mi vida

oh shit i think this is my second post in a week! maybe?

anyway i have some random updates/nonsense i just feel like talking about...

okay first, im broke. but what else is new? i think i forgot to mention that the job my man found a couple months ago turned about to be some ol' bullshit commission fuckery. so he's still looking. i'm still looking. don't get me wrong i am grateful to have a job, it just isnt the job for me. AT ALL. it's robotic, simple, doesn't challenge my brain whatsoever. i feel like i've lost IQ points just working there for as long as i have. if they paid me halfway decent i might be able to deal with that. BUT they don't. my paycheck is an even bigger joke after that 10% salary cut they made and then to only get paid once a month fuckin suuuuucks.

i just wish out of all these jobs i applied to, SOMEBODY will call me for an interview soon. my resume is pretty damn good so i don't understand what the problem is. i guess there really aren't many places hiring right now *sigh* NOW i believe people when they say "i can't find a job." i used to suck my teeth and think "yeah okay, surrrre..." but searching myself has given me a reality check. shit truly is fucked up out here. but enough complaining, we are doing what we can do and we just have to keep on doing it.

i have my moments every now and then but at the end of the day i know it could be worse. yeah my bills are behind, but not to the point where shit is getting disconnected. the rent is paid, the lights are on, i have heat, water, food... shit even cable and internet which isn't even a necessity. it's hard stretching money and making dollars to magic tricks to keep it that way but like i said, it could be worse. and i'm thankful that it isn't.

i have beautiful, loving, crazy children to remind me what life is all about. and i have a man who... well he's just the shit. i don't know another way to put it. if yall knew how he was from day one up until now.... ooowhee. drastic change, for the better. i dont have time to get into our history right now but we've come a long way. i never expected to honestly but life is crazy and everything does happen for a reason. he helps me in every way he is capable and i'm in a state of contentment and happiness i have never known in my life. he also does music and recently wrote a song about strong women (good mothers, going to school, taking care of their kids, etc.) and told me it was dedicated to me. today he told me to call his phone and it was my ringtone :) it feels good to be appreciated, and in the form of a song at that lol.

ohhh i also have a great story about karma. i love that bitch.

i got a phone call from my bd's brother-in-law last week a day or two before christmas. he said that my bd called collect (apparently he's been in jail for months *shrugs* i didnt know and could care less) and gave him my phone number to call me and ask if i would DO HIM A FAVOR. i laughed immediately. i was like "a what? hahahaha yeah right." well his brother-in-law wasn't privy to the situation so i made a long story short and ran it down to him about how he volunteered to pay for daycare, let it get 3 months behind, paid less than half of it and told me i need to pay the rest because "we're not friends i don't do you favors." and when i asked him to just pay the rest of what he owed and go on about his life, his response was "fuck you."..... so he was like "ooooh wow. thats crazy. do you know what he wanted you to do?" i told him to humor me. well how bout this piece of shit wanted me to go to the police station, sign a release for his property so they would give me his $1280 and expected me to use it to bond him out.

o_O

i said "you know what? you can tell him the last thing he said to me. tell him i said: we're not friends, i don't do you favors and fuck you."

merry christmas to him! i hope he enjoyed that room temperature prison eggnog :)

*cheese*

ahhh... now let me go kick it with my baby. yall have a safe and happy new year!!

joy

this has been a rough year and i still have some way to go to get to where i want to be. but i KNOW where i'm going. and i know that i have the determination, endurance, strength and patience to get there.

even through the rain, i'll still bleed smiley faces and sunshine if you cut me because i have too many reasons to be happy to let anything break me down.

so for anyone going through a rough time right now, i just want to say a couple things.

1. believe in yourself at all times, ESPECIALLY when others don't. success is the greatest revenge of all.

2. know that your current struggle is only temporary.

3. if you think you've hit rock bottom, atleast there is nowhere left to go but UP.

4. obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal, so stay focused.

5. for every one thing that gets you down, think of two reasons to keep going.

6. don't be your own worst enemy. strive for (and accept) nothing short of your worth.

7. reduce negativity and unnecessary distractions in your life, even if that includes people.

8. if something isn't working, try a different approach or eliminate the problem simply by deciding if it's even worth your energy or not.

9. time spent complaining is time wasted. what is your PLAN?

and most importantly...

10. find something to love about every day.

Merry Christmas Hoe

i went to the grocery store this morning and grabbed a few things to share with the office today.

- muffins

- fruit

- cookies

- orange juice

shit like that.

well the little korean office manager lady says to me "oh how nice! you mind if i take a one pack of oran jews fo geeft?"

me: "gift for... who?"

her: "oh here. in de office. we goeeng to do raffle, deese can be fo someone to win as prize."

and just takes the shit out of the break room. okay i brought in 3 six-packs and most people drink coffee anyway but i was still o_O

fast forward to the end of the day. my turn to play the raffle game, which i dont even have the energy to explain the ridiculous way they went about leading you to your "magic number" for your corresponding gift.

well i ended up at #10

which was this:

im like okay cool. i cant read any of these korean characters but its a gift set of some sort.

chocolates?

dishes?

smell goods perhaps?

nope.

i opened the box and............................

thats right yall see that six pack of tropicana ORAN JEWS! i won my own muthafuckin juice back!

aint that a bitch.

now *vanna white hand motion* i ALSO received a calendar from the korean bank we do business with, a pack of copy paper (from our stock room), deck of cards (also in korean, of course), some chocolates (which i really aint mad at), but what you don't see here is 4 packs of this:

"and what the fuck is that bella?" you may ask... well my friend, it's seaweed.

yes.fucking.SEAWEED.

and the reason it is not in that picture is because i promptly gave that shit away to someone who actually eats it. see korean folks wrap their rice in this dry seaweed. sorry but im not eating shit that grows in spongebob's front yard. call me an ignorant, ungrateful, uncultured, asshole if you want. i dont give a single solitary fuck. this just isn't something that belongs in a "gift set" for christmas or any other occasion.

i need answers.

first i need to know what made her look at my orange juice and think "ooowhee now that's a nice gift, i just know someone had vitamin C on their wish list!"

and i need to know how a ream of copy paper got involved in these shennanigans.

i would also like someone to tell me what game of cards i'm supposed to play with a deck i can't even comprehend.

um the calendar, fuck it.

and the seaweed.... i just can't.

well, merry christmas yall!!

i'll be hitting the road for virginia beach EARLY tomorrow morning to spend christmas time with my family, i hope you all have a safe and lovely holiday :)

Reason #436637 Why...

i love this man.

me: doing homework, chin in palm with my lip poked out, staring at the computer screen...

him: "what's wrong? you look discouraged." comes over and rubs my neck and shoulders. "do you need anything?"

♥

it's the little things.

"Nope. Not a Drop."

i was reminiscing the other day about some drunken moments. yall remember the first time you got fucked up? well the first time i ever got officially drunk i was 14 years old (dont judge me). let me tell you the tale of...

OLDE ENGLISH

i was at my friend's house chillin and there was another chick there who we kicked it with a couple times and she asked me to walk to the store with her. so we go and as we're leaving she saw this dude she was "talkin to" and he was like "what yall bout to do?" (i'd seen him around but didn't know him like that) she told him "i dont know, why?" he said "yall wanna come chill? im about to pick up (so and so- dont remember his name.)" she just answered "yeah sure." for us both and i was like whatever, i guess i'll go.

he stops at the liquor store.

yeah we were 14 and he was old enough to buy liquor. at this point im thinking "what the...?" and when he gets back in the car he hands us a damn 40 oz. of Old English. now see i had beer before, my father used to let me have some sips on New Years Eve and SuperBowl games, etc. but not a whole damn 40 oz. i was just planning on not drinking mine. but after we arrived at, which i now assume was his mother's house, she was talkin to her dude in the kitchen and i was in the family room, his boy was sitting on the couch lookin like he wanted to talk to me but was nervous or some shit (which was good cuz he was too old for me. and large and ugly). well i got bored so i twisted the cap off n took a sip. and then another... and another... thought "oh this aint shit." and sips turned into chugs. then soon it was gone. and then i drank half of another one for some reason.

then i had to pee.

i was sitting down while i was drinking and i think i drank it in less than 15 minutes. dont ask me who i thought i was. so i realized i was drunk, but of course tried to play it off. mister old-n-nervous decided he wanted to sit next to me on the couch and try to get my phone number when i came back from peeing and i wasn't even tryina hear that shit so i waved at her and said "yo im ready to leave now." and stood by the door. her dude was like "aww yall aint even been here that long." i told him it was long enough for me and that if he didn't want to give me a ride home i will just walk. so he threw his car keys to pudge face (mufucka looked like beanie seagull- yes im fully aware of how i spelled that) and told him to drive me home.

the ride was silent except me telling him where to turn and proclaiming i was engaged to be married... at 14 years old. i had him drop me off in front of the wrong house on purpose, then walked up the street to my house. my sister and our neighbor were sitting on the steps and the first thing my sister said when she saw me was "oooh you're drunk." so i did the finger to my lips "ssssshhhhh" move, and giggled.

"damn i can smell it on your breath! dad is home, you can't go upstairs like that, come on let's go in the back."

so i followed them to the back and somehow decided i wanted to go into our building's laundry room instead and sit on top of a washer. i looked like a weeble wobble on that shit, talkin about "gum. i need gum. gimme gum." my sister said "i dont have any!"

"yes you do." *reached IN her mouth and TOOK her gum* smh

next thing i remember was them walking me up the street with one of my arms on each of their shoulders. i saw a man bringing trash bags to the curb and yelled out "oh shit its trash day?! i didnt know it was trash day! aw damn it." as if it was of some significance to me (?) then we went onto the playground at the pre-k on the corner. i sat on the lil steel bus talkin about some damn "vrrrrooooom! beep beep!!" and banged my forehead against the steering wheel. damn shame how i get an injury driving a stationary playground fixture.

so since that was a bad idea, we went up in my neighbor's house, who we shared a top porch with. i remember my sister calling a friend of mine and i was on the phone with her saying something about being drunk and engaged (and i had actually put my lil diamond pinky ring onto my left ring finger at some point). but our neighbor friend's mom came home and if she saw me drunk she'd tell my father so we snuck out onto the top porch. with my father in the living room on the other side of the door.

i was shook as hell. but unfortunately no amount of shookness could sober me up. it was about to start getting dark and i'd already been gone all day so of course my father was looking for me. my sister told him she hadn't seen me. but i realized i just better take my ass home. so they snuck me out of the neighbor's house and i went downstairs, opened our door and went up. walked in and went straight to the bathroom. splashed my face with cold water then came out trying to act like i was tired and didnt feel good.

nice try.

my father was like "have a seat over there for a minute."

"aw fuck."

i sat my ass down and stared at the tv like everything was just cool.

dad: where were you?

me: with danielle.

dad: who the hell is danielle?

me: neasha's friend.

dad: ok where? doing what? drinking?

me: *innocent face* whaaat? no! *stares back at tv*

dad: so you haven't been drinking?

me: nope. not a drop.

3...2...1...


*BARF!*

all over the living room floor.

i dont remember feeling anything, but i do remember my hair flying across my face cuz he went upside my head.

me: *sobbing* im so sorry i'll never drink again!

lies.

Shatter

Over the past couple days I've noticed a few things about myself, things I was too overwhelmed or distracted to notice before. I'm starting to think about my life harder than I ever have. I'm getting tired. I am fed up with the struggle. I am determined to look at every obstacle as a way to be more clever, to be stronger, to be smarter. I look at my babies and I feel like... "i HAVE to make it. i HAVE to." Any time I find myself feeling discouraged, I remind myself of my purpose.

We only get one life- ONE.

Today I did something I rarely do, let my brain be still. Just stop thinking about what needs to be done... and what needs to be done after that... and okay once that's done, then what? I feel like a robot sometimes. I started to think about alot of things... then I just cried. Just let every stress and every frustration roll down my face. I pretty much cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And I needed that. I hate to cry but I think as humans we just need to, atleast once in a while. One thing I like to say is: In order to get ourselves together, sometimes we need to fall apart.

I just make sure that when I pick up the pieces, I leave behind the parts I don't need anymore. Sometimes we need to stop and analyze ourselves. It's good to stop and think, what was I doing two years ago? And what am I doing now? Have I moved backwards or forwards? Is there anything I'm unhappy about right now that I can change?

Make a plan for yourself. What is your dream? What's standing in the way? How can you clear the path? Rarely in life are things going to happen just because we want them to really bad. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

And sometimes we need help, people to give us that encouragement when we're all tapped out. So choose your army wisely. You don't want negative people in your circle. I'm not saying cut off your miserable friends, just keep them outside your circle- love them from a distance. The more positive people you surround yourself with, the more that energy will rub off on you. The more goal-oriented people you associate with, the more you will strive for success. And don't let anyone tell you that you think you're better than anyone either. It's just growing up, we all have to do it eventually, some just get there quicker than others. That's their fault, not yours. And it's your life, not theirs.

Take some time to analyze yourself, figure out what you want, and how you can get there. Life is what you make it, so I suggest you make yourself proud.

Inner Peace

"For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."

I need a break. My mind needs a vacation and my body needs rest. I have too much going on right now with work, school, moving, tending to my children, taking care of home, and looking for a new job. Lately the average time I've been getting in bed is 1am... squeeze some lovin in there and the time I actually go to sleep is later than that lol. Then I wake up at 6:30am to start my day. And since I have classes all day Saturday (8:30am-5:50pm) the only day I really get to "rest" is Sunday. Which is also laundry day, woohoo! *sucks teeth n pouts*

On top of all that I blog, I tweet, I read blogs (yeah I be lurkin sometimes lol), I get phone calls and text messages. I get called upon for advice and venting, etc. I even have a friend who will call as I'm putting my kids in bed and ask me "What are you doing?" and I tell her "Putting them in bed..." but she keeps on talking anyway "Oh. Girl let me tell you what happened." NO. How bout I call you back after I tuck my children in? How about I not have a phone up to my face as I hug and kiss them goodnight? Finally I just have to cut her off and be like "yo i'ma call you back."

I try to do too many things, I push myself in too many different directions throughout the day. I let other people's problems become my problems. And lawd knows I have enough of my own as it is. I just can't do it anymore, atleast not right now. I'm going on hiatus. I'm putting my phone on silent from the moment I get home until 30 minutes after my kids are in bed. No more distractions, no more twitter, no more blogging, no more letting people talk my ear off about things that don't even matter when I have shit to do, none of that... not forever- just not rite now. I can't afford distractions at this point in the game.

I currently have an average of 100% in all three of my courses and I intend to make damn sure I keep it that way. All of the distractions I have are distractions that I allow, not anybody else. So it's up to me to reduce them. I just need more "me" time. My biggest goals right now are keeping good grades and finding a better job. In the meantime I'm making myself scarce. I may blog here and there but that's just because I can't help it, writing is one of my outlets and everybody needs that. I also must start taking my ass to bed at a more decent time, I'm gonna wear myself out with this 5 hours of sleep (or less) every night for months in a row nonsense. And I need to eat healthier, I LOVE JUNK FOOD. But I feel like your body is like a car, if you keep driving it without proper maintainence, it's gonna slowly but surely fall apart on you. Except the difference is, a car can be replaced- YOU can't.

I took some time to step back and look at myself and I just feel like there are some things I need to improve in different areas of my life, and also my physical and mental being. So I'm just gonna hang up a "Closed For Remodeling" sign up on my life right now. It may get a little unorganized, it may inconvenience some people... but when it's all said and done everything will be beautiful.

And I will finally have some inner peace.