Monday, December 8, 2008

It's the Fellas Turn

I'm a fair person so I decided if I'm going to make rules for the ladies, gotta make some for the fellas too. Let's begin shall we?



1st Commandment: Thou Shall Respect The Pussy.

Please don't ever just dive in without testing the waters first. Would you like it if we jumped on your dick when it wasn't hard yet? Just because we're in the mood doesn't mean it's automatically wet. At the very least you need to roll the head around a lil bit first. Don't just jump in there, it's rude lol. This is a good time to go onto rule number two...

2nd Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Skip Foreplay.

Unless it's one of those rip-eachothers-clothes-off moments, take your time. Kiss us, lick our neck, nibble on our earlobes, pinch our nipples, flip us over, glide your tongue up the spine and squeeze our ass and shit. I don't speak for all bitches but a lil hair pulling don't hurt either. If you have a timid one, just run your hand through it lol. By this point you probably won't have to check first before taking the plunge because if you've done your job correctly it will already be nice & slippery. But whether it is or not...

3rd Commandment: Thou Shall Eat the Pussy.

Yeah yall knew this was coming. But let me start by sayin I could see why this would scare a mufucka lol. It can get quite messy and we do bleed from there 12 times a year. Plus our shit is a bit more complex than yours. We can flick our tongue on the head and not have to wonder "Is this the right thing to do?" Whereas, yall have to locate our spots, okay I understand. But just like I told the ladies, I'ma tell yall: get over it. Especially if you want some head, which I'm sure you do. So suck it up (no pun intended). First of all, let me explain something. Alot of females don't even know this but the clit is not the g-spot. Oh it's the ticket alright- don't get me wrong- but if you really wanna back a bitch up across the bed, peep game. Just inside the vagina, behind the coochie bone (sorry I don't know the proper term for it lol) that my friend is the spot. "But how can you lick that?" you may ask? Well sir, you don't have to. What you do is lick the clit (rapidly but gently), take a finger (or two) and slowly insert into the pussy with your palm upward, then curl your finger(s) up and make that motion like when you tell someone "Come here." Keep doing that and the rest is history. Oh and before I forget, make sure your damn nails are cut and clean. Also, kiss/suck the clit simultaneously once in a while during all this, it is thee shit.

P.S .If you're really brave, lick the ass one time ;)

4th Commandment: Thou Shall Kiss.

During sex too. We fuckin love it. It makes the pussy happy. And happy= wet. Got it? My work is done here so let's move along.

5th Commandment: Thou Shall Be Romantic.

We say "Awww" during those chick flicks for a reason. We are females, emotional creatures. We like to feel special and adored. Cook for your lady. If you can't cook, atleast order some good food to go, and set it up nice. Light some candles. Wash her back in the shower (or tub, however you get down). Lay her naked ass down and give her a massage. Even if you don't know what the fuck you're doing she will appreciate it. And trust me, you will be thanked accordingly.

6th Commandment: Thou Shall Keep it Neat.

Your pubic hair that is. A whole bunch of hair below the belt is not only un-sexy but it's rough. We don't want hairy balls slappin up against our ass or anything else lol. Plus when both partners are nice & neat, it really feels so much better. Just do it okay?

7th Commandment: Thou Shall Know When It's a Wrap.

Listen, most of the time when a woman gets hers off, she's good. Or atleast needs a moment to regroup lol. Yall need to know when enough is enough. When we are shaking and excited one minute then calm and still the next: chill. Hopefully you know that means we came. So don't keep bangin it out. Now sometimes we'll be able to bust one, get it together and keep it movin. But other times we have to call it quits. The best way to know what's up is to just ask. A simple "You good?" should suffice, then take it from there. If it's a wrap all I can say is... hopefully she gives head.

8th Commandment: Thou Shall Be Considerate.

There are certain things that you just do not do. When you are eating pussy, do not bite or gnaw on the clitoris. If you've ever done this and she started backing up, it was not because it felt so good, it was because it fuckin hurts. You want us to keep our teeth free and clear- you do the same. When you are gettin some head, do not push her head down in such a manner that you are trying to fuck her in the cerebellum. And do not cum without warning, unless there is a mutual understanding that she swallows. While sexin (fuckin/ love making, whatever) do not push her knees up to her ears and beat the pussy to death. There's a fine line between "going at it" and "going overboard," stay in bounds.

9th Commandment: Thou Shall Watch Porn.

I'm sure there won't be much protest here lol. You can learn all kinds of tricks and techniques and bring them into your own love life. If you have a girl who's willing to watch it with you, yall go right on ahead. I recommend it. One reason is probably the most obvious, it makes people horny. Another is you can see her reaction to certain things and figure out what's she's willing (or not willing) to do. If she screws her face up at something, remember not to do that. If she looks intrigued, it's probably a safe bet to try it out. Yes yall, porn is educational :)

10th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Fall Fast Asleep.

Only we are allowed to do that lmao. Now I'm not saying you need to stay awake and carry on a conversation, just be attentive. We don't want to feel "alone" afterwards. Hold her hand, rub her shoulder, kiss her on the forehead, cuddle, etc. Don't just immediately disconnect. If you're worn out, cool. If you're exhausted, fine. But don't just give her your back and pass out. Bid a proper "goodnight" at the very least.

THE END.

* I understand not all females all deserving of these treatments (just like some of yall or not worthy of things mentioned in my previous post), so I do not recommend you "put it on" a chick you don't respect or care to have around for an extended length of time. Don't do shit just to show off, that's how you get stalkers okay? Same thing applies to the ladies.

This has been a Public Service Announcement sponsored by the Partnership for a Sexually Satisfied America. Okay not really, but it sounded good :)

Holla!

5 comments:

Ava Dior said...

lmao!!

i told a hommie of mine "if you please a woman the right way, she will WANT to do whatever it takes to please YOU"

love the comMANdments!

Chavela Bella said...

so right you are!! tell all your homies that. and tell them to tell a friend to tell a friend lol

jessica rae said...

o0o0oh i like this one even better, yet i still have some work to do lol

Ran said...

Hahahah I love it!!! Great tips momma!!!

vexedmentals said...

i loveeee this. & yeah i'm def about to show my guy friend. youre the shit. SERIOUSLY.<3