Saturday, March 28, 2009

Why DO We Love Love?

Why does it seem, statistically speaking, that a majority of female's goal in life is to be in love? Is that all there is to life? And this is coming from someone in a happy relationship so don't think this is one of those "bitter" posts. No it's not perfect and yes we've had ups and downs, you have no idea, but if we don't last I figure it just wasn't meant to be. And yes I'd be hurt because we've shared so many happy times and memories with eachother, but I'd be okay. And I wouldn't be scared to walk away if that's what needed to happen. And I wouldn't feel defective if he left me, if that's what needed to happen. It would just be... life. I notice this issue pretty much everywhere. In real life, online, in blogs, on television... everybody is searching for love. And why?

I really blame the Lifetime Network for this shit lol. Like why do we have an epidemic of females searching for, anticipating, and expecting to find love? Love is no joke. Love can never be planned or coordinated. Love will just happen to you when it's supposed to. And if it isn't happening when you want it to, then it just isn't your time. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you're doomed for loneliness. It just means that you have more living and growing to do and that can be achieved with or without a man by your side. I think females should spend more time concentrating on themselves, wether you are in a relationship or not. You can't expect to build a life with another person until you've built one for yourself. Established who you are, what you are willing to accept, and what you want to achieve in life.

My man does not define me, he compliments me. He does not complete me, we are a team. I was already a whole woman before I met him and my happiness does not revolve around him. But his presence in my life is still very much appreciated. I just think a common mistake women make is getting too caught up in a man. Like once they get swept off their feet or fall head over heels, they change. They communicate less with their female friends, hang out more with their man than their female friends, and want to spend most of their spare time with him. If this man is your husband, then that's cool because he's officially your BFF for life at that point anyway lol. But if it's not that type of party, be easy. Have a life of your own and let him have one too, especially if it's still "new." Now by new I mean even the first year or two or three. Yes that is still considered new to me. How long exactly do you think it takes to get to totally know another person? My point can be illustrated by asking another question: how long did it take you to get to know yourself? I bet you sittin there not even totally knowing yourself right now as you read this lol. So you see where I'm going with this?

Love takes time, real time. This is why people who get too serious too young, don't tend to last. And this is another reason why divorce rates are so high. People get married too soon these days. And again, I also blame Lifetime lol. But it's the media in general really. Painting picture perfect love tales on the movie screens and television shows. Got bitches out here daydreaming about a love like that. Wake up! That shit is NOT easy to come by. Every man who makes you smile or gives you butterflies or puts it on your ass... is NOT "the one" okay? Learn him. Know him. But most importantly, learn you. Know you, first.

I've made the mistake of thinking I had found it all, and said to hell with everything else. I was like "Okay, finally a man who treats me right and makes me smile and puts me up on a pedestal, I'm good now." Only to learn a year and a half- and a child- later that he was a physically abusive man. I would have NEVER seen that coming. If only I had not just assumed he was the best thing since sliced bread, I wouldn't have ignored the red flags that I noticed only in hindsight. I was so blinded by "love" that I refused to believe he was capable of any wrong or harm. I know not every person's experience is this extreme but it does prove that you have to take your time with love. It takes two people to make it work, together. Not one trying harder than the other. It actually shouldn't take much effort at all. Love is not a job or project. If you feel like you have to work hard at love, it probably isn't love. And on another note, if it seems to come too easily then that probably isn't love either....

infatuation- noun
1. a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration
2. temporary love of an adolescent
3. an object of extravagant short-lived passion

Notice the word "extravagant" mentioned 2 out of 3 times in that definition?

extravagant- adjective
1. spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful
2. excessively high
3. exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions.
4. going beyond what is deserved or justifiable
5. Obsolete. wandering beyond bounds.

Pretty cut and dry huh? I'm sure there's nothing we can disagree with there right?

Hmmm... okay so let's see now, how can we define love?

love- noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like. ie: Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

SYSTEM OVERLOAD! What? All of that is love? How?

See what I mean? Take your time people, take your time. You can't define love. You need to know that there is no such thing as love until you actually experience it. I can't tell you what love is. Your momma can't tell you what love is. And evidently, not even the almighty know-it-all dictionary can either. So if you're out there looking for love, um it doesn't know you like that, stop stalking lol. No I'm joking but I just want females to know that there is more to life than the quest for love. "Live ya life" suddenly popped into my head just now... sorry I'm random. But anyway, if you've already found and defined it by your own experience, lovely. But if you haven't, that's lovely too. I hate to quote a damn ketchup commercial but fuck it, the best things come to those who wait. Yeah I'm soooo deep ain't I? But regardless of where it came from, it's still the truth.

And before I go (damn this shit was long! my bad son lol) I want to leave you with the best quote that I've heard about love so far...

"Love is when you only want the best for someone, even if it doesn't include you."

For those of you who've experienced love, what is it to you?


Twisted Elegance said..., you need to be a writer, seriously.

My man was trying to talk to me and I'm like "shh shh...I'm reading" lol

As for your question, I feel like my experience with love has taught me that there needs to be a friendship first. To me its about trust and the ability to still be standing together when the storm passes.

The part where you spoke about your past experience about love really got to me because I experienced the same, not to the same extent though. I held him to high on a pedestal when I looked at him to be human just like me, it was like I was starting the relationship over and it saved us.

I feel like I just read a really good article in a magazine lol.

Love ya girl, enjoy ur weekend.

Bella said...

awww thank you! :)

i defintely agree with the friendship first thing. im glad u brought that up because its sooo true. that's a lesson i learned myself and it needs to be passed along. if people always look at someone as a prospective "mate" it puts too much pressure on the situation. baby steps, baby steps lol

thanks again miss lady!! :)

Epitome said...

Snaps, snaps, snaps!

This should be in the female handbook, shit that we should learn early on...

1.) Always wipe front to back
2.) Never leave the house looking a mess
3.) Love is not that Cinderella bullshit Disney be pushing on us.

So much of our lives is spent on looking for "the one" that we don't even take a second to realize who we are (Just like you said). Pretty much EVERYTHING you said in this blog me and my all purpose friend have discussed, (especially the part about a man not making you, but rather complimenting you).

dearly beloved. said...

you know what.. this is the exact reason why I fucks with you... you stay bring that truth! I really needed to read that... good work!

-Dearly Beloved

ps. btw I'm Young.Gifted.Swag.. remember? just reminding you to check out the blog.. thanks again!

Amber-Alert said...

so true!!!!!

i also agree wholeheartedly with the friendship first...sooo important!

as a single woman who aint really lookin yea u might get lonely and things but u have to chill out!! love is something that just happens...u cant find it, u cant control it, u cant force it

vexedmentals said...

i couldn't have read this at a more perfect time, thanks.

vexedmentals said...

& goddammit we should be able to favorite posts. like i wanna print this shit off as some type of reminder. "/

Bella said...

@ epitome- you stay crackin me up wtf

1.) Always wipe front to back
2.) Never leave the house looking a mess
3.) Love is not that Cinderella bullshit Disney be pushing on us.

ha! hang that shit up on the fridge lol

@ dearly beloved- thanks mama! and thanks for lettin me know who u were cuz i coulndt figure it out for nothing, i was tryina find ur blog n shit lol

@ amber- "u cant find it, u cant control it, u cant force it" AMEN!!

@vexed- awwww im glad it helped u. how bout u copy and paste into a word doc n then print it out? then u can have it for future reference :)

PrincessLola said...

Great blog!

I agree that u cant work on love. What takes work is a relationship. That shit doesnt just roll along. Thats why there's divorce because people give up. A relationship does take work but love is just IS.

I now realize that in all my years, I've only been in love once. I thought I was in love @ least 3 times before. I was wrong. I'm in love now and have been with the same man for least 7 years now. He calls me his best friend and he is mine. That's all we call each other. Who knows where it's gonna go (although I have pictured him in a tux @ my very elaborate wedding.lmao)and im not pushing. I dont blow my friends off for him and he wouldnt want me to. Thats not love...thats wack.

I digress. I think everyones aim is to be in love. What else are we all workin hard, goin out, etc. for?? We just get sidetracked by all the otha bullshit that life hands us. Sometimes life just gets in the I agree wholeheartedy that love will find you when you are ready. No such thing as a fairytale romance....

Smooches luv ya bitch :-)

Anonymous said...

hella yah ur ass needs to be a writer!

Nicole said...

I love how you can be silly,and random, and then pull a post like this out of your ass.
I sort of knew all this stuff,but every now and then we need re-assuring.
Loving the blog,and I love your sexy blog too.