Things That Make You Go Hmmm....

okay fair warning, this blog is going to take up some time so if you don't have like 30 minutes to spare you may want to come back later (due to the videos- aint NO way in hell im typing 30 minutes worth of shit lol). other than that, get comfy :) seriously, do yourself a favor and watch each video in its entirety. the shit gets rather deep.

my man showed me some shit that just got me like "whoa." i really dont even know how to approach an intro to the clips im about to share with you because it's so complex but the jist of it is: the corruption in hip hop and the entertainment industry. let me just say first that i dont agree with EVERY word spoken or implied... but if this shit dont make you wonder some things... mannn listen. if you're already familiar with professor griff (public enemy) and "the industry" then you've probably already seen this. there are 50 parts but i honestly havent been thru each one, so im just gonna show a couple. heeeeerrre we go *slick rick voice*

(please pause nas first if you havent already lol)

The Industry Part 33


The Industry Part 34



The Industry Part 35



i also did some quick reference work for ya:

Operation Paperclip

Illuminati

Masons

(to see all parts of "the industry" just go to youtube and search "the industry 1" and so on and so forth. sorry but im not linking ALL of that shit lol)

real quick let me just say, that shit Amil spit on the last video? yo. she MEANT that shit. it really makes me wonder whatever happened to her. she was ON one minute, then working at k-mart the next. she never confirmed it but i read an article in The Source yeeeears ago and when she was asked about the rumors of her working at k-mart she was like "i gotta do what i gotta do for my kids." so um yeah, explain that. and thats a track that im sure hardly ANYBODY has ever heard... wonder why.

things that make you go hmmm....

sooo... what are your thoughts on all of this?

*hulk smash*

soooo... i went up to the school yesterday to figure out what exactly i want to do with myself. i decided on criminal justice. no, not to enforce the law. to investigate it. i feel like i could benefit from this in many ways. first of all, knowing the law inside and out and how the court system works is important for us all. too many people get jerked just because they weren't aware of their rights. i'd like to know mine- all of them. i'm also GREAT at investigating and researching, things i've picked up in my years as an insurance claims adjuster, gathering evidence, taking statements, analyzing accident scenes, photos & police reports, etc. im also a crackhead for CSI, Law & Order, Forensic Files- all that shit. i can watch marathons all day long. i love to challenge my brain and piece puzzles together.

the counselor suggested i become a police officer *blank stare* ummm... okay no way in hell could i do that. like putting cuffs on people and writing them tickets just is NOT for me.

lets say i get called to a domestic disturbance for instance...

man: she shot me in my arm!!

woman: i came home and he had another woman in our bed naked!

me: *shrugs at man* thats what yo stupid ass get. have a good evening ma'am. *hat tip*

or i'd fuck around and pull somebody over, smell some weed smoke and be like "is that marijuana i smell? gimme that sir." then take all their weed, send them about their business and roll a dutch in my patrol car in front of dunkin donuts.

so you see, Officer Bella would just be an all around bad idea.

ahhh but Crime Scene Investigator Bella would be ON IT. do you hear me?

but guess what? this course isn't available online (for obvious reasons) and the hours i would have to be on campus conflict with my work hours and my motherly obligations. and my kids father is nowhere near reliable enough to depend on to hold them down the way they'd need to be (insert the sincerest "if i knew then what i know now..."). and no way in hell am i gonna ask my man to make that type of commitment to watch kids that arent even his... 3 nights a week for two years. i love him dearly but we're not married and thats just too much i feel. and i cant afford an actual babysitter at this point in time honestly so... looks like i've hit a brick wall.

BUT...

somehow, some way this is what i'm gonna do to it.

diggin in the crates

sooo... it's been a while since i've written any poetry and i kinda miss it. i think i've only posted some of my shit on here like twice? well i felt the urge to dig into my many notebooks and share a few things i've written over the years. thanks to my sister for posting some of hers lol.

might as well just get right to it.

(no title)

sometimes it takes all i have
to get up and face the day
sometimes i give all i got
to make it seem like im okay
because inside me is a war
but im gonna fight it
get my mind right
conquer and divide it
im going to live life
not let it get the best of me
a focused mind and strong heart
are the secrets to my recipe
life is short
but the days are long
as my heart beats
to the struggle's song
i will stay on my feet
and keep marching on

"worth it"

there's some things i want to say
and some things i want to do
but i conceal these thoughts
in my mind away from you

im not ready for you to know
not prepared for you to see
i cant let it show
the effect you have on me

its ironic how i feel
because it feels so strong
and it feels so real
but it feels so wrong

its probably too soon
my body is relaxed
but my mind is consumed
i try to push back
this lust i feel for you

you have no idea
the things i want to do
right now, right here
you have no clue...

i just want to kiss you
and caress your face
and i just wish you
would hold onto my waist
and slowly rub my back
but if you did as i wish
i wont know how to act
i'll want more than a kiss
more than your hands
more than your lips
to explore the land
just below my hips
right above my thighs
i would break down
and let you come inside
i'd wrap my legs around you
and hold you close to me
you'd feel my love surround you
the way its supposed to be
i'd look you in the eyes
and tell you that its yours...

but it just isnt time
so my mind locked the doors
keeping those thoughts away
hidden for now
what i feel i cant say
but in time i'll show you how
we can go from friends
to becoming lovers
you'll see in the end
my love is like no other.

"beautiful confusion"

i never thought it would be
what it is right now
this thing between you and me
i just dont know how
but day by day
you changed in my eyes
and i must say
you changed me inside
my heart was solid
and my mind was strong
no visitors were wanted
but then you came along
and what you did i dont know
but now im holding you
and i dont want to let go
your head is on my chest
and your arms around me
feeling your caress
and your hand in mine
in the silence
feels so divine
as we drift off to sleep
i feel so at ease
i feel such peace
we are still
and my eyes close
the way i feel
only god knows

okay one last one... its old as hell but i'd like to post this for my sister ♥

you fed me so many lies
over the years
how many times i cried
i cant even count the tears
outside i would smile
and stand tall
but on the inside
i felt so weak and small
all the insults you threw to me
convinced me little by little
to actually believe your scrutiny
and go from solid to brittle
you broke me down
you tore me apart
you smashed my crown
and shattered my heart
until i couldnt take it any longer
but all you did
was just make me stronger
so say goodbye wife and goodbye kids
you have only yourself to blame
for all of this
to me its no loss, only a gain
no longer will i be
called out my name
or made the fool
im free of my pain
because i'm rid of you.

THE END

oh wait hold up © 2009 (i dont play about my shit lol)

Ladies & Gentlemen...

my sister has joined the blogosphere :) i know i refer to alot of my friends as my sisters but this is my blood, my kin, my heart- my little sister (yeah she's 26 and im 28 but she will always be my baby sister. hehe)

she needs space to let her mind roam freely so i suggested she do it here. and what do you know this lil heffa done posted 4 entries in one night already lol.

click --------> HERE <--------- and show Miss Catalina some love please :)

p.s. she is like the sweeter version of me. or not, shit who knows what's bound to come out of her mouth lol.

LOVE YOU SIS!!

All That I Got Is Youuu...

this is my shit.

that is all.

Being a Good Woman

Okay so pardon me but... I think I'm a pretty damn good specimen of the female species if I may say so myself, and I don't mean as far as appearances go. I mean as far as my mentality and my approach on life, along with my motherly skills.

I want to share some things I've learned over the years because I took on the role of a woman at an early age so I feel I'm qualified enough to speak on it.

Personal Background
As soon as I turned the legal age to work, I've been working non-stop. I've felt "grown" ever since. When I was 16, my stepmother committed suicide and I took on the role as the lady of the house. My brother and sister lived with my mother at the time (I didn't get along with her ignorant ass husband so I started living with my father when I was 15). I made my Dad his coffee in the morning, ironed his shirts, cleaned, cooked dinner, etc. At the same time I was working and going to school. I moved out of the nest on my own free will when I was 17, hadn't even graduated high school yet. I wasn't having any problems at home, nothing like that, I just wanted to be independent. I got into a roommate situation with a co-worker who was a tad bit older than me. We got along real well and she "took me under her wing" I guess you could say. I didn't have any rules and still managed to conduct myself very well. I had to contribute towards rent and bills just like any other roommate would have to. And even though we had lil parties, smoked weed and drank here and there, I never took any of that too far, I never got ridiculous with it, I always stayed focused.


When I was 18, I had 3 jobs. Not for any reason other than I wanted the most money I could possibly have. I loved to shop. But since I was working so much (mon-fri 12pm-4pm at my 1st job, then 5pm-10pm at my 2nd job and my 3rd job was on the weekends) I didn't really have the time to spend the money. But it just felt good to say "I got 3 jobs and I don't need nobody for shit." lol. Not "girl i'ma make this fool buy me some shoes." or "i bet this mufucka pay my phone bill." Fuck that shit.

I had a friend (when we were teenagers) who would cry broke to a man so he would give her money and then she would go buy some *wait for it* bamboo earrings :-/ And I would be like "What the fuck? Bitch don't you need food? And aren't you capable of working?" Why cry broke (literally- she pulled out tears for the man) if you're not even gonna be responsible with the help you get? That was just grimey to me. If a man tried to give me something that I know I don't deserve, I don't want it. If you were in need and I wouldn't feel the urge to look out for you, then I don't even feel comfortable accepting your help. If we are not close, if I'm not feelin you- I don't want a damn thing from you homie. It's just my natural way of thinking and it's gotten me very far I must say. If the only person you depend on is yourself, you can never be disappointed.

Here are some unwritten rules I have engraved in my head for myself:

1. Never depend on a man. I mean if you're in a solid relationship and he wants to help you and you would do the same for him, cool. I think that's called teamwork. But to depend on a man to pay your bills or car note or buy you food is just stupid to me. Eventually he's gonna realize that's all he's of use to you for and bounce. And then what? You gotta scramble to find another fool before the next light bill shows up in the mailbox? Pssshhh... THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. Get some business about yourself and handle your shit like a grown ass woman. I despise opportunistic bums.

2. Trust yourself. If you ask a friend for advice, take it in as such. Don't confuse advice for instructions. What works for them may not be what works for you. They won't have to live with the aftermath of your choice- but you will. Everyone's situation is not the same so they may be speaking on your situation from a different angle, their own. But the only person who has to live your life is YOU. So when making decisions, don't worry about what other people may think or say because it's your life, not theirs. The only exception to this I would say is if you have numerous people telling you the same thing, it's probably not a coinsidence and something you need to seriously evaluate. But in the end of course it is still your decision and only time will tell if you chose wisely.

3. Fail is the F-word to me. I want nothing to do with it. If I set out to do something and commit to doing it, there is no turning back or giving up. I moved out of my hometown in NY in October 2000 when I was 19 years old. And as many times as I've fallen, so to speak, I got my ass back up and kept it movin. I was asked to move back home several times, and I refused. "Oh, just come back here until you can get on your feet and then move back to Atlanta." Kiss my ass. I'll be damned if I ever get even remotely comfortable back home so I can get sucked back in that bitch. HELL NO. My friend even admitted to me last year that when I left, she said to a couple of our mutual friends "She'll be back." and they all were like "Oh yeah we know she will." HA! Negative. I left for a reason, for good. Literally and figuratively. I have children and I will never let them see me fail at shit. I will fight til my knuckles are bloody for their stability and security.

4. Keep a positive attitude. No matter how bad something seems, I guarantee it could be worse. Car accident ahead? Now you stuck in traffic right? Gonna be late for work now? You mad huh? Well maybe somebody in a car ahead of you just lost their life and will never work or see their family again. Be happy you were in that place and time so you weren't a part of the accident. Besides, being mad doesn't make anything move quicker. People need to learn not to stress things out of their control. Worrying is just that: worrying. All you're gonna do is upset yourself. If you think negatively, you will attract negative energy and results. If you remain positive and keep your cool, I promise you will make it through a situation much easier.

I really have more "rules" for myself I'd like to share but this is already long so I'll just do a part two in the near future. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

*smooches*

P.S. I decided today that I want to go to school (yay!) so I'm in the middle of figuring out how I can do that now while juggling everything else in my life so if my investigation leads me to a road in my favor, I will have to make myself scarce on these innanets. I shall keep yall posted on that :)

It's A Celebration Bitches!

alritey. update time. (as you can see i chopped half my hair off lol) and my birthday was august 1st but due to my babysitter situation, i wasn't able to celebrate until the following saturday. we went to Opera, which is my favorite place to go out. my man took me there last year for my birthday and i've loved it ever since. you almost feel like you are somewhere else. it's SO diverse. you will see asian, middle eastern, russian, hispanic, black, white, italian people, etc... just all having a good time together, i love it.

here's a shot of the club while it's empty.

so we had a bit of a problem at the door due to a misunderstanding. we had email passes to get in free before 11pm (call me cheap but they charge $20 to get in and as Epitome would say "it's a recession." lol so if i can save me some money, gotdamit ima save me some money- so i can get more drunk. hehe) anyway we got there on time, one of the guys asks me what i have, looks at my passes and tells us to stand off to the side and wait to be checked in. so we do as we're told and slide off to the side. to make a long story short, the fool thought i was "special" as he put it, and assumed i was part of a VIP event or some shit. so he made us miss the cut off time, standing off to the side forever for no reason and the best they could do was give me free VIP and a complimentary drink, let us cut the line and charge my friends half price to get in. okay why give me VIP and not them? like ima really go up there without my friends. and it was YO fault we missed the cut off time so why cant they get in free too? hello? smh but whatever. we had a wonderful time regardless.

first i must make a disclaimer regarding my outfit. *clears throat* yes you can see thru my dress, but no those are not my panties. they are shorts and i wore them as such. even have thongs on under them just so i can be telling the truth when i say "no, you can't see my panties thru this dress." lol the flash just enhanced the sheerness so *shrugs* alrite let's move along...

this rite here is my ace (and her man) she is the one who captured all these moments :)

this is my neptune. she is gettin it. and you can't tell her shit. i loves her.

we took over the stage for the remainder of the evening. including that gogo dancer's post behind us.

me and my one and only. "fuck off." (oh and to the left of my elbow is my "little sister" from another mister.)

my kiki fiyah. i LOVE this pic. she was having the time of her life up there.

i have a bird flipping reflex.

i wanna rock with youuuu. all niiiiiight.
♥

the club's dancer. we took her shit over in 3...2...1

when reggae plays, we must dance. tis the law.

yesssirrr.

gettin it.

i was clearly in a zone.

birfday booty.

i dont know why he was there. all i know is i HAD to put my booty on the panda before the night was over. mission accomplished.

squeezing the charmin.

this is all that was caught on camera. other fuckery includes:

a nigerian man trying to wife neptune in the club and steal her away to miami so she can be his consultant (?) and let him "take care of her." FOH. ah and some other dude kissed her on the mouth without warning.

we befriended a stranger named Tom (thanks to ki lol), who we called Todd all night.

someone kept calling me lady gaga :-/

we stayed til the lights came on and they had to remind us it was time to leave. twice i think.

drunk dude came up to me after the club and said (loud as hell) "YOU! are the reason i LOVE goth music!!" um really? and exactly who the fluck do you think i am sir? i was just like "okay." and crossed the street.

miss neptune's car got locked in the parking garage she paid to park in.

my man was too drunk and left early, went home, cooked a steak and passed out.

there was drunk dialing and talks of "period sex" but people will remain nameless in order to protect the not so innocent.

ki and i made it safely to my house, and ate my man's steak (hehe) she went off to my son's bed to sleep with spiderman (the blanket lol)

and i woke up the next morning to my man giving me a blank stare. cuz i was butt ass naked with my gloves on.

THE END.

she get it from her mama... maybe?

this morning my man says "babe come here for a minute, i wanna show you something."

so i go into the computer room and he's like "for some reason, i think this was you when you were little." and starts laughing then plays this video for me... from thisis50.com of all places lol



okay now on one hand im like "damn she gettin it aint she?" but there's a lil part of me saying "why and how she learn to whine her hips up like that?" lol i dont know... to me it looks more like she's having fun instead of tryina be sexy. overall im just baffled that a lil blonde chick is doing all of this lol. it appears from the youtube page that this is possibly in spain, i think the language describing the video looks like portuguese- but im no expert *shrugs*

but i say go head lil jessica (just because she's not my child and i know a couple grown-ups who could take a step or two from her lol)

what say you?

Who Are You?

so i've been talkin to myself alot lately, in my head. kinda cursing myself out actually.

i feel like i've gone off track. i feel like im running in place. been working a job i cant stand for two years, living check to check. even tho its due to extenuating circumstances, which i will get into at another time (long story), but i dont feel like im accomplishing anything. i dont feel like im on the right path. i feel like i need to do more, i WANT to do more. i want more for my children. i want them to have and experience things i never did. i moved out of my hometown for a reason and i need to remind myself of that more often.

before i got in the shower last nite i looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "who are you? and what are you doing?"
honestly, i didnt really come up with much.

yeah i work, my bills are paid- maybe not on time- but atleast paid in full, my kids are fed well and all of that. but i coulda done all this back home. so what exactly am i doing? why move to a city with all these opportunities and not take advantage of it? why do the SAME thing over and over every day? i dont HAVE to. and im not going to. not anymore.

from now on, im going to use my time more productively. i can sit here and complain about shit all i want but if im not taking any initiative towards changing things, then all im doing is just talkin. and thats not me. i think i've gotten so used to my robotic daily routine that i lost sight of my potential. that i just said "okay so this is my life then." when it really isnt. im not built for nor meant to live check to check. i know we're in a recession but that doesnt mean i cant do my best to swim upstream against it. fuck what all is going on out here, nothing is hopeless and i refuse to be tricked into thinking so.

i CAN do something and i WILL do something. plain and simple. i refuse to let the story of my life be that i worked a 9-5 and retired on a 401K and collected social security- if there's even any left for us when that time comes. i want more from life than that.

i have been standing in my own way by making excuses as to why i can't do something, instead of looking for ways around my obstacles. hope alone won't get me anywhere.

im on a mission now.