Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Who Are You?

so i've been talkin to myself alot lately, in my head. kinda cursing myself out actually.

i feel like i've gone off track. i feel like im running in place. been working a job i cant stand for two years, living check to check. even tho its due to extenuating circumstances, which i will get into at another time (long story), but i dont feel like im accomplishing anything. i dont feel like im on the right path. i feel like i need to do more, i WANT to do more. i want more for my children. i want them to have and experience things i never did. i moved out of my hometown for a reason and i need to remind myself of that more often.

before i got in the shower last nite i looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "who are you? and what are you doing?"
honestly, i didnt really come up with much.

yeah i work, my bills are paid- maybe not on time- but atleast paid in full, my kids are fed well and all of that. but i coulda done all this back home. so what exactly am i doing? why move to a city with all these opportunities and not take advantage of it? why do the SAME thing over and over every day? i dont HAVE to. and im not going to. not anymore.

from now on, im going to use my time more productively. i can sit here and complain about shit all i want but if im not taking any initiative towards changing things, then all im doing is just talkin. and thats not me. i think i've gotten so used to my robotic daily routine that i lost sight of my potential. that i just said "okay so this is my life then." when it really isnt. im not built for nor meant to live check to check. i know we're in a recession but that doesnt mean i cant do my best to swim upstream against it. fuck what all is going on out here, nothing is hopeless and i refuse to be tricked into thinking so.

i CAN do something and i WILL do something. plain and simple. i refuse to let the story of my life be that i worked a 9-5 and retired on a 401K and collected social security- if there's even any left for us when that time comes. i want more from life than that.

i have been standing in my own way by making excuses as to why i can't do something, instead of looking for ways around my obstacles. hope alone won't get me anywhere.

im on a mission now.

15 comments:

EbonyRenee said...

amen.

La Maravilla said...

Yes! Good for you Bella. Whether you decide to go back to school, start your own business, whatever, you will do well for yourself and your babies. Best wishes girl, and all the success you can handle :)

T.

Insatiable One said...

Good for you babe. Handle your business and continue to be an inspiration to your kids. Everything will work out.

Bella said...

thank you lovelies! :)

thehoustongirl said...

Good Luck Bella! you're a smart cookie it'll happen for you :D

thehoustongirl said...

**wanted to add**

"im not built for nor meant to live check to check. i know we're in a recession but that doesnt mean i cant do my best to swim upstream against it. fuck what all is going on out here, nothing is hopeless and i refuse to be tricked into thinking so."

My nigga if that ain't the truth, then I don't know what is!! I hear alot of people giving up hope because of the "recession" and the sad ass shit we see on the news daily. I would suggest another thing is to turn off the TV, radio, ect. The media is having a FIELD day of putting out negative shit and making people feel bad about everything (and some even have the nerve to blame the AVERAGE JOE)

WTF!

What Ive been doing is letting go of certain "friends" (dudes and gals) because one thing, friends who aint doing shit will surely drag you down into their own misery also. Gotta let some shit go: TV, radio, certain friends, (this is hard for me: SMOKING), and just getting out head out our asses and face the music

had to come back lol again good luck!

Bella said...

lol! yes that is SO true! im cutting back on alot of things, good thing i barely have time for tv cuz i dont care to see discouraging shit lol

we just gotta stay positive and believe in ourselves :) fuck the government lol

yours truly said...

perfect mindset to have. continue working at it and having faith. you've got a good spirit and drive. the harder you push the more things will work in your favour later on. best of luck.

Bella said...

aw thank you! i appreciate that :)

simone_dior said...

sometimes we have to confront ourselves, so to speak, JUST LIKE THAT. you are the captain of your ship..YOU are the CAPTAIN!!!
much success, muffin!

Bella said...

@simone: miss monie love! lol thanks mama :) ima make sure i drop my anchor in the right place.

NINA said...

LISTEN! WE ALL STRUGGLE AND PONDER THE THOUGHTT WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!? LMAOOO LOOK AT ALL OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS OPPSED TO THE THINGS YOU HAVE NOT ACCOMPLISHED! ITHINK YOUR DOING RATHER WELL FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY! TIMES WILLNOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS MY LOVE! LIFE IS A STRUGGLE AND LEARNING PROCDESS OF ITS ALL! MAYBE YOU SHOUKLD CREATE A WALL BOARD FULL OF ALL THE GOALS AND THINGS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFE! I HAVE ONE WIH BASKETBALL PLAYERS RANGE ROVER OCEANS FRIENDS FAMILY ALL THE THINGS I LONG FOR AND LOVE! I WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST IN YOUR LIFE JOURNEY XOXOXO

Bella said...

thank you nina! xoxoxo

you know i have positive attitude and i think thats whats bothering me... cuz i have SO many things i'd like to do but always running into walls n shit. like im stuck. but im ready to find a way to bust shit wide open like the kool aid man! fuck that lol

Caspar608 said...

Hi Bella

1) social security will most likely be non-existent by the time I reach the age to collect...you're a lot younger than me...sorry sweets!

2)after working at an investment bank for 10 long years my 401K has lost 70% of the value it was three years ago. makes my stomach hurt real bad.

3) If I had to do it all again, I would have been a cop (a damn good one) or worked for the City of New York in some capacity because the pensions are OFF THE CHAIN. 20 years, you get have pay.

I understand how you feel. I was in several dead end jobs when I was your age to support my children. The funny thing is, they werent really dead and jobs...they led me to better opportunities and a desire to improve my circumstances. I may not be an officer in the Firm, but I am now using my Firm to pay for college. I am not giving the job more than is required of me. I am putting my all into school.

Is there any way you can return to school? Do you ever think about teaching? You would definitely qualify for scholarships/grants/financial aid and you would get plenty of student loans.

Would it be possible for you to get a part time job and go to school full time?

Its good that you are questioning who you are and where you are going. Be easy on yourself. You are a masterpiece in progress. Setting a great example for your children.

The possibilites for self improvement are out there and they are endless.

Keep the faith in yourself and your family. Never worry about have's and have nots. You are doing an EXTRAORDINARY job already.

You'll find your way : )

Peace, Cas

MISS BEE said...

i like this post. @ one time or another we all feel this way, but the best thing is that you recognize these issues, & or working towards fixing these issues. your blogs always inspire me. totally love the comment that thehoustongirl left, nothing more than the truth.