Tuesday, August 25, 2009

*hulk smash*

soooo... i went up to the school yesterday to figure out what exactly i want to do with myself. i decided on criminal justice. no, not to enforce the law. to investigate it. i feel like i could benefit from this in many ways. first of all, knowing the law inside and out and how the court system works is important for us all. too many people get jerked just because they weren't aware of their rights. i'd like to know mine- all of them. i'm also GREAT at investigating and researching, things i've picked up in my years as an insurance claims adjuster, gathering evidence, taking statements, analyzing accident scenes, photos & police reports, etc. im also a crackhead for CSI, Law & Order, Forensic Files- all that shit. i can watch marathons all day long. i love to challenge my brain and piece puzzles together.

the counselor suggested i become a police officer *blank stare* ummm... okay no way in hell could i do that. like putting cuffs on people and writing them tickets just is NOT for me.


lets say i get called to a domestic disturbance for instance...


man: she shot me in my arm!!


woman: i came home and he had another woman in our bed naked!


me: *shrugs at man* thats what yo stupid ass get. have a good evening ma'am. *hat tip*


or i'd fuck around and pull somebody over, smell some weed smoke and be like "is that marijuana i smell? gimme that sir." then take all their weed, send them about their business and roll a dutch in my patrol car in front of dunkin donuts.


so you see, Officer Bella would just be an all around bad idea.


ahhh but Crime Scene Investigator Bella would be ON IT. do you hear me?


but guess what? this course isn't available online (for obvious reasons) and the hours i would have to be on campus conflict with my work hours and my motherly obligations. and my kids father is nowhere near reliable enough to depend on to hold them down the way they'd need to be (insert the sincerest "if i knew then what i know now..."). and no way in hell am i gonna ask my man to make that type of commitment to watch kids that arent even his... 3 nights a week for two years. i love him dearly but we're not married and thats just too much i feel. and i cant afford an actual babysitter at this point in time honestly so... looks like i've hit a brick wall.


BUT...


somehow, some way this is what i'm gonna do to it.


24 comments:

Ava Dior said...

dont feel too bad ma'am. first of all, to have any sort of employment in law enforcement you will have to not only pass a drug test, but they have requirements as to "how long ago" you've done certain drugs, and you will be given a lie detector test for it. I saw that when trying to be a cop and it really discouraged me.

When I wanted to go to school for HR in cali, I finally got someone to babysit one night a week for one semester, then she quit. and she was my AUNT!

I've hit this brick wall MANY times. Just keep in mind that you will never be too old to get an education. There is no such thing as "too late" for it. For now maybe you can just start with basic classes and credits and then decide what you want to do later down the line. This way you can fit whatever you want into your schedual and get the basics out of your way.

Do not give up (not that i would ever imagine you doing so :)

Bella said...

thank you! damn government always gotta be in people's business *sigh*

but yeah im tired of hitting this wall, im ready to go rite nowwwwww, just give me the greeeen liiiiiight.... ugh i feel like im at the start of a race, crouched in position, bouncing back n forth on the ball of my foot just waiting for the *BANG!* so i can take the fuck off full speed ahead... but there's that fuggin wall! grrrrrr...

but you are so right, i will never give up :) thanks mama!

thehoustongirl said...

"or i'd fuck around and pull somebody over, smell some weed smoke and be like "is that marijuana i smell? gimme that sir." then take all their weed, send them about their business and roll a dutch in my patrol car in front of dunkin donuts."

Man I was ROLLIN when I read this! LOL but yea good luck and all wit the school tip :D

Bella said...

hehe yeah i'd be a terrible cop lol

and thank you, im trying!

Insatiable One said...

Girl please, you will work this out and be out there collecting evidence before we know it. I'm sure you will get this and work it out without having to scarifice anything. You always pull through, why would be any different?

So quit whining to us and get yo' ass back out there. LOL

Bella said...

lol! thank you :) shit do you have one of those big ass sticks so i can just run n leap over the wall? lol

Kingsmomma said...

Girl put the weed down. The time has come to retire from Mary Jane.

You can't collect evidence for criminal cases if you still smoke. The Defense will call that into question. If yuo're serious about doing something related to Law enforcement, now is the time to quit. They will ask you which drugs you did and for how long and they will follow that up with a lie decector test. DOn't limit your dreams because of something so trivial.
it's worth it to you and your kids

Bella said...

ah this has actually been crossing my mind lately, quitting the weed lol... i mean i've already cut back and not even intentionally, just dont feel like it as often as i used to. if it came down to choosing a substance over a career, i'd definitely choose a career.

im just taking this time to figure if i'm even meant to be in that field or not. there are many other things i can apply myself towards achieving. being a CSI isnt even my dream job, just one of the many things i think i'd be good at. so i guess it's cool that it didnt work out at this time- everything happens for a reason, i'll figure it out :)

Bella said...

p.s. the weed isnt whats stopping me, its the fact that i dont have anyone to watch my kids so i can attend the classes. if a babysitter became available- the weed would have to go *bye bye*

Yves said...

LOL @ shrugs

I don't approve of cheating either but getting shot for it is hardly justice

Krissy said...

I kinda understand where you're coming from with not wanting ur dude to HAVE to babysit, but then again I don't. You guys live together. So I don't see what the issue would be a few nights a week for him to keep them entertained for a few hours. He choose to be with you so he should play a larger role in their lives at some point, married or not. Those are things you agree upon before moving a man in with you and your children. It shouldn't be a burden on him. If the shoe were on the other foot would u not sit with his children while he was trying to better himself? I'm sure you would do it because you support him. So you have to get away from that thinking. I say try and find some other options, sure, but don't count him out as an alternative specially if he's willing to help you with it. Folks can be so damn stubborn at times smh! lol.

If this is something you really want, make it happen. 2 years will fly by before you know it and you'll be on a better path to that goal.

Bella said...

@yves: oh stop you know im just being ignorant, i dont condone shooting anyone for cheating :)

@krissy: he's not their father and we're not married. only way i'd expect him to do such a thing is if either of those things were the case. but its not so.... no. lol because if they were his kids then he'd be obligated. and if we were married then i wouldnt have a voice in the back of my head saying "if we dont work out, then what? then who's gonna watch them?" i like to consider something this serious from all angles before i jump into it, and 2 years is a long time to expect a man (who isnt their father or my husband) to double as my part-time babysitter. yes we're happy, he helps me, he loves my kids and they love him. he even walks them to the bus stop n helps them with homework, but those are also things i could do if he wasnt in the picture. like to DEPEND on a man is something i just cant do rite now, i've been thru too much to get that comfortable after just 3 years when i've seen shit take a turn for the worse when i was with someone even longer than that, their own father. and from that i learned to take life one day at a time, therefore i dont feel safe assuming something will be constant for the next 2 years just because it "should be" so i really dont think im being stubborn, i just think im being smart.

Krissy said...

Ur being cautious is what you're being and yea a bit stubborn lol. Like I said, I do get it, I truly do, but I don't think having that conversation with him would hurt. See how he feels about it. Maybe it would change your views on it. 3 years a long time. Isn't your youngest 4? That means he's been there pretty much all of his life. Hell living together is a bigger step then baby sitting a few nights a week. I'd just consider it QT with someone they probably view as a father figure. You just have a strong single mother mentality and don't want your kids to be a burden on anyone else which is very understandable. But I guess my point is, if you want to better yourself for you and for the kids, I'm sure he'd be all in. He might even be offended you didn't consider him at some point.

Just think about it * mumbles* ol stubborn heffa*

Bella said...

LMAO! yeah i am a TAD stubborn in that area but im conditioned to be that way, seeing their own father let them down soooooooo many times.

*sigh*

or this could just mean im not supposed to pursue that field at this time, or any other time for that matter. because as i go thru commenting on this im analyzing myself... again. lol like is that what i really wanna dedicate myself to? now im confused again. argh!! because i also feel like i'd be good at design- home, fashion, web... etc. i have a creative streak running thru my blood. AND i love to write, i'd love to start my own magazine someday. i guess i need to stop rushing myself and take more than a day or two to decide what i wanna do with my whole life huh? lol

Krissy said...

Very true ma'am. Take more time to figure this all out. It doesn't have to be a rush. It's not how fast we finish the race, just that we complete it is how I look at things in life. Specially things like education post high school. You'll figure it out and I'm sure you'll make the best choice for you and your kiddies.

Bella said...

thank you ma'am :) i think im too young to be having a mid-life crisis lol, but it feels like i am sometimes *sigh*

Krissy said...

well you ARE pushing 30 lover lol

sorry . . . i could resist :P

Bella said...

lol shit the way i see it, i've barely lived 1/3 of my life yet :)

PrincessLola said...

Bells sounds to me like you're letting your pride get in the way. If he wants to watch your kids to help you better yourself...thats not a bad thing. He loves and accepts you and your children. EVERYONE needs help sometimes. I understand your independence and how you dont want to come to totally rely on anyone but sometimes you just need to lettigooo. Pride is the insecurity of a fool. Not calling you a fool just asking you to try to look at the bigger picture. Also, I think you would make a good cop. Everything can be used as a stepping stone for greater things...

Bag Lady you gon miss your bus....

Love ya Bells #Trollop

Caspar608 said...

hmmmm...

do you grow your own?
because if you do not grow your own, you have NO IDEA what its being doused with...I'm serious.

I could care less who sells it to you either.

There's the "Masons"
There's the "Illimunati"
There's the "Industry"

And then there's a society so hidden and undercover that posting its name would cause all kinds of trouble.

Fact is, weed is the brick wall. Some people claim it "relaxes" them..."opens" them up...controls "bi-polar" episodes, etc. Weed doesnt do anything but slow you down. It alters your brain. Not in a good way either. More weed is sold in the hood than anything else...is it a coincidence that children are failing at such astronomical rates?

Put that shit down for once and for all. The little bit of money you would normally spend on it should go in a cookie jar. Your kids will know about that habit eventually....

You can feed your children the best food and give them the best you possibly can, but your role as a mother requires that you are in full possession of a clear mind. "Clear" as in no substances that will alter your thought process or your mood. That includes high fructose corn syrup. Look that up on youtube. Nevermind all the rappers and performers who are strung out on the "Industry". The powers that be are feeding us food that makes us zombies. The weed only adds insult to injury.

Just think about what I'm saying. Its going to be hard to withdraw from what you've become accustomed to, but you'll be surprised at how different you feel when you change your diet and your habits.

You WILL go back to school. Perhaps not immediately, but definitely in the near future.

Bella said...

@Lola: i loves you too! but my mind is made up and i have my reasons, sorry lol

@Caspar: wow. okay first let me say that i havent paid for weed in i dont even know how many years. and i may only smoke one at night, because yes it does calm me... but slow me? no. im a VERY focused person and mother. VERY. and honestly it wouldnt be hard for me to quit it AT ALL. like i said, i've already cut back just for the simple fact that i dont FEEL like smoking it as often as i used to. my body is like "eh, i'm good on that." lately. like if i had to PAY for it- i wouldnt be smoking it. so trust me its nothing i feel like i "need" to do. smoking weed all my life is not in my cards, trust me.


and also regarding my mind not being "clear" as a mother, you couldnt be more wrong. i smoke when they're asleep- then i go to bed. and by the time i wake up im not even high anymore, so how does it slow me down? i do work full-time and also have motherly obligations, the reason why i only smoke at night. i guess u thought i must smoke all day long? negative. thats excessive in my book, couldnt even do it. i can and have gone days, weeks even, without smoking so its not that serious. im decreasing how much i smoke as time goes by, not the other way around, without even intending to. you make it seem as if weed has some kind of hold on me and is gonna drag me down and distract me from doing what i need to do, and that is SO far from accurate. and it would DEFINITELY never EVER distract me from being a focused mother. thanks for your concern but i think you spoke before you had all the facts on me.

juli said...

I know it is scary to get started on school, trusting your man to be around to help with the kids, and not knowing the future. But you can't let that stop you! If you guys were to break up, and you no longer had the help with the kids, you would figure out something else.

If you don't take that leap of faith, you will stall out for the next 10yrs. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. I hope you get it figured out because if you do, your kids will be so proud of you!

Where there is a will, there is a way. Real talk.

I am a single mom with 4 kids, 2 of them under the age of 2, and one on dialysis nightly. I don't have a man around. My family does not help me. I am working it out to get back into school! You can too.

Krissy said...

wow@ Caspar's comment. That was a tad excessive and presumptuous wasn't it? lol. Just wow. And umm, corn syrup is made from. . . . CORN. lol It's not as harmful as one would think.

thechocl8tdiaries said...

It will happen momma!! Keep grinding away!!!! It. WILL. HAPPEN!