay me for doing so. So I agreed, ONLY for those reasons. Early pick up and cash? Cool.

So they all get dropped off. THEN my other friend calls me, she'd been at the hospital all day with a friend of hers who was in labor and said that her other friend needs to go and get ready for her evening and she really wants to stay with her friend until the baby is born or else she will give birth all alone. And she kept talking about how nobody would watch her boys for her so she can stay at the hospital, etc. (Her friend also ONLY speaks Spanish and the nurses were just doing stuff to her without explaining what it was they were doing or why- so the lady was freaked out a little bit). Sooo I said "tell your friend to drop them off here and then when the baby is born, you can pick them up."

EIGHT KIDS.

Everything was fine, they were loud but shit it was 8 of them so that's to be expected. Well the lady had her baby around 9:30pm and my friend kept texting me that she was on her way soon and also saying how she feels bad for me being stuck in the house with eight kids and yada yada yada....

So why did this heffer text me about 11:20pm talkin about "I really hate to ask you this but can the boys sleep over? I'm so tired man I've been up since 7am I'm so exhausted. I just wanna go home and sleep girl." And she even has to drive past my exit to get home? Please.

my reply: girl.......? I get up at 7 am every single day.

(she doesn't work- by choice)

So she came and got them at 11:50pm and wouldn't even stay 10 minutes to wait until midnight so her kids can throw confetti and make noise with the rest of the kids. Anyways.....

My hunny got picked up by his boy earlier that night and before he left I said "Damn, he's gonna get drunk and not feel like driving you back home." He was like "Fuck that. I'm coming home. I will drive HIS car here if I have to and he can get home however he gets home. I told his ass already I ain't with that bullshit."

And that's exactly what ended up happening lol. He drove back home in his boy's truck with dude passed out drunk in the passenger seat, threw a blanket on his ass and left him knocked out in the truck in the driveway.... it was cold as fuck out there too :-/

*insert drunken new years sexy time here*

*fast forward to the next day*

The extra little girl I agreed to watch who was supposed to be picked up in the MORNING and who I was supposed to be PAID to watch ended up going down like this here:

5:00 PM

No call from her mother, nothing. Even though when she dropped her off she said "I have your number, do you have mine?" and I told her no I didn't and to call or text me so I can save it if I need to get in touch with her.

Never happened.

So the other little girl's mother called and said she was going to swing by and drop off her daughter's hair scarf because she forgot it.

So I asked her "Um when is your friend coming to get her child?"

"Hmmm.... you know that is a good question because umm the last time I talked to her she said she woke up butt naked in some hotel room and didn't know where she was, and that was around noon."

Pardon?

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?!

Bitch I did you the favor of watching your child on NEW YEAR'S EVE of all eve's and you just gonna leave your child here without a word for damn near 24 hours?? But you had the sense to call your friend who doesn't even have your child and tell her what's going on? So her friend who dropped of the hair scarf for her own child ended up taking that little girl with her when she left.

Never even got so much as a text or phone call saying "I'm so sorry, but thank you for holding my child down for me."

And of course since she wasn't the one to pick her child up, I didn't get paid shit either.

It is VERY RARE that I even watch my own friend's children like that but honestly I never expected that type of shit from that chick so that's why I agreed to watch her child. Everytime I've ever been around her, she (and her daughter) were laid back, reserved, well-dressed, good-mannered.... but I guess you really never know people. All i DO know is that was my first and last time ever doing favors for a bitch I don't know very well.

The rest of the weekend went good tho! I actually had fun with the girls, we baked brownies and cookies, I gave them pedicures (pastel pink of course, I don't play that grown shit) and we had hot cocoa and played the wii (I kicked their ass in bowling haha). My five year old son tried to bag both my daughter's friends. Gonna tell one he wants her to be his girlfriend then not even 5 minutes later put his arm around the other one talkin about "And I like you too." I got my eye on that boy, tryina get older women already... smh.

Well it's late (kinda) and I'm about to relaaaaxxx now ;)

And let me know how the New Year is going so far for you!!

mi vida

oh shit i think this is my second post in a week! maybe?

anyway i have some random updates/nonsense i just feel like talking about...

okay first, im broke. but what else is new? i think i forgot to mention that the job my man found a couple months ago turned about to be some ol' bullshit commission fuckery. so he's still looking. i'm still looking. don't get me wrong i am grateful to have a job, it just isnt the job for me. AT ALL. it's robotic, simple, doesn't challenge my brain whatsoever. i feel like i've lost IQ points just working there for as long as i have. if they paid me halfway decent i might be able to deal with that. BUT they don't. my paycheck is an even bigger joke after that 10% salary cut they made and then to only get paid once a month fuckin suuuuucks.

i just wish out of all these jobs i applied to, SOMEBODY will call me for an interview soon. my resume is pretty damn good so i don't understand what the problem is. i guess there really aren't many places hiring right now *sigh* NOW i believe people when they say "i can't find a job." i used to suck my teeth and think "yeah okay, surrrre..." but searching myself has given me a reality check. shit truly is fucked up out here. but enough complaining, we are doing what we can do and we just have to keep on doing it.

i have my moments every now and then but at the end of the day i know it could be worse. yeah my bills are behind, but not to the point where shit is getting disconnected. the rent is paid, the lights are on, i have heat, water, food... shit even cable and internet which isn't even a necessity. it's hard stretching money and making dollars to magic tricks to keep it that way but like i said, it could be worse. and i'm thankful that it isn't.

i have beautiful, loving, crazy children to remind me what life is all about. and i have a man who... well he's just the shit. i don't know another way to put it. if yall knew how he was from day one up until now.... ooowhee. drastic change, for the better. i dont have time to get into our history right now but we've come a long way. i never expected to honestly but life is crazy and everything does happen for a reason. he helps me in every way he is capable and i'm in a state of contentment and happiness i have never known in my life. he also does music and recently wrote a song about strong women (good mothers, going to school, taking care of their kids, etc.) and told me it was dedicated to me. today he told me to call his phone and it was my ringtone :) it feels good to be appreciated, and in the form of a song at that lol.

ohhh i also have a great story about karma. i love that bitch.

i got a phone call from my bd's brother-in-law last week a day or two before christmas. he said that my bd called collect (apparently he's been in jail for months *shrugs* i didnt know and could care less) and gave him my phone number to call me and ask if i would DO HIM A FAVOR. i laughed immediately. i was like "a what? hahahaha yeah right." well his brother-in-law wasn't privy to the situation so i made a long story short and ran it down to him about how he volunteered to pay for daycare, let it get 3 months behind, paid less than half of it and told me i need to pay the rest because "we're not friends i don't do you favors." and when i asked him to just pay the rest of what he owed and go on about his life, his response was "fuck you."..... so he was like "ooooh wow. thats crazy. do you know what he wanted you to do?" i told him to humor me. well how bout this piece of shit wanted me to go to the police station, sign a release for his property so they would give me his $1280 and expected me to use it to bond him out.

o_O

i said "you know what? you can tell him the last thing he said to me. tell him i said: we're not friends, i don't do you favors and fuck you."

merry christmas to him! i hope he enjoyed that room temperature prison eggnog :)

*cheese*

ahhh... now let me go kick it with my baby. yall have a safe and happy new year!!

joy

this has been a rough year and i still have some way to go to get to where i want to be. but i KNOW where i'm going. and i know that i have the determination, endurance, strength and patience to get there.

even through the rain, i'll still bleed smiley faces and sunshine if you cut me because i have too many reasons to be happy to let anything break me down.

so for anyone going through a rough time right now, i just want to say a couple things.

1. believe in yourself at all times, ESPECIALLY when others don't. success is the greatest revenge of all.

2. know that your current struggle is only temporary.

3. if you think you've hit rock bottom, atleast there is nowhere left to go but UP.

4. obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal, so stay focused.

5. for every one thing that gets you down, think of two reasons to keep going.

6. don't be your own worst enemy. strive for (and accept) nothing short of your worth.

7. reduce negativity and unnecessary distractions in your life, even if that includes people.

8. if something isn't working, try a different approach or eliminate the problem simply by deciding if it's even worth your energy or not.

9. time spent complaining is time wasted. what is your PLAN?

and most importantly...

10. find something to love about every day.

Merry Christmas Hoe

i went to the grocery store this morning and grabbed a few things to share with the office today.

- muffins

- fruit

- cookies

- orange juice

shit like that.

well the little korean office manager lady says to me "oh how nice! you mind if i take a one pack of oran jews fo geeft?"

me: "gift for... who?"

her: "oh here. in de office. we goeeng to do raffle, deese can be fo someone to win as prize."

and just takes the shit out of the break room. okay i brought in 3 six-packs and most people drink coffee anyway but i was still o_O

fast forward to the end of the day. my turn to play the raffle game, which i dont even have the energy to explain the ridiculous way they went about leading you to your "magic number" for your corresponding gift.

well i ended up at #10

which was this:

im like okay cool. i cant read any of these korean characters but its a gift set of some sort.

chocolates?

dishes?

smell goods perhaps?

nope.

i opened the box and............................

thats right yall see that six pack of tropicana ORAN JEWS! i won my own muthafuckin juice back!

aint that a bitch.

now *vanna white hand motion* i ALSO received a calendar from the korean bank we do business with, a pack of copy paper (from our stock room), deck of cards (also in korean, of course), some chocolates (which i really aint mad at), but what you don't see here is 4 packs of this:

"and what the fuck is that bella?" you may ask... well my friend, it's seaweed.

yes.fucking.SEAWEED.

and the reason it is not in that picture is because i promptly gave that shit away to someone who actually eats it. see korean folks wrap their rice in this dry seaweed. sorry but im not eating shit that grows in spongebob's front yard. call me an ignorant, ungrateful, uncultured, asshole if you want. i dont give a single solitary fuck. this just isn't something that belongs in a "gift set" for christmas or any other occasion.

i need answers.

first i need to know what made her look at my orange juice and think "ooowhee now that's a nice gift, i just know someone had vitamin C on their wish list!"

and i need to know how a ream of copy paper got involved in these shennanigans.

i would also like someone to tell me what game of cards i'm supposed to play with a deck i can't even comprehend.

um the calendar, fuck it.

and the seaweed.... i just can't.

well, merry christmas yall!!

i'll be hitting the road for virginia beach EARLY tomorrow morning to spend christmas time with my family, i hope you all have a safe and lovely holiday :)

Reason #436637 Why...

i love this man.

me: doing homework, chin in palm with my lip poked out, staring at the computer screen...

him: "what's wrong? you look discouraged." comes over and rubs my neck and shoulders. "do you need anything?"

♥

it's the little things.

"Nope. Not a Drop."

i was reminiscing the other day about some drunken moments. yall remember the first time you got fucked up? well the first time i ever got officially drunk i was 14 years old (dont judge me). let me tell you the tale of...

OLDE ENGLISH

i was at my friend's house chillin and there was another chick there who we kicked it with a couple times and she asked me to walk to the store with her. so we go and as we're leaving she saw this dude she was "talkin to" and he was like "what yall bout to do?" (i'd seen him around but didn't know him like that) she told him "i dont know, why?" he said "yall wanna come chill? im about to pick up (so and so- dont remember his name.)" she just answered "yeah sure." for us both and i was like whatever, i guess i'll go.

he stops at the liquor store.

yeah we were 14 and he was old enough to buy liquor. at this point im thinking "what the...?" and when he gets back in the car he hands us a damn 40 oz. of Old English. now see i had beer before, my father used to let me have some sips on New Years Eve and SuperBowl games, etc. but not a whole damn 40 oz. i was just planning on not drinking mine. but after we arrived at, which i now assume was his mother's house, she was talkin to her dude in the kitchen and i was in the family room, his boy was sitting on the couch lookin like he wanted to talk to me but was nervous or some shit (which was good cuz he was too old for me. and large and ugly). well i got bored so i twisted the cap off n took a sip. and then another... and another... thought "oh this aint shit." and sips turned into chugs. then soon it was gone. and then i drank half of another one for some reason.

then i had to pee.

i was sitting down while i was drinking and i think i drank it in less than 15 minutes. dont ask me who i thought i was. so i realized i was drunk, but of course tried to play it off. mister old-n-nervous decided he wanted to sit next to me on the couch and try to get my phone number when i came back from peeing and i wasn't even tryina hear that shit so i waved at her and said "yo im ready to leave now." and stood by the door. her dude was like "aww yall aint even been here that long." i told him it was long enough for me and that if he didn't want to give me a ride home i will just walk. so he threw his car keys to pudge face (mufucka looked like beanie seagull- yes im fully aware of how i spelled that) and told him to drive me home.

the ride was silent except me telling him where to turn and proclaiming i was engaged to be married... at 14 years old. i had him drop me off in front of the wrong house on purpose, then walked up the street to my house. my sister and our neighbor were sitting on the steps and the first thing my sister said when she saw me was "oooh you're drunk." so i did the finger to my lips "ssssshhhhh" move, and giggled.

"damn i can smell it on your breath! dad is home, you can't go upstairs like that, come on let's go in the back."

so i followed them to the back and somehow decided i wanted to go into our building's laundry room instead and sit on top of a washer. i looked like a weeble wobble on that shit, talkin about "gum. i need gum. gimme gum." my sister said "i dont have any!"

"yes you do." *reached IN her mouth and TOOK her gum* smh

next thing i remember was them walking me up the street with one of my arms on each of their shoulders. i saw a man bringing trash bags to the curb and yelled out "oh shit its trash day?! i didnt know it was trash day! aw damn it." as if it was of some significance to me (?) then we went onto the playground at the pre-k on the corner. i sat on the lil steel bus talkin about some damn "vrrrrooooom! beep beep!!" and banged my forehead against the steering wheel. damn shame how i get an injury driving a stationary playground fixture.

so since that was a bad idea, we went up in my neighbor's house, who we shared a top porch with. i remember my sister calling a friend of mine and i was on the phone with her saying something about being drunk and engaged (and i had actually put my lil diamond pinky ring onto my left ring finger at some point). but our neighbor friend's mom came home and if she saw me drunk she'd tell my father so we snuck out onto the top porch. with my father in the living room on the other side of the door.

i was shook as hell. but unfortunately no amount of shookness could sober me up. it was about to start getting dark and i'd already been gone all day so of course my father was looking for me. my sister told him she hadn't seen me. but i realized i just better take my ass home. so they snuck me out of the neighbor's house and i went downstairs, opened our door and went up. walked in and went straight to the bathroom. splashed my face with cold water then came out trying to act like i was tired and didnt feel good.

nice try.

my father was like "have a seat over there for a minute."

"aw fuck."

i sat my ass down and stared at the tv like everything was just cool.

dad: where were you?

me: with danielle.

dad: who the hell is danielle?

me: neasha's friend.

dad: ok where? doing what? drinking?

me: *innocent face* whaaat? no! *stares back at tv*

dad: so you haven't been drinking?

me: nope. not a drop.

3...2...1...


*BARF!*

all over the living room floor.

i dont remember feeling anything, but i do remember my hair flying across my face cuz he went upside my head.

me: *sobbing* im so sorry i'll never drink again!

lies.