Deez Nuts

i came to work this morning and this was on my desk

???

so i decided to share a pic of this nonsense with ms. ava dior
me: so i come to work to this on my desk. um thanks for the peanuts? wtf who just gives people a handfull of peanuts on a sheet of paper without asking if they even want any? fuck these nuts.
ava: write 'deez' on the paper just for giggles....

*sends new pic to ava*

and i will be leaving it right here for the rest of the day.

:-P

Reflecting

i'm usually not the mushy type. i put up a barrier around my heart because i felt like to display my raw emotions makes me vulnerable or a sucker. but i really don't feel that way anymore. i didn't realize how tall i built that wall until i noticed how long it took me to take it down, and it's taken a pretty damn long time honestly. i'd get comfortable and take a couple bricks down, get hurt and stack them back up again.

in a few months i will have "been with" my man for 4 years.... i put quotes on "been with" because for a good while we were not in an actual relationship. we were more like best friends with benefits. we kicked it all the time (no, not just for sexin), held eachother down in times of need, got along very well, etc..... and silly me assumed that because i wasn't having sex with anyone else, then he shouldn't either. but it didn't turn out that way. i sensed it sometimes but shrugged it off. eventually i started to care. and then i wanted to know the truth... and the truth hurt. it broke my heart. i realized how much i loved him, i just never wanted to admit it to myself, i ignored that feeling for a long time because i was afraid of it. after the things "love" did to me before, i just didn't want to be love's friend. in the beginning neither of us wanted a relationship anyway. but once my feelings started to change, i pretty much kept that to myself, never verbalized it. never said "i love you." i kept up my hard facade. so i accept part of the blame for the way things went down because it is true that a man will only do what you let him do. a relationship doesn't exist just because one person feels like that's what it is. a relationship exists when two people have a mutual agreement that is what they have, and we never came to that agreement. so i couldn't get mad at him without getting mad at myself too.

after that, i let him know that i'm aware temptations exist and some people can resist them better than others. but at the same time, if he felt like he was missing something or had to get some things out of his system then he was free to do so, but not with me in the mix. that if he was not ready for a commitment, then we could no longer remain as we were. we would have to either part ways as friends or move ahead, in a relationship. and told him to take his time with that decision, don't just tell me what i want to hear. to think about how he really feels and what he wants and just be honest with me because we're both adults. he wiped a tear off my face and said, "i apologize from the bottom of my heart and every bone in my body, i never wanted to hurt you and i'm so sorry i did. i'm human, i made a mistake and i was wrong for that. i don't want anybody else." i accepted his apology and asked him to leave so he could take time to think about things. and he still said that he didn't want anybody else so.....

here we are now (this was over a year ago, before i started this blog). at first "taking him back" was awkward, i had those uneasy thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. suspicious. interrogated him when ever he returned a missed call.... he would get upset and say that if i don't trust him then we shouldn't be together and that it's not fair for me to give him a second chance without actually giving him a second chance. he had a point. so i decided to stop driving myself crazy and relax. it sucks when your mind gets the best of you, it's hard to get a grip. but like i said, he had a point. if you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. and if you decide to forgive someone and move ahead, you can't keep on holding the past against them. so you either need to take a deep breath and proceed with caution, or walk away if you aren't prepared/able to do that. i had do ask myself "is he doing anything wrong now?" and my answer (to the best of my knowledge) was "no."

if anything he was making an effort to do better but i was too occupied with being paranoid that i didn't give him a fair chance to prove he was sincere. and ever since then that's all he's done, we have remained "incident-free" lol. at first i was wondering "yeah okay, how long is this gonna last?" feeling like he was only doing these things because he felt bad and would soon slip up.... but that hasn't happened. and that paranoia i had doesn't even exist anymore, hasn't for quite a while actually. i feel a way i never felt before. i had gotten so used to rebuliding my wall that now when i just have a pile of bricks and nothing to do with them, i'm like what now? i've never gotten to this point with anyone before. all i know is it feels really good.

he keeps an eye on my kids while i go to class. he helps clean up, he cooks from time to time, sometimes even has dinner ready when i walk in the door so i don't have to do anything but make plates. he sings me silly songs, hugs me for no reason, curls up on me at night and squeezes me, smooches my forehead, and gropes me all the time (i like that cuz i'm a pervert). he's helped my sons learn to write their name and read, and he tries to comb my daughter's hair lol. whenever i'm down or frustrated he tells me "don't worry baby, we gon make it through this. i promise everything will be okay." and every morning when he wakes up, he smiles at me with his eyes half open and it makes me feel all soft and bitch-like inside. but i don't care. i'll be that lol. looking back on day one up until now, he has changed so much. some things i honestly thought i'd never see him do or hear him say. i just really appreciate that man. yeah we've been through a lot, but to me that's what makes it more real. it feels like we actually built something. nothing is perfect. and nobody is perfect either. but i do believe there are people who can be perfect for eachother. and it doesn't matter if it makes sense to the rest of the world or not.

all i know is i'm grateful to have someone who can make me feel a way i never knew. the way i deserve to feel.

and just because i feel like a punk now for being all open and lovey dovey-ish, let me say i also love him for (less mushy) things like this:

"oh i meant to tell you, you pooted in your sleep last night... like 3 times. stankin booty girl."

"damn why you get dressed so fast? i wanted to squeeze a titty."

me: *doing homework at the computer*

him: *slaps me on the shoulder with penis and keeps walking*

♥

"

Bad Girl?

Sooo I got asked to cast for Bad Girls Club today.....

my response: I have kids and they need a good role model. So no thanks.

I have never even watched an episode of this show. I've just seen clips of it and heard people talk about it. And that didn't gain my interest, it only deterred it. Just sounds like a bunch of rowdy bitches with no good sense who talk and behave stupidly. Woopty Doo. If I even went on that show I'd wake up, hear some bitches talking outside my room....

and do this

just off GP.

Like "stop talking about stupid shit." and take my ass back to bed. I don't understand the point of this show. Oooo look a buncha bitches done lost their minds. Okay? And I have a daughter. What the hell do I look like going on national tv and making an ass out of myself? I'm tempted to let her watch this shit just to show her how NOT to behave (shout out to the homie Jaila for that idea lol)

I'm sick of all these "reality" shows in general actually.

Flavor of Ray J's Dick.

Jersey Whores.

The Fake World.

etc...

I refuse to donate any of my brain functions towards those shows. I'd rather watch something on the History Channel or National Geographic and learn something than watch bitches chase after "celebrity" penis, or get drunk and fight eachother, or watch people party and fuck carelessly or live in a "real" world that doesn't look a damn thing like the world I live in. I don't know....

Maybe I'm getting old.

Or maybe I'm just getting wiser.

How do you feel about these shows?

Food For Thought

"every man with a penis isn't a dog and every bitch with a vagina isn't a lady." - Bella

that is all.

Haiti Needs Your Help

As we all know, Haiti has been devastated by an earthquake. It amazes me that some people can shrug it off or show lack of concern and justify it by saying, "shit we have our own problems and our own hungry and homeless people to take care of here."

This is true. BUT if you haven't been doing anything to assist in that cause EITHER then what are you complaining for? A majority of people in the U.S. are homeless and hungry because they made some bad decisions in their life and need to get it together. There are the disabled or victims of circumstance, who make up the smaller percentage of homeless people, I'm just saying a MAJORITY of people in that position put themselves there (and I do donate to the Salvation Army and have helped strangers many times in my life, so yes I do care about domestic issues too). Haiti is already the poorest nation and they were minding their business when this earthquake hit. I don't see how anyone can be insensitive to such a massive loss of human life and destruction.

Maybe simply hearing about it or reading about it isn't enough. But right now THIS is what the people of Haiti are going through:

And THIS is what you can do to help (list compiled by google of all organizations assisting in relief to Haiti).

Also, please click here to see the population map of how the earthquake impacts Haiti.

I'm sorry but if anyone can look at this like it doesn't matter, then they have no heart or regard for mankind. Even if you can't do a lot, if a lot of people do a little- it adds up to a lot.

My thoughts and my heart go out to the people in Haiti and their loved ones who are also devastated by the loss and tragedy.

I would also like to share a song in memory of Teddy Pendergrass passing away yesterday, one which I think we all need to hear and appreciate.

Wake Up Everybody.

And Rest in Peace to those who can't.

Watch Out Now

i have some shit to talk about.

i always do actually, but somehow when i tell myself "oooh i need to blog about that..." later on i'm like "shit... what the hell was that thing i wanted to blog about?"

so today i decided to keep a lil notepad with me to make a note of these things. and i already have five topics. makes me wonder how many "blogable" thoughts i've lost in the last WEEK... smh... i'm almost certain this has a lot to do with me slackin on my posting.

so be on the lookout for musings from me and my handy dandy notebook! :)

Get It Together

Okay, there is one thing that really irritates me.

And that is: stupid bitches. I am revolting against stupid bitches in 2010.

There are many breeds of stupid bitch. Today I am talking about the opportunistic, misguided, money hungry variety.

I don't even know where to start... I guess I'll just do a list (i already had a rant about this on twitter today but 140 characters just ain't enough sometimes)

Things These Stupid Bitches Do

1. hold men to materialistic standards they don't even meet their damn self- if you drive a ford focus or take the bus how DARE you say it's a requirement for a man you deal with to be in a luxury car. if you're unemployed or work some part-time retail gig (and don't even go to school), how DARE you say a man must make a lot of money to fuck with you?

2. hold men to moral standards they don't even meet their damn self- if you're looking for a man to save you from financial burdens and end up with a man who does so, but treats you like shit, then you got what you asked for. if you treat a man like an ATM machine and only care about making withdrawls, DO NOT expect him to deposit anything but money and nut into your life. quality time? loyalty? pssshhh...

3. front like men just give them money and gifts for no reason- um 9 times out of 10.... you fuckin. be on the phone like "yeah girl he swear he getting some ass. please he better just come out them pockets and shut up." meanwhile receiving a text from him saying "you know you left your panties over here last night?" mhmmm... if your mentality is all you have to do is throw him some ass and he throws you some cash, you're basically just a "clever" prostitute, stop frontin. and don't flatter yourself.

4. brag about stupid shit- telling everyone that your fuck buddy/trick bought you a winter coat is basically like putting up a Burlington Coat Factory billboard with your vagina on it. "guess what! my pussy is worth $89.99 bitches!" well bravo for you hoe.

5. wonder why they are lonely- if deep inside you really want LOVE, get a fuckin grip and compose yourself. and your labia. you can't be out here fuckin all willy nilly and expect a man to snatch you up and roll out the red carpet for your raggedy ass. don't act like some big ol' pimpstress one minute and then mope about how lonely you are. pick a side and stay there.

6. say "men ain't shit." and "fuck men." - whenever i see or hear these statements i want to just go upside a bitch's head with a bottle of finely aged STFU. if you are out here using a man, expect to be used in return at some point. it's called karma.

7. use their pussy as a meal ticket- if you think you have a platinum vagina that will carry you all the way through life, i would like to kick your mother in the taint for not teaching you better. get some business about yourself. immediately.

8. mention how broke they are within the first two days of meeting a man- FAIL. (no further commentary necessary)

9. teach their daughters this foolishness- if you encourage your daughter to make sure she gets a rich man, without mentioning all else that is important in a man, fuck your life.

10. bring insignificant men around their child(ren)- some, not all, of these bitches think that if a man sees her children, they will feel more sorry for them and be more eager to help (that is, if they've "hit the jackpot" and found a sucka for love ass dude). this is just so wrong for so many reasons. using your kids for pity points? you're a just a bum using advanced peddling techniques, basically. and i won't even get into the chicks who's theme song is "have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire..."

*sigh*

I just need bitches to do better so we have less bitches and more LADIES in the world!

(Please stay tuned for further Stupid Bitch PSA's)