Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Get It Shawty... NOT.

Ooooh the wonderful world of myspace...

can't tell her nothin rite?
yall know this heffa had the audasity to caption this as "his model chick"?? and peep her shirt. yeah bitch you have to offer incentives for entertainment cuz im sure nobody wanna do that shit on their own free will.
i feel so illy to my stomach.
if you don't sit yo bad-back assless ass down somewhere. this wench name was "the money maker" umm... no. even the tattoo of her likeness looks sickly. this hoe gon be 80 years old with this shit on her body.
*barf*

i'm so mad at her i can't even talk.
dude. i hate to tell you this. but that's NOT Hillary. grab your testes and run.


New Year's Eve "Tip" of the Day

video
ladies, put on a lil show for ya man tonite.
gentlemen, "tip" her accordingly.
happy new year ;)
p.s. i plead da fiff.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Fuck a Resolution

I don't get the point. Really, like you can only be focused on improving your life for the sake of the calendar flippin to another year? Come on people.

You need to make goals for yourself all year round. Your mind needs to be in a constant state of self-elevation. It's just whack as hell to me to hear people say shit like "Oh my New Year's Resolution is to lose 20 pounds." Okay well guess what? If you started that shit in August you'd probably be done by now.

Why wait until a new year to be on some new shit? My only expectation is that each year will be better than the last, and that can be achieved by being on point every day. Not just because it's about to be January 1st gotdamnit.

Get ya mind right.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Explain This Please

Nivea? Darling. Blonde? With red streaks on one side. Purple on the other. If THIS is what happens when your 15 minutes of fame runs out, just stay in the crib shawty.


Gotdamnit Latoya!! Who the fuck told you... nevermind. Just gotdamnit.

Lil Mama, no. Where is your manicure? Bump that, where is your LIP GLOSS? I don't mean to talk about the chillren but dammit man. Who grabs a dookie brown/mildew green vest and pants and does THIS to it? And then pose for a picture. Bless her heart.
*sigh*


What in the hot fuck is goin on here? Did the designer pay her to wear this? Or did her friend dare her to cut up her leather sectional and make a dress out of it? I'm not understanding this look one single bit. This is the chick who played "Simone" on Passions, I don't know her real name nor is it relevant but just... what the fuck? It's obvious she has a nice figure, cute face, etc... so why Simone? Why? NOBODY could make this contraption hot. Nobody. Not even Beyonce or Miss Lopez.


Khia. What are you doing? Miss "My Neck, My Back" looks like she sayin "My Ass, On Crack." I didn't know Busta Rhymes had a sister. I'm waiting for a penis to fall out of those bedazzled airbrushed leather panty draws.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Leave The Weed Alone

Is there such a thing as high dialing? Similar to drunk dialing I suppose. Anyway I like to send my friends random ass text messages to amuse myself and I know one person who is more than likely just as high as me and willing to entertain my nonsense.


me: i wanna go on double dare.
ki: LMAO! can i be ur partner??
me: yes! we can play against (our men)! we will crawl around in a tub of brownie batter and grab the flag which will then release a bucket of kush. we can be the red team.

[random mid-conversation text]
ki: why am i at somebody else's xmas party gettin fucked up
me: cuz tis the season bitches! be merry!
[end random mid-conversation text]

ki: LMFAO! and u know we'll beat them.
me: i dont know man they got that height advantage. we mite have to grab some gulf clubs n go tonya harding on they ass.
ki: lmao. but im small & quick. and ur crafty.
me: yes! like riki tiki tavi! we will strike with the speed of a mongoose and vengence of a cobra!!
ki: lol! is christopher robin there with u?
me: oh but of course! :)

ki (2 hours later while i'm asleep): im super drunk @ somebody else xmas party textin on the dance floor like what.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love my friends :)
sidenote: Christopher Robin is our little brother... which is really a blunt. It works because we can say "We have to watch our little brother" and nobody knows what the fuck we mean. If I recall correctly, we decided this one fine night while we were fucked up. I think I called her a piglet, so she called me Tigger... and then we looked at the blunt and named it Christopher Robin.
Wow. Now that I'm NOT high I realize I might need to leave the weed alone.

Ah but I won't.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Give Me a Hour Plus a Pen and a Pad

A couple things I've written over the years...

"Love & War"

so where do i start
and how does this end?
when the one who broke my heart
was also my best friend
how can i separate the two
when the man who hurt me
and the man i love is you
how can i think straight
when you've put all these tears,
and yet so many smiles on my face
how can i tell you to go
when i'm so used to you here
i just don't know...
my heart is at war with itself
and my mind is caught in the crossfire
when the smoke clears what's left?
you on one side
me on the other
two souls
staring at eachother
looking into your eyes
trying to decide
if we're enemies or allies
if love can conquer pain
and i'm so confused
it's driving me insane
but life is too short
and we've come too far
all i know is...
we're better together
than we are apart.
------------------------------------------
"The End..."

i don't know what more to do
or what more i can say
so what im going to do
is just walk away
cuz i reached out for you
but you stayed beyond my fingertips
and i tried to spell it out for you
but you didn't wanna read my lips
i see you're not ready now
maybe someday that will change
but i can't sit around
if my waiting is in vain
so i'll give you time, give you room
and let you figure out
what you wanna do
you know what they say
if you love someone... set them free
and maybe someday
you'll come back to me
so i'll gracefully bow out
for the next contender
i will be okay
i just hope that you remember
who's been by your side
through the thick and thin
but i'm done training for the title
when you don't even want me to win.
---------------------------------------
Untitled

If you can take just one more step
Soon you will realize
There's so much more ahead
Than there ever was behind
Every rose went through dirt
To bloom into a flower
But it was worth
Every single shower
Every storm gave it strength
And made it a little stronger
So don't give up faith
Just hold on a little longer
You haven't come this far
Just to stay buried,
Just to fall apart.
You came to flourish.
--------------------------
"Un-Spoken Word"

in a room full of haze
a focused mind sits
a soul with intent
thru these eyes gaze...
sick and tired of being sick and tired
but a heart so inspired...
knows there's better days
and a spirit unbroken
with no words spoken
still gets it point across
all doubts ceased
when this Beauty becomes a beast
to fend for her young
I have a Daughter.
She has Brothers.
See my strength.
I am a Mother.
---------------------------------
"Unbreakable"

I'm the realest bitch
I'm more realer than reality
I know that ain't my shit
But I'll say it anyway
Cuz all I speak is truth
And what I breathe is life
With this pen I shoot
These words into the night
This ink is my blood
My sweat, my tears
My pain, my love
My days and my years
I confide in paper
White, green, and brown
I'm a paper chaser
Never see me down
I might trip but I won't fall
My heart may be heavy
But still I stand tall
Could be down to a penny
And still I won't crawl
I'll never ask, never beg
Cuz I'm in this race
Until the last leg
With a smile on my face
Even while clouds overhead
Try to rain on my grace
Just remember that I said
I'll still finish first place
-------------------------------
"Quiet Storm"

From outside you can't see
I'm breaking down inside
From all this weight on me
I have too much pride
To complain out loud
So I cry in my mind
These tears from clouds
Raining in my heart
Rising to my eyes
In silence they start
Spilling all my lies
Fading my fake smiles
Into silent cries
While I try to be strong
But I need to let go
In order to hold on
So I let these tears flow
To help ease my pain
Relieving all my sorrow
To help keep me sane
So I can smile tomorrow
After the rain.
--------------------------------
"You Just Don't Know"

I don't even know what to say
The things I'm thinking, I shouldn't
Damn how you make me feel this way?
I wanted to tell you but I couldn't
I'm standing here all hypnotized
But you'd never know how I felt
Just by looking into my eyes
In your arms I could just melt
But instead I stand here strong
Trying to act like a big girl
Like it didn't phase me at all
But it moved my whole world
And made me shiver inside
Almost made my mind go numb
Probably put a haze to my eyes
And made all my thoughts run
But I regained my composure
And backed up from your grip
When I wanted to hold you closer
And caress you with my lips
You don't know how much
I wished you'd grab my hips
And lure me back in your clutch
Then kiss me one more time
The way you did just now
How I held the urge inside
I have no idea how
But as I watched you go
I was staring at you leave
Like "Damn you just don't know"
But some day I'll make you believe.
-------------------------------------
"Ssshhh..."

Have you ever tried
To listen to silence?
Just hold me tight
Let's hear the quiet
The wind outside
Gentle like your breath
Like your fingers through my hair
While I rest upon your chest
With your heartbeat in my ear
Silence sounds so nice
When I hear you live
You're the one I like
To be quiet with.

That is all for now :)

Friday, December 12, 2008

McFuckThat

I was braiding my daughter's hair last night, watching Tales from the Hood (on BET) and this McDonald's commercial comes on.


I didn't really pay attention to how it started, but when I heard the cashier say, "You want to work here?" and one of the little boys cheerfully replied, "Yeah! I heard the sky is the limit here! My neighbor worked here and now she owns 3 McDonald's!! Plus you guys give out scholarships!" and looked over at his brother and said, "Some day, this will all be ours!"

Okay. Stop it, just fuckin stop the madness. What the kind of goal is that to try and set up for our children? First of all, owning 3 McDonald's would take for fuckin ever. You have a long ass way to go from dropping fries to owning 3 McDonald's restaurants, okay? Second of all, how dare they encourage the youth to make a career out of Mickey D's. Mickey D's?? Come on now. And why have I never seen that commercial on NBC or CBS?? Why did they have to put 2 young Black boys on BET dreaming "big" about working at some fuckin McDonald's? Shame on you golden arches.


The only thing yall are guaranteed to produce out of an employment opportunity is a Dollar Menunaire because yall don't pay shit. So don't make commercials encouraging our children to aspire for "greatness" at McDonald's, that's pure bullshit. 


"The sky is the limit here!" Really though?


Yeah, I'd like to order a McMuthafuckaPlease with cheese okay?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Talkin My Ish, Talkin Talkin My Ish

Stuff nobody cares about :)

- I don't like seafood, but I will fuck a tuna sandwich UP.

- I can eat a pound of cookie dough by myself in less than 24 hours and not get sick or gain a single pound (don't hate.)

- I sing in the shower every single night, whether I have music playing or not.

- I check my own ass out whenever I walk past any reflective surface (oh yes.)

- I'll spend an hour writing something, read it, suddenly decide I don't like it anymore, crinkle it up and throw it in the trash.

- I think brownie batter should be sold in stores, so I can eat it. Like pudding.

- I'm a cheap date. "So where do you wanna go eat?"... "Checkers."... "What?"... "I said Checkers mufucka."

- I like to wrestle for no reason.

- I don't like the word "two." It just doesn't make any sense. Like... that spells nothing.

- Soju (Korean vodka) makes me extremely horny... like I will rape my own self if I have to.

- I've been known to burst out into song and dance at any given moment, just because.

- I don't exercise. I just have sex instead. I've gone down 2 sizes since last year.

- I'm afraid of spiders. I think they want to bite me, all of them.

- I think chocolate solves all problems.

- I can make a fist with my foot. I will kunch (kick/punch) the shit out somebody.

- I can dance on the wall upside down. And I am determined to implement this skill into my sex life one day.

- I watch Law & Order so much that I think I'm a lawyer now. So don't argue with me because you'll lose.

- I probably say "fuck" & "bitch" as much as I say "the" & "and."

- I don't like to eat peppers or onions. But I will cook with them just for the flavor and then pluck em out.

- I work at a motorcycle company and don't know shit about motorcycles.

- I find it slightly irritating that I can't type the letter "n" with a tilde (~) over it. Even though I don't type shit in Spanish.

- I hate shopping for jeans. I'm 5'10" and my inseam is 36" which means my fuckin legs are 3ft long... I only have 3 pair of jeans.

I wonder...

- Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

- If a vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that a good or bad thing?

- Is the hokey pokey really what it's all about?

- How can you tell a male ladybug apart from a lady ladybug?

- Why does bottled water have an expiration date?

- Why do bitches wear open-toe shoes when their feet look like they've been kicking gravel barefoot?

- Why is it called a hamburger when it's made of ground beef?

- If an Atheist is in court and swears on the Bible to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help him God... how do you know they're not lying?

- What's the difference between regular ass ketchup and "fancy" ketchup?

- Why are curtains pretty only on one side? What about the part facing the outside of your home? Come on man.

- Why does the Easter Bunny carry eggs?

- Do bald people in restaurant kitchens have to wear hair nets?

- What kind of lullabye is "Rock-A-Bye-Baby"? Why the fuck you wanna softly sing about a baby falling out a damn tree?

- Why do football players slap eachother on the ass, like it's okay to slap another man's ass?

- Why is Donkey Kong called Donkey Kong when he's a gorilla? Hello?


Alritey then. Peace the fuck out.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Amen

Failure does not prevent success. In fact, failure is what leads to success.

There is no failure, no disappointment, no mistake in your past that can stop you from taking a positive step forward right now. No matter how many times you may have fallen short of the mark before, success is closer than ever.

Each time you get it wrong, you learn more about how to get it right. Keep putting that growing knowledge and experience to use, and you'll reach your goal.

Every disappointment you've ever known is now in the past. The past is over and cannot hold you back.

Now is when you're able to move forward. Today you can take the valuable lessons you've learned and transform them into effective action.

Every step you've taken, whether it seemed to work or not, has brought you closer to success.

Now go ahead and take the additional steps that will bring you all the way there.

-- Ralph Marston

Beautiful Struggle

La Lotta Bella.

That's Italian. I google shit in different languages for no reason. I just want to see how it sounds. I decided to try "beautiful struggle" today and that's what I got. I like it. That's what I think of my life, it's a beautiful struggle.

Indeed.

I wasn't fed with a silver spoon. My mother made some of my clothes herself when I was younger. She used to take me and my sister to the fabric store and show us catalogs, ask us what we liked and let us pick out our own fabric in whatever color we wanted. Did she do that for fun? No, she did it because at times she couldn't afford to buy clothes for us and she knew how to sew. Instead of us going without, she just made the best of it the best way she knew how. It was a struggle... but it was beautiful.

I've had my lights cut off plenty times and I'm not ashamed to admit it because I'm not the only one, and it's life. It all depends on how you look at a situation. One time I came home from work after picking my kids up from daycare and saw an orange slip stuck in my door. "Aw fuck. I know what that means." And sure enough, my electricity was disconnected. It was 2 days before pay day and I had about $2 to my name. My apartment at the time was all electric. It was summer, no air conditioning tonight. I pulled chicken out that morning, but I won't be cooking tonight. They need baths, but no hot water tonight. At first I sat on the couch and cried. Then I got up and went onto my patio and just looked up at the sky quietly, and calmed down.

Then I hear my daughter, "Mommy! The t.v. won't work!"

So I went inside.

"Yeah baby I know, it's not gonna work tonight."
"Is it broke?"
"No, the power is off."
"Oh. Why?"
"Well..."

Do I tell the truth or sugarcoat the situation? I tell the truth. Why? Because the more you know, the sooner, the better. I want my children to know real life.

"... it's off because Mommy has to pay for that and I wasn't able to. But don't worry, it's okay. you dont have to watch t.v. every day. You wanna color a picture for me?"

"Sure!" and she smiled and went to get her crayon box while I grabbed her some paper. Her brothers joined her at the coffee table, using what was left of daylight to draw pictures. And I looked through my kitchen figuring out what they could eat for dinner that didn't require electricity.

Peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and potato chips was the best I could do. At first I was upset because I always make them a hot meal every night. But then I realized, they don't care. They just want to eat, period. And they love pb&j so as long as they get full I really don't care either. I just added an extra slice of bread to make it a "double decker" so they would be a little more filling. I lit some candles and put them in the middle of the table so they could see better.

"Whoa! Mommy that's a biiig sandwich!" they all said in one way or another.
"Ain't it?"
"You're the best." (my daughter, gotta love her!)

After they ate, I tested the water coming from the faucet to see if any hot water was lingering, and there was. I turned it off quick and brought them into the bathroom, following me and my candle down the hallway. I gave them all the world's fastest bird bath in the tub, they brushed their teeth and then got ready for bed.

We all slept on the livingroom floor on top of sleeping bags, with the patio door open (I lived on the 2nd level, thank goodness). And as we lay there I sang them lullabies, asked who could count the highest, tested my sons' alphabet skills, etc... until I realized I was keeping them up too late so I said it was time to pray.

"We pray for love, health, happiness, and success for our family and friends and we are grateful for this day. Amen." (I keep it simple, less is more).

After they fell asleep, I wasn't laying there crying, stressing about how I'm going to pay my bill the next day. I was staring at my babies with tears of joy rolling down my cheeks... because the struggle is beautiful.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Cookoo for Cocoa Puffs

I think I have thee most crazy baby daddy of all time.

So I was getting out of the shower last night and my phone rings at 11:20pm.

Somebody please just tell me why...

me: why are you calling my phone this late? I told you bout that shit.
BD: hey. yeah, sorry what's good though?
me: um what?
BD: hey listen, man...
*talking to someone in the background*
come here, I love you, just calm down, come here-
me: what did you call me for?
BD: hold on... shorty trippin.
me: huh?
BD: just talk to her, here.
me: what?! yo what the...?
shorty gets on the phone: I don't need this, I'm a strong woman. I can make it, I'll be okay, I'll be okay... right?
me: umm... what is going on? what the hell...
shorty: *repeats herself*
me: oh hell nah. what... just what??
shorty: I don't think she understands *voice fading*
BD gets back on the phone: just encourage her please.
me: WHAT?!?!?! yo I don't even know who the fuck that is!! what are you talkin about?! what?
BD: I'm just sayin, my shorty real stressed right now and you know... you're good at-
me: hold the fuck up. you asking me to give your girl some encouragement?? what... who does that yo?? I'm not even your friend and you gon put her on the phone with me without even... I mean just what the holy fuck is wrong with you?
BD: chill, chill. would you just talk to her please?
me: WHAT?! about WHAT?! for WHAT?! you are straight looney yo I swear! I'm not Dr.Phil and I'm not a pastor why in the fuck are you callin me with this? Like this is just wrong on so many levels. you just threw that girl on the phone thinkin I was gonna help her and didn't tell me shit so now I'm sure she feels pretty foolish right now and you... yo I can't even... just man listen you really take the cake-
BD: hold up, hold up I'm bout to tell you what's goin on!
me: um no you not cuz I'ma tell you right now that I don't even give a fuck what's goin on, I have nothing to do with yall. I don't even know her and YOU are just ridiculous! this is why I give you rules on calling me cuz you act a damn fool. don't you ever call me past 9pm again and YOU get ya girl straight, that's your position, not mine. Now I'm bout to enjoy MY night and you do NOT call me back!"

click.

I love my babies, I love my babies, I love my babies... wooosahhh. The shit I deal with, boy I tell ya...

The Greatest Love of All

I'm a mother. My children mean more to me than ANYTHING in this whole world. I would die for them without a second thought. I would starve so they can eat, I would wear the same shoes for 3 years so they can have everything they need, and I have. They are my LIFE. I have 3 children, a daughter (7) and two sons (4 and 3), I was with their father for 6 years, waaay too long. He was emotionally and physically abusive towards me. In the beginning I would have never seen it coming. He treated me like a princess. He brought me everywhere with him, introduced me to everyone as "wifey", made me feel like I was his grand prize. Then after I moved to Atlanta with him, 17 hours away my entire family, he switched up on me.

He would drink heavily and alcohol is NOT his friend... at all. He would get violent over the stupidest things, then cry the next day and apologize. And I would forgive him, because as they say, love is blind. It was sparatic at first but as the years went by it got to be too frequent and just too much to put up with. I was trying to make our family work and raise my children the "right way", I never wanted to just be somebody's "baby mama." I wanted the husband, the house, the kids, the dog, all that. But I've learned all those things don't make a family. Undying love and respect is what makes a family, so just because Mommy and Daddy were under the same roof didn't make it the "right way." Not when Daddy was calling Mommy an ugly bitch right in front of our daughter and at the age of 4, she was consoling me. Telling me "Mommy, why Daddy call you ugly? You're so pretty, don't cry Mommy." and wipe my tears with her little fingers. I didn't want my daughter thinking it was okay for a man to treat a woman, the mother of his children, that way. And I didn't want my sons to be given the impression that was acceptable male behavior. But if I didn't leave, that's what would happen.

Three months after moving here, I learned I was pregnant. My immediate reaction was not fear, it was happiness. Yeah I was 19 years old, my boyfriend was abusive at times, and I had no family around but somehow none of that scared me. That's how I know I was meant to be a mother. Every decision I make, I consider them first and me second.

I left him in December of 2005 and from that point until very recently, he's hardly been there emotionally or financially for the children that he created, the children he saw born, the children who got excited at the very sight of him. He thought he could be a father just whenever he felt like it. Last Christmas, he called to wish them a Merry Christmas after months of not even calling them to say hello nor giving me a contact number to reach him if they wanted to speak to him.

So I didn't give them the phone. Because I am their protector.

I told him "You don't get to pick and choose when you want to be a father. I'm a parent every day until I die. I am teaching our daughter how to be a lady. I am teaching our sons how to pee standing up and catch a football. And you think you're doing your part by calling on a holiday? You aint doin shit. They deserve a father who is going to be a father, not a distant relative. So until you can be a real father to your children, don't call my fuckin phone again." Click.

Eight months went by before I heard another thing from him. He let his sons' birthdays pass without a call, let the first day of school come and go... not a single word. So when he did call I gave him an earful, even cried. I cried for them. The man they look up to most in this world didn't express a single care for them for almost a whole year. Once while moving, I was packing my daughter's closet up and she saw a picture of him holding her in the hospital the day she was born, and picked it up and looked at it for a minute.

"Mommy, is that me?"
"Yeah it sure is."
"I love Daddy."
"Okay baby."
"But I don't miss him anymore."

Wow. Only 6 years old and she could say something so deep. I was so mad and hurt for her that she went from his little princess to a little girl who has to face that kind of emotion. Remembering this, I went the fuck off on him. Made him cry. He asked to see them and I said I would have to get back to him on that. I know I sure as hell didn't want to see him, but like I said I consider my children first and me second.

I called them into the room and asked them, "Would you like to see your Daddy?" They all smiled big smiles and said "Yes!!" So I called him back and said "Okay, you can see them. BUT this is your last chance to be the father they deserve to have. If you don't have money to help me, then whatever. Money is resolved between you and me, they won't be effected by that. I've been doing that by myself for over 2 years anyway so that's not gonna hurt me. But you're not gonna hurt them again by coming in and out of their life as you please. So let you pull another disappearing act and I promise you won't see them again until they are old and wise enough to make their own decisions on how they feel about that."

And so far, so good. He's still crazy (as fuck. believe me, I have stories for days.) but he's also doing his share now, having them over to visit, paying for daycare, calling them to say goodnight, buying them coats and clothes, etc. That's the only change he's made, he's still one of those types of people who make you pull your hair out and say "what the fuck?!" on a regular basis but he is making a sincere attempt to be an actual father, so I'm willing to sacrifice a bit of my sanity for my children's sake. I could never be truly happy unless they are. They will always come first. Because my children are the greatest love I will ever know.

It's the Fellas Turn

I'm a fair person so I decided if I'm going to make rules for the ladies, gotta make some for the fellas too. Let's begin shall we?



1st Commandment: Thou Shall Respect The Pussy.

Please don't ever just dive in without testing the waters first. Would you like it if we jumped on your dick when it wasn't hard yet? Just because we're in the mood doesn't mean it's automatically wet. At the very least you need to roll the head around a lil bit first. Don't just jump in there, it's rude lol. This is a good time to go onto rule number two...

2nd Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Skip Foreplay.

Unless it's one of those rip-eachothers-clothes-off moments, take your time. Kiss us, lick our neck, nibble on our earlobes, pinch our nipples, flip us over, glide your tongue up the spine and squeeze our ass and shit. I don't speak for all bitches but a lil hair pulling don't hurt either. If you have a timid one, just run your hand through it lol. By this point you probably won't have to check first before taking the plunge because if you've done your job correctly it will already be nice & slippery. But whether it is or not...

3rd Commandment: Thou Shall Eat the Pussy.

Yeah yall knew this was coming. But let me start by sayin I could see why this would scare a mufucka lol. It can get quite messy and we do bleed from there 12 times a year. Plus our shit is a bit more complex than yours. We can flick our tongue on the head and not have to wonder "Is this the right thing to do?" Whereas, yall have to locate our spots, okay I understand. But just like I told the ladies, I'ma tell yall: get over it. Especially if you want some head, which I'm sure you do. So suck it up (no pun intended). First of all, let me explain something. Alot of females don't even know this but the clit is not the g-spot. Oh it's the ticket alright- don't get me wrong- but if you really wanna back a bitch up across the bed, peep game. Just inside the vagina, behind the coochie bone (sorry I don't know the proper term for it lol) that my friend is the spot. "But how can you lick that?" you may ask? Well sir, you don't have to. What you do is lick the clit (rapidly but gently), take a finger (or two) and slowly insert into the pussy with your palm upward, then curl your finger(s) up and make that motion like when you tell someone "Come here." Keep doing that and the rest is history. Oh and before I forget, make sure your damn nails are cut and clean. Also, kiss/suck the clit simultaneously once in a while during all this, it is thee shit.

P.S .If you're really brave, lick the ass one time ;)

4th Commandment: Thou Shall Kiss.

During sex too. We fuckin love it. It makes the pussy happy. And happy= wet. Got it? My work is done here so let's move along.

5th Commandment: Thou Shall Be Romantic.

We say "Awww" during those chick flicks for a reason. We are females, emotional creatures. We like to feel special and adored. Cook for your lady. If you can't cook, atleast order some good food to go, and set it up nice. Light some candles. Wash her back in the shower (or tub, however you get down). Lay her naked ass down and give her a massage. Even if you don't know what the fuck you're doing she will appreciate it. And trust me, you will be thanked accordingly.

6th Commandment: Thou Shall Keep it Neat.

Your pubic hair that is. A whole bunch of hair below the belt is not only un-sexy but it's rough. We don't want hairy balls slappin up against our ass or anything else lol. Plus when both partners are nice & neat, it really feels so much better. Just do it okay?

7th Commandment: Thou Shall Know When It's a Wrap.

Listen, most of the time when a woman gets hers off, she's good. Or atleast needs a moment to regroup lol. Yall need to know when enough is enough. When we are shaking and excited one minute then calm and still the next: chill. Hopefully you know that means we came. So don't keep bangin it out. Now sometimes we'll be able to bust one, get it together and keep it movin. But other times we have to call it quits. The best way to know what's up is to just ask. A simple "You good?" should suffice, then take it from there. If it's a wrap all I can say is... hopefully she gives head.

8th Commandment: Thou Shall Be Considerate.

There are certain things that you just do not do. When you are eating pussy, do not bite or gnaw on the clitoris. If you've ever done this and she started backing up, it was not because it felt so good, it was because it fuckin hurts. You want us to keep our teeth free and clear- you do the same. When you are gettin some head, do not push her head down in such a manner that you are trying to fuck her in the cerebellum. And do not cum without warning, unless there is a mutual understanding that she swallows. While sexin (fuckin/ love making, whatever) do not push her knees up to her ears and beat the pussy to death. There's a fine line between "going at it" and "going overboard," stay in bounds.

9th Commandment: Thou Shall Watch Porn.

I'm sure there won't be much protest here lol. You can learn all kinds of tricks and techniques and bring them into your own love life. If you have a girl who's willing to watch it with you, yall go right on ahead. I recommend it. One reason is probably the most obvious, it makes people horny. Another is you can see her reaction to certain things and figure out what's she's willing (or not willing) to do. If she screws her face up at something, remember not to do that. If she looks intrigued, it's probably a safe bet to try it out. Yes yall, porn is educational :)

10th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Fall Fast Asleep.

Only we are allowed to do that lmao. Now I'm not saying you need to stay awake and carry on a conversation, just be attentive. We don't want to feel "alone" afterwards. Hold her hand, rub her shoulder, kiss her on the forehead, cuddle, etc. Don't just immediately disconnect. If you're worn out, cool. If you're exhausted, fine. But don't just give her your back and pass out. Bid a proper "goodnight" at the very least.

THE END.

* I understand not all females all deserving of these treatments (just like some of yall or not worthy of things mentioned in my previous post), so I do not recommend you "put it on" a chick you don't respect or care to have around for an extended length of time. Don't do shit just to show off, that's how you get stalkers okay? Same thing applies to the ladies.

This has been a Public Service Announcement sponsored by the Partnership for a Sexually Satisfied America. Okay not really, but it sounded good :)

Holla!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The 10 Sex Commandments

1st Commandment: Thy Pussy and Brain Shall Be in Agreement.

I highly suggest that you follow this commandment before you follow the rest. It will make it that much more enjoyable. If one person is doing it just to fill their own needs, the other one will be neglected in one way or another. I don't do simple sex. I wish a muthafucka would just get on top of me, do his business and that be that. No sir. We are gonna put eachother to sleep, do you hear me? And if you don't get my drift then I feel bad for you son... I got 99 problems but a dick ain't one. Moving along...

2nd Commandment: Thou Shall Masturbate.

Tell me how are you supposed to know what you like if you don't get familiar with your own body? Don't be shamed. Get you some quiet time, shit set the mood for your damn self if you have to. Turn the lights down low, get some candles and throw on some music... whatever floats your boat. Nobody is watching you, just relax and don't feel silly. Plenty women do this. Don't be afraid to explore your body. Touch yourself the way you would like to be touched, it's that simple. Learn yourself. Trust me, this will come in handy later ;)
 

3rd Commandment: Thou Shall Trim Thy Pubic Hair Gotdamnit.

Please. Don't nobody wanna be in the bushes okay? Especially if you want some head? Get the fuck outta here. Would you lick some hairy balls? I didn't think so. Make a wax appointment or get you an electric or battery operated trimmer, much quicker and neater (and safer) than scissors and razors. Wipe it down with rubbing alcohol after each use and put it away. Keep the coochie cute girls.


4th Commandment: Thou Shall Ride the Dick.

Don't be scared of that shit, fuck that shit. Literally. You let him go to town on you right? Then you better put it on his ass too! True, being on top is pretty draining, I know. But how do you think that man feels if you just let him do all the work all the time? Get yo ass up and participate! Show him you can run shit too. They like that shit. If you get tired, here's a tip. Straddle him, lean forward, keep your knees on the bed and raise up and down with just your hips and thighs, slowly, and like you mean it. See there are 3 benefits to this position. 1) your titties are in his face so now he can lick them. 2) it doesn't require alot of work on your part and 3) the angle of penetration is the bomb digitty. Bottom line: don't be lazy.


5th Commandment: Thou Shall Give Head.

Oh yes bitches I said it. If you scared, you better get over that shit. If you think "ew that is so nasty." Grow up. I bet money you want him lickin your pussy. Well think about it, you bleed from your shit once a month then cum all in his face like no tomorrow and then say it's "nasty" just to put his dick in your mouth? Come on man. That's only "skin on a bone." Look at your finger. Now look between your legs. They are licking our insides, hellooo? Be fair. Now I know there are some bitches (sorry, just get used to it) who truly have a problem with doing that, for whatever reason. And even though I suggest you get over it (like ASAP) if you just aren't ready yet, don't do it. I guarantee you wouldn't do a good job anyway, so just don't bother. You have to sincerely want to make that man go crazy. Now, if you really do then here's a tip (I have tons of these...heehee): take one hand and grip the shaft (lightly but firmly) then keep your other hand free because you'll need it to caress the balls ;) First, kiss the head real slow a few times, just as if you would kiss his mouth. Be nice to the head, wet it up. Then swirl your tongue around as you go down slowly as far as you can, then do the same thing in reverse. And repeat (duh). You can use your free hand to assist you when you need to back up off it, catch your breath... whatever. And by assist you I mean as you grip with the one hand, use the free one to swivel your palm on top of the head and use your fingers to caress it. This keeps the stimulation going for him but don't do that for too long, just a couple seconds. Remember, you are giving head, stay on your job lol. It's on you whether you swallow or not. I wouldn't peer pressure anyone into that lol. If you prefer not to (which is typical), let him cum in your hand, kinda like a fist around the head. Atleast it feels like he's cumming in something. Just gently let go soon as he's done, his shit is super sensitive at that point. Okay, next!

6th Commandment: Thou Shall Be Creative.

Don't be boring damn it. Read books, read magazines, watch pornos, talk to your friends. Learn some new tricks. Bust out a surprise every now and then. Cook him dinner butt nekkid. Greet him in your lingerie and pumps. Sneak in his shower. Play a game. My favorite is the "Don't Cum Yet" game. Take turns teasing eachother. Kiss, lick, nibble, fuck... but only for a minute or two then switch who's "in charge" and see who can hang the longest. Another one is to take 2 glasses of warm water, stand him in front of a chair, ask him to hold the glasses for you... then pull his pants down, tell him to have a seat and say "don't spill it." if you know what I mean ;) Basically, be fun.


7th Commandment: Thou Shall Rock Lingerie.

Be sexy. Be seductive. Throw on your heels and fishnets (by the way, get the ones with the hole in the crotch lol) And every woman should have a minimum of 5 matching bra and panty sets, SEXY ones. Dress up for him. But don't do this all the time, make it a lil treat every now and then.

8th Commandment: Thou Shall Keep It Real.

If he does something you don't like or are not comfortable with, tell him. For crying out loud do not let that man bite on your clitoris!! If you came already and he's still goin at it, don't let him beat your shit up okay? This is where head skills come in handy. So yall better stop being scared of the dick I'm tellin you. Because um ya better believe... if he's done and I'm not, that's what he will be doing, understand? And if he asks you to do something out of your comfort zone, just find the best way to tell him right now you can't but you'll "think about it." Be diplomatic about your shit.


9th Commandment: Thou Shall Own Lubricant.


Lube is my friend. No, not because I have any "moisture issues" lol. It's for enhancement purposes. I mean, yeah we all have our moments when our pussy is not cooperating with us but it's a rare occurrence. Lube can be used to give the dick a lil massage. Even better if you do this before you give head, feels great for him and you don't need to work up so much saliva lol. Sometimes we bust one and want to keep going, "throw some lube on that bitch" (hahaha!) Certain lubricants are good just because. I found a lil variety box at Target made by durex. It's a small purple box and it says "play" on it. This box contains 2 packets each of 5 different lubes: cherry, pina colada, warming, tingling (with mint), and soothing (with aloe). My other favorite of all time is made by KY (but of course) and it is like $10 and some change but that shit is the bomb. It's a 2-in-1 lubricant and massage oil that gives a tingle and has mint flavor. Just buy it, that's all I have to say. Now onto the touchy subject... anal sex. Lube is mandatory for that. Anal sex is not for everyone so if you wouldn't even entertain the thought then stop reading and skip to the next Commandment. The #1 thing to do in order for anal sex to be successful is to RELAX. And you absolutely must have a trustworthy partner who gives a damn about your well-being lol. The best position to attempt this is laying on your side with him behind you (of course). This way there is no body weight putting pressure on your ass. YOU reach behind and position his head in the right place, you'll just know. He will have to ease in extremely slow, little by little and if you can keep your hand on his shit to guide and pace him, I suggest you do. Remember: RELAX. If you cannot relax there is no way this will turn out in your favor. Once the mission is accomplished, he will basically end up making sweet slow love to your ass so trust me, it will feel good once you get past the task of insertion. If you like it and decide to do it again, keep it slow and simple til you feel like you've "mastered it" and eventually you will end up trying new positions and different speeds. The 2nd Commandment comes in real handy too... hint hint ;) And if you can get to the point where you can implement the next Commandment as well, a muthafucka will go into convulsions. This is not for amateurs so good luck, you'll need it. (Disclaimer: Anal sex is a privilege, do NOT allow this to happen often. Not only for health/ safety reasons but the pussy is the main attraction)
 

10th Commandment: Thou Shall Soak Thy Sheets.


We have super powers we are not aware of. Okay, you know how right before you're about to cum you have a slight sensation like you may have to pee? So you hold that back because God forbid we go pissin all over folks. Well guess what? It's not pee and you need to let that shit go. I honestly have to do some more investigating to tell you what exactly it is but whatever the fuck, it's magnificent. In order to be a pro at this you need to learn how to flex your pussy muscles. Hell you should know how to do that anyways just for dick squeezing lol. But if you are not fortunate enough to have yet discovered how to exercise your vagina muscles, it's very simple. Just squeeze like you are trying to stop your pee. Got it? Do this often for no damn reason, sitting at your desk, watching a movie, in line at the grocery store, wherever. In order to "squirt" you will need to push that muscle in and out while he's inside you, then when you're about to cum you get that sensation I mentioned. Just let it go. Don't be scurd. I've told two of my friends about this and they did it and called me the next day like "Oh my fuckin God. What the fuck...?" Um yeah so... get with the program.

THE END

* Keep in mind that I strongly suggest the 1st Commandment be followed first and foremost. That's why it's first.


Pussy and the Brain

Okay... guess what? I like sex. Matter of fact, I fuckin love it.

BUT... certain criteria must be met before I endulge in the act. After being with someone for six years who eventually became very selfish in bed, sex was no longer fun to me. He just wanted to bust a nut, wether I did or not. I gave up on him and I gave up on sex... gladly. For a while I didn't even miss it at all. I was good. Yeah, notice I said "for a while" lol. Eventually the urge is going to come along. But I wouldn't give in, I wanted it to be different this time around. I set the rule for myself that my pussy (excuse me, I'm vulgar) and my brain had to agree with eachother. I wasn't going to use anyone for my gratification nor was I going to let anyone use me for theirs. I wanted to feel wanted. I needed to feel needed. And I wanted to feel the same towards that person as well. Best believe in the meantime, my lil toy held me down ;) I wasn't about to completely cheat myself lol.

Well after 7 months of a "drought" I finally found what I needed. And almost 3 years later, still have it. Oh it's not all rainbows and sunshine, trust me I will get into that another time. But I was amazed to discover how much passion I could feel for another person. I realized that what I was doing before was just... sex. And what I'm doing now is like... magic. Because there is such a connection outiside of sex and before sex, that when we connect physically... halleluiah, amen. Finally! Someone who wants to please me, not just theirself. And that makes me willing to do the same for him. It's almost like an exchange of energy that I can't quite put into words. I've never felt like "oh this muthafucka just wanna bust a nut and go to sleep." No, this muthafucka don't wanna go to sleep until I bust a nut... or two or three lol.

I'm just giving some background because I will probably talk about sex alot and I don't want it coming off as I'm out here just freakin off all willy nilly lol. I can't even do that, but I don't knock it either. Different strokes for different folks. I judge no one. Okay well let's be honest, if you fuckin 5 different men a week, you're a hoe. And that's not passing judgment, that's just stating a fact lol. I think all women deserve good sex. I'm gonna make The 10 Sex Commandments (in due time) and my First Commandment is: Thy Pussy and Brain Shall Be in Agreement. Less heartache will come from that.

Can I get a AMEN!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

It's Me

Hola. First things first. Basically... I'm the shit. For many reasons but mainly for the person I am inside. No, I'm not conceited, I'm just finally aware that I'm a special, unique human being. As we all are. Everyone should think they are the shit. Life is too short to be anything less, even if it's just in your own mind :)

This is all new to me and right at this very moment I have no idea what I'm going to say next. I was introduced to this by my homie Ava Dior ("hi hunny!" lmao). I believe this is a great way to express your inner self and Lord knows I have much expressing to do (which I will evidence in the very near future). Right now I honestly don't have anything special to say, just tellin the truth. But tomorrow is a new day and believe me, there will be shit talkin.

peace for now.