Thursday, December 4, 2008

The 10 Sex Commandments

1st Commandment: Thy Pussy and Brain Shall Be in Agreement.

I highly suggest that you follow this commandment before you follow the rest. It will make it that much more enjoyable. If one person is doing it just to fill their own needs, the other one will be neglected in one way or another. I don't do simple sex. I wish a muthafucka would just get on top of me, do his business and that be that. No sir. We are gonna put eachother to sleep, do you hear me? And if you don't get my drift then I feel bad for you son... I got 99 problems but a dick ain't one. Moving along...

2nd Commandment: Thou Shall Masturbate.

Tell me how are you supposed to know what you like if you don't get familiar with your own body? Don't be shamed. Get you some quiet time, shit set the mood for your damn self if you have to. Turn the lights down low, get some candles and throw on some music... whatever floats your boat. Nobody is watching you, just relax and don't feel silly. Plenty women do this. Don't be afraid to explore your body. Touch yourself the way you would like to be touched, it's that simple. Learn yourself. Trust me, this will come in handy later ;)

3rd Commandment: Thou Shall Trim Thy Pubic Hair Gotdamnit.

Please. Don't nobody wanna be in the bushes okay? Especially if you want some head? Get the fuck outta here. Would you lick some hairy balls? I didn't think so. Make a wax appointment or get you an electric or battery operated trimmer, much quicker and neater (and safer) than scissors and razors. Wipe it down with rubbing alcohol after each use and put it away. Keep the coochie cute girls.

4th Commandment: Thou Shall Ride the Dick.

Don't be scared of that shit, fuck that shit. Literally. You let him go to town on you right? Then you better put it on his ass too! True, being on top is pretty draining, I know. But how do you think that man feels if you just let him do all the work all the time? Get yo ass up and participate! Show him you can run shit too. They like that shit. If you get tired, here's a tip. Straddle him, lean forward, keep your knees on the bed and raise up and down with just your hips and thighs, slowly, and like you mean it. See there are 3 benefits to this position. 1) your titties are in his face so now he can lick them. 2) it doesn't require alot of work on your part and 3) the angle of penetration is the bomb digitty. Bottom line: don't be lazy.

5th Commandment: Thou Shall Give Head.

Oh yes bitches I said it. If you scared, you better get over that shit. If you think "ew that is so nasty." Grow up. I bet money you want him lickin your pussy. Well think about it, you bleed from your shit once a month then cum all in his face like no tomorrow and then say it's "nasty" just to put his dick in your mouth? Come on man. That's only "skin on a bone." Look at your finger. Now look between your legs. They are licking our insides, hellooo? Be fair. Now I know there are some bitches (sorry, just get used to it) who truly have a problem with doing that, for whatever reason. And even though I suggest you get over it (like ASAP) if you just aren't ready yet, don't do it. I guarantee you wouldn't do a good job anyway, so just don't bother. You have to sincerely want to make that man go crazy. Now, if you really do then here's a tip (I have tons of these...heehee): take one hand and grip the shaft (lightly but firmly) then keep your other hand free because you'll need it to caress the balls ;) First, kiss the head real slow a few times, just as if you would kiss his mouth. Be nice to the head, wet it up. Then swirl your tongue around as you go down slowly as far as you can, then do the same thing in reverse. And repeat (duh). You can use your free hand to assist you when you need to back up off it, catch your breath... whatever. And by assist you I mean as you grip with the one hand, use the free one to swivel your palm on top of the head and use your fingers to caress it. This keeps the stimulation going for him but don't do that for too long, just a couple seconds. Remember, you are giving head, stay on your job lol. It's on you whether you swallow or not. I wouldn't peer pressure anyone into that lol. If you prefer not to (which is typical), let him cum in your hand, kinda like a fist around the head. Atleast it feels like he's cumming in something. Just gently let go soon as he's done, his shit is super sensitive at that point. Okay, next!

6th Commandment: Thou Shall Be Creative.

Don't be boring damn it. Read books, read magazines, watch pornos, talk to your friends. Learn some new tricks. Bust out a surprise every now and then. Cook him dinner butt nekkid. Greet him in your lingerie and pumps. Sneak in his shower. Play a game. My favorite is the "Don't Cum Yet" game. Take turns teasing eachother. Kiss, lick, nibble, fuck... but only for a minute or two then switch who's "in charge" and see who can hang the longest. Another one is to take 2 glasses of warm water, stand him in front of a chair, ask him to hold the glasses for you... then pull his pants down, tell him to have a seat and say "don't spill it." if you know what I mean ;) Basically, be fun.

7th Commandment: Thou Shall Rock Lingerie.

Be sexy. Be seductive. Throw on your heels and fishnets (by the way, get the ones with the hole in the crotch lol) And every woman should have a minimum of 5 matching bra and panty sets, SEXY ones. Dress up for him. But don't do this all the time, make it a lil treat every now and then.

8th Commandment: Thou Shall Keep It Real.

If he does something you don't like or are not comfortable with, tell him. For crying out loud do not let that man bite on your clitoris!! If you came already and he's still goin at it, don't let him beat your shit up okay? This is where head skills come in handy. So yall better stop being scared of the dick I'm tellin you. Because um ya better believe... if he's done and I'm not, that's what he will be doing, understand? And if he asks you to do something out of your comfort zone, just find the best way to tell him right now you can't but you'll "think about it." Be diplomatic about your shit.

9th Commandment: Thou Shall Own Lubricant.

Lube is my friend. No, not because I have any "moisture issues" lol. It's for enhancement purposes. I mean, yeah we all have our moments when our pussy is not cooperating with us but it's a rare occurrence. Lube can be used to give the dick a lil massage. Even better if you do this before you give head, feels great for him and you don't need to work up so much saliva lol. Sometimes we bust one and want to keep going, "throw some lube on that bitch" (hahaha!) Certain lubricants are good just because. I found a lil variety box at Target made by durex. It's a small purple box and it says "play" on it. This box contains 2 packets each of 5 different lubes: cherry, pina colada, warming, tingling (with mint), and soothing (with aloe). My other favorite of all time is made by KY (but of course) and it is like $10 and some change but that shit is the bomb. It's a 2-in-1 lubricant and massage oil that gives a tingle and has mint flavor. Just buy it, that's all I have to say. Now onto the touchy subject... anal sex. Lube is mandatory for that. Anal sex is not for everyone so if you wouldn't even entertain the thought then stop reading and skip to the next Commandment. The #1 thing to do in order for anal sex to be successful is to RELAX. And you absolutely must have a trustworthy partner who gives a damn about your well-being lol. The best position to attempt this is laying on your side with him behind you (of course). This way there is no body weight putting pressure on your ass. YOU reach behind and position his head in the right place, you'll just know. He will have to ease in extremely slow, little by little and if you can keep your hand on his shit to guide and pace him, I suggest you do. Remember: RELAX. If you cannot relax there is no way this will turn out in your favor. Once the mission is accomplished, he will basically end up making sweet slow love to your ass so trust me, it will feel good once you get past the task of insertion. If you like it and decide to do it again, keep it slow and simple til you feel like you've "mastered it" and eventually you will end up trying new positions and different speeds. The 2nd Commandment comes in real handy too... hint hint ;) And if you can get to the point where you can implement the next Commandment as well, a muthafucka will go into convulsions. This is not for amateurs so good luck, you'll need it. (Disclaimer: Anal sex is a privilege, do NOT allow this to happen often. Not only for health/ safety reasons but the pussy is the main attraction)

10th Commandment: Thou Shall Soak Thy Sheets.

We have super powers we are not aware of. Okay, you know how right before you're about to cum you have a slight sensation like you may have to pee? So you hold that back because God forbid we go pissin all over folks. Well guess what? It's not pee and you need to let that shit go. I honestly have to do some more investigating to tell you what exactly it is but whatever the fuck, it's magnificent. In order to be a pro at this you need to learn how to flex your pussy muscles. Hell you should know how to do that anyways just for dick squeezing lol. But if you are not fortunate enough to have yet discovered how to exercise your vagina muscles, it's very simple. Just squeeze like you are trying to stop your pee. Got it? Do this often for no damn reason, sitting at your desk, watching a movie, in line at the grocery store, wherever. In order to "squirt" you will need to push that muscle in and out while he's inside you, then when you're about to cum you get that sensation I mentioned. Just let it go. Don't be scurd. I've told two of my friends about this and they did it and called me the next day like "Oh my fuckin God. What the fuck...?" Um yeah so... get with the program.


* Keep in mind that I strongly suggest the 1st Commandment be followed first and foremost. That's why it's first.


Ava Dior said...

Sweet jesus!! lol

I'm trying the cup game!! I need to get the dealer back around these parts!

Bella said...

Hahahaha!! Yes the cup game is the shit because he can't touch you and it will drive him crazy :)

RAEthoven said...

wow i see i have some work to do !

Me said...

damn girl. arent you the shit! i wanna play the dont spill it game!

vexedmentals said...

omg yesssss. i knew some of this but a lot of it i didnt. opened my eyes to a few things as well. ( been wondering about the squirting part for THE longest ) extremely helpful. love!

RAEthoven said...

aaaaah what a few months will do....yessuh !