so i've been talkin to myself alot lately, in my head. kinda cursing myself out actually.
i feel like i've gone off track. i feel like im running in place. been working a job i cant stand for two years, living check to check. even tho its due to extenuating circumstances, which i will get into at another time (long story), but i dont feel like im accomplishing anything. i dont feel like im on the right path. i feel like i need to do more, i WANT to do more. i want more for my children. i want them to have and experience things i never did. i moved out of my hometown for a reason and i need to remind myself of that more often.
before i got in the shower last nite i looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "who are you? and what are you doing?"
honestly, i didnt really come up with much.
yeah i work, my bills are paid- maybe not on time- but atleast paid in full, my kids are fed well and all of that. but i coulda done all this back home. so what exactly am i doing? why move to a city with all these opportunities and not take advantage of it? why do the SAME thing over and over every day? i dont HAVE to. and im not going to. not anymore.
from now on, im going to use my time more productively. i can sit here and complain about shit all i want but if im not taking any initiative towards changing things, then all im doing is just talkin. and thats not me. i think i've gotten so used to my robotic daily routine that i lost sight of my potential. that i just said "okay so this is my life then." when it really isnt. im not built for nor meant to live check to check. i know we're in a recession but that doesnt mean i cant do my best to swim upstream against it. fuck what all is going on out here, nothing is hopeless and i refuse to be tricked into thinking so.
i CAN do something and i WILL do something. plain and simple. i refuse to let the story of my life be that i worked a 9-5 and retired on a 401K and collected social security- if there's even any left for us when that time comes. i want more from life than that.
i have been standing in my own way by making excuses as to why i can't do something, instead of looking for ways around my obstacles. hope alone won't get me anywhere.
im on a mission now.