Reflecting

i'm usually not the mushy type. i put up a barrier around my heart because i felt like to display my raw emotions makes me vulnerable or a sucker. but i really don't feel that way anymore. i didn't realize how tall i built that wall until i noticed how long it took me to take it down, and it's taken a pretty damn long time honestly. i'd get comfortable and take a couple bricks down, get hurt and stack them back up again.

in a few months i will have "been with" my man for 4 years.... i put quotes on "been with" because for a good while we were not in an actual relationship. we were more like best friends with benefits. we kicked it all the time (no, not just for sexin), held eachother down in times of need, got along very well, etc..... and silly me assumed that because i wasn't having sex with anyone else, then he shouldn't either. but it didn't turn out that way. i sensed it sometimes but shrugged it off. eventually i started to care. and then i wanted to know the truth... and the truth hurt. it broke my heart. i realized how much i loved him, i just never wanted to admit it to myself, i ignored that feeling for a long time because i was afraid of it. after the things "love" did to me before, i just didn't want to be love's friend. in the beginning neither of us wanted a relationship anyway. but once my feelings started to change, i pretty much kept that to myself, never verbalized it. never said "i love you." i kept up my hard facade. so i accept part of the blame for the way things went down because it is true that a man will only do what you let him do. a relationship doesn't exist just because one person feels like that's what it is. a relationship exists when two people have a mutual agreement that is what they have, and we never came to that agreement. so i couldn't get mad at him without getting mad at myself too.

after that, i let him know that i'm aware temptations exist and some people can resist them better than others. but at the same time, if he felt like he was missing something or had to get some things out of his system then he was free to do so, but not with me in the mix. that if he was not ready for a commitment, then we could no longer remain as we were. we would have to either part ways as friends or move ahead, in a relationship. and told him to take his time with that decision, don't just tell me what i want to hear. to think about how he really feels and what he wants and just be honest with me because we're both adults. he wiped a tear off my face and said, "i apologize from the bottom of my heart and every bone in my body, i never wanted to hurt you and i'm so sorry i did. i'm human, i made a mistake and i was wrong for that. i don't want anybody else." i accepted his apology and asked him to leave so he could take time to think about things. and he still said that he didn't want anybody else so.....

here we are now (this was over a year ago, before i started this blog). at first "taking him back" was awkward, i had those uneasy thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. suspicious. interrogated him when ever he returned a missed call.... he would get upset and say that if i don't trust him then we shouldn't be together and that it's not fair for me to give him a second chance without actually giving him a second chance. he had a point. so i decided to stop driving myself crazy and relax. it sucks when your mind gets the best of you, it's hard to get a grip. but like i said, he had a point. if you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. and if you decide to forgive someone and move ahead, you can't keep on holding the past against them. so you either need to take a deep breath and proceed with caution, or walk away if you aren't prepared/able to do that. i had do ask myself "is he doing anything wrong now?" and my answer (to the best of my knowledge) was "no."

if anything he was making an effort to do better but i was too occupied with being paranoid that i didn't give him a fair chance to prove he was sincere. and ever since then that's all he's done, we have remained "incident-free" lol. at first i was wondering "yeah okay, how long is this gonna last?" feeling like he was only doing these things because he felt bad and would soon slip up.... but that hasn't happened. and that paranoia i had doesn't even exist anymore, hasn't for quite a while actually. i feel a way i never felt before. i had gotten so used to rebuliding my wall that now when i just have a pile of bricks and nothing to do with them, i'm like what now? i've never gotten to this point with anyone before. all i know is it feels really good.

he keeps an eye on my kids while i go to class. he helps clean up, he cooks from time to time, sometimes even has dinner ready when i walk in the door so i don't have to do anything but make plates. he sings me silly songs, hugs me for no reason, curls up on me at night and squeezes me, smooches my forehead, and gropes me all the time (i like that cuz i'm a pervert). he's helped my sons learn to write their name and read, and he tries to comb my daughter's hair lol. whenever i'm down or frustrated he tells me "don't worry baby, we gon make it through this. i promise everything will be okay." and every morning when he wakes up, he smiles at me with his eyes half open and it makes me feel all soft and bitch-like inside. but i don't care. i'll be that lol. looking back on day one up until now, he has changed so much. some things i honestly thought i'd never see him do or hear him say. i just really appreciate that man. yeah we've been through a lot, but to me that's what makes it more real. it feels like we actually built something. nothing is perfect. and nobody is perfect either. but i do believe there are people who can be perfect for eachother. and it doesn't matter if it makes sense to the rest of the world or not.

all i know is i'm grateful to have someone who can make me feel a way i never knew. the way i deserve to feel.

and just because i feel like a punk now for being all open and lovey dovey-ish, let me say i also love him for (less mushy) things like this:

"oh i meant to tell you, you pooted in your sleep last night... like 3 times. stankin booty girl."

"damn why you get dressed so fast? i wanted to squeeze a titty."

me: *doing homework at the computer*

him: *slaps me on the shoulder with penis and keeps walking*

♥

"