Sunday, August 16, 2009

Being a Good Woman

Okay so pardon me but... I think I'm a pretty damn good specimen of the female species if I may say so myself, and I don't mean as far as appearances go. I mean as far as my mentality and my approach on life, along with my motherly skills.

I want to share some things I've learned over the years because I took on the role of a woman at an early age so I feel I'm qualified enough to speak on it.

Personal Background
As soon as I turned the legal age to work, I've been working non-stop. I've felt "grown" ever since. When I was 16, my stepmother committed suicide and I took on the role as the lady of the house. My brother and sister lived with my mother at the time (I didn't get along with her ignorant ass husband so I started living with my father when I was 15). I made my Dad his coffee in the morning, ironed his shirts, cleaned, cooked dinner, etc. At the same time I was working and going to school. I moved out of the nest on my own free will when I was 17, hadn't even graduated high school yet. I wasn't having any problems at home, nothing like that, I just wanted to be independent. I got into a roommate situation with a co-worker who was a tad bit older than me. We got along real well and she "took me under her wing" I guess you could say. I didn't have any rules and still managed to conduct myself very well. I had to contribute towards rent and bills just like any other roommate would have to. And even though we had lil parties, smoked weed and drank here and there, I never took any of that too far, I never got ridiculous with it, I always stayed focused.

When I was 18, I had 3 jobs. Not for any reason other than I wanted the most money I could possibly have. I loved to shop. But since I was working so much (mon-fri 12pm-4pm at my 1st job, then 5pm-10pm at my 2nd job and my 3rd job was on the weekends) I didn't really have the time to spend the money. But it just felt good to say "I got 3 jobs and I don't need nobody for shit." lol. Not "girl i'ma make this fool buy me some shoes." or "i bet this mufucka pay my phone bill." Fuck that shit.

I had a friend (when we were teenagers) who would cry broke to a man so he would give her money and then she would go buy some *wait for it* bamboo earrings :-/ And I would be like "What the fuck? Bitch don't you need food? And aren't you capable of working?" Why cry broke (literally- she pulled out tears for the man) if you're not even gonna be responsible with the help you get? That was just grimey to me. If a man tried to give me something that I know I don't deserve, I don't want it. If you were in need and I wouldn't feel the urge to look out for you, then I don't even feel comfortable accepting your help. If we are not close, if I'm not feelin you- I don't want a damn thing from you homie. It's just my natural way of thinking and it's gotten me very far I must say. If the only person you depend on is yourself, you can never be disappointed.

Here are some unwritten rules I have engraved in my head for myself:

1. Never depend on a man. I mean if you're in a solid relationship and he wants to help you and you would do the same for him, cool. I think that's called teamwork. But to depend on a man to pay your bills or car note or buy you food is just stupid to me. Eventually he's gonna realize that's all he's of use to you for and bounce. And then what? You gotta scramble to find another fool before the next light bill shows up in the mailbox? Pssshhh... THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. Get some business about yourself and handle your shit like a grown ass woman. I despise opportunistic bums.

2. Trust yourself. If you ask a friend for advice, take it in as such. Don't confuse advice for instructions. What works for them may not be what works for you. They won't have to live with the aftermath of your choice- but you will. Everyone's situation is not the same so they may be speaking on your situation from a different angle, their own. But the only person who has to live your life is YOU. So when making decisions, don't worry about what other people may think or say because it's your life, not theirs. The only exception to this I would say is if you have numerous people telling you the same thing, it's probably not a coinsidence and something you need to seriously evaluate. But in the end of course it is still your decision and only time will tell if you chose wisely.

3. Fail is the F-word to me. I want nothing to do with it. If I set out to do something and commit to doing it, there is no turning back or giving up. I moved out of my hometown in NY in October 2000 when I was 19 years old. And as many times as I've fallen, so to speak, I got my ass back up and kept it movin. I was asked to move back home several times, and I refused. "Oh, just come back here until you can get on your feet and then move back to Atlanta." Kiss my ass. I'll be damned if I ever get even remotely comfortable back home so I can get sucked back in that bitch. HELL NO. My friend even admitted to me last year that when I left, she said to a couple of our mutual friends "She'll be back." and they all were like "Oh yeah we know she will." HA! Negative. I left for a reason, for good. Literally and figuratively. I have children and I will never let them see me fail at shit. I will fight til my knuckles are bloody for their stability and security.

4. Keep a positive attitude. No matter how bad something seems, I guarantee it could be worse. Car accident ahead? Now you stuck in traffic right? Gonna be late for work now? You mad huh? Well maybe somebody in a car ahead of you just lost their life and will never work or see their family again. Be happy you were in that place and time so you weren't a part of the accident. Besides, being mad doesn't make anything move quicker. People need to learn not to stress things out of their control. Worrying is just that: worrying. All you're gonna do is upset yourself. If you think negatively, you will attract negative energy and results. If you remain positive and keep your cool, I promise you will make it through a situation much easier.

I really have more "rules" for myself I'd like to share but this is already long so I'll just do a part two in the near future. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!


P.S. I decided today that I want to go to school (yay!) so I'm in the middle of figuring out how I can do that now while juggling everything else in my life so if my investigation leads me to a road in my favor, I will have to make myself scarce on these innanets. I shall keep yall posted on that :)


Ava Dior said...

yaaaay im so happy about you going to school! any idea what you want to do yet?

i am just like you. ive been working since i was 15 and this right now (due to the recession) is the LONGEST ive ever been without work, its torture.

i never depend on a man. it can actually get to be in my way a little because i am so stubborn about it. for instance tony was mad at me for not "offering" to go with him to his court hearing but i knew i didnt have the extra gas money to make the two hour ride, and i was NOT going to ask him for it.

it bit me in the butt.

if i truly truly need out of a bind, i will ask for help, and if it is financial help, i ALWAYS pay it back as soon as i have it. i like to be independent and i dont like owing anyone.

you have a GREAT head on your shoulders and youre a great CATCH!!

Anonymous said...

Real talk there Bella!! I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a way to go back to school! You keep doing your thing, pressing forward...a way will open up to you.

Bella said...

thank you! all my ladies! independent! throw yo hands up at maaay! lmao yes girl i HATE to ask people for help. i too have been cursed out by loved ones for not asking them for something i was in need of lol everything will be okay soon :) oh and im looking into psychology, i think i'd make a good therapist or counselor hehe

Bella said...

thank you sexual chocl8t! i appreciate that! :)

Monique said...

Bella - I think you are freaking awesome. I'm sure I tell you that enough on Twitter but still. Your story is such a great testimony of someone who came up and is doing ok. Granted you are making the most the money, and you aren't living the "ideal life" by other's standards, but your life is filled with hope, happiness and promise of success. Fuckeverybody else. This yoru life. I'm sure you kids look up to you and know that their mom rocks.

You should definitely go back to school and don't worry about how you manage that. You will. Hell, take the classes on line heffa! LOL Keep doing your thing hun. Sky's the limit....

Bella said...

awwww thank you mama! you're so sweet :)

i dont know why but for some reason i want to be in an actual class and be hands-on with my learning. class online sounds weird to me, but i guess it wont hurt to just look into it and then make a decision based on what i learn about it, thanks hun :)

Anonymous said...

You know what, I can't say that I'm a mother and that I've really lived on my own and worked hard for everything because then I would be lying. In fact I'm quite the opposite of you. You're a mother, I'm not. You're strong, I'm not. You can speak your mind, I hide mine. These are just some of the reasons I'm glad I stumbled onto your blog and I can see why you have so many followers.

Every entry you write makes me want to be a better person and honestly I wish that one of my best friends can read you're blog because she's a mother when she turned 16 and been really struggling ever since but i know that you would be able to move her more than you've moved me. She needs to read things like this and stay positive and I can't tell her nothing because I DON'T know how it feels.

I don't know, I just really thankful there are people like you in the world. Bringing us day dreamers back to the real world.

Congrats on the thought of going back to school. I just say throw yourself in like I did. My mom still second guessing herself.

D. Rae

Bella said...

no, thank YOU for coming thru. wow i dont know why but you made me a lil teary-eyed n shit lol

thank you so much, im really kind of speechless because thats the nicest compliment i've gotten in a long time and i just dont know what to say lol, just know that you put a big smile on my face :)

i hope things get better for your friend, send her thru anytime. and if there is anything you ever want to talk about feel free to hit me up directly. my email is in my profile and my ears are always open :) thanks again!

Krissy said...

online classes are fine but not for psychology. Those aren't easy classes and the "up close and personal" help from a professor when needed will be an asset. I majored in psychology so I speak from experience. I could have never taken those classes online. Good luck with that tho. :)

Bella said...

yeah i did some research and the amount of time i need to dedicate to a psychology degree period, wont allow me to spend enough time with my kids. if they were older i'd go for it but at this moment when they are in the early stages of school themselves i need to make sure im available to help them so i cant be totally consumed for years and years.

but im not giving up on school altogether, just that particular field. still debating what else i'd like pursue but its definitely goin down lol and thank u :)

Hunydipt said...

I love this piece! You need to gather up all these blogs and put a book out! The younger generation of females need to hear this! xoxox

Bella said...

aw thank you :)

my poor book... i only have 4 pages typed. and i havent touched it MONTHS :-/ maybe i DO need to copy n paste some shit from here hahaha thanks!

☆Reese✮ said...

Ah everyone above said it all for me!
Good luck on anything you decide to do, I know you'll succeed in it!
Put me down for two copies when the book comes out!

Bella said...

thanks reese! at the rate im going, you should be expecting those copies in...hmmm... like 5 years lmao. nah let me stop, im gonna try to have it within a year, i didnt realize how long it was gonna take til i saw how much time it took just to get 4 pages out lol

Miss Catalina said...

You know I love you and support you in anything you choose to do. A counselor, hell yeah, you could do that for sure! I still say you'd make a killing being a comedienne for some cash on the side. You'll do great no matter what you choose.

Bella said...

yesssss!! you got a blog! wooot wooot!! thank you sister, i love you! now im going to check YOUR blog out n im gonna send u some followers too! :)

Nikki said...

You're a strong chick, and hell yeah I laughed at your falling alseep naked with gloves on But anyway- you're strong and that is a beautiful thing to hear and see in any woman. You're a fighter, and it will pay off. Congrats on your decision to get back into school.. just remember when all else goes BLAH and you cannot do campus life.. ONLINE is an option as well...- your ass stays on I'm just sayin'. Good luck with everything, but looks like you got it... ;o)
Stay sweet- you're cool folks.


Bella said...

awww how sweet :) thank you so much, im actually going up to a school tomorrow to see what i can get myself into, hopefully all will be in my favor!

Anonymous said...

I just realized that it says "Whatchu talkin bout willis" lol! Anyway I wanted to ask you something but I don't have your email address to get at you. If it'll be easier you can email me.

lol that's all